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Adoption

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Original poster

How do you feel towards your DC's birth mother?

44 replies

WoohooCharityShops · 06/05/2021 19:55

Pity? Anger? Indifference?

I appreciate its all very individual but I'm curious, how do you feel towards/about her?

OP posts:

AncientEmo · 07/05/2021 19:23

My DC was removed because of neglect/harm. I felt anger at first and sometimes still do when I think about the impacts on him. But I also feel sad for her; she was repeatedly let down as a child and her life could have been so different if she'd had someone looking out for her. She's quite bubbly and likeable. Weirdly, I want her to approve of me and what I'm doing. It's complicated. But without her I wouldn't have my DC who I love more than anything.

Bananahana · 07/05/2021 19:52

A huge amount of empathy. She should have been adopted when she was young, she was let down by everyone. That’s so so sad to me.

That said, regardless, she should have fed her children, kept them warm warm and safe.

And as she didn’t, then I will. That’ll be my joy and her pain.

Mama1980 · 07/05/2021 19:54

My children's bm was once my friend. She fell pregnant with my eldest at 15 and she spiralled into a cycle of abusive relationships and addiction. I wish things could have been different for her.

Italiangreyhound · 07/05/2021 23:40

I feel sympathy for my son's birth mum. I wonder if she could have managed to have her son in her life if she had left his dad. But she didn't do that.

People on this thread sound so lovely and nice.

Mynamenotaccepted you sound amazing.

WoohooCharityShops I'm so glad your life has changed. I hope you and your birth child are reunited one day in whatever appropriate way.

XXXX

donquixotedelamancha · 08/05/2021 00:11

Some anger (littlest one is permanently harmed and the eldest probably is too, but less obviously), some pity, a little frustration that they don't reply to contact but mostly a lot of sadness for them and worry for if my daughters want to contact them in future.

That said I'm always impressed by the BPs who come on here, accept responsibility for past mistakes and still try to do the best for their child. It must be incredibly hard.

thistle52 · 10/05/2021 15:24

For my oldest son - I worry about her a lot and I do feel incredibly sad for the life she finds herself living and for her losing her children. I feel sad that she has no one to care for her or lover her unconditionally. She also had a poor start and as a result made some poor choices. I know she loved him and he will also know that too.

Allington · 10/05/2021 16:48

Sadness and compassion. She loved our daughters and wanted the best for them, and had such a difficult life herself before dying very young (in her 30s). If I had had the upbringing she had I can't say I would have done any better.

We had direct contact, and she was always so happy to see them and so pleased that they had a second mother (me) who loved them and gave them what she could not.

When she died I felt weirdly lonely - she wasn't part of our daily lives, but she was the one other person in the world (I am a single parent) who loved our daughters as unreservedly and crazily as I did - as a parent.

Mynamenotaccepted · 10/05/2021 18:44

Have been giving this a lot of thought, I am wondering whether birth parents who relinquish their children get a different reaction from those whose parents who had their children removed by social services.
Seven of my children were relinquished and I look at them and think what lovely people and the parents are the losers. With our son who was removed I did feel anger (please read earlier post) until he died.
Just a thought, blame lockdown!

Ted27 · 10/05/2021 19:32

@Mynamenotaccepted

its relatively unusual isnt it for parents to truly relinquish their children.
Even if they don’t protest or comply, not many take an active decision to give their children up do they ?
My son’s birth mum just disappeared from the scene. She was serving a short term prison sentence and then just never went back.
Did she relinquish or just give up ?

Mynamenotaccepted · 10/05/2021 20:22

Ted27 my eldest AS has Down Syndrome and I was at his delivery (midwife/ paediatric nurse) I cared for him on NICU I was so happy when he started to feed and when parents visited I excitedly said he will be ready to go home soon. They looked at me and said we will not be taking him home. That was their decision. All my AC's made the choice bar one made the first move to not take their baby home.
They all had special needs and SS did try to get the parents to take their baby home to no avail. So sad

Original poster

WoohooCharityShops · 10/05/2021 21:18

@Mynamenotaccepted

Ted27 my eldest AS has Down Syndrome and I was at his delivery (midwife/ paediatric nurse) I cared for him on NICU I was so happy when he started to feed and when parents visited I excitedly said he will be ready to go home soon. They looked at me and said we will not be taking him home. That was their decision. All my AC's made the choice bar one made the first move to not take their baby home. They all had special needs and SS did try to get the parents to take their baby home to no avail. So sad

That's so sad. I just can't imagine rejecting my children because of disability.

Perhaps I'm biased because my second son who lives with me full time has special needs, but even before he came along I don't think I could have ever willingly given up any of my DC regardless.

I received my letterbox contact today along with more photos of my birth son, I hadn't seen his face in almost 8 years until this past week. Just incredible. I feel very lucky to have these photos.

You all (like my BC's mum) sound like remarkable parents and fantastic people, so from a birth mum - thank you

OP posts:

londonscalling · 15/05/2021 10:28

It depends on the reason the children have been adopted.

A friend has adopted children whose mother died and she feels sadness but also love and gratitude towards her (she was supposedly a lovely woman).

The flip side is that their father was abusive and she feels anger towards him!

Barbadosgirl · 17/05/2021 22:33

Lots of compassion and gratitude I had a better start in life which meant I didn’t face what they did. Real heartbreak when I look at my wonderful kids and what they are missing. Sometimes a bit angry they didn’t do better for them and frustrated they still can’t (no contact at all).

icelollies · 19/05/2021 07:57

I feel a lot of compassion for my sons birth mother - I’ll be forever grateful that she carried her baby to term and that we got to adopt him through foster to adopt / concurrency. And I have a lot of respect for her as I watched her go through the gruelling adoption proceedings. We attended a couple of the meetings and she faced all the criticism and details of her life being discussed with dignity and acceptance.
I know that she was given opportunities and offered a lot of help from social services that she could not and did not accept, but i can also see that she was a victim of her circumstances and her own upbringing.
When we talk about her to my son, it’s with a lot of compassion and respect, I want him to know that she did love him, and she made sure he was safe with us.

MummyJ12 · 27/05/2021 12:45

Sadness and compassion that she doesn’t get the joy that I have from dd and for her loss. Disappointed that she makes no effort with indirect contact (although I understand that this may be a self preservation thing) and also disappointed that she has continued to have children even though she knows she is unable to parent them so the inevitable happens and she loses them also. Mainly huge gratitude that she brought such a wonderful and beautiful human being into this world who I am lucky enough to parent. The only anger I feel is towards the foster family who were just awful and they damaged her just as much as her birth mum. (But that’s a whole other story).

Skatastic · 28/07/2021 21:09

@WoohooCharityShops sorry to bump a thread from so long ago but I'm an adopted person who has never met their birth Mum and I wanted to tell you that when I think of her I feel so sad that she had to make such a tough decision. I've had my own children and can't imagine not being in their lives. If I ever met her I would tell her how brave I think she is and how I dont blame her for her choices.

I hope that helps. You sound lovely.

Misspollyhadadolly92 · 30/07/2021 16:27

I have always had compassion and empathy for birth parents, but the last year for my adoptive son has been horrendous. The low self esteem,the anger, the violence..he is in therapy age 6. I am saddened by all the inutero experiences that have contributed to this. Its so sad. We will get through it,but when times are just so hard my heart breaks for him.

Rosebud2005 · 01/08/2021 01:02

I’m sad that my son went through all he did to get here but I can also understand his mother’s situation. Everyone’s situation is different but no adoption comes without a poor back story

veejayteekay · 08/08/2021 09:49

For me and my BMs circumstances I just feel a sense of protectiveness and empathy for her. I can honestly say any negative feelings are more about sadness for what she's lost and missed out on rather than ill will. Xx

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