Anyone else worried about the return to school?

[SimonJT]

Is anyone else dreading going back to school?

My little one (going into year 1) found the transition into reception really hard and morning drop off only stopped being a trauma for him around February time. He had always found transitions difficult, but school has been a big issue. We were accessing play therapy, I continue this as home but it just isn’t as effective as professional input and I’m worried that all the work we put in from September to March is potentially a waste.

We did a few days at school in July, they were all a bit of a disaster, so I’m essentially crapping myself that shows how he is going to cope, or not cope in September.

Has anyone else got a serious case of the wobbles about going back to school?

Starting more or less from scratch.
It's impossible.

I don't know what she needs or who from.
Schools being closed last term and general covid have made accessing help 10x harder.
School won't let me on the site with her, she can't even try going to a lesson late as they have staggered year group times so being late she'll bump into the y8s or whatever.

Doctor have now given me a referral letter for psychiatrist, but CAMHS wait list is a mile long and Dr isn't allowed to recommend a private one so I have to stick pins in to try to find one that is a) suitable and b) available some point before we all crack up.

Just got DD up and dressed in uniform all ready to go straight in.
School rang. They are having a fire drill, DD should delay for an hour.
DD now changed back to home clothes and pacing the house.
I have no idea how to help her.

That sounds so hard on all of you

Scraping for suggestions - do post-adoption support hold any lists of recommended therapists? Or Adoption UK or NATP might have recommendations? Is it worth asking other local adopters? I know I've discovered good OTs and Attachment psychologists by asking around other adopter families, or by asking a post-adoption SW. Does the National ASF still exist? If so, maybe that could help with funding?

@UnderTheNameOfSanders is she able to talk at all about what she finds distressing/found distressig about lockdown? ie verbalise it? Are her friends reacting in a similar way? If so they might all be feeding into each other's anxiety. It is really good she got her uniform on this morning. You could try talking her through each step of the way, what she will see, think, feel, how others will be acting, and also get her to imagine herself feeling happy, and enjoying the various parts of the day she used to enjoy. Judging by mumsnet threads, many young teens have found this time very hard.

Thank you all. I asked school whether there were others like her, but no, she is extreme. It's all pretty complicated relating to adoption and also home/sister issues over the last few years.
I'm just exhausted.
I'll probably feel better in a couple of days, ready to try new things.

Look after yourself @UnderTheNameOfSanders
Hope the weekend gives you both a breather.

I think you are right, it is complicated, though it is probably a positive that the others at the school are settling to the new normal too. I am sure you will think up the right thing to do to help her cope with it all again, and I hope you both get a relaxing weekend.

Up until Feb this year she had near perfect attendance since reception. Collapsed in lockdown.

Has she been ok at school up until February or has she been going but hanging by a thread? I guess what I’m wondering is whether lockdown was the last straw or whether it gave too much time and space for other stuff to come up that she now can’t tuck back away. I’m also wondering if she’s finding it difficult to be in school or difficult to leave home (if you know what I mean), because different things will work depending on what it is that she’s struggling with. It would be worth talking to whoever your post adoption support team are - she still falls under their remit despite being older. They at least might have a list of private therapists/psychs/psychiatrists available for self referral. To be honest psychiatry may not be as helpful as a good Ed Psych here and the school can certainly facilitate referral for you.

As a former looked after child she is entitled to additional support from the school - they really should be working with you to help her back in and need to make reasonable adjustments for her. If, for example, arriving slightly later would help her, or if some wind down time would help if she feels overwhelmed, or having a named teacher in school she can go to they should find a way to facilitate that. Covid certainly makes things more challenging but these are very low key accessible things they can do.

I’d also explore home learning for days when it feels impossible. My DD is much younger but I’ve found that her knowing that if it all gets too much she can stay home and work has helped her feel less stressed about going in. Obviously you want her in school but having a safety valve so to speak might ease the pressure and make things feel more possible.

It sounds like a good discussion with the school is needed - I’m not familiar with the English school system but whoever in high school deals with additional support needs/special educational needs would be the right person because they are very used to having to adapt the education environment for kids who struggle. The danger is that they disregard her or keep letting things drift because she’s one of the older kids and will be moving on. I’d be reminding the school of their duty to meet your child’s right to an education and to offer reasonable adjustments to enable her to access school.

In the meantime, try to take the pressure off of all of you - this is very hard in the best of times, and this isn’t the best of times.

Thank you all so much - you 'get it'.

School are being pretty good, but there's not a lot they can do if I can't even get her onto the site.
She won't go where there are lots of people, eg walk through our small town.
She had been struggling with school and we had just agreed some (more) adjustments when lockdown happened. Then other stuff happened with sister after lockdown too.
I have asked for an EPAC which might concentrate minds.
Covid is making things 10x harder, eg school has a staggered timetable so year groups aren't mixing, but that eg means arriving late she bumps into a different year group. etc etc

Could she arrive early and be given access to her classroom ahead of everyone?

No, because she can't cope being in a classroom with other pupils, and being secondary they move classrooms for each lesson.

Honestly, if I could just get her to work at home, I'd give up and just use school for backup advice.

Oh god, school is going to be torture for you both then because she’ll always come up against crowds. Do they have a smaller study base she could use? If she thought the trade off could be work at home and you don’t need to go to school would that motivate her? I’m assuming that’s not worked so far.

I’m sorry if I’m going over old ground, just trying to brainstorm things that might help on the off chance there’s a good idea in there.

Oh god, school is going to be torture for you both then because she’ll always come up against crowds.

Indeed

Do they have a smaller study base she could use?

Sort of, yes. But then she still doesn't get direct teaching or see her (few) friends.

If she thought the trade off could be work at home and you don’t need to go to school would that motivate her? I’m assuming that’s not worked so far.

It hasn't so far, but we might just possibly be making progress on that.

I’m sorry if I’m going over old ground, just trying to brainstorm things that might help on the off chance there’s a good idea in there.

That's OK. I keep going round in circles too.

I can

• keep trying to get her in to school (stressful and what happens if school shuts again)
• withdraw and home ed (don't want to really)
• educate at home with tutors and backup from school, keeping her on role, getting some resources from school, maybe getting them to mark stuff. (probably this morning's preferred option if DD would cooperate)

I'm happy to throw a basketload of GCSEs out the window. If she took 4 or 5 only that would be plenty.

Option 3 may be the one to aim for - even in the short term. It might also be worth already talking about 4/5 GCSEs and see if that relieves the pressure - fewer classes to attend, fewer people to be around and maybe subjects she really enjoys?

The problem with the first option is (as you know) you could do all that fighting only for her to end up home again. I’d definitely try to keep her on the school roll because that means they retain responsibility for her and that in turn may give you access to supports you wouldn’t otherwise have.

The other option might be a further education college which often has smaller class sizes, students are more independent and they often have good student supports. Students also tend to be more mature so there’s less of the social nonsense that can happen in school, they also tend to be more flexible and can be an excellent alternative provision for kids who struggle with mainstream school.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders you said you weren't sure what kind of help you need - I think either an "educational psychologist" or a "clinical psychologist" (both protected titles, both requiring doctorate level training to qualify) would be able to help your dd with strategies and advice in a holistic way. You could research local practises and talk to their practice managers, or talk to bps.org.uk about how to find someone suitable.

I think based on what you have said I would say aim to get her back to school and doing the same GCSEs as originally determined - ie helping her cope. I think that the best way to do that is by helping her talk about everything, all her thoughts and feelings and worries, exploring everything, maybe getting her to write things down, and you helping her with coping strategies for each specific concern and empathy and support.

I am not sure homeschooling is an option if you struggled to get her to work/teach her during lockdown. A 1:1 tutor might be an answer to helpwith academic things but this might exacerbate any feeling of being "different" and not help with social aspects

Crowds - has she or can she explain if this is to do with feeling self conscious, being adopted, being bullied, wearing masks, being different, feeling stupid, others wearing masks, virus fears... and so on... it could be to do with any number of things for her and each specific concern might have different strategies or remedies that would help her overcome

Plan for weekends, making sure she is doing things she likes/which are good for her, like sport if she does sport, spending quality time with you if that makes her happy, etc

If you spoke to a clinical psychologist i think that you could also get help with tips and strategies to help you help bothof your dds build autonomy and confidence going forward.

She's never liked crowds or loud noises (eg shopping centres & fireworks). Not as bad as children with autism but definitely manages less well than most NT kids. School lesson changeovers have always been hard. With Covid she has added fear.

It's a lot of stuff come together as a perfect storm. Too much to go into here.

The doctor said psychiatrist rather than psychologist?

But I am going to contact the ed psych team again and also virtual schools to see if they can help.

The doctor would point you to a psychiatrist for diagnosis and medication - that’s what psychiatrists do, psychologists may also look at formulation (effectively diagnosis) but will work with treatment protocols that are more functional than medical. Ed psych are ideally placed to look ways to support your DD in engaging in education and will look at treatment protocols to support that.

They do different things, both may be worthwhile.

A psychiatrist would be able to prescribe medication as pp says. There is sometimes some overlap with therapy I think, and also teamwork with clin psychs and ed pyschs (is my understanding) - your ed psych team can hopefully advise better.

Re your dd, I understand completely what you mean - my dc who has substantially recovered from trauma is still knocked off their stride more easily than other kids in some situations

Just going back to an earlier post - ime alternatives such as college or adult ed might in fact bring its own problems as some of the students might in fact be older but have problems in any event which may be difficult for a 15/16 year old to deal with - just something to be aware of

anyway - fingers crossed that you get some useful help from the ed psychs and virtual schools

@UnderTheNameOfSanders Were you able to make any progress today?

Our zoom adoption group were having a discussion a few weeks ago about lockdown/covid re-traumatising our children.

Good progress today.
Not in school but

• have asked for appointment with private psychiatrist
• have appt with virtual schools
• school referring to Early Help hub (or something)

At least people are starting to listen.

Completely agree about some children being re-traumatised.
Hopefully virtual school can point you in the right direction @UnderTheNameOfSanders, and hope the progress continues for you.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders Thats good, fingers crossed waits aren’t too long.

Well its only been a week but my son has his first back to school illness, temperature, cough and an upset tummy so we’re off school already.

Today 3hrs on the phone:

• virtual schools, very helpful,-> they will contact school
• post adoption support, very good at listening, asked for a 'assessment of adoption support needs'
• ed psych helpline, helpful but said school needs to contact them and spend their budget

Exhausted does not cover it!

@SimonJT yep, we're off with a cold already too!
Glad people listened today @UnderTheNameOfSanders