What have I done

[Abijah46]

Hi all
So I am nearly ten weeks into placement and I have struggled right from the start - through intros and getting a routine in place. Initially I was very practical in my approach as our LO - now 9 month old boy had a rather odd set up with a very emotional foster carer who had barely even started weaning and had kept him very baby like. I coped fairly well but had some emotional outbursts with all the demands. So now we have a good routine and LO sleeps but I have a deep anxious feeling of 'what have I done' !!!? My OH is shocked but supportive as I have longed to be a mum for many years and I have to say I shocked too. I feel burdened and that my life is over. I'm 47 as well so an older mum and I'm feeling like I will never accept the decision we have made !!! I have read on here others experiences and it will get better but my anxiety is mainly about ..... Will it .... will I bond? Will I love? Will I enjoy it ??? I'm wondering if I should call SW and say please take him as it's not fair on him !!!! Assurances would be greatly received 😐

Thanks for your responses 💕 I think we are doing something right and LO is happy most of the time - just normal baby whining. I guess I'm usually very ordered and my life is now different and I need to come to terms with that. I don't know why I'm so anxious so like one of you said .... I can't fix it. I'm hopeful it will get better. It's difficult to get time away as my DH works a lot and is self employed and feel I will over burden him and that causes me stress as well. I wonder if any of you have used nurseries early on. LO is clearly attached to us now and I'm thinking I may use a nursery to have some me time. We have parents but unfortunately as we are older they are not really able to help. I have 2 activity days set each week with friends - both of which involve swimming and play dates. I don't want to put LO under undue stress but my anxiety stops me enjoying him. I was thinking at the 3 month stage it would be acceptable. Thanks in advance xx

I guess I wonder why you wouldn’t be anxious tbh. Every single part of your life has changed, you’re responsible for the care and wellbeing of a little person you hardly have a relationship with, your identity has completely shifted, you’re learning to be a parent from a standing start, you don’t have the hormonal changes that help with bonding and attachment and he’s still not yet quite yours. Anxiety feels like a totally appropriate reaction to such a shift in your life.

I know the issue is anxiety but you might find a low dose anti depressant gives you enough headspace to put routines etc in place that will help you find your feet. I saw a counsellor for the first year or so after placement, which gave me space to talk, cry and rant without feeling ungrateful or disloyal.

Hang on in there - you’re doing great!

I used my free 15 hours a week pretty early on. 3 hrs every weekday morning. Tbh it saved my sanity (I’m not the sahp type - I’m not bashing it, it’s just not for me). It gave me chance to get into a proper routine which helped me loads, and give me chance to do chores and the odd bit of ‘me’ time.

My two were older and I did put them into school and nursery bit more quickly than I initially thought I would, but they were already used to the routine and structure of school and nursery and struggled without it. My only concern about nursery for your little one is that he’s very small indeed still and has moved from one career to another at an age where he’ll still be forming primary attachments. I do also hear your concern about your anxiety levels.

I guess at that stage it was much less about enjoying my new kids so much as trying to adjust to our new life together - it’s hard because I remember countless people telling me to enjoy my new family, making memories etc but the reality was we were all too bloody terrified to enjoy any part of it for some time. It was about a year in, on holiday, when I looked around and though “god I’m really enjoying this now”.

In terms of getting a break, do you have any family who could step in even just to give you an hour or two to decompress a bit. That way he would be building relationships with someone who is part of his family circle and going to be involved in his life.

In terms of your husband, you both adopted your little one, I know you worry about overloading him but you sound pretty overloaded yourself. I remember thinking at one point that every part of my life had changed but DH just kept doing what he’s always done. It’s taken quite a bit of negotiation to get to where we both carry the load together - his life (and your relationship) has changed too and he needs to build a relationship with his child, which means having sole care of him while you do other stuff. Being a new parent is overwhelming, you can’t really shelter him from that - certainly without causing yourself even more stress.

Have you been able to talk to your husband about what you need from him and what he’s able to give in terms of support?

LO is clearly attached to us now
I missed this bit, attachment takes a long time to build, especially when early attachments have already been disrupted. I have no doubt he’s bonding with you and finding his place in your family but attachment - characterised by an internal sense of secure base and internal working model of relationship comes very slowly, through consistency and routine. You’ll look back some time years from now and see that bonding and being in relationship with you are very different from being him securely attached. It’s clear you need some space, ideally he’d be with his dad (who can also foster a secure attachment), or someone who is going to in his life long term. I’d fear that nursery might be overwhelming for him and set you back.

In saying that, you really need to do what works for you all and if it’s a choice between a few hours at nursery or disruption of the placement, nursery would be the preferred option.

Thank you @jellycatspyjamas my OH is fully involved and does the bath bed routine every night. The SW has evidenced a secure attachment and LO is showing separation anxiety from both of us. But yes I agree that is growing and continues to grow. Having said that my husband is going to give me the next 2 days off to decompress. I have had flu so this has not been helpful to the whole affair so hopefully I will be managing better after the two days. I probably won't do the nursery but until I feel content with it and the fact I put it up for debate obviously means I'm not. I'm all over the place really !!!! Maybe time to reflect after 2 days off. Thanks for your support xxxxx

I guess in terms of attachment- a child starts to form this at about 8 months so timings were good with our LO - he had also had one VERY attentive FC and never lived with his parents. So although I can see myself that the attachment is growing it is seen to be secure as LO shows distress if one of us leaves the room but is able to settle as trusts we will come back. He was not sleeping prior to coming home but with lots of support from the HV - he now is settling to sleep by putting him to bed at the same time every day. His naps are the same and he goes down really easy now. So it looks good in terms of attachment. At least that is what I had been led to believe. I hope this is not another thing I need to worry about xxxx

@Abijah46 I agree with what jellycats said about the difference between bonding and attachment. Unfortunately many SWs don't understand the difference.

But from everything you have written, I really don't think you need to worry about it.

Thanks to you both !!! At least we are going in the right direction xxx

From what you’ve said, you sound like you’re going in the right direction - but that often comes at a cost to whoever the primary carer is, in your case it’s you. Self care is massively important so that you’re able to cope through these early weeks and months - it’s such a tough adjustment. I’m glad you’re getting some time to decompress. I actually book myself into a B&B for a night every so often to get rest and switch off.

I am in a similar place to you Abijah46. I’m 4 months in with a nearly 12 month old now - and I notice I become exceptionally bored/sad (not depressed really as it will go within a couple of days) on days where I don’t talk to any other adults. Even if it’s just a telephone call to my mum...! Yesterday we did softplay which I really think is a special type of hell, but LO loves it... but I didn’t talk to anyone and I just found the whole day really difficult.

I’m also doing a little bit of tutoring in the evenings to get a little bit of extra cash which has meant we have become a bit like ships in the night. And during our time together as a couple, a lot of the time my partner has to work (both teachers) which i understand as thats the life of a teacher but it’s difficult!

I did a KIT day last week and I really enjoyed it. I felt guilty afterwards - adoption leave is a once in a life time opportunity and here I am wanting to go back to work. I think it’s normal, as when I socialise with people I am absolutely fine! It’s just difficult trying to socialise for 5 days a week!

I know my moods don’t take long to be lifted and it’s only ever a cloud for a few days for me, and I know I’ll get that when I go back to work, so I wouldn’t go to the gp or anything, but just wanted to post and say you’re not alone and I think it does improve with time. I know people are saying secure attachment takes years, but clearly we are both making steps in the right direction and so we must be enjoying something. I’m definitely very attached to our little one!

Sorry - don’t think there’s any advice there...!

@Moomooboo
I'm the same with work !!! I'm a nurse and I do miss it ... now like teaching that is stressful so I understand the boredom factor. I'm also ok when I'm away from everything or just catching a chat with someone which is why I know I'm not clinically depressed. I am also a mental health nurse although feel more like a patient at times. Mine is anxiety but don't really know what that's about as only have the physiological symptoms and no real thoughts to go with it. I am bonding with LO but can't say I'm attached. He is making good progress and the SW is delighted with how much so since he has been with us. It must be hard if you and OH are like ships in the night. My OH is here every night thankfully.

I like swimming with our LO and I do think skin in skin is helpful to us both.

I will try some other things once the weather is brighter although going to the park today and a walk along the beach.

I'm actually going out for dinner with my husband tonight and I am so excited !!! Hoping it will somewhat remind me of who I am.

Has you little one been cared for my anyone else other than you and OH yet ??? I'm a little apprehensive to do this coz of attachment!!? Babysitter tonight is his sister so that ok as he knows her but MIL is suggesting an overnight with her as a grandparent to give us some time together with the other children. Wonder if this is wise - we said maybe at 3 month stage which is 4 weeks away !!! Xxx

Our LO has been looked after my MIL for the afternoon I went into work - he was absolutely fine. I think for us the attachment is clear when we're in the room, but when we're not there he doesn't particularly need us so long as he's entertained. If he needs something like food or is tired, he will cry for us, and if one of us is in another room where he knows that we are (if one is cooking) he has to continuosly check to make sure we're still there!!

We also went out for dinner, but after we'd put him to bed, so he didn't actually know we'd gone out if that makes sense! My parents stayed in the house for that, but didn't actually have to do anything!

We stayed over at grandparents slightly too early on I would say and it was pretty horrendous (about a month in). He had a cold and it was just a bad idea when he was under the weather, and he was up every hour and only slept when being held...! Though I think this helped for attachment purposes...! I think if your LO is a good sleeper I would do it - we stayed over at a later date at Christmas and it was wonderful being able to celebrate with everyone. It was hard work (you don't know where anything is and people don't understand the routine, and some people are too loud and exciting close to bed time...!) but we all slept really well. If there's other children, other people will be up at a similar time to you (depending on how early you get up, we are up at 5:30-6...) so they will understand when you say you're going to bed at 9!

I think it's natural to feel apprehensive but at the same time I definitely think my KIT day made me a better parent and to be honest I really doubt he remembers that he was ever looked after by MIL.. not in a mean way, but he won't be dwelling on it like I was...! It's like what others have said, attachment is a marathon not a sprint. We did wait till nearly 4 months for him to be looked after by someone else, and think it's important to remember as attached as he might seem it really has been such a short period, even at 4 months! But unfortunately, at 4 months adoption leave pay decreases even more.... so we need the money!

Swimming is brilliant -we've just started being able to float ourselves with arm bands. Obviously our LO is incredibly talented and exceptional at everything he does. In fact I'm sure no other baby has ever been so talented.

OP I have PM'd you. This thread is really reassuring that you are completely NORMAL! And also, because you care enough to be asking the questions, a wonderful mummy.

@Moomooboo
Thank you for your response !!! Our LO is a good sleeper now so I would have little concern about my MIL taking him for the night although I am a little concerned by the bonding/attachment discussion earlier in the thread. As you we have all the signs of a secure attachment but the discussion has made me question this so it leaves me unsure. I guess my gut will tell me nearer the 3 month point. LO sees my MIL frequently so I guess it should be ok. But like you say it's still early days. I think though the discussions have helped me gain some perspective rather than being an emotional mess ....... looking forward to things settling and the sun coming out !!! I live near 3 beaches so I'm delighted LO loves swimming !!! Got to remember it a marathon not a sprint ..... nice to be on the journey with you xxxx

@Moomooboo oh and obviously your LO sounds exceptionally talented !!!! Well done xxxx

@Wittow thank you 😊 have PM you xxxx

So I have been prescribed sertraline for PADS ..... feel defeated but relief at the same time. Hoping I don’t get side effects and it works quicker than 6 weeks xx

Try not to feel defeated, its hard to admit you are stuggling and need help so well done for reaching out here and going to the GP.

Hope it helps

No need to feel defeated. If you were sick you’d take antibiotics your doctor prescribed you - so why is this any different?

Hope it starts to improve things little by little.

Thanks both of you !!! I hope I do .... the support on here is invaluable. I’m already thinking I will move beyond this at some point and start to enjoy LO xxxx

I haven't adopted but my childhood friend who is my sister is an adoptee and so are a number of my friends so I've always been surrounded by adoptions.
Honestly when I had my first I was so tired and also alone as I lived nowhere near shy support system. I remember loving nap to nap and wondering what I had done. I think a lot of parents go through this. However it's fine now. The first year is the hardest and after that you get a hold of the situation much better. You stop seeing yourself as someone who got a baby out of nowhere, even birth parents, and as a parent who is ready to face any challenge with the child.
I went through a really bad depressed time too but I couldn't put myself through medication. I did find a way out and when I realised my purpose in life. Took a while though.
The adoption process is harder and at 47 with a 9 month old, I mean props to you. It is so tiring already. I always thought under 2's were matched with under 40s but I learnt something new and that's one misconception I've thrown out. That said testing is good. Being ill and having a baby to look after is really really hard and accept all the help you cna get.
9 months they go through the attachment process and that takes a real toll on you. It's one of the hardest parts. Once baby starts walking you will feel better. And from there it's bigger steps to feeling like your old self again.

Sertraline was an absolute game changer for me tbh, I did have side effects for a few weeks (hot flushes, night sweats, dry mouth type stuff), but I also immediately felt like someone had created a bit of wiggle room in my head, space for me to stop and respond to situations instead of having an anxiety driven reaction. I understand that feeling of defeat, but if medication helps you get through this phase, so be it.

One thing I would say, is use the additional headspace to work out ways to care for yourself and to slow down a bit - medication helps lift things enough for you to feel differently, the danger being that you keep on running at 100mph (at least i know that’s the case for me). What’s made a longer term difference is learning how to care for myself as a new mum.

I’m glad you’re seeing more positive days ahead

Thanks ladies - your Situstion babba is encouraging to me and gives hope I’ll come out the other end. Thank you fir sharing xxxx

Jelkycat - self care is a must and I have ageeed to commit to it !!! Thanks for your continued encouragement - in terms of sertraline ..... it’s hell so far .... hoping I can sleep a little tonight eek xxxxx ❤️

Hi everyone so I couldn’t take the sertraline as I had terrible uncommon side effects. My GP took me off everything and gave a mild sedative so I can sleep. I am now ok. Loving my LO and bonding well. The love is growing and I have such a different outlook for the future. We have just got to the 3 month point and can honestly concur it does get better. I have relaxed into my role and I’m even enjoying stay at home days. Thanks for your support everyone xxxxx