Contact with birth family - advice please (a bit long!)

[ScotsBird]

Hi all, apologies in advance if this rambles a bit. I am a regular on mumsnet but am a reader rather than a poster so might not have the knack of efficient posting.

Anyway, I am 34 and have always known I was adopted (my birth parents were just 16 when I was born). Great relationship with mum (adoptive) and adopted sister and mum always made sure we knew that she was happy for us to trace. So, in August this year I got hold of my original birth cert and sent a message to my birth mother after finding her on t'internet. Anyhow, turns out she and my birth father are still together, been married for 28 years and have two daughters. We have communicated loads by email and have met up (I live in south england and they live in scotland so it was not hugely simple to organise) - meeting was really positive and we all got on great.

However, my mum is gutted and is really struggling with feelings of rejection and jealousy (despite my reassurances that I am not seeking an alternative family and that I still love and regard her as my mum). She is very gracious about it though, and wants me to do what is best for me. Other issue is that birth parents never told their daughters (17 and 21 yrs) about the child they had adopted and they say now that they need to tell them, and how do I feel about the girls wanting to be part of mine and my family's lives. Feels like they are waiting for me to give them the green light to tell their daughters. I have told them that I am happy for them to tell or to keep it a secret, as I don't want to feel the responsibility for their daughters taking it badly and it causing a potential family rift.

I talked to dh last night and he said that I am the one holding all the cards cos any decisions I make will affect everyone else's lives. I don't know what to do for the best.

Should I completely embrace my birth parents and my birth sisters into my family (dh, dd (4)and ds (20mths)) and risk hurting my mum, or just back off, "remember where my loyalties lie" and maintain an email relationship with birth parents at a safe distance?

Well done if you have got to the end of this! Thoughts from anyone gratefully received.
thanks in advance

Hi everyone, each time I log back into this thread there are more fascinating stories! Rosa, your meeting sounds great, and I can really see the advantages of taking your dh and children. I hope your meeitng with your birth sisters goes well - let us know how you get on!

Christie, I am trying really hard to be cool, calm and measured about every aspect of this "journey" but like yours my mum (adoptive) is increasingly not Ok about the whole thing. She told me the other night that she thinks birth parents only want to meet me because they feel guilty for putting me up for adoption all those years ago (I know this is not the case and that they are genuinely interested in ME). She has also said that my birth sisters are only my sisters through "an accident of birth" and I can't describe why but this really cut to the quick when she said it (I am not the type of woman who gets easily upset so I was surpised by my reaction).

Kewcumber, you said that you would be curous about your ds's birth parents and I think that this is a testament to you rather than an across the board feeling on the part of adoptive parents - I wish my mum felt like you do!

Finished blethering on now, am off to have a cup of tea. thanks for listening!

Scotsbird - "only by accident of birth" , well adoptive siblings are only siblings through "accident of social worker". I sort of know what she means, ie you haven't a lifetime of shared experiences that you have with the siblings you grew up with but am really shocked that she said that to you.

I understand that she may feel very threatened by your search but really, that is her issue to deal with (however hard) and alienating you over it is not exactly going to make you less likely to want to know.

It's easy for me to pronounce on the topic however as I'm some years of having to face this in reality.

I also think adoptive parents are far better prepared now for the fact that many children wheo were adopted do want to know as much as possible about birth parents. And whatever we feel about that I think that most of us accept that fact in return for the priviledge of raising that child. I can't imagine not being curious about DS's birth parents - they are part of what made him who he is and I adore him. I would love to know what of his personality and abilities are inherited and which uniquely his from lord knows where, where his beautiful eyes and smile came from etc. I occasionally (birthdays, Xmas etc) draft letters in my mind to his BM as I sometimes fell that she is the only other person who (in a parallel world) would have felt the same about him as I do. Of course that may be a romanticised image of her, but I can't help it!

hi there. i too am adopted and hve found my birth mum, nearly 20 years ago now. we have a fantastic relationship. of course when i was adopted in 1960 things were very different and adoptive parents were assured that the bm would never know anything more of the child and vice versa. it is of course distressing then for the adoptive parents to feel anything but apprehensive. i fully understand why your bm has not told your siblings also, as that puts more pressure on the family unit. i am a foster carer now and foster pre adoption babies. its all a very different story now. each child has a lifestory, in 2 parts. a personal history of time spent with bm (which the bm can contribute to if she feels able) also a part of the time spent with the foster carer including milestones etc and then there is the part from social services which the child can read when they are old enough to understand detailing the whole process including their part in the proceeding......gosh i am waffling. what i wanted to say that i dealt with it and still do by keeping my two lives completely seperate. my children now in their 20's do too without ever being asked to do so just seemed to sense it was the best thing to do.
enjoy both your families and god luck x

I've been through something similar, my birth mother found me in 2000. I get on fine with her and her two sons, I consider them brothers yet see her as more of a friend. When she originally found me I was already going through a very difficult patch in my life. Although I was completely open minded about the situation the reaction from my adoptive mother and brother (Dad is always cool about stuff) really pissed me off. It became about them and how she felt. At the time I muddled through but now I really resent her for it. This is about you as the adoptee, no one else. Don't be guilt tripped into putting their feelings first, this is too important. Her feeling insecure is not your problem, its hers. Sorry if I sound harsh, just a tad bitter from experience.

hi all, can I hope on here?!?

was adopted in 1976 and all I managed to do was see a copy of original birth cert and my adoption records at the court when I was 18

have done nothing since and not sure if I should or not, everynow and then I take a notion to do it but never seem to get round to it

the link to the social services earlier was only for England and Wales, anyone know where to start for Scottish adoptions?

I have an adopted DD and I hope that, one day, she will have a good relationship with her birth parents, who live locally. I am gradually telling her her story - very gradually - as she is only 3. I have two birth sons and I think that helps me not to feel possessive towards her - her birth parents had many problems of their own which meant they were not able to parent her, but I know they love her.

I think you CAN have your birth family and your adoptive family in your life, but you need to move slowly so that you are not overwhelmed, both by joy at having found them and grief at having lost them in the first place.

dizzy - have you accessed your records held at the Registrar generals office in Edinburgh? Have you registered with Birthlink?

general registrar office

birthlink

sorry didnt really answer your other questions. of course, no one but you can decide when / if its the right time to seek further information about your birth family. everyone is different. the fact that you have never got around to it probably means that this is not the right time for you. you will know when you want to move forward on this

you coudl go for counseling to help you explore these issues, with no comittenmnt to making any kind of contact

kristinaM I saw my original birth cert at edinburgh and they pointed me in direction of court that dealt with the adoption and I saw the adoption records there

have done nothing since

God! This whole thread reminds me how complicated this whole area is. If you are interested, my story is that I was adopted in 68 in New Zealand. My bm was an australian catholic girl, and during that period a LOT of these girls were sent/went to NZ to have the child and then return home after their "holiday" without the embarrassing problem. In NZ at that time there were a lot of baby adoptions for this reason. Not only that, because there were so many babies, it wasn't a case of feeling really lucky that you could get a baby, but the babies should be grateful for getting a home!
My adoptive mother gave me quite sinister and unnecessary impressions when I was a girl that my bm was of a very "bad type". I don't think she ever said it outright, but I was under the impression she could have been a hooker. Nice. As a result, I was also told that I had to be very careful as a teenager about boys, etc, as if I had a genetic inheritance that made me more prone to promiscuious behaviour than my sister, their birth child. I cannot explain how it feels, at that age, to be told you cannot trust yourself, that if I didn't constantly check myself, I might "revert to type". I was actually incredibly sad.
So I found my bm when I was 18, and guess what, she was an estate agent in Perth! I weep with relief. She had married a few years after having me and had three more children. But it was difficult; she flew to NZ to meet me and she wanted to take over my life, to go and live in Perth and reintegrate into her family. My bm said she hated her and could never forgive her for the way she treated me (?).
It was all too much so I came to London and have remained here ever since; I have a dh, a ds7 and dd10months. I have no family here.
My bm died of cancer when I was 26 and I have had some contact with her children, and it would be possible to have more, but it would be too complicated. I could separate out in my head the two separate families, but how do I ask my children to do that. It would have to be a secret that my son knew about his aunts in Australia when he speaks to my sister in NZ.
Ideally I imagine my sister in NZ getting on with my bsisters and my adopted mother accepting my bsisters now that my bm is dead and having family get togethers but the reality is this will never happen, so I can't accept that I'm the one (and my children) who would have to sneak around and keep secrets. I also can't contemplate drawing my own lovely children into the tainted family environment that I had to put up with.
The result, though none of them can see it, is that I live on the other side of the world.
Once you open the adoption box, I'm afraid that you have to be prepared for making all the compromises yourself, because everyone else has an opinion about who you should be allowed to talk to. Unless you are a very strong person it can be very overwhelming and distressing.