Placing Baby For Adoption

[lailah2001]

Hi everyone

I am 35 weeks pregnant with my baby girl. I am 20 years old.

Due to my circumstances, I am considering if giving up my baby for adoption is the best choice for her to have a better life.

It is draining me thinking what the right decision is. My mental health is all over the place - and has been throughout the pregnancy. I feel so guilty and alone.

Has anyone gone through this?
What are your feelings after adoption?
What if I really struggle if I decide to keep baby in my care?
How do I decide what is the right choice?

Do you have any family support at all? Have you spoken to your midwife? Is the father out of the picture? If you had more support, do you think you would still feel like this?

Better people than I will be along in a while. Take care.

God, that's a really really tough decision, you must be all over the place. I don't have any experience but you need to do what's right for you and your baby. What are your circumstances? Do you have any family ?,

i'm so sorry to hear you are under such stress. Please reach out to someone or some organisation/charity that you trust. you need someone to talk to and to support you without judgement and agenda. you aren't the first person to feel like you do and you won't be the last. circumstances can feel hopeless when we think about them ourselves - we need an outside eye to help us discuss. google local support services. even just start by phoning the samaritans for someone to talk through things with. there are so many people who want to help you if you can just find them- avoid anyone who tries to make up your mind one way or another. take care of yourself and don't give up - things that can seem very very difficult can start to feel better with just a first conversation. x

@lailah2001

I'm sorry you are feeling like this.
Speaking as an adoptive mum, the best place for any child is with a birth family who loves and cares for them.
The world must seem a very scary place if you are on your own.
But please please do not do anything you may regret. Even parents who have the best circumstances struggle with parenthood at times.
Do you have somewhere safe to live? That's really the key thing at the moment. There are benefits to help you financially- but what you really need to do right now is speak to someone, your midwife. Explain what you are thinking and why. Don't be afraid of social services- they won't take your baby away from you unless she is in danger, but they can offer support.
I hope everything works out for you

@lailah2001

I am so sorry for you - you are so young to be going through this on your own
I am also an adoptive mum and I wholeheartedly agree with all that Ted27 has said.
This is a huge decision to make and you need lots of help. Don’t be afraid to reach out.
💐💐💐

Just to second what people are saying. Reach out for support if at all possible. Remember that pregnancy also wreaks havoc on any and all emotions, so may not be a 'true' indicator of a long term pattern of how you feeling. Becoming a parent feels like an overhwelming task, and it's important to remember that you aren't expected to do it alone, even if it feels that way. There will be lots of mum and baby support groups that will help to teach you practical things and provide emotional support even if you don't have much family contact.

It must be incredibly difficult to feel the way you are at the moment, and just looking into options doesn't make you a bad person. Adoption is quite a big step though, and has long term repercussions for all parties involved, so it's worth researching more deeply and reaching our for support before you determine any specific course of action. There is not rush to do anything, your options will remain open for a long time.

I hope you find peace and comfort today/ tonight if you are still worried.

Im sorry you feel like this. Youre 20 weeks. You have time on your side here so dont rush any decision.
If your circumstances have changed since you became pregnant have a look at what support is out there for you. If you have supportive partner/friends/family consider reaching out to them to tell them how you are feeling and see what support they can offer you!

OP is 35 weeks, @GoodTennis

OP it is daunting and exhausting having a baby in the early days but it gets easier and absolutely worth it, if you want to keep your baby, worth it for both of you, have confidence and belief in yourself that you will be okay, the love for your girl will carry you through, and like others have said there should be help in real life in practical terms if you ask for it.

If you want to write more about practical difficulties facing you, we may be able help but it is also worth posting in Chat or Relationships as there will be many people out there who could give really good practical advice to people in your circumstances - most posters here are adopters.

Your baby won't have a better life being adopted, unless you really, absolutely, cannot keep her safe. Your baby may well be ok being adopted, if you really cannot care for the baby and yourself- it might be the least worst option.

Does your midwife know how you're feeling? Do you have someone you can talk to, who knows all the circumstances? You might benefit from a social worker, please don't be afraid of this- they will want to support you if they can, you'll need one if you're thinking of adoption anyway.

There must have been reasons you didn't terminate early on- has something changed?

Don't feel you have to answer my questions- I just want you to know people have heard your distress, and that people ARE there to support you and your baby.

Folk might be able to give advice if we knew where you were based. In the US, for example, relinquishing babies for adoption is much more common and there are fewer supports for single mums, in the U.K. supports tend to be better and relinquishment relatively rare.

What’s bringing you to think about adoption and has that thought remained steady throughout, or is it a response to a particular set of circumstances that have arisen? Babies do generally do better with their birth parents, but so much depends on your circumstances, supports available to you through family, friends and services to overcome challenges. It’s a very hard decision regardless of circumstances and I’m sorry you’re in a position of considering it.

@lailah2021

One thing that has'nt been mentioned so far is that, if you did decide that you cannot keep your daughter, social workers would initially look to the wider birth family, that includes the father and his family
Just another factor to be considered

As much as my urge to put my hand up and ask can I be your chosen adopted mama is killing me, (I'm desperate for a baby girl beyond all words) I can tell you that the fact you're worrying about what's best for her is incredible and you're probably the best person in the world to raise your baby.

I became a mother at 20 also, it was terrifying, but then I became a mother at 30 and it was equally terrifying.

You probably have very few friends who've experienced this, you're not the first person to have that daunting feeling.
I know it's scary, it is, I won't lie, lonely, but it also can be amazing.
You have, and I mean this, have to be open to every professional about how you're feeling, you must be open to friendships and finding yourself a support network, be it online, be it with a support worker, anything or anyone.
Giving up your baby is a massive, massive commitment that could stay with you as a regret forever.
I'm here if you need a friend who remembers all too well not being the only one in her group to go out on the "superfunamazingnights", or working two jobs and still being broke. But I can also tell you nothing made me more proud than the little person I had created and really, nothing besides him mattered.
I hope you've got family you can talk too, and if you're really not wanting to be a mother and feel adoption is the best route, please, before making any rash decisions please, speak to professionals.
I know you feel overwhelmed and I remember thinking giving birth, "shit, I'm actually going to be someone's mum!", even my 3rd Time around!
You have my absolute love and support OP and a friend with absolutely no judgement with how you're feeling.
Please take care of yourself and try and remember to be as kind to you as you would your friend in this situation, you might see things differently. Big hugs xxx

NC for this

I did exactly what you are considering at a very similar age to you. If you are considering this option please think about contacting the hospital Social Services department now, SS did not pressure me (in fact, were fully supportive of me keeping my child). The process when I went through it (not sure if it differs from county to county) was:

1. Gave birth, my son was ok but slightly small (I had a dificult delivery with complications) and we stayed together in hospital for 4 days , I insisted on breastfeeding for colostrom etc... Some hospital staff lovely, others appalling and very judgy/ rude. Voluntarily giving your child up for adoption incredibly emotive for others and their behaviour reflects this when dealing with you
2. Spoke with Social worker, at my instigation, in hospital (they do not hound you, if anything they are very hands off ) a foster carer was arranged for my son
3. Upon arrangement of foster placement, my son was placed in a foster home, you will retain parental rights, you can visit etc etc
4. SS tried to arrange counselling which I repeatedly refused, lots of coercion re keeping my child. Meanwhile I kept everything for my son, hospital wrist bands, foot print, started his baby book, photos, scan pictures etc (SS ensure that adoptive parents tell their child what happened and where they came from so I felt it was important to provide some sort of information as the least I could do) SW told me that many children start new lives with new parents with nothing to physically link them to their past - this haunted me so did what I could.
5. Registered the birth
6. I chose to see my son while in foster care
7. Am a bit fuzzy here but attended a court type hearing (wasn't in the dock or anything like that, just sat with my social worker) so my son could be placed with prospective parents (caused a bit of a stink when the kind but elderly magistrate/judge asked what kind of parents I wanted for my son and I replied "No Tory voting Christians and no private education") . My social worker then asked for access to my and my son's medical records, which I gave. At all points I was offered counselling. I think from here my son was given his own SW. It felt more like a panel - but was in a court. I still retained parental rights - had to give permission for foster parents to cut his hair etc.... was informed re doctor visits due to him inheriting my dodgy tonsils and ear issues. Gave permission for injections etc etc
8. Regrettably I told SS who my son's father was and they contacted his relatives/ the father - Very awkward - they also contacted other members of my family (hideous, lots of frantic calls, nagging and generally emotional blackmail from family re keeping my son - the mess that is my family no one from my family was EVER going near him) - SS ignored me begging them not to contact family - was very difficult they looked at wider family for adoption - I think they have to... I'd kept the pregnancy secret from family so was fairly mortified.
9. Son was placed on a list and featured in an adoption magazine (they warn you that your child may not be placed, they have to do this, but quite frankly a baby would be highly likely to be placed, they don't get many babies for adoption in the UK according to the SW, at that time). SS did a lot of work ensuring that prospective adopters culturally and socially fitted my son e.g. that he would always be the eldest in the family, even looking at culural factors, father is British but his parents are from another European country... background etc is really important and it is best for your child to give as much information as possible.

10. Matching process starts, they introduced suitable couple to my son - giving me very basic details - couple increased visits, then had overnight, then plans made for my son to move in. Couple requested a meeting with me which I agreed to (Again at this point you still retain parental rights and can pull out at any time and the prospective adoptees know this and it is highly emotional even if, like me, I was firmly decided) the couple were lovely but scared I would pull out, prospective Mum was really really scared could just see it on her face, I really felt for her - they asked about my health, family health, the birth, the father - our relationship etc. It's really hard emotionally for everyone. 11 I wrote letters for the future to my son, made up and finalised the ' baby box with photos, a few toys, baby book I'd put together etc etc = its massively important for the child to do this but it is very hard. As my son was placed with prospective adoptive parents - I obviously couldnt visit and had tailed off the visits when he was in foster care in preparation. 12. Son now living with prospective parents (mine was an inter county adoption - I obviously didnt know where the parents lived etc). discussions around letterbox contact are started (Letterbox allows the parents and birth parent to have letter contact at a set time each year via SS - it is not legally binding either party can stop and there is nothing you can do about it - I was granted letterbox contact). SS prepare for a court welfare person to visit you at home. This is so that the court can be very sure you know what you are signing/ you are giving up parental rights. This part is final and there is no going back. You have no parental rights, SS will offer you counselling. Because mine wasn't an enforced adoption I did get a few bits of information ie that he was settling well, pictures and a lovely story which is too outing to put here, plus SW told me about the adoption day which sounded so very lovely.

The whole process took around a year, it was arduous and heartbreaking but I believe was right for my child. The adoption was a success and the couple adopted a younger sibling about 5 years later .

I feel strongly that voluntary adoption is seen as such a taboo (and shouldnt be, in fact I do wonder how many parents keep children they know they cannot look after because the process is really gruelling), and I had to fight tooth and nail emotionally, but feel it was right for my son as know I wasn't emotionally capable of parenting (SS didn't recognise that and just saw me as a 'together' educated young woman and repeatedly told me ' you'll be fine, it'll be ok' I knew my son would have been fine physically and looked after and loved but my emotional range is/was poor and I didnt want just 'fine' for my child I wanted overwhelming love, happiness and security and wasn't certain I could provide this, so adoption where they check adoptive parents out to the Nth degree seemed like the best way forward for my son ).

Feel free to pm me, I know its an unsual choice and it is a hard one - make no mistake, I had an excellent SW (I looked her up and she is still practising). One social worker warned me repeatedly that I was making a huge mistake - there was a lot of judgement but I stayed firm even if it led to a lot of private tears.

I really hope you find a solution for your daughter and for you. This was my experience and each experience is different. Naturally many people are very aghast at adoption (some comments made me feel like an evil serial killer) but I believe that to keep a child you know, for whatever reason, you may not be able to look after either emotionally or physically adoption can be a painful, difficult but ultimately better solution for the child and the birth parent.

pls excuse typos rather emotional post!

@PuckFutin Wow, thank you so much for sharing, you sound like a very strong woman, and I'm so sorry you encountered unhelpful judgement. I wish my kids had had the start you generously worked so hard to give your son.

@rosiethefemaleone

Thank you. I honestly feel the system needs to be changed and for it to become less taboo for Mothers to voluntarily give up their children. I am pro choice but couldnt go through with an abortion and just the length of time, pressure around keeping your child is horrendous. I also felt strongly, having read up on the hoops prospective adopters have to go through that SS and the final panel must be very certain that the parents hearts are really in it.

I really hope the OP has some support and care, to keep a child isn't easy, to give one up isn't easy.

@PuckFutin
that was a very brave thing to write

the pressure from SWs stems from the view that the best place for any child is with birth family who love and can care for them. Its a huge decision for a parent to relinquish a child, they need to be certain that its the right decision.
My son's father relinquished him - he regrets it bitterly and the guilt has not helped his mental health.

How would you like to see things changed?

The best place for any child to grow up is in its birth family, as long as that is safe. However, our society does make it very acceptable for men to say "I can't do this!" and walk away. Or to have the majority of the time to themselves and yet still be considered a 'great dad!' because he does every other weekend. A woman is only presented with really difficult options, judgement, and shame. Women often don't get the option of being a "great mum" every other weekend, with someone else doing the donkey work.

I get why PuckFutin found the push to keep her baby too much. I also get why social workers advocated for the child. Too right these things aren't easy (for women, or children).

I'm not so certain that the child is best placed with birth parents. Ironically I work with young people and families and often see/deal with the car crashes that could have been avoided. I also notice that surrogate families do not receive the same level of eyebrow raising as those who relinquish a child (we are very rare these days).

@Ted27 Relinquishing a child should be easier, why did it take just over a year and a foster placement for my son ( this is the normal way - the child moves between homes)? The parents were in the system and could have taken him straight away and then the legal part of adopting could have happened. Why wasn't I treated with some respect such as not having EVERY conversation turn to changing my mind (friends who have had abortions inform me that their compulsory counselling session was very neutral) one social worker even said to me that one day it would 'bite you on the arse in a big way.' My SW was incredible (first relinquished child case she had dealt with and she was only about 2/3 years older than me), but she was forced to probe me about 'changing my mind' etc... It is also about not allowing women control over their decisions, I notice that no one would judge my son's father. Doctors even refused to sterilise me despite knowing that I'd relinquished a child. Because women give birth to the children we are expected to behave in a certain way, usually benefitting men and society rather than focussing on the child and the mother.

Of course I am totally open to the fact my son may contact me in the future (wouldn't be difficult for him to do so and I would be very cautious in protecting his feelings and those of his parents but equally open to his approach). I am convinced though I made the best decision for him, for me and my circumstances (I have no other children and it is highly unlikely that there would be any in the future).

His parents had 13 long years of infertility, matches, panel, waiting, probing, more waiting and then had to expose themselves to attaching themselves to a child that could be wrenched away from them at any moment because I changed my mind - its barbaric and cruel for the child and prospective parents. Too many children live in ok homes when they could be with fantastic parents who are stuck in limbo waiting for matching because there are too few children. His parents recognised they felt they had hit the jackpot with a healthy baby/ young toddler with no major health/emotional/cruelty/neglect issues (dodgy tonsils and childhood ear problems apart). If I hadn't been able to read up on the legalities of the situation, know that they had to take my child I probably would have given up and been a miserable parent to an equally miserable child.

What I am saying is that if the system was less stark, more children would be available potentially leading to less harm/abuse etc... and I have a huge amount of compassion and respect for anyone who goes through adoption approval.

I have always been very cautious who I tell, my DH was very confused, shocked and still doesn't understand it even though I told him early on. I will never regret my decision, I think about my son often/ almost daily but its not with sadness more... he's at this stage I wonder if he has done XYZ/ is happy/ is backchatting his parents/ is his room a messy pit etc... relinquishing children needs to be more socially, ethically and morally acceptable before the real damage is done to the child.

@PuckFutin, you're so brave and very kind to share. So much love xx

Puckfutin There is good evidence that children do better when raised in their families of origin, as long as that is safe. Adoption has to be the least worst option. The child has the right to a family life- to take that away is huge. I'm glad for you you're confident in your decision, and I'm glad you feel it was right for you, and that adoption was the better option for you and your son.

There is no lack of children 'available' sadly. There are many children in the care system already. There have been massive scandals where relinquishment has been encouraged, and practice didn't centre the child's needs.

IME, most adopters are actually pretty anti-surrogacy, as they experience the harm that early separation from family of origin, especially the birth mother, can cause. If the family of origin cannot raise the child, then adoption is a good, least worst option.

Adoption is not, and should never be, a service for adults. It's a service for children, where it's the least worst option. If OP cannot parent her child, as you could not parent your son, then adoption can be the least worst option- it's never a 'good' option, it's never the best option. I'm sorry that might upset you.

I've contradicted myself there over whether or not adoption is 'good'- what I am trying to say is that if all other options for the child are awful, then adoption can very much be a good thing. But those situations are, or should be, rare- there should be as much support as needed for a child to stay with their family of origin.

@PuckFutin

I suppose the problem is that the SWs have to be certain that the parent won't change their mind.
Foster to adopt is an option now for prospective adopters where babies are placed with them to minimise or avoid moves for the child. Its rare but sometimes parents do change their mind and the baby goes back to them,
Someone posted about this very recently. Its been devastating for them, Its a big risk for prospective adopters and not one all are prepared to take. And a Rosie said, adoption is service for children needing families, not a service for adults. There is much to criticise in how adoption is organised in the UK, but I don't believe that measures to increase the availability of children per se should be what change should be about.

In the UK relinquishing babies is actually quite rare, but because contraception and the availability of terminations means there are far less unwanted pregnancies than there were. The majority of babies and children are removed from parents because of neglect and abuse, not because the parent found it difficult to relinquish them. Making the process of relinquishing a child easier or less of a taboo would not mean that more babies are available for adoption,

What I'm going to say now is not meant to try and make you feel guilty. Many adult adoptees will tell you about the struggles they have had, even where they had happy childhoods and good adoptions. A woman posted here very recently about the issues she has had, her birth mother was 15 - I'm sure we can all come up with reasons why a 15 year old would have relinquished their child.

Being adopted as a very young baby is now guarantee that there won't be serious issues in the future.
My son is 17, fully understands why he could not stay with his birth family, He is happy and thriving, but still struggles with self esteem and feelings of rejection. I tell him I love him and I'm proud of him - deep down he wonders why.

Adoption is never straightforward

Too many children live in ok homes when they could be with fantastic parents who are stuck in limbo waiting for matching because there are too few children.

The idea of what a good home or fantastic parents looks like is heavily socially constructed. You only need to look at debates on here about screen time, bed time, bathing and hygiene, after school activities, diet etc etc to see that what might be considered good in one home might be considered fantastic in another and neglectful in yet another. Who would decide whether a home is ok as opposed to fantastic? As a society we set the bar at risk of significant harm as a measure of whether a child should be removed from parents, and even that not a clear consistent measure.

I think there are a few things at play with relinquishment. There are still quite sexist views about what it means for a mother to relinquish rather than a father, which serve nobody well, I also believe in the UK there are throwbacks to abuses of women which included forced adoption (due to the mother being single or very young), which are still in living memory for many people and mean that agencies including social work and the court are very keen to be very sure a new mother isn’t under undue pressure to give up her child. It’s also a key principle of family law where I am that children will be raised by their parents unless it’s not possible to keep the child safe, so social workers need to evidence to the court all measures have been taken to ensure parents are supported to raise their children, particularly where lack of support has previously been cited as placing new mothers in a situation where they have to relinquish their child.

I also think social stigma around adoption generally, but particularly giving a child up, doesn’t help. Social supports, the benefits system, health care and universal services all have combined to create a situation where it’s easier to have an unplanned child and to raise that child. Contraception and access to safe termination mean fewer women end up pregnant when they don’t want to be, or continue a pregnancy they don’t want. I think those are good things, but it does mean women who do want to relinquish their child have a few, very challenging, hoops to jump through.

You have been honest @puckfutin and I will be too, I did not grow up with my birth parent and it was really hard, it was like a bereavement except not a bereavement, I struggled hugely with your first post. Many people who grew up away from birth parents say they struggle with very difficult feelings.

It is acceptable if you are sure you cannot do it, hence the sympathetic advice to the OP. But in your second post you seem aggrieved for being questioned, as though it should be seen as normal, even inconsequential. To be blunt you have no idea whether your child will be happy, better off, even okay. If you couldn't be a parent that is one thing. But it was absolutely right that you were questioned about it.

No it is not the same thing as an abortion.

Yes the biological father being in the picture is extremely important too, again many people who did not have that will tell you about the pain and loss too.

If there is a good reason then of course that is understandable.

@lailah2001 I am so sorry to hear you are in this difficult situation with a very difficult decision to make.

I would like to give you my perspective.

I have two children, one a birth child, 17, and one an adopted child, 11.

I think it is very important for you to get as much perspective as you can, on the process of adoption, which has been outlined here very well, but also on the financial benefits and opportunities etc in terms of support, and housing etc and whatever support you may have in your personal situation.

A few years ago a woman came on here to the Mumsnet adoption forum (it may have been about 6 years ago or more) to tell her story of her pregnancy which was not expected. She had other children and felt this new child could not be part of her family but was deeply troubled by it. Her marriage was breaking up and there were lots of difficult and different circumstances, which she posted about here (so, I am not sharing any info that is not out there somewhere!).

Anyway, after much discussion she decided that she would keep her baby. At the time she did not regret that decision.

When she first started posting here she really did not seem to see how she could make it work. However, she changed her mind.

I wanted to share this because I met her in real life and she really did feel at the time that her decision to keep her child was right.

So, please be open minded, as you explore, because this decision to relinquish your daughter may be right for you and her, but it also may not. So, please be open and ask any questions that would help you.

Please do come back and tell us how you.

Thinking of you. XX