Not sure I can cope

[ScaredAdopter]

Very early into placement - a few days - with a little girl aged 2. She’s a great kid. Might be a honeymoon period but she seems to have attached quite well, sleeps well and generally no major behavioural issues beyond the usual toddler strops.

But I just have this constant feeling that I can’t cope with this change and that adopting was a huge mistake. And I feel massive guilt.

DP has fallen in love with her and is coping really well. I don’t want to tell them what I’m feeling because I don’t want to ruin their joy.

We’re both getting decent sleep as LO sleeps well. We get some down time in the evening after she goes to sleep. So I don’t think that just getting down time will help me.

I find myself feeling resentful of all the things that were totally predictable about having a toddler in the house - mess, toys everywhere, having to plan every trip out. I find myself cuddling my dog and crying and wishing for my old life where I could just do what I wanted when I wanted.

I feel so stupid for all of this. It’s not like the issues (so far at least) are due to adoption or trauma related issues. It feels much more fundamental that maybe it was just a big mistake for me to become a parent.

I’m terrified of this feeling because I can’t see it going anywhere - none of this stuff is going to change. My DP is due back to work in a week and I’ve no idea how I will feel being on my own with LO all day every day.

Not sure what I’m looking for on here - maybe some reassurance that this feeling might pass. I so desperately want to enjoy having this LO in my life. We’ve spent so long waiting for her - and now it feels like my options are for the adoption to break down (which I would feel dreadful about and think would actually sink my marriage too); or just to ride it out, go through the motions but feeling miserable throughout it for the next 15 years! It feels really bleak.

Thanks for all the advice and encouragement everyone. It’s really helping.

Can I ask those of you who have felt things get better - is it normal to feel things get better and then get the wobbles again?

For about two or three weeks, I had a major case of the wobbles. Full on ‘I can’t do this and it was a massive mistake’ wobbles, crying in the bathroom and wishing my LO would be taken back wobbles. Then I had a good two or three weeks where things really improved. I got a bit more of a balance between parent life and adult life.

But the last few days I’ve been feeling a bit wobbly again. Not as bad, but just thoughts about how nice it was to never have to plan my day and to be able to be spontaneous, wondering if a child free life would actually have been better etc. I’m not as bad as I was at the start but I’m scared of going back to that place as it really felt dreadful.

This was me, albeit with a younger child.
I thought I had made a massive mistake, felt trapped, hated the clutter and longed for life with just DH and Ddog. I didn't get help - I really wish I did.

But what helped was going out and routine. We had activities every morning, she napped in the afternoon and I waited for DH to come home from work.

Going out took some pressure of it just being the two of us. I went back to the reasons we had come to adoption. I definitely had “good days” and then gloom again.

And gradually I fell in love. I'm now 10 years down the line, and parent to the most beautiful daughter inside and out. I pinch myself how lucky we are to have her. She is the best thing that happened to us.

If you can find other new adoptive parents that might help. I talk to others now freely about how I felt then. I think we often think we can’t mention regret as others won’t understand.

Yes it's not always been easy, but I've never had a regret since those early dark days, even when she eye rolls me, answers back, leaves her room a tip…… !!

Id say for me this is my experience too, things go well then things go hard and one day you think your doing well, the next you dispair. At the start of this week we booked a weekend away it was going so well, 2 days later I have cancelled it thinking, 'what was I thinking' as DD has screamed through dinner time and spent all evening hitting everyone. Its really tough and anytime anyone asks how we are doing I say 'ups and downs, ups and downs' as its always changing. I do think its directly related to how tired I am - when tired I give less attention, less fun energy etc so she attention seeks which is so much harder etc, so I do think its really important to try to take care of self care, you cant pour from an empty cup kind of thing, but I also know its so hard as theres so little time for anything as a parent. I do think talking it really really helps though so keep posting it, try to make an adopters meet up online or in person, it really really helps to chat about how hard it is. It does get easier though, toddlers are the hardest surely (until teenagers!)

Me and my DP are 14 days in to adopting 2 young siblings 2 and 1, it's the hardest thing we have ever done, very challenging behaviour, one is controlling and prone to tantrums the other is very clingy and hyperactive

We feel as tho life has ended we wake up look after them with a boring routine, then go to bed that's it, but glimmer of light is it gets easier slightly every day, behaviour gets easier every day, just stick to a predictable routine be open honest and calm

We are starting to see their personality come out, keep reminding ourselves, they are scared little kids who need love and affection and safety, you will get through it

How are you doing @ScaredAdopter ? Do you have post adoption support?

@Lemoande14 hope it gets better. Just remember to some degree all young kids are demanding and controlling.

As you know yours are also scared.

It does get easier; do you have post adoption support?

Morning

Yes we do have post adoption support but not engaged with it much yet as wanted a few weeks to settle into a routine first

Bed time is the major flashpoint, struggling to get the older one to sleep, she has hysterical fits, tried bigger naps shorter naps, physically wearing her out, creating calm, nothing seems to work except just putting her back in bed and laying by her door

Sleeps pretty well after tho, so not too bad for sleep for us

We knew we were in for a challenging time and we got that but we just want to provide a good life for these 2

I wanted to check back in and update! Partly because some of the messages here really helped but also because when I was struggling I trawled other threads desperately looking for people to tell me it would get better.

We’re now about three months in with our LO and things feel so much better. Don’t get me wrong, I still have moments when I’m not the best parent I can be. But I am now glad this LO is in my life. I watch her sleeping and feel I could burst. I am enjoying her and enjoying this life.

For anyone struggling - going to a GP was a game changer. I have started on a low dose of anti-dependants. For the first five days I felt even worse than I had. But then it was like a cloud lifting and things felt so much better. I was so scared of taking pills - partly stigma and partly worried about side effects - but getting proper medical help has been a game changer for me.

Thanks to everyone on here who reassured me!

Great to hear, OP.

what a lovely update @ScaredAdopter

onwards and upwards !

Great to hear. Asking for help is a big step and I’m glad you made it.

I’m not an adoptive parent but just want to tell you that this can happen with birth parents as well. I had a traumatising labour and birth and I didn’t feel any love towards my baby, only a sense of duty, for at least 2 months but probably more like 4.

I felt sad and guilty as I could see her dad falling in love with her the moment he saw her and same with her grand parents .
I probably struggled with depression as well at the time, just remember a great big fog, lack of sleep etc for at least 2 months. I also cried once thinking what have I done to my body, had a tear and was in some pain for 1-2 weeks.

I love her to bits now. Just needed time to bond and for the depression and shock of the birth to get better.

@CristinaNov182

I know you mean well, and I'm sorry you were unwell, but "all kids do that!" (Or in this case "birth mums feel this too!") is extremely unhelpful for adoptive parents in general. It's not the same. If OP had posted on the open boards, then fair enough, but to come on to the adoption board, and do a variant of "all kids do that!" isn't kind. I'm sure that wasn't your intention.

OP- I'm so glad you're doing better. It takes a long time, you'll get there.

OP glad things are better.

I know I've come late to this discussion and it sounds like you are in a different place now emotionally than you were when you op .

I'm parent of two dd . First Dd now a teenager and born to me . I was not a young mum at 39 and desperately wanted a child . After she was born I felt exactly how you described and I was so ashamed . I missed my freedom to come and go , nights out , energy , own time . So much despite my DH being great .

6 years later we adopted our second child aged 11 months
Again dearly wanted obviously and I felt exactly the same as our elder dd was gaining some independence at 7.

I'm writing this now as adjusting to being a mother through any means , adoption or birth can be v difficult as you know . But in most cases it settles .

The only difference I found was with my birth daughter I had mum friends with babies the same age who I could relate to and with my AD I had to make them aged 11 months in which was a challenge because mum cliques already there . So my bd has a few friends from birth but my ad only has one whose daughter ( not adopted ) mum is still a best friend . That was hard and felt lonely

But you sound like doing great x

So happy to read this 💜💜