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Adoption

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Original poster

Day 6 in placement and I feel like a monster....

44 replies

howmanyusernames · 26/04/2018 13:39

Please please don't have a go, I would like some support so if you can't do that please don't comment...

We are on day 6 of LO being with us. He is great, sleeps for 11 hours a night, has a morning and afternoon nap, and is generally a happy baby. I feel lucky to have him, and want to look after him and love him.

But that's the issue, I worry that I won't ever 'love' him, I want to protect him but I'm struggling with the 'maternal' instinct.... I see friends with their kids, and read on forums about how other people love their kids from day one (adopted and birth) and worry that I just don't have that.....and that I won't ever get it....

I feel tearful every other day, I'll be fine one day but the next feel that I can't do it, that I won't be able to cope on my own (my OH is off work for 6 months now but has things coming up, like a stag weekend in June).

I feel awful and embarrassed about how I feel, that I've wanted this for so long, have got an amazing little boy, yet seem so ungrateful.

My OH has been great, very patient and is taking on a lot of the childcare when I feel like this. I then feel bad for him.

My friends have been great, I have been messaging them with how I feel and they say it's normal (I get now why having the support network is so important in this process), but I don't know how to 'fix' how I feel. Will it come with time? Do I need to be more hands on? Or should I take a back seat a little, observe my OH but still be there in the room etc?

Is this feeling normal, as right now I feel totally overwhelmed and that I can't do it and am a total ungrateful monster...

OP posts:

lonelytigger · 27/04/2018 21:45

Sorry I never adopted but stumbled upon your thread and just wanted to let you know how normal your feelings are.
When I had my DS and the midwife passed him to me I felt extremely underwhelmed and disappointed.
There was no rush of love or maternal instinct I just felt like I've been saddled with this alien little thing and booted out to get on with it.
He's 3 now and I can't imagine life without him. But the first few months were tough.

exercisejunkie · 28/04/2018 07:58

Hi,

You've already been given some fantastic advise but I wanted to add solidarity.

I was exactly the same when my DD was placed in November, she's everything I've always wanted, the match would not have been any better, energy SW commented we fit together

exercisejunkie · 28/04/2018 08:08

Oops posted to soon,

But although I was excited and thought she was adorable the pressure was huge, I felt guilty that she was settling so well and I, well was a mess, if we got through the day without me crying it was a miracle, family constantly told me how amazing she was, how lucky I was, how well she was doing. She was a terrible sleeper and every time she woke in the night I would lie there my heart pounding terrified that I would have to get up and go to her and wouldn't be able to Settle her.
I developed really really bad anxiety but denied it to my SW, we actually fell out and I now havn't spoken to her for months, she's passed my case to a colleague who actually I really like, she really put me at ease and got me to open up and admit I was struggling, even writing this now makes me well up but it's important to share this so others know it's normal. My new SW arranged counselling which is yet to start but just admitting how I was feeling meant I had extra visits more support and not once did they question my ability to parent.

They all had faith and trust in me and if anyone asked me today how I'm doing my honest answer would be....great.

Yes it's hard, yes it all takes time but with time we're doing ok.

flapjackfairy · 28/04/2018 09:27

So glad you had an ok day yesterday. Hope you all have a lovely weekend .

OlennasWimple · 28/04/2018 20:31

Good luck OP - it's far tougher than you could ever imagine, but it sounds like you're doing a great job

Have you spoken to DH about it? How is he feeling?

There's a useful saying: "Fake it until you make it"

Jellycatspyjamas · 30/04/2018 07:00

Oh my days, it’s very hard isn’t it. You spend years fighting your way through the system, and finally get handed this little person (or in our case two little people) and everyone acts like you’ve won the lottery. Which, in some ways, you have but there’s something about the determination you need to get through the process that makes it’s very hard to acknowledge that you’re actually more anxious, stressed and knackered than happy and that you’re not sure whether you like, never mind love, your new children.

I remember folk telling me to enjoy thus time - and I have to some extent but learning to be a parent from a standing start is very, very hard going. And just when I’m getting the hang of it something else comes along to knock me over again so I never feel completely stable.

And yet the good bits are there too - the laughter and fun, the cuddles, the love from these children who had no choice in coming to me (how the hell do they make sense of that). It’s such a difficult transition and you’re very early days yet. Terrified, stressed and worried are all ok feelings to have. The rest will come.

Yolande7 · 11/05/2018 15:40

It is a myth that birth parents love their children from the moment they see them. My sister-in-law certainly didn't. She wanted her daughter and was happy to have her, but it took her time to bond with her. I have also seen this in a few of my friends. They were inexperienced and overwhelmed and there was little space for love at the beginning.

I can't really tell if I loved my (adopted) children when I first saw them. I knew we would make a great family and I thought they were gorgeous, but love? We were strangers to each other. The whole process is so draining that it can be hard to know what you are feeling. Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much. It will come.

flapjackfairy · 13/05/2018 08:48

How is it going howmany ?
Are things a bit more settled now ?

Abijah46 · 05/02/2019 15:44

Hi I’m interested in how things are now ??? I am 8 weeks in with our ds - 9 months old. I am struggling to feel anything but tired and stressed. He is a happy boy and he is now in some good routines. He has gained weight and is sleeping and eating well. SW reported a secure attachment and I am happy with this. I however can not sleep and I have lost 2 stone. I don’t really know what I’m feeling apart from not his Mum. I wonder if anyone had a similar experience!!! Wanted to be a mum but now I feel like a monster in the role. I hope things have improved for the original poster !!!

donquixotedelamancha · 05/02/2019 16:03

Abijah46

What you'll see from this and many other threads is that how you feel is entirely normal. It took me 6+ months to feel 'right' with DD2. I think it would be helpful to start your own thread so people can give more specific advice.

Abijah46 · 05/02/2019 17:09

Thanks for taking the time answer !!! I may just do that -

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 05/02/2019 17:15

If it helps anyone, I felt exactly the same with DD and I gave birth to her. For months it just felt like I was a babysitter/nanny and i was just doing what i had to do until "they" came and got her. It took at least 6 months for her to feel mine, and then bond properly.

Abijah46 · 05/02/2019 19:36

Thanks -I’m hoping My emotions catch up at some point !! ❤️

Original poster

howmanyusernames · 07/02/2019 11:39

Hey! Everything is amazing now! ☺ After about 2-3 weeks I started to spend more time with LO, I put myself in his shoes and wondered how I would feel - terrified! Things then started to fall into place, he started to be more comfortable and so did I.

Now, the AO is done and he is officially ours, and I love him so much! He's been poorly and this is when your instincts kick in, you want to care for them, make them well, and just give them a big hug. I would die for him now.

I think once the SW's stop coming, leave you alone to be a parent, it helps. Plus getting the AO as he is now officially our baby boy!

He changes every day, laughs and smiles all the time, and seeing him grow and change is amazing. Don't get me wrong, there are still challenging times, but the amazing times far outweigh them!

Hang in there, Abijah46, I promise it gets better!

OP posts:

EightWellies · 07/02/2019 12:25

That's so nice to hear . Thanks for the update.

For me, I fell for DD1 straight off, but it took me a year to feel the same way about DD2. I just stuck with it in the belief that the love would eventually come, but I felt so guilty in the meantime about this lovely little bundle who was totally reliant on us.

We got there in the end.

HPFA · 07/02/2019 13:13

I only have a birth child so I hope you don’t mind me answering, but your post really resonated with me.

Same for me. I felt very committed to DD from the start but no overwhelming gush of love. It probably depends on your personality as much as anything - some people are more reserved in their emotions than others. It doesn't make any difference as far as being ultimately able to love and care for your child, I don't think

Abijah46 · 11/02/2019 19:27

I've just seen your post howmanyusernames - how encouraging- thank you so much and I'm so glad things have settled for you and your love feels concrete. We are submitting our AO next week and they report about 4 months for court date. I too have an inkling that if CS stopped visiting I'd be doing better. Lots of love to your little family xxxx

donquixotedelamancha · 11/02/2019 22:42

What a lovely update.

Italiangreyhound · 20/02/2019 14:58

@howmanyusernames Thabk you for coming back and telling us! Fabulous news.

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