Changing baby's name

[RoomForMore]

Hi all, just hoping for some external views on this. We're heading to matching panel next month to (hopefully) be matched with a baby. She is a few months old.

I'm not massively keen on her name... It's nice enough but not what we would have chosen if she'd been a BC. Her middle name is quite identifying and definitely doesnt match our BC names so probably wouldn't swap them round. SW is adamant we can't change her name. Is this true?

Did you change your AC name? How did you go about it if you felt SW wouldn't agree? And if you were an adopted child, were you given a new name and how did you feel about this when you were older?

I'm aware that it's the only link she has to her mum, so I don't want to upset anyone.

All points of view are welcome!

I am an advocator of keeping names. We did not change my sons name or middle name, we were basically told by SW that this would be frowned upon by judge. We now know it wouldn’t have been. I now regret not dropping his middle name. It is connected to his birth father who he had very little contact with even when he was at home as a baby and now has dropped completely out of the picture and features minimally in his lifestory. We also kept his sisters middle name which is a very common middle name in our family, she shares it with my niece and my mum, which is lovely. She loves to say I am xx and X is Xx and granny is Xx - we are all the same. My son can not make that connection and sooner or later he is going to question it. I wish we had changed the middle name to something connected to our family or at very least added another one. So maybe consider middle name so there is a forever family connection.

Mynamenotaccepted

"As usual I agree with Italian the only thing the birth parent(s) is their name which I think is important"

I said it wasn't true. Are you agreeing with me?

I think as birth patents give eye, skin and hair colour, potential medical conditions, natiral abilities etc through genes, all in vitro experience and many early life experiences then this idea is a lie that they only give a name.

I think it is used to pressure adopters.

IMHO names should be kept or changed on what is best for the child.

Pinklady we kept first and middle name and added a family name. It felt right and still does but I do sorry about social media.

I know seceral adopters and do not know any who name changed.

However, if one does feel a name change will benefit your child I can see no sense in discussing it with social workers. Not telling people is not the same as lying.

iban "You really must liaise with SWs and panel and all other relevant people - the advice that you shouldn't is really poor advice."

I am afraid this is the very poor advice. Social workers generally have a set idea about name changing and are against it. iban if you are going to give this advice you should, I think, say where you are coming from.

Are you an adoptive parent who chose to name change and was supported in that? Or an adoptive parents who decided not to name change? Or not an adopter?

Adoptive parents should always do what is best for their children. Often this will mean keeping the name/s.

However, I am afraid a discussion on name changing may only go one way with social workers and anecdotally I have heard of matches being dropped because of it ( on here).

If you are really interested there are loads of threads on here about it.

worry about social media

@italiangreyhound we are going to have to agree to disagree, then. That's fine.

I swapped my child's first and middle names around so she has the option of going by original first name (now middle name) if she chooses to when older. I'm so glad I did as it's given me huge peace of mind as I never have to look over my shoulder, I struggle with letterbox more though as it feels like a lie but that's for me to deal with and a very small price to pay for her safety. I also have far less worries about social media as her original name was quite distinctive.

I think that the 14 year old mentioned in a post is a slightly different issue because it was to do with their feelings about their BM. I think in that situation the priority would be to explore with them their feelings, their feelings about their past and whether their negative feelings would go away or be resolved by a change of name.

@RoomForMore. As Jaguarana says, there are several detailed threads on here, worth searching. I'll try to summarise some of the discussion form those threads because you've had some conflicting advice. Apologies for repeating some points.

(For context: I'm adopted and have had a slight NC. I have adopted and have NC: one first name, unsupported by SW; one middle name, supported by SW; both little. I know several ASWs and many adopters).

• The general advice from SWs is that NC should only occur where there is substantial risk from birth family. This varies by LA, from militantly opposed to any change to very reasonable. In general be very honest with SW, but not where you are approaching panel and they have been so inflexible- this may well scupper the match.

• The downside to changing names is issues of identity. Assuming you are open when discussing life story work it should not be a big issue. Changing a first name for a child who already recognises their name is a much bigger issue.

• One big advantage is making it hard for BF to search for the child. If you do NC, do not tell BF- continue to use the old one in contact and make sure the LA know to keep this quiet.

• Another advantage to new parents is one of claiming the child. Often I think this is not as big an issue as we feel at the time- you get used to a name more than you expect.

• A middle name change really isn't a big deal. IME a majority who adopt babies do this. It's a good compromise of the issues above.

we were basically told by SW that this would be frowned upon by judge. This would not be the case for OP, only where changing a name would be detrimental.

SW is adamant we can't change her name. This is not true.

When you fill in the application you are asked what names you wish to choose. I would not spring it on the SW, instead I would think about it and, if you have discussed it with them and the end result is that you are really going against their wishes, then I would tell them when you put the application in. I would say nothing for now, until after panel and ADM notification.

IMHO names should be kept or changed on what is best for the child.

I'm going to repeat this, because it should be the only consideration.

You are the child's parent(s). You decide what their best interests are.

My adoptive parents changed my name from a 'mainstream type' to a much more unusual one (still an actual name) which I hated as a child. My older adopted sibling was given a middle name as first name and so no idea why my name was totally changed, pre internet etc. I find it very sad and will have both my names on my gravestone.

iban of course that is fine. I just wondered what your experiences were but that is fine.

I wonder if I can ask, feel free not to say. But people who are adopted and where names were changed, do you think that the relationship with adopted parents played into how you feel about name changing?

As far as the claiming goes I must say for me not changing our son's name had no real factor in claiming him. There were lots of little steps along the way where he felt more and more like our son. It wasn't an instant thing or a one off thing.

I do understand why people say this but I also think I personally have a less than 'fixed' view on names. I've had loads of nicknames and stuff, changed my family name when I married and had family members who changed their names not related to marriage. So I do understand that for some people names will have considerably more significance.

And I know this an emotive topic so I really do not wish to offend anyone with my views.

Just to say, our SW said to us "you can't change her name. You can switch her middle and first name, but you can't take anything away. You can always add another middle name if you want to."

Adding a second middle name of your choosing and using that as the child's preferred/most used name sounds a good compromise to me. You have the best of both worlds then.

Well that's just not the case. You can change it in the AO if you want. I guess what your SW means is that they would be against you making changes other than those they've mentioned. It's not your SW, or ultimately you, that will live with it, it's your child.

We kept DD1s name and changed DD2s for safety reasons. I'm not sure if DD1's was the right decision, but I'm certain we were right on DD2. It wasn't an easy decision though.

Sorry through we cross posted.

"You really must liaise with SWs and panel and all other relevant people - the advice that you shouldn't is really poor advice."

There has to come a point when you parent your child, I’m not sure what liaising with social workers, panel members etc brings to the party when it comes to decisions about how you accept, care for and parent your child. They don’t have magic knowledge but do have a number of views based on textbook situations, and I say that as a social worker.

I changed the spelling of my child’s name to a more conventional one because I didn’t want him to spend his whole life spelling his name. I didn’t seek advice it ask permission, I made the decision in his best interests as his parent.

Just to say, our SW said to us "you can't change her name. You can switch her middle and first name, but you can't take anything away. You can always add another middle name if you want to.

This is simply not true, you can completely change her name if you want to, you’ll then need to live with the consequences, support her to understand the reasons for the change etc but there is nothing to stop you deciding to change her name.

Sorry Italian did not read your post thoroughly (I am getting on a bit) and ofcourse children get more than the name from birth parents but I feel the name is important but not the be all and end all.

There has to come a point when you parent your child, I’m not sure what liaising with social workers, panel members etc brings to the party when it comes to decisions about how you accept, care for and parent your child. They don’t have magic knowledge but do have a number of views based on textbook situations, and I say that as a social worker.
It isn't so much you take what professionals say as gospel or regard it with awe, it is more that if you cannot discuss things with professionals without holding back information, misleading, being dishonest, then I don't think you have the emotional maturity to parent an adopted child. I have disagreed with doctors and with teachers about my dc before but I have managed to discuss and agree things without holding back info, misleading them or being dishonest. Misleading etc shouldn't be confused with "parenting" or "claiming the child".

By "you have" I meant it as "one has" rather than you personally - I am not casting aspersions on your maturity!

Mynamenotaccepted

"Sorry Italian did not read your post thoroughly (I am getting on a bit) and ofcourse children get more than the name from birth parents but I feel the name is important but not the be all and end all."

Yes, I know what you mean. My son could say and spell his name, so that was a bit different to some adopters.

iban the thing about adoption is there is a very tricky early time before the adoption order is final when you are parenting a child who is not legally yours. Before the child actually moves in you are expected to make decisions, effectively promises about parenting that child forever, before they even move in with you.

I honestly feel that is how it should be and was for us.

So it is complex. I don't think we always need to tell the officials/professionals everything. Not when we know they have an agenda which is not centered around the child we will adopt.

Not when we know they have an agenda which is not centered around the child we will adopt.

This x 100. I don’t think it’s about lack of maturity so much as picking your battles - there were very many things I had to have very difficult conversations with professionals about and I knew I wouldn’t be changing my mind about the name spelling so didn’t see the point in adding it to the list. No deceit, no misleading, I simply didn’t put it on the table for discussion. I had an excellent relationship with both social workers involved in the process, have negotiated hugely challenging issues and came up against blind adherence to theory or the “way it’s done” enough to know where to focus my time and attention - while also parenting two terrified children.

Maturity is knowing what’s yours and what’s not, decisions about my child’s name was mine.

if you cannot discuss things with professionals without holding back information, misleading, being dishonest, then I don't think you have the emotional maturity to parent an adopted child. I have disagreed with doctors and with teachers about my dc before but I have managed to discuss and agree things without holding back info, misleading them or being dishonest.

I think your characterisation of dishonestly and lacking emotional maturity is unhelpful and suggests a lack of experience with adoption. Doctors and teachers are not the same. The piece missing from your comparison with other professional relationships is the enormous power imbalance prior to a match occuring.

Total openness is, of course, to be desired- I was lucky enough to have that with our SW. Not all SWs are equal. OP's SW has given incorrect information and has made fairly silly statements about being able to swap names around, but not change them, which show quite poor understanding of the nuanced issues about name changes.

In such a circumstance, I think it is far better to listen carefully to the SW's opinion, then shut up and have a think- rather than get into an oppositional situation which could prevent a match (This was what I was asked to do when we changed, by our SW- rather than be too direct with DD's SW).

Ultimately the law is clear that this will be OP's decision.

(Usual caveat: it is always better to change as little as possible and if a name is a huge issue then probably a match is not for you. I am not suggesting name changes should be taken lightly.)

@donquixotedelamancha
Excellent post.

My friends adopted primary school aged kids, they were asked by their social worker, they chose to take their adoptive parents surname then both added a new name on their baptism (which you can legally do anyway) which they chose, their baptism names are very traditional unlike their birth names so once they are grown they have the option of a sensible work name if desired but both use their original first name for now. I think it was a good compromise