Little one coming home Thursday but no time for intros

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I posted last week about changing to FFA after approval because we had been approached by family finders about a little one who is our perfect match.

We've decided to go ahead but had a call Friday evening to say the foster carer is insisting she is gone by the end of this week not 2 weeks time as we were told.

This means there's no time for intros, we may get to go over one evening to give her dinner, bath and bed but it seems the foster carer isn't even keen on that. I'm really worried about how little one will cope suddenly coming to strangers and then never seeing foster carer again (she doesn't want ongoing contact). She's 21 months old so not sure how much she will understand about what's happening to her.

I would say she would understand something has changed dramatically but will not understand the why or be able to verbally raise her concerns. This could be very traumatic for her.

What does your SW and the child's SW say about this?

Wow, the foster carer is failing her duty here imo. Why does she want it to be so fast?

If possible I would push to start introductions ASAP, ideally today or tomorrow, so you can get a few days in.

Introductions to our LO were short (cut down from 10 days to 4) because lockdown started. We managed to persuade social services to have an extra day on the end. Nonetheless it was really tough. LO was confused and traumatised, he'd never spent time alone with us before and we didn't feel like we'd had any time to get to know him. Things are great now but as a family we could have had a better start.

If you can I'd advise going hard on the SWs today to start introductions tomorrow morning or get the foster carer to work with you as she's supposed to do?

We did what we could to keep routines the same, we gave him the same food, used the same laundry detergent and only used the toys/clothes he came with for ages. We did some video chats with FCs which seemed to help.

This is really hard for you and LO and I'm shocked that the foster carer is doing this!

I agree with Emo. If the FC is not budging then I would say intros start tomorrow and even go on into the weekend. That gives you more time. It's not just about learning the routines, but also she has to learn that you are her safe person and it will be a lot easier for her to do that if she is with people she already trusts in an environment she is comfortable with.

Ultimately, if the FC won't budge and the SW has no force (I imagine they can't) then the LO will be leaving the FC home. The decision here is does she come to you with you recognising this is not the way it should be done and understanding that this will be very traumatic. Or does she go elsewhere to an interim FC. Or do you think that this outcome has meant she isn't the right match for you. None of those are right or wrong. You need to do what's right for you (and family if you're a couple).

I think the SWs need to step in here, going to an interim FC would just pile on the trauma.

Thanks all, the foster carer's husband is ill which is why she is wanting it done so quickly.

We only found out about little one on Weds evening last week and made the decision to go ahead Fri morning. She is coming to us under FFA as they don't want to move her to another foster placement while we undergo the matching process as her SW feels 2 moves in a short space of time will be too traumatic.

I did ask initially if we could have her next Tues and have the Easter weekend for intros as although my work are understanding they want me in all this week (and probably working late) to handover and tie up any loose ends before being off for a year but FC is adamant that she won't wait that long. I'm still waiting to hear if we can at least do dinner, bath and bed one night but even that doesn't feel like enough time. I'm also waiting for my manager to call me back to see if I can have any time off this week for intros even if they are just an hour I feel that's better than nothing.

Our SW has said it's not the norm but feels we can cope and we do feel she's absolutely the right match for us on what we've read and the brief glimpse we saw of her on the video call but I'm just really worried about the impact on her and no one else seems to be.

FC are human and life does throw up difficult situations sometimes. But I am finding myself wondering, what is the illness exactly. Did they take on the DC knowing one of them had an issue? I don't expect you to say here, if you know what it is anyway, but I think I would be pressing hard on this one and, bluntly, using every trick in the book to do a lengthier intro if it seems like this is something that COULD have been thought through better but has just become more inconvenient than expected and if they can get away with cutting it short, they will do. If that makes sense.

Anyway, not sure this is at all helpful. All I have to offer is what I'd consider advising a friend in this situation.

OVienna we don't know what the illness is, only that he's taken a turn for the worse

In the initial phone call we were told it would be 4 weeks so there was time for intros, then on the call with little one's SW and the FC she mentioned 2 weeks then the phone call Fri evening was 1 week.

I do think the LA have known about this for longer and could have planned better, at the end of the day we will do whatever is best for little one but I can't see such a short time is what is best for her

It does sound like extenuating circumstances on the part of FC and a v poorly husband. In the longer it would be more traumatic for LO to be moved to interim FC, then to you. While it's certainly far from ideal a plan needs to be put together asap with lots of support for everyone concerned! 😔

Our SW has said it's not the norm but feels we can cope and we do feel she's absolutely the right match for us on what we've read and the brief glimpse we saw of her on the video call but I'm just really worried about the impact on her and no one else seems to be.

You being able to cope is only part of the picture here though, what do they think of your little ones capacity to cope? I agree that an interim placement with another move planned isn’t really an option, if she has to move the fewer moves there are the better. I also wonder how the male foster carers illness is impacting the atmosphere in the house and the female carers capacity to actually care for the child. It may be that a quick move, while not at all ideal, would be better than leaving her for longer in a home where there are already huge emotional demands being made. I can also really understand the carers wanting to spend time together preparing for his death, if things are as they sound.

If you can spend some time on any kind of intros, I use that getting to know your child, I wouldn’t worry too much about meal times, bed times etc because they are routines that the foster carer can talk you through and write down - the reality is things don’t be the same at your house anyway even if you do follow the same “pattern” because you’re different people and won’t do things in the same way.

See if the sw can press for even a day or two, and use the time for play and interaction, spend time talking about her new home, bring photos, bring a transition object, get to know which toys are precious to her etc.

Wanting to do what’s best for her in such circumstances may be looking at a balance of harm and aiming for what’s least harmful to her, rather than what’s ideal. It’s an awful situation all round, but it sounds like the foster carers are in crisis themselves (rather than just being difficult), and your child might be in a better place being moved from that environment sooner rather than waiting for the usual process to run their course?

Of course, you also have your own, very very quick, adjustment to make which is likely to be tricky. Have sw said what support they’ll be giving in the weeks post placement? We had weekly (initially twice weekly) visits which really helped because I knew at some point I’d be able to speak about my stuff without needing to say I was struggling. Look for sw to commit to decent support for you immediately post placement because you’re little one will need a lot from you, and you can only give that if you’re supported.

In the initial phone call we were told it would be 4 weeks so there was time for intros, then on the call with little one's SW and the FC she mentioned 2 weeks then the phone call Fri evening was 1 week.

It sounds like his illness might have progressed more quickly than anticipated if the original plan was a more measured move, or that the carers capacity to cope simply isn’t there. It’s always a risk with foster care and often the one pressure that can be lifted is caring for a foster child. In such circumstances I’d do what I could to have as planned a move as possible and know that it’s far from ideal, but might be the best way forward in the circumstances.

Thanks Jellycatspyjamas, both our SW and little ones SW are on annual leave the week after Easter so we will just have a duty number to call if we need anything so not ideal at all. The FC's SW is going to do the handover on Friday as neither are available then either but we haven't met her yet.

I've tried to get in touch with our SW and left her a message to see if we can do some kind of intro before Friday.

In the absence if your Adoption SW i would expect someone else to step in, even if it's the SW manager!

I’d ask your sw to identify someone in the team to be your point of contact - annual leave can’t be helped but you’re going to be moving a child under less than ideal circumstances and you need someone who has a bit of background knowledge to touch base with you in that first week. The social worker should be able to give you a named contact and, in the normal scheme of things, you’d have a lot of contact through intros and early placement. They’ve moved the goalposts here and should be actively supporting you as a new mum.

If she won’t give you that, and a scheduled check in I’d be saying the move needs to wait until you can be properly supported through it - which will get them moving, believe me.

The way it reads, there’s a crisis with the foster carers and you’re a tidy solution to that crisis for the child - and you sound happy with the match, so you may be an excellent solution, but they need to pull their finger out and properly support the move. I’d want a scheduled check in by a named sw who will contact you, and a first visit or contact when your service and the child’s sw are back after leave. That’s the very very least they can do in the circumstances. Pop your request in an email to your sw, the child’s sw and their senior/team leader pointing out the speed of the move, the lack of preparation (no ones fault in the circumstances) and your need for support in helping your little one transition.

Given they were looking at moving her next week, how the hell were they going to do that if both sw were on holiday? I’d want a call with the foster carers sw before Friday to talk through how they plan to handle things, and at least give you an idea of what to expect. You can’t turn up and have some random person hand you your child, that’s ridiculous.

I wouldn’t over worry about little one coming straight to you, much better that than another placement, as a foster career I have had young children placed, the children in those situations are never prepared, and while it’s not nice for your little one, you will be the best option. Send the foster career a picture of yourselves via mobile and ask her to show it to LO.

We did a week of video calls before we started our introductions, it meant that the children recognised us when we first met, would that be possible maybe? Or Could you also send large photos of yourselves to the Foster carer to put up next to little ones cot or in the living room, again so she recognises you. We also did a couple of short videos (just 30seconds showing around the home and introducing ourselves which we whatsapped to the Foster carers. Our daughter was a similar age coming home, but we did have full introductions.
I appreciate these are only small things and won't help a huge amount with such a quick transition but may provide a small element of familiarity when you first meet?

It sounds like a really difficult situation for everyone then, including FC. It's tough with work and handovers too.

In our introductions, we met for a few hours on day 1. Did morning routine day 2 and went for a walk together, then he came to our house with FC which went terribly tbh, it was horrible! Day 3 he came to our house with FC for bedtime routine and it went quite well this time. Day 4 we took him home. It was really, really hard. But likewise it was the best option to stop from delaying placement indefinitely.

It will be harder for your LO as she's that much older. Make sure you get the most out of the introduction time you have available. Can you do some video calls beforehand?

I'd also talk to SWs about support post placement, getting a proper regime of regular visits and support in place maybe more than the usual. We did some Attachment Works after placement and they made a huge difference.

Without FC* it's meant to say

This sounds so difficult. I’d push hard for some bump in meetings/intros to start this week ASAP. It is going to be so traumatic for a 21 month old to move without any introductions.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone, we've sent some photos over for the foster carers to show her and still pushing to get an intro or at the very least a video call but hit a bit of a roadblock. Apparently the decision needs to be signed off by the LA's ADM who is on annual leave until tomorrow so they won't let us even have a video call until the ADM has given their seal of approval.

That’s ridiculous. They can do bump ins before ADM so no need to block them at all. Makes me so angry for you and your little one.
Good luck!

Our sw called us every day during intros. I would expect someone from one of the sw teams to do that. That is the bare minimum in a situation like yours.

Your child will have to deal with a ton of preverbal trauma. You might want to see if the child's LA can get you into one of the Early Years programmes of the Anna Freud Centre. They currently offer a lot online.

There is no denying this will be traumatic for the little one but I agree that she need to come to you rather than an interim move.

I am a foster carer as well as an adopter. We currently have a 21 month old with us who came at 19 months with 2 hours notice and no intros. He was moved from birth family as a result of an EPO therefore just lifted and brought to us. He has settled well on the face of it and doing well. However, he gets very tense and clings to us when anyone comes to the door and will not move from us when social workers/ health visitor calls. He is obviously prettified they will take him somewhere. He has ongoing contact with his family so has got to see them again and know they are ok which your wee one won’t have.

Our little man has another move now ahead of him as they are seeking a placement order now and so will be matched for adoption. It is that move, even though it will be planned and have proper intros, that will be hardest on him as it will re-traumatise him. I think you are doing the right thing taking her now to prevent that next move. You may well find like our wee one she may adapt to it quickly on the face of it. It will be the long term effect that will not be seen at this stage so you will need to seek professional support in managing this trauma as part of her narrative and ongoing life-story work.

We have ADM approval and are now able to go over later this afternoon to do dinner, bath and bed and tomorrow morning for breakfast and getting ready.

I discussed how worried I was with our SW and she has said that she'll now be there when little one gets dropped off first thing in the morning on Friday, will check in on us every day and keep her phone on throughout the Easter so we can phone her at any time which is very reassuring.

I've been following your post. I'm pleased that you will at least get some introduction and support. I just wanted to add Congratulations.