Hi Dannigirl
Thank you so much for your advice. I will try the organisations you've mentioned. I am totally with you on the seeking someone with specialist knowledge. In a way I need someone that is able to advise, not just counsell (I am asking for the moon I know!).
I don't live in the same area as the child and I am thinking of accessing help through my own LA. I just can't quite work out the best approach. The question I'm asking myself is - do I go through my GP or contact social services directly? It's a tough one.
I live in a small village and am terrified that word will get out, and then I'll be under scrutiny - "she (nameescapesme) comes from a family that's lost a child through adoption, so she must be dodgy!" (even though that's just not the case! It's the sort of case where you really have to know a lot about what went on to properly understand and I just can't bear the thought of any info about it being misinterpretted, and I have to think of other DCs in the family). However hard I try I just keep coming back to this fear and it's ripping me to pieces.
I just can't quite build up enough strength to trust that this sort of thing wouldn't happen (believe me it can, it's why I moved away in the first place). Writing this has made me realise that it's not necessarily the stigma that is my issue, it's who is applying it that's the problem! Particularly if it's those in authority! Which has sadly been my experience. If only it were just people in the street, who I'm more than happy to ignore and rise above iyswim.
Hifi, thanks also for your post (I've HAD to have my head buried in tax returns for a couple of days, not ignoring you). It's great to hear you allow some contact with your DD birth family - I can't tell you how much they must treasure your letter and photo, though you probably appreciate this yourself, given your amazing "double perspective". I hope it works out to be a great thing for your DD too. It's such an important thing, to know your roots, and I know it can be really hard for some adoptive parents to allow contact.
I personally think the move away from hiding the birth family in the closet is a great thing. I'm aware this may make me sound a hypocrite, but really I'm not!! I think this is my problem. Part of me is terrified to "come out" publically, in case I identify the child, and the other part is terrified to seek help because of the stigma (yes I'll admit it now) yet underlying all this I believe wholeheartedly that children should know and have contact with where they have come from.
Sorry I am rambling now. Must go to bed.