Foster to adopt

[Lizzie989]

Hi guys, we are currently going through the adoption process. So a bit of background, we have a birth child aged 5. We tried for 3 years for a second and unfortunately couldn't. We had 2 rounds of ivf which failed. We then embarked on our adoption journey November 2022. We originally went down the concurrency route, however realised that this could have a massive impact on our BC and ourselves.
So we have decided to go down the mainstream adoption route. We have just finished our prep groups today and realised the impact the system has on the child and how we can limit the impact on the children. We are now considering foster to adopt. So our question is, what are people's experience of foster to adopt? How did you find this route? What impact on your family did this have? Was this a positive outcome for you??
Would love to hear people's views. Thank you

Foster to adopt is just another form of concurrency albeit with smaller infants, with the same challenges in that the plan would be to work towards the baby going back to the birth family unless and until it was shown that couldn’t be done safely. So still the potential for impact on you and your birth child if adoption doesn’t go ahead and still the expectation that you would facilitate contact with the birth family until permanence was agreed.

Most foster to adopt do go on to adoption, but not all.

Id also urge you to think about adoption in its fullest, regardless the age a child is placed at there’s an impact on the child. That impact may vary but even a child removed at birth may have been impacted by pre-birth trauma, maternal substance misuse, etc etc and the separation from their attachment figure will have its own impact. Children “in the system” will be impacted by that, of course, but that doesn’t mean irreparable harm. With older children the impact is often better known and understood, simply because they’re older, with babies outcomes are much less clear.

It’s something to give lots of consideration to and you need to do the right thing for your family.

I would be worried by how your BC would cope with the 'uncertainty' as to whether the sibling would be staying or not.

I’d be interested in this thread too!

We are in our stage 2 assessment. At the end of last weeks home visit our lovely social worker didn’t seem to like foster to adopt as a concept. It seemed she was directing more towards a 3+ child.

However on this weeks visit she said this is where she saw us, with a little one. We have some books etc to do - and all booked on to the foster to adopt training. But we haven’t made our minds up yet.

I think it’s one of those things you need to maybe balance for yourself. There are lots of horror stories of people losing the child but I think the vast majority are successful and end in an adoption. But there is always that risk - and I think parenting with that level of uncertainty will be very testing.

if you’ve had your prep group - you have plenty of time to decide yet. Your SW will be able to guide you during stage 2 and you’ll get loads more insight and research done.

We are a foster to adopt family with two incredible little people who came home (some years appart) at around 24 hours old. Often, when people talk about f2a they see two outcomes; the little one returning to their biological family or adoption. It's not so often that the inbetween phase is spoken about, and it's the bit you need to be certain you can manage. The inbetween bit is the waiting. Both my children were around 3.5 when finally adopted. The decision about permanence was not made untill they were over two. On entering the process, I had been told it would be no more than 4 months for a SW decision on permanence. Instead I had over 3 years of contact, assessmemt, meetings and in one case got as far as planning for the return to biological family with overnight contact (this ultimately did not happen but I was told it would.) It involved, at times, a high level of deregulation after contact and yet an absolute need to consistently bring them there and leave them, knowing the impact. I was constantly told, "It needs to happen for evidence." It was (both times) the hardest thing I have ever done. The ever present worry for the childrens wellbeing and, as the years went by, the prospect of a loss that would have been devestating. You really do need nerves of steel and a complete respect and understanding that SW are doing exactly as they should; looking to reunite baby with their bioligical family, wherever possible.
In spite of how nearly impossible it was, I have two, extraordinary children, who have brought so much joy and love into my world ... and are now squashed in bed beside me! If you feel you can manage the incredible uncertainty of the journey and truely believe in working for reunification with bioligical family, f2a is well worth considering. It is the hardest but best thing I have ever done. x

so my husband and I started our adoption journey through concurrent care! We turned out to be the exception to the rule as we had two separate placements return home to their birth parents. However, for us that was ok! Yes we were heartbroken but we had chosen the route as it made sense for the children, we also have a strong faith and sense of wanting the birth family to thrive if they could do it! Alongside heartache was pride in the parents who we had grown to love. However, only you know what uncertainty you can deal with and also whether you couple support a child leaving if you had to. If you don’t think you can do this then please don’t do it! As @EG88 said the long drawn out proceedings can be very draining. If you can not live with a high level of uncertainty it is not for you.

regarding your birth child. We went on to adopt siblings who are now 7&8 and have since started short term fostering 0-2 year olds. We are very clear with our children that we are looking after them for a while (up to 2 years) but that eventually they will move on, either home or to their own forever family! While my children grieve the little ones when they move on they also accept it as it is part of the plan/course of action! Children are much more resilient than we give them credit for. I have friends who did concurrent care with a birth child and the first little one returned home. They always told their BD that they were fostering her and what that meant. She had no other expectations and accepted that the little one was moving. It was only when they were getting towards adoption order with their second little one that they started to introduce her as her forever sister.

I was fostered then adopted did not end well I'm now no contact with them the two are conflicting foster care is there to provide care while the birth family get back on their feet and support the child and Family in getting back on track so the child can go home to thier family adoption is for when there is no other option for the child a last resort as it should be as the impact of it is devastating for a child to loose thier whole family and identity

Hi Lizzie,
Just wondered how you got on with this? We also have secondary infertility and are now considering adoption; just doing the initial research now. Would be super interested in hearing how you've got on!