Never been matched?

[runningon]

I was just wondering if anyone on here (or knows of anyone) who has been through the adoption vetting process, passed, and never been matched with a suitable child?

The reason I'm asking is because I'm hoping to go through the adoption process as a single person and I've heard it's (quite rightly) a difficult and vigorous process.

I'm wondering if it's worth putting myself through it as although I'm not after a baby - I don't mind the age as long as I feel we are a good match - I wonder if there will be more adopters than suitable children (eg I would need a child who was able to go to school as I would need to work, and I don't have local family support for childcare) and I would never be chosen as a parent?

I have read there aren't enough adopters and that the are not enough children for potential adoptees in the press this week...I wonder what the reality is?

Hi

the reality is that the situation with regard to adopters and children needing families changes and varies from region to region at any one time.
Some people do wait a long time, and occasionally people give up, but the vast majority do get matched.
In general the narrower your criteria, the longer you can expect to wait. So if you say I would like a 2.5,year old girl with brown hair and green eyes - expect to wait. The more open you are, the more potential matches.

Being single is not a barrier, there are lots of us about!

If you are looking for a school age child you are likely to be very popular as most people want babies or pre schoolers.

I adopted an older child, one of the reasons was the childcare thing as my family are not local. Lack of local family support is not in itself a problem, but you will need to have a good support network.

The other thing your really need to look hard at is finances - can you afford adoption leave, can you afford to work part time if you need to?

Yes its a tough process, but you get there in the end

Very good points from Ted, especially about the variability by region.

I was just wondering if anyone on here (or knows of anyone) who has been through the adoption vetting process, passed, and never been matched with a suitable child?

I've heard of people taking a very long time on here. Never encountered it IRL and I know a lot of adopters. I think if in Enlandandwales it takes you more than a year to get matched then a very unusual situation has occured (being in the other UK regions can make a big difference). It can be incredibly dishartening to wait such a long time.

How good your agency is and how proactive you are can make a big difference.

I have read there aren't enough adopters and that the are not enough children for potential adoptees in the press this week...I wonder what the reality is?

There are, sadly, more children than will ever be adopted. There is always competition for the 'in demand' groups (white, healthy babies) and a sinlge parent is less likely to be matched with one, although by no means impossible.

The factors which affect your desirability are your: age, health, support network, wealth (i.e. if you are comfortable) and experience of childcare. There is also a marketing factor about how well you frame your life experiences and show you can deal with whatever comes.

You will note my slightly cynical use of language to describe the matching process. In fact I think SWs are determined to find children the best parents possible, however, it is inevitable that this will be a highly variable process and undertanding it will potentially help to shorten your matching time.

I'm a professional rather than an adopter. I have met the occasional approved adopter who is never matched but as alluded to above it was mainly because their criteria was narrow. In all cases they could have been matched if they'd been willing to consider older children or siblings or a child with a more uncertain background.

One case for example, the couple wanted a young baby, ethnic match, okay you'd wait a while for that but probably eventually a match would come up. But they also wanted assurance that mother had not used drugs or alcohol during pregnancy, nor a mother with a learning disability (in case the child inherited this). This is where you enter the realms of what I would say is unrealistic as obviously most babies are in the adoption system for a reason, relinquished babies from perfectly healthy mothers are extremely rare.

A good assessor will talk you through all this and probably won't proceed with the full assessment if they feel your criteria make a match ultimately unlikely, but sometimes people do slip through the net. Conversely I once knew an adopter who was open to adopting a severely disabled child (having worked with disabled children), she could have been matched 100x over.

That's not to say you shouldn't be clear in your own mind about what you could or couldn't take on. If you couldn't consider a child with a disability or an older child you must be honest with yourself, obviously it's disastrous if you take on a child you can't cope with. But the fact is the more children you are open to adopting the better the chance of a match.

Reading that back I've made it sound like I'm a social, I'm not! Just met a lot of adopters through an admin role I used to do.

*social worker

Thanks for the responses.

I'm actually mixed race and due to my age (don't want my adoptee to feel that's additional difference between them and class mates & lack of family near by don't want to put my hat into the ring for a baby).
My area is fairly white, but within my council area there are lots of multi-cultural areas.
I'm not fussed on race, ideally my adoptee would look similar race to me, as I don't want to spend my life fielding questions from strangers, but all my siblings have children who could 'pass' for being white.

I am fairly well-off, as in I don't have to worry about my bills - I have a mortgage - but would need to work, even part time, but I WFH (own business) which could help as I could work in the evening.

I hope I'm not too unrealistic about the type of children that end up in care and available for adoption.
I am concerned I would end up being a carer rather than a parent, and would hope to adopt a child who could go to school etc and I wouldn't have to battle for SN support, but I realise this is unlikely!

I need to get more childcare experience, I don't have much outside of the child in my family....I guess that isn't going to be very easy for a long time?

Children in my family

@runningon

I'm white, my son is mixed race but is definitely seen as black. To be honest, I've had very little issue from others about our ethnicities, (apart from a few people asking if I went to Africa to get him !)
unless you are actually 92 I wouldnt worry too much about your age, lots of women have babies in their 40s, you would not be the only older mum.
I would recommend that you shop around for an agency, you don't have to go with your local authority.
Don't assume that you will be able to work from home easily and in the evenings. The school day is actually quite short, I found when my son got home, he took all my time in the evening and when he did finally go to sleep, (often a long time after he went to bed!) you have the next day to get ready for. I really had nothing left over to give to work for a long time.

May I ask what age you are? As Ted suggests anything under 50 is unlikely to limit you much.

I really would try to get as much childcare experience as possible,

would hope to adopt a child who could go to school etc and I wouldn't have to battle for SN support, but I realise this is unlikely!

May I ask why you say that? Are you thinking you will only be offered children with significant needs or are you under the impression that most adopted children have SEN?

apart from a few people asking if I went to Africa to get him

Bloody hell. Of all the stupid things people say that have been shared on here over the years I think that might be be the worst.

@donquixotedelamancha

and sadly its true. Its an extension of the where do you really come from question isnt it. It doesnt help to have all these high profile white Hollywood types who do pop off to Africa and bring back assorted black babies.
They do look a bit surprised when I say he comes from Buckinghamshire !

@Ted27 people can be so rude!!!

We were told during our training that there are 3 x as many children in need of adopters as there are potential adopters. They said it was in the adopters' favour at the time.

However, as you get onto matching, you realise that (in our circumstances) most of the children were discounted through age or because they were in a sibling set. We actually had very few 'options' (for want of a better word!) We were shown 3 profiles of babies with quite complex medical needs (tube feeding, likely to need wheelchair access, needing physio 3 x a week plus other consultant appts, etc.) We had to say no to them all. The 4th profile we were shown was more 'no obvious delays at present but lots of unknowns'. It felt right and she's playing in the lounge now

We are white and they showed us white and mixed race babies.

Not an adopter but just wanted to comment on age.

My eldest is 10 now and of her friends’ mums the age range is 29 to 56. The dads are an even bigger range with one (technically step but does a lot of the school runs) dad in his mid twenties to a couple who have retired over the last couple of years.

I am concerned I would end up being a carer rather than a parent, and would hope to adopt a child who could go to school etc and I wouldn't have to battle for SN support, but I realise this is unlikely!

Many many children who are adopted go on to live happy, independent lives. Even kids who are impacted by in utero drug and alcohol use, significant neglect and trauma can go on to do very well with the right kind of support. Many children with additional support needs grown to live happy independent lives. I understand you thinking you don’t want a child with significant difficulties but, like everything, there’s a huge spectrum.

My DD has been significantly impacted by early and continued trauma. She has developmental delays and learning difficulties but she’s also fiercely independent, holding her own in mainstream school and a very talented dancer. She does need me to fight for resources for her but that’s a tiny part of our lives together.

It’s right to think of your limits - I knew I couldn’t cope with significant physical disability - but try not to predict every child will have difficulties because many do just fine.

and sadly its true.

I'm not surprised. We had a possible match with children of a different skin colour to us, so asked some nosey questions of our mixed-ethnicity couple friends. While at pains to say that most people are lovely the stories they told about the exceptions gave me the rage.

Its an extension of the where do you really come from question isnt it. It doesnt help to have all these high profile white Hollywood types who do pop off to Africa and bring back assorted black babies

Yeah, with a bit of the othering that adoptees get chucked in for good measure. I suppose (being generous) that some cases will just be ignorance based on the stereotype you mention about rich folk adopting kids from Africa.

Are you a hollywood superstar Ted?

@donquixotedelamancha

ah you got me

Madonna xxx

Very helpful points. I’m not sure if you had any expectations about timescales? We have just been approved as adopters and it took 10 months to get to panel from our initial interest, due to various delays (availability of assessing social worker, COVID-19). We are about to start the matching process. We were sent some profiles of children prior to panel, and I’ve heard similar experiences from others currently at the same stage, and from those who are further on in matching. Agree with other posters, potential matches do depend on many factors including area, agency, how open you are in terms of what you can consider. Its important you are realistic to what’s right for you and the child, and you will have time to consider this with your social worker. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses as a couple or single adopter, and so different potential matches.
You mention that you don’t have local family support, we are the same and this has not been seen as a problem, however, you will need to have (or develop whilst being assessed) a support network, so that you can reassure your social worker you have people (not all have to be local but some do) who can support you emotionally and practically.
I remember when we went to one information event at the start of this process, an adopter said your relationship with your social worker is key as they will be marketing you when matching, donquixotedelamancha is spot on. Speak to a couple of agencies and get a feel for which one is going to work for you.

Just to chip in... Its also worth thinking about how you might cope if the factors you said you wouldn't accept do turn out to become relevant in your children's lives.

When we were beigg assessed, we said the two factors we wanted to rule out in profiles were known sexual abuse and known autism. I had friends with autistic children and I felt I wouldn't be able to handle the isolation I had seen these families experience (ie. Not being able to attend certain events, needing to leave early because of meltdowns etc.) we adopted two children, one of whom has been assessed as...you guessed it...having autism/adhd and another who is on the way to the same diagnosis. I cannot, and would never want to, imagine my life without them, but family life is harder than I ever thought possible and we exist in a totally different 'sphere' than our peers with typically developing children.

So it's worth thinking about whether you feel you could cope with the things you feel you can't handle (and rightly so, we were right to rule this out and be honest about our limitations) if they turned out to be something you actually had to live with.

just to follow on from dustyphoenix

Its also worth remembering that many conditions are on a spectrum. This is one of the advantages of older children, you have more idea about how things present.
My son has ASD, he has his challenges but he attended mainstream school, no behaviour issues, popular, lots of friends, we have had great holidays, in many ways a fairly typical teenager. So while life is not always as straightforward as my friends with NT children, its more than managable.

Age wise, I'm mid-forties, in good health/fit and do look young for my age (due to not having children probably!)
I am mostly concerned about having an autistic child, I realise it's a spectrum, but I do worry about becoming isolated - especially because I don't have a partner or family just down the road for practical help.

I grew up in a very white area, but fairly MC (like the area I live in now) I've not really had racist abuse/comments since I left primary school, but I've always been fairly popular and I've got a gob on me if required so I've never felt too disadvantaged. I'm also a physically confident person due to growing up with older brothers & having active outdoor hobbies as a child, so again if someone wants to square up to me I can handle it (it doesn't come to that!)

However having lived/worked/been educated in very MC white areas all of my life, I do somehow visibly relax when I'm in London, I feel at home there amongst all the different faces - so I don't minimise the importance of race/identity.

It might sound strange but I would prefer a non-white child, I feel that would be one area we might have in common from the off, baring in mind that might be the only thing we might end up having in common.

I know a few families with adopted children, so I have seen a range of the issues that I might face. The appeal of an older child is that they might present some of these issues before matching - forewarned is forearmed.

Agency-wise, I've had one interview at my home (after attending an open evening) with my local authority. To be honest, they seemed pretty keen on me, I was honest in my interview and high-lighted the areas I thought I might be weak in - but they seemed fine with those. The SW told me that 3/4 year old children were probably be who I would most likely be matched too (she agreed with me that a baby probably wouldn't be the best match for me).
But then C-vid hit, and that has stopped me attending other agencies information events - plus I need to save up for my adoption leave year & get more childcare experience aged group 3/4 (as suggested by SW) so I'm not in a hurry.

I thought the local authority was good (not that I would know it if they weren't at this stage) and they are OFSTED outstanding - which must be good too. Should I still be shopping around? It was a bit of a slick sales pitch at the open evening - but I thought the SW was professional and thorough during my/her interview at my house.

@runningon

ah well mid40s - spring chicken then!

Its not strange to want a child who reflects your ethnicity, as a white adopter of a mixed race child, its the people (usually white) who say they don't care about ethnicity that bother me as they arent thinking it through.
If you are looking for an older and black or mixed race child you will be very attractive to SWs as BAME children take longer to find families.

If you feel happy with your LA then thats ok, its just that many people don't realise they can shop around.

I think the fear of isolation, particularly for single adopters, is very valid.
But I think, whatever condition you are talking about, its really important to look beyond the diagnosis at the child.

I had a very stereotypical view of autism, I couldnt have been more wrong. I have always been able to work, albeit part time, we have never had school issues. I've been able to leave my son without a sitter since he was 14, he travels independently, he is a pretty average teen.
I actually have loads more friends since adopting, some adopters, some fellow ASD parents. I've not been isolated at all and there is a lot of support out there for ASD.

Thanks Ted.
I agree - race is a complicated issue and nice (white) people who don't think race is in 2020 in Britain are the ones who worry me the most!

Don't think race is an issue

Good evening, I'm a social worker of ten years matching/placing children in their adoptive homes, please feel free to ask anymore questions you may have!

Hi @gk35 if you don't mind me asking....how honest are social workers went trying to match you with a more difficult to place child? Eg would they minimise the additional special needs a child is likely to have (I know you can't speak for all social workers, but I wonder what you have witnessed in your 10 years?