Special Guardianship - grandmother

[Penpineapple]

Does anyone have any guidance on special guardianship and changing that to custody.

My partner has a daughter who he sees every week. The birth mother didn’t want to be involved (he only found out a month before baby was born) and so her mother obtained special guardianship and baby has lived with grandmother since birth. Grandmother had been really keen for another child and had jumped at the opportunity to parent again. Due to the circumstances surrounding how my partner found out about baby he agreed to that as he hadn’t ever considered having kids and the way it all happened was terrible for him. Baby (not quite a baby anymore) has been with grandmother for two years, daddy takes her out, sometimes she comes over for the weekend with us. Daddy has always said he’d like to be her full time parent but had to wait til he had a stable income and felt mentally capable of doing it.

We live together, he’s a wonderful stepdad to my son. I have always had a stable income but we aren’t married.

DP would like to have his daughter live with us full time, the older she gets the harder he finds it to leave her at her grandmothers. She knows he is daddy and grandmother also refers to him as daddy. But, she obviously loves and cares for DPs daughter.

There’s a lot of emotional issues around that, for instance removing a child from a home they’ve been in for two years. What is in the child’s best interest? Is it to be with her dad? My DS loves her and when we’re together it is great but it’s not about me or DS. Is it even about DP?

I also don’t know whether she has to agree to relinquish special guardianship. The commute to see his daughter is fairly long, an hour one way and I can see during the week he misses her.

Just looking for some advice please. I know it’s not strictly adoption but figured it was best in this section.

For clarity, I would be more than happy for her to live with us full time but I also think what’s best for her is the most important. He is worried that as she gets older she will want to know why she doesn’t get to live with daddy, you know, does he love my son more because we live together? What if we have a child together etc.

TIA

She is settled with her grandmother. He shouldn't be looking to disrupt that. Keep regular contact and if a time
Comes when grandmother can't look after her, that would be the time to offer full time care.

Honestly this sounds like a minefield and if his dd is settled I'd be very very wary of trying to change the status quo. SGO's are granted for very serious reasons and it's great your boyfriend wants to step up but he's talking about potentially turning his daughters life upside down so I'd advise going very gently.
Is increasing contact possible? Is her grandmother open to that? What are the terms of the court order regarding contact? (You don't have to answer I'm just saying the exact wording is often important)
The bottom answer is yes he can approach the courts and ask leave to appeal the SGO they would then assess and consider whether allowing him to appeal would be in his daughters best interest. Without the grandmothers agreement this would naturally be stressful and may lead to increased tension around contact. Of course if she's entirely open and feels it's a potentially good option and worth exploring then the courts would take this into consideration too.

I agree that it is best for his DD for the adults in her life to be on good terms.

It is great that he wants to be more involved and hands on, but the reality her grandmother was the one who stepped in when the parents didn't. Children can't be put in storage until the adults around them are ready - her home is with her grandmother.

I wouldn't try to change the SGO, but talk with the grandmother about increasing contact - in a way that supports her to have a break.

It's tough. I can understand how he feels- but the fact that his MH seems also rooted in an extent to the stability that your relationship brings. You split up- it's an unknown how that would affect him and his current stable life. He sees her regularly, but it doesn't sound that he's ever perused regular overnight/ shared care- comes in, takes her out, both have a great time then she goes back to her Grans house. Not saying in the future if night not be something to change, that something more formal with overnight care with him, but right now- the current set up until he can establish he is actually mental healthy enough seems fairer to the child.

I don’t know the exact wording but I’ll find out. Thank you for your comments, you’ve echoed how I feel and whilst it’s not my situation as a parent myself I wouldn’t want to encourage him to do something that’s potentially the wrong thing if that makes sense.

I think we should make sure she has a bedroom and have her at weekends or alternate, I don’t want to disrupt her stability but she needs to know as she gets older that she does have a place with us whenever she wants it. Would that be a good idea?

He has a good relationship with the grandma but she would be reluctant I think for her to move in with us and there are two children in the house so she has a stable family setting. The grandmother isn’t “old” so unless there were health issues I can’t see how the situation would change in that respect

Grandmother has overriding parental responsibility which means he cannot override her decisions. She would have to agree for the child to leave her care - is that likely?
The time to go for care of the child was when they were born, not two years later. He should continue to enjoy the time he spends with her and stay on good terms with the grandmother. Anything else is likely to harm the child.

I would advise against asking for every weekend that often is recommended as it doesn't give the child 'downtime' at the home. However making sure she has a room and space at her fathers is a great idea.
If he has a good relationship with the grandmother I'd ask for maybe a extra evening and he should continue to build his relationship with his dd during contact.
The fact you and I assume he are asking here and willing to listen is great. Disrupting a SGO is very serious and in my opinion is very rarely in the child's best interests even though I understand your boyfriends desire to see his dd more.

@Penpineapple

your post is all about what your partner wants. How do you feel about it?

Is not recommended - sorry

@Penpineapple you sound very wise and caring. Well done for thinking of the child first and foremost.

I agree with others, stability for the child is key. She is settled. She will think of grandma as mum and probably think of the other child in the house (who is presumably her birth mum's full or half sibling) as her sibling.(Correct me if I am wrong.)

Your partner had a chance to offer to parent full time and I hope no one has blamed him for not being able to at the time. Something has changed and I agree with a previous poster that you may have made the difference and he is now a more able person with you by his side.

Just to throw into the thought processes, could he cope with all that is require to look after a two year old? Does he work? If so, who would look after her while he is at work? If not, how will he afford the responsibility of the costs of raising a child?

How long have you been together, living together? Might you have a child together?

You do not need to answer these here but they are things to think about.

I don't know you will be able to talk him out if asking about this,may e he needs to think about it, but I agree you should not encourage it.

All the best, you sound very caring and switched on.

We’ve been together since before she was born, but weren’t living together at the time. His DD is the product of a very short abusive relationship (from the baby mothers side) hence why when she was born he struggled. Obviously it’s different for a man than a woman, I don’t judge him for the decision he made but there are also those consequences to consider, if you’re unable to step up straight away, and someone else does that well, it’s a child’s life not a puppy! I think we will make her a bedroom, then he can have her over when it’s suitable for her, I take the point about not every weekend. I 100% agree that she should be kept in the home she has known and yes grandmother is the mother in that sense. She essentially has parental figures and “siblings” and there is no need to remove her from that situation. I think DP understands that I guess it’s just hard for him because of how much he has grown to love his daughter, however....the time was when she was born.

Thank you all, I felt like I was being a bit callous as I believe she should stay with her grandmother. I was worried it would sound like I didn’t want her here but that’s not the case. Children should always come first, I understand it’s hard for him but it would be harder taking her away from stability.

You can maybe help him to understand that the courts simply won't remove her from her grandmother- the threshold would be the same as if the local authority was trying to remove a child due to abuse so it's clearly not going to happen and would just upset and alienate the grandmother if he tried. It's far far better to remain amicable and cooperative.

@Zebra13

Have to say I disagree slightly with these posts. Long-term , would it be better for the child to be with the natural father, ( parent), than grandma if possible.

Interested to know why you think that? X

@Penpineapplei'm so sorry for your partner. He's been through a tough time.

It's great he has you, you sound very level headed.

I think you'll support your do very well and as time goes on he may step up more with his daughter in teens of contact and responsibility.

In one sense the grandma has preserved his relationship with his daughter. If the baby had gone into the care system and been adopted out of the family he would most likely only have letter box contact.

It is so hard and I really wish him, and you, all the best.

do

Not do dp

I don't see why the daughter can not end up living with you and your partner as long as it is built up over time. He can have her stay with you more an more often. Although given the Grandmother has raised her since a baby I do feel she should always stay regularly with her. Perhaps over time the Grandmother becomes like the NRP in the situation. But I do believe that long term it is better growing up living with her father. I do believe any approach should centre around the child.

Obviously it’s different for a man than a woman,

Really it’s not, he became a parent when the child was born and - having a hard time or not - chose not to parent that child. The only difference is that most women don’t have the choice to walk away when they’re having a hard time.

That may sound harsh, but letting men off the hook for caring for the children they co-create isn’t ok, the baby was let down by both parents equally. Her grandmother has given her a safe, secure home - that’s no small thing - and now he’s feeling better he wants the child back, presumably with you doing the bulk of childcare.

He has an active role in her life, which will change as she gets older, at 2 she’s very young to express a view about whether she would want to live with her dad but he really should consider the impact of removing her from the family that she knows - that’s likely to be traumatic for her and I’d avoid that kind of trauma if at all possible.

A room at your place, occasional overnights, more structured contact all sound good but I’d not be trying to overturn a special guardianship on the basis that he quite fancies a turn at being dad. That’s a huge level of disruption for a small child whose already had a lot of disruption.

Another thing, does he pay any child support to the grandmother raising his child? I’d start with him taking financial responsibility for her. It’s great that he’s grown to love her and wants to be part of her life but parenting is much more than love.

he really should consider the impact of removing her from the family that she knows - that’s likely to be traumatic for her and I’d avoid that kind of trauma if at all possible.

This is just not likely to happen, unless the grandmother agreed, which seems unlikely.

He can apply to the court to have the special guardianship revoked, and the court can approve that if they think it’s in the child’s best interest regardless of whether the grandmother agrees. Irrespective of how likely the court are to agree, the process would cause stress and uncertainty for all concerned.

@Jellycatspyjamas

He can apply to the court to have the special guardianship revoked, and the court can approve that if they think it’s in the child’s best interest regardless of whether the grandmother agrees. Irrespective of how likely the court are to agree, the process would cause stress and uncertainty for all concerned.

Indeed But the threshold for removal from the grandmother would have to be as high as the threshold for any other removal from a main carer. So it would be pointlessly antagonistic to try.

I don’t think we’re disagreeing on that.

@Penpineapple - valid point made by someone- does he pay full child support to the grandmother?