What is adoption really like? And does it work out in the end?!

[DazedConfused99]

My husband and I have always wanted children, but when we couldn't make that happen the traditional way adoption seems like an obvious choice. We're halfway through the assessment process and we're finding it really tough. We both have a good amount of experience with children, so the level of negative judgement from our social worker/the adoption agency has been a real shock and very upsetting, to the point where it's making us think about giving up! (When my sister read a letter they sent to us, requiring us to take a break between stage 1 and 2 in order to complete various tasks, she described it as a character assassination!)

At the same time I've seen research that found that only a quarter of adopters feel their family life is happy and stable after adoption. We were in no denial about there being challenges from children having experienced abuse/ trauma but I'm beginning to wonder if it's going to be a whole lot 'worse' than we're expected. If I'm honest, I'm not even sure what 'challenging' really means, as all my friends who have birth-children say that parenting is exhausting and challenging! What I'm reading implies that we'd have to give up our jobs and that family life would be a constant battle and soul destroying. I'm really not sure I want that!

I would be so grateful if anyone who's adopted could give me a real insight into what adoption is really like, and what the 'challenges' really are in practice. I'd like to hope for the best, with eyes wide open, but I'm really struggling right now! Thanks!

Just shy of four years in with a 4 1/2 year old and a 10 month old and in every day parenting terms our lives are no different (and sometimes easier) than people we know with birth children. I am aware that could all change but we adore our boys and for now all is good.

The figures I have seen are that 20% of children seem to have no issues at all ( apart from those you might expect in non adopted children, so remember that these can still be very challenging, especially in adolescence ).

60% have minor issues which can be managed.

20% have significant issues that have a big impact on every day family life. The 2% figure for those going back into care is, I think, for adoptive placements that fail pre adoption . More that 2% of adopted children need time out the family home, again commonly in the teenage years.

That seems about right for the families I know, over a 25 years period.

I would estimate that about a fifth of adoptive families at least need to have one parent at home FT for quite a number of years.

But I’d also say that around three quarters of adoptive families feel that their family life is stable and happy, although not without its challenges . So I’m surprised at the figure of 25% quoted to the OP.

Remember that a third or more of adoptive couples will split up, so that might be skewing the figures somewhat? Just a thought.

I'm a single adopter - nearly 12 years in with a child who has moderate (on average - ranging from serious to almost non-existant!) additional needs.

We're not at the end (and in particular the teens years are looming) but my observations of adoption from the inside are:

1 - talking to families of children at least in their teens is a good idea - many problems is my experience surface in the schools years and can be very draining. Pre-school, unless you have a child with significant needs, the degree of their needs may not be that apparent.
2 - my life is normal - it's just our kind of normal. School concerts, football matches, birthday parties.
3 - you need to be a "best-practice" parent way more often that other parents and not being that parent will come back to bite you and you will feel a total failure and like everything is your fault and if only you could be a better parent then your child might have fewer issues. Then you will coe and post this on Mumsnet and very ind people with beat you about the head and body and you will feel better.
4 - the adoption community is amazing, I almost think it was worth adopting to be to call some of these (virtual and real) people my friends.
5 - be very realistic about working - I have never gone back to work full time since adopting and am significantly poorer.
6 - we are a family - we might not be others idea of a "normal" family but it's our normal.
7 - if you have a child with issues you will find support in the SN community if you have no local adopters that you know - they understand the irritation of the worlds (vocal) opinion on how your child ought to be treated.
8 - my mum died earlier this year and I have never been more grateful for my decision to adopt DS - it's why I went into adoption the need to nuture, to feel a sense of my own family.

Don't take the home study issues to heart. It's a job interview - just whole heartedly convince your social workers that you are up to the job.

I was told at the start that adoption is a self selecting process - those who can't cope with the process drop out of their own accord. And yes, you do need to be resilient and if you can't cope with a social worker poking at your sore bits then you need to mulitply that x100 when you are doing battle with school for support or trying to support and angry child.

So yes you do need to question if you are deterred by a temporary blip with a social worker whether you have the reserves to deal with potential problem.

It's very easy for non-adopters to get hot under the collar about the assessment process and they very often trot out the old "any old 16 year old can pop out a child" argument. But every child who is being adopted has dealt with enough and social workers have a huge responsibility to that child to make sure they get it right. Or as close to right as possible.

OP and @OLIVE please would you share where you are getting these figures from? Or if it is confidential, a vague whereabouts? And whether these are current or partly historic? It is just that I thought that with adoptions being private it is generally up to the adopter whether they make the information known, unless all adopters are surveyed nowadays? Thank you

We adopted 3 years ago. Lo is nearly 5. He is amazing. We love him so much....my love for him is more than I could have ever imagined. He is so full of energy and mischief it is exhausting and demanding. Some days it's really hard and I am hard on myself as I want to get it 'right whatever that is. Some days I am totally broken as he is demanding. And the constant grey cloud off the sh1tist birth family story is always there. It's so complex it will require professional intervention which breaks my heart.
Would I do it again? Yep!! It's worth every sleepless night....of which there are many. He has made me complete.

The most useful price of information we had from a friend who adopted was not to tell anyone the birth history. If course this is a personal choice and we have never told a soul. In retrospect I'm so glad as I know no-one is gossiping etc and his information is private.

People like to moan to be honest you could find worse on the non adoptive forums

It’s tuff going some days sometimes it’s fab I have birth children and to be honest I have more issues with my teen

I too found the assessments very tough. It was not so much the questions asked or the tasks we were asked to do, it was the degree of carelessness with which we were treated at times. All in the past now. I am learning so much more about adoption now we have actually done it, I would say the assessments were all very relevant.

Our son has only been with us 18 months. He is a super little chap. The hardest part for me is realising you love them and there is this crappy birth history you have to help them with. It makes me unbelievably low when I think about it. But we feel “normal” as a family and just go about doing normal things at the moment. He goes to nursery, swimming, music group etc etc.

Re: whether it turns out all right in the end depends on your and the adoptees definition of “all right.” And when is “the end”? Adoption is a life long journey for the adoptee with new layers of emotion at different life stages. I heard a priest say recently at a naming ceremony for a (birth) child that we don’t own children, we simply accompany them on their journey. Thinking in this way sets us free to be better parents.

Nearly nine years in (some as respite carer, some as full time mother), and I would echo the question of what you mean by 'OK in the end'.

Elder daughter was a nightmare from about 13, angry, resentful, manipulative, would stay out all night, pregnant at 15, left to live with her boyfriend just short of her 16th birthday... convinced all the professionals that I was the mother from hell (until they got to know her a bit better, and realised things didn't stack up...)

3 years on she is turning into a lovely young woman, back in school and doing well, visits often, has occasionally even been known to ask me for advice I always loved her, and now I like her again as well.

Younger daughter's Mothers Day present to me this year (age 10) was an hour and a half meltdown, rage, fear, nothing would calm her. Then she was tearful and anxious the rest of the day, needing reassurance I still love her.

But she is lovely, loving, a talented dancer, curious about the world, kind and empathic.

I am optimistic that both are going to lead independent lives, have relatively positive relationships and friends, and earn a living. And have transformed my life along the way (including having to work part time and being a lot poorer in financial terms!).

And as Ted says, it is largely luck because problems tend to show up at school and then again at puberty.

Thank you everyone, I really do appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. Please disregard the 'in the end' comment - it was an unhelful turn of phrase!

The stats I mentioned came from the September 2017 research done by the BBC/ Adoption UK that stated that only 1 in 4 adopters reported that their family life was 'fulfilling and stable', 2 in 4 'challenging but stable' and 1 in 4 in crisis'. Perhaps that's poor wording of the question, implying that the people in that second group aren't happy with their family life. However, it paints a troubling picture to people who don't know lots of adopters or adopted children in real life!

I guess what I'm trying to understand is what is 'the most likely' path/ family life that is reasonable to expect/ hope for, so that I can try and determine whether I really do have the emotional resilience to be a good parent under those circumstances. All of your comments are really helping to paint a clearer picture for me, thank you!

This process has definitely made me question my resilience and made me doubt everything I thought I knew about myself! I have always spend a lot of time with children (with friends/family and through my work/ volunteering), and have been told many times that I'm great with kids/young people, particularly when they are struggling with complex emotions. We have friends who are social workers (one who assesses foster carers) who assured us that we'd be great parents to adopted children. So I think I went into this process with a false sense of confidence that my husband and I would be welcomed with open arms!

I feel we've been treated the opposite way, with considerable suspicion with social workers making all sorts of unfair (and factually incorrect) judgements about us, imposing more and more demands with shifting goal posts. At times it's felt like gaslighting and I just don't think that's on. Perhaps that's the test to see if we can cope with the pressure. However the injustice of it has definitely pressed our buttons!

What seems illogical about their approach is that there are very different types of pressure. We both have jobs that require us to be effective at managing tough/ potentially volatile situations, to be assertive with services, to stand up for vulnerable people etc. So in terms of fighting for the rights of our adopted child I think we'll be alright! What we both struggle with is the onslaught of negative, personal judgements from people in positions of authority. I can accept controlling behaviour from an emotionally troubled child, but not an adult in a position of power who should know better! It feels more like a test of how submissive we're prepared to be, or how much we're prepared to play the game. We're both very honest (too honest!) and not game players at all.

It's 8 months since we started stage 1 and there's no sign that we'll be allowed to enter stage 2. To be honest it is making us distrustful of our adoption agency and we're considering dropping out altogether (which feels like for all the wrong reasons!).

Maybe my destiny is to be crazy cat lady with a whole load of furbabies instead - I guess I can think of worse ways to live! :-)

The stats I mentioned came from the September 2017 research done by the BBC/ Adoption UK

I absolutely hate headlines like this about research. The level of drivel in the media whenever something statistical is reported is ridiculous.

The overwhelming majority of adopters (as opposed to prospective adopters) who engage with AUK do so as a source of support in difficult times- that's what AUK is for. Of course subscribers to their newsletter are not going to represent the average outcome.

To my knowledge, OP, nobody has done a large scale study of the outcomes for an entire cohort of adopters (e.g. everyone with a particular agency over a particular period) which is a travesty in and of itself.

I feel we've been treated the opposite way, with considerable suspicion......felt like gaslighting and I just don't think that's on.
The process should be challenging, but it should not be this. Either you are getting it wrong, or (more likely) your SW is doing something quite bady.

It's 8 months since we started stage 1 and there's no sign that we'll be allowed to enter stage 2.
Are you in England? If so that is very, very slow.

Without wishing to pry, if you could post some specific issues people may be able to help a little more constructively.

maybe you should consider another agency?

I had an absolutely hideous time with my LA, left them over a year after my initial enquiry and went to a voluntary agency. Happy to say that all worked out in the end !

We are 3 years in with DS aged 10 and DD aged 8. They are so much more settled than I ever thought they would be. The first year was very very hard, their behaviour was difficult to manage and we were still trying to fit them into our family rather than letting the family fit round them. I think we have got the hang of that now though. They are doing really well at school and socially. In that respect they are no different to anyone else in their class. However they still don't have much resilience at home and need everything to stay pretty boring and the same every day, which I have found hard as I've always been quite a spontaneous person who likes variety. Any change to the routine, from a different parent taking them to school to a weekends away needs a lot of careful management.

Having said all that I couldn't be prouder or them, I couldn't love them more and I am so glad we did it.

8 months seems very slow, and while the process is hard what you're describing doesn't sound quite right.
When I was first assessed I was told in no uncertain terms to move, quit my job and end my relationship (I was being assessed as a kinship carer initially, it was a very traumatic situation) all of which I did. But SS knew I was their best choice and they were nothing but supportive while I made all those changes very quickly. Which seems to be the usual theme, they are hard on you necessarily but also supportive and help you get your head around everything.
This support seems lacking completely in your case, have you thought about changing agency?
Do they have any specific issues or concerns you feel comfortable sharing incase any of us can offer more specific advice?

What reasons are you being told you cant progress into stage two? Stage one is a bureaucratic process, you should only have met a stage one SW once or twice?

Totally get being unfairly judged - our first SW was like that. We also had an enforced break when it was suggested we 'thought about our commitment to the process'. When we finally got to approval panel she threw us under the bus, and we didn't get approved until we had a new SW at a later panel. I think she just didn't like us, and that got in the way of her professionalism.

I'm not saying this to alarm you, OP, but if you feel that what you are being put through is beyond acceptable levels of probing and testing, might it be an idea to ask for a review with the SW manager?

So far things are working out amazingly well for us - DS moved in three and a half years ago, and is now an 8 year old cheeky chappy, busy with lots of activities, but not too busy for a hug goodbye, and is the absolute light of our life. Sometimes I get flashes of what the teenage years might be like, but who can tell?

For us, 5 years in with adopted DS (placed at 18 months) and DS2 (placed at 2 months) its been brilliant and I have to pinch myself that we’ve got two brilliant, happy and healthy bouncy boys. No post-adoption support needed. But I guess we are always more thoughtful about what the future might bring than my parent peers. Especially the teenage years as that (anecdotally) seems to be a challenge. But we can only be ourselves, let them be themselves, be honest, seek support if we need to and love them.