She wants to go back to the FC

[ScoobySnacks2017]

A few weeks ago we brought home two little girls - 2 and 4. Its been an overwhelming whirl of course and we're incredibly knackered. All four of us have been sick - it feels like there hasn't been more than about 4 days since they came home when someone hasn't been ill.
Anyway, I felt like I was just about managing until the other day when the older girl got upset upon seeing pics of one of the foster carers and said she didn't like A and B (us) and wanted to go back to X & Y's (foster carer's) house.
Rationally, I know it's reasonable she'd be missing them (they'd lived with them for a year, it was their first period of good care after a neglectful time with birth fam), but it felt like a kick in the stomach when we've been trying so hard to settle them with us. I know I'm not supposed to take it personally but, er, I am. And its so hard to know what to say to her, apart from promising that we will see them (the FC's)
Anyone else experienced anything like this? It's not so much advice I'm after as knowing that this happened to someone else (and some hope that she will eventually want to be here!!)

Separation and Loss effect's many children suggest you google the subject there is some very useful resources and reading.
As FC when a child we know is too move on we dispense with the word foster in the house and around the child, like too be referred too people
they live with and look after them till new mummy or daddy can.
When they move on this is how we are referred to too the child , have met some children post adoption , who are at ease show us their new nana's, grandpa's uncle and aunts with pride . And know who we are
and we used too look after them.

Personally think the word Foster is antiquated/Victorian and out of date

Aw big hugs OP as it is horrible. My 8 year old (placed when 3) still very occasionally says it and I suspect is hoping for a dramatic impact because funnily enough its when he is in trouble. It’s very natural - they have had love and care etc - but also natural that it hurts you a little. The first few weeks are hard can’t imagine what it would have been like I’ll too. Keep your chin up and wait for the cuddles, giggles and laughter. Good luck

Sorry I haven’t read all the replies but I have to say when our little one was placed from F.C. we were encouraged to meet up with foster carer quite soon after placement - only 2 weeks in. I got myself quite worked up about it and really didn’t want to go. Was hoping someone would be sick and we could cancel. Anyway as it happens the whole experience was very difficult - neither of us knew who should be comforting him etc but all the way home in our car afterwards he smiled. Made me want to cry because I was sure he would want to go home with her.

Yours are older so throws different issues into the mix but I imagine at 4 years old she will be very anxious about what has happened to the foster carer and it’s possible that allowing her to see them will put her mind at rest.

If you do decide to make sure foster carer knows you are mum and she shouldn’t encourage the children to go to her but re direct back to you. Ours was fantastic like this even though I could see it hurt her.

@tictoc76

"...neither of us knew who should be comforting him etc but all the way home in our car afterwards he smiled."

It's a shame the foster carers weren't able to put their needs aside and re-enforce you as mum but it looks like it all worked out well.

Our son's foster mum did an amazing job and had new foster children within days of ds leaving so when we met she had her hands full.

Transition is a really hard time for everyone involved. Of course the children miss and want their first attachment figures. That doesn't make it easy to hear thoigh. How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk has some really great tips on how to make kids feel heard. Empathising with them about missing the careers would be more helpful than trying to offer a solution like 'we will see them again' Something more like 'It sounds like you really miss FC. They are very important to you, sometimes you wish you could be with them. Is that right?' ... it's very hard to miss them. It's OK to tell me that. ...Settling into a new home isnt easy.'...then suggesting a game/walk/activity. For the kids its almost as if it would be for you if youd been living with your partner for a year then one day youre taken to a new house with a new partner...not your choice...its natural to.go through a grieving process...doesnt mean they dont like you or that things wont work out..but thet do need their pain acknoacknowledged and to be able to say these things even if it gets to the point of 'I wish we'd bever come here!' without having to feel guilty. Any child or adult would feel the same gling through such a big change.

Agree, the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" is great

I think many parents fall ill when their adopted children finally arrive, I certainly did. I think it's the exhaustion of the 'bridging' period which is draining - it's really hard being in someone else's house, trying to make a good impression, meeting a child that will become your daughter/son. There's so much emotion involved, even if the foster carers are great.
Then, when your little one finally moves in, you are so concerned to make everything as perfect as you can for them and probably not getting enough sleep.
My little girl came to us when she was 2 and she loved being with us, but everyday, at nap time she would cry for about 30 minutes and nothing we could do would comfort her. At the time I was upset and felt that I was doing something wrong but now I realise she was grieving the loss of her foster carers. We just had to ride it out and do what we could to distract her.
We adopted a little boy 2 years later. He was only 14 months when he came and I do remember it was hard to make him laugh in the beginning, but it was a bit easier because he was younger.
We still stay in contact with both sets of foster carers and my dd, in particular, is always delighted when we see them, which is about once a year now. I think it's nice for her to know that she was loved by someone right from the beginning.
My son doesn't remember living with his fc, but he makes us laugh sometimes when he comments that he's been somewhere before with her, when we know for certain that he hasn't (New York, Disney World!). It does hurt me a bit when he calls her his first Mum though - silly I know.
Good luck xx

@Prideandjoy lovely post.

How are you doing @ScoobySnacks2017

Thanks for asking @Italiangreyhound. It's sort of better and worse. Better in that we are more in the swing of things in terms of the practicalities, which helps a lot, and that now the weather's better we're out more often. We're all in a better mood when we're in the countryside or in a cafe. But it is still so wearing, especially when you're trying to referee the squillionth toy squabble of the day. And my partner and I are both still struggling not to be irritated by DD1, whose speech delay means she repeats the same narrow vocabulary over and over. She's also very controlling. I know where that comes from, totally get it, just struggle to control my own emotional responses.
Am taking heart from posts on a couple of other threads where people have said that they did eventually like their children! 😬😦

The fun comes, as does the love.

With your less vocal child why not explore some talking games. Using words, you can always try mimining when the words run out.

Headbanz is a good one. The more she hears you guys talking the better. Cut out background noise like radios or TVs. Can I ask, I am sure it's been checked, but have you had her hearing checked or has this been done.

Both my kids went through phasing of repeatin the same phrase. DS recently started "OH come on!" Every time things were not going his way.

My personal feeling is commenting on it doesn't work and maybe potentially makes it worse. You could try distraction techniques.