Less obvious realities of single parenting?

[Choccogoingcuckoo]

Just that really, I understand being a lone parent will be challenging but what are your less obvious day to day trial and tribulations?

You may remember my earlier post, we were being matched with a little boy but my partner decided adopting wasn't for him and left me before we got him home therefore, sadly, the adoption broke down. I'm still pretty heart broken, feeling like I've lost my son and am now considering life as a single adopter and having a general understanding of the realistic side of it would be good.

Thanks folks.

I guess what I mean in my own circs by "depend heavily" is that from DM I get emotional support, some company sometimes while I look after LO myself, and the occasion school collection of LO if I have a longer work day. So it's not that DM is providing days and days of childcare - more that when she was incapacitated, I simultaneously lost the emotional / practical help, as well as needing to provide support back to her. Not that I begrudge a second of it to either DM or LO but it's tough - if your single DM is just home from a major operation and needs help, and your LO can't be left with anyone else, and gets distressed seeing your DM unwell...it's hard. From the sound of it you have adult siblings to help though

And yes, without being negative or over-generalising, it's sensible to make plans based on at least some degree of additional needs - LO is probably classed as "moderate needs" - her physical needs are less than predicted by the professionals, but her emotional needs are much higher than they thought.

Try and get some rest. It's a tough time for you, for lots of reasons

I understand what you mean now. Thanks.

I do know a single adopter who works shifts, she has solid support and two of the children are older, buts its incredibly hard.
Partly depends on what shift work means in your case, regular pattern, day/night shifts, weekends, bank holidays ? How would it work in school holidays.

Think very carefully about the age of the child. A school age child is easier in some practical ways, less child care to pay for one thing. Being older we could get out and about more from the start, theatre, cinema, events etc so I never had so much of a feeling of isolation that I may have had with a younger child.

I am very interested in this thread as I am contemplating adoption as a single person.

For various reasons I have left it quite late (I am 48, wish I had done it earlier but no point thinking that). I have been on an info evening and met with a social worker. I am booked to go on the 3 day prep course in January.

I swing between thinking yes absolutely go for it to thinking there's no way I should/no way it will work.

My concerns involve:

Practicalities re work etc

I work full time in a very good job that, financially puts me in a great position to raise a child. Money would be of no concern (I realise how lucky I am) but only if I can keep working.

I know I would need to consider an older child, maybe one that is about to start school. I could probably sort my work out so that later starts/earlier finishes but I definitely wouldn't be able to do this job part time. I have read loads of things where people say you have to change jobs etc but it isn't that simple.

Do I definitely want to do this?

I have always wanted to be a mum. Never, ever envisaged that I wouldn't be. But just never imagined myself in this position (thinking of adopting on my own at 48). Have had a disastrous past with men, infertility, IVF etc so now this is my only option (and very last chance, given my age).

But, being brutally honest with myself, I do sometimes question myself as to whether I really do want to embark on it. I think I do, but what if I have become too accustomed to my life now (even though it is a million miles apart from the life I thought I would have).

I am petrified that I do it and then regret it?! which I guess must happen, that must be the worst for the child.

So I am a bit all over the place at the mo to be honest.

The best conclusion I can come to is to just go on the course in Jan and take it from there.

Has anyone else felt so up in the air when considering it (or is it just me? Does that mean that it isn't for me?)

Thanks x

Ted, my shifts are early/late 4 days per week. No idea how holidays would work, I'd have to depend on my dm or bribe someone of baby sitting age. The little boy we had been matched with is 5 nearly 6 so in that sense it would be a bit easier I reckon.

Morley 19, hello, I have a lot of the same thoughts, and debates with myself as you. With a good paying job and no kids the world is our oyster but my heart pangs to be a mum I'd give it all up. Realistically I'd prob have to downsize the mortgage so I could change jobs as I'd want to be around at nights and weekends etc.

I would 2nd/3rd/4th what has already been said. Having all the decisions and responsibility on you, every evening on your own, losing touch with friends because you can never meet up and heaven forbid it would occur to them to come round to yours one evening

I used to work shifts (healthcare). Before starting the adoption process I moved sideways to a job with office hours. It's the same grade but in reality was quite a big pay cut as I lost all the unsocial hours pay. It also means commuting in rush hour which is not fun! It does mean I can use paid childcare though, I couldn't manage without that.

I echo what has been said about using grandparents as childcare. Last year my mum had a stroke completely out of the blue, no risk factors, in perfect health before. If I had been relying on her for childcare I would have been completely stuck. Happily she has now made a very good recovery but would still not be able to manage being the main childcare.

DD has been home for over 4 years and is far and away the best thing that has ever happened to me Single adoption is great, but you need to go in with your eyes open (which you are doing by asking these questions)

Thank you both

maiyakat when I started reading your post I thought you were going to say ‘don’t do it!’ Until I got to the end

So despite the difficulties, you gave no regrets.

I think l I can do is continue through the process and take it step by step, see how I feel.

I was just worried that, because I was doubting it/questioning it that meant deep down that I shouldn’t do it. Good to hear that others who have done had the same doubts

Thanks

I'm not a single parent but all the way through the process I had questions and doubts - we were older too and have a very nice lifestyle but I wouldn't be without my two little ones. It's a huge change, you wouldn't be human if you didn't have second, third and forth thoughts about it.

Op, did the adoption break down when you were in introductions? If you’d met the child then I don’t think they would link you again to him. Friends of mine called a halt during introductions with two siblings due to health concerns over one of the children and then again with another child because it didn’t feel right, however and they were given a third chance.
For those of you considering the impact on work, just be aware you usually get the same adoption leave as maternity leave.
I went back to work part time but ultimately chose to give it up however as my adopted dds, now teenagers, need a heck of a lot of input, including camhs four times a week.

We were waiting for a date for matching panel so technically linked but told everything was in place for matching.

Oh, I see. Well as you hadn’t met him, there should be a possibility if he is still “available.”

OP "I've had two hours sleep last night thinking about everything" please look after yourself. Plenty of sleep, healthy food etc. It helps your brain function and your body, and you need sleep for clear thinking.

Morley19 I'm not a single adopter but I did adopt when I was 48. Our son was three, nearly four, and we have a 9 year old birth dd.

I am not physically very fit and I do feel my age so it helps for me that dh is super fit.

I just wanted reassure you that although 48 is older it is not that much older on terms of adoption.

Can I also sat that although I am parenting with dh, and we do talk things over a lot of decisions are generally made by me! Schools, medical, additional vaccinations, etc. My dh and I talk buy because he works full time and I part-time, both kids on school, a fair bit of decision making comes to me.

Good luck OP and all who are going through the process now.

Thanks Italian, yep I'm healthy eating, works setting me up with counselling and I have great support from friends and family.

The trigger was bumping into a friend from prep groups and training days in the supermarket with her newly adopted LO.

Thanks for all the replies and comments (OP, sorry I didn't mean to hijack your thread, was just interested as in similar position).

OP - I wish you all the luck in the world in the process. I do remember reading bits of your previous thread, it was awful what you had been through. I can empathise to an extent as I had a very similar experience with a guy just buggering off out of the blue during IVF. I will never forget those dark days so I know how absolutely devastated you must have been. You deserve all the luck in the world with this.

It is really comforting to hear that other people had the same doubts.

I know I was made to be a mum but never expected my life to go as it has (does anyone I suppose?!). Just feel like this really is last chance saloon but really wonder if practically I can do it. Then this silly little nagging voice comes into my head saying 'leave it now, it's too late, just enjoy a different sort of life.'

As I said, all over the place with it!

Italian - thanks for the reassurance re the age. I know what you mean. If I was getting pregnant at 48/49 that is a different thing to adopting a 4/5 year old isn't it? That is like getting pregnant at 42/43 which I know many people do

x

No problem Morley, knock yourself out, it can be an isolating thought process in RL so good to chat with people who get it.

So sorry to hear you went through similar.

Choccogoingcuckoo, wow, that does sound very hard. Include some chocolate and comfort food in that healthy eating. Your day will come. You are so strong and determined, I mean I don't know you but I know after a tough time you still want to adopt and are even considering asking about the child you were matched with originally. Whatever happens next I think you sound like a tough and determined person. I really hope things will work out.

Just a thought but we used to have some Newbie threads where people could post their progress. I can't start one as am not a newbie any more. But might be worth something else doing it, when ready, for support here on adoption.

I've touched base with sw dept today to ask if I can have a meeting to discuss the practicalities they'd expect me to have in place as a single adopter and if it's an option to be considered for this LO. After all the internal debating with myself I feel like I've done the right thing.

That sounds like a really positive step well done

Ps didn't mean that to sound patronising just think you've done the right thing and it must have been hard to do

Thanks Poppy, I didn't take it as patronising but I do think you're probably winning the theraputic parenting responses .

Thanks everyone for all your input, it's been helpful.

probably cos I'm not winning at therapeutic parenting with my DD tonight!

OP well done.

Of you get a no, you will know you did all you could.

If you get a yes, you still have a choice.

I think either way it is good to know.

Xxxx I really want the best for you, whatever it is.

Hi,

Support network really is key, I got a bit annoyed at my SW constantly banging on about it, but in reality when I've been up all night with a migraine and rang my dad to collect my little one and take her to my mums (mum Doesn't drive) I knew that was exactly why they go on about it, little one has seen both my parents a lot and spent a lot of time at mums with me, mums just updated me and she's napping happily there, I'm barely functioning today, can barely spell let alone look after a toddler so very grateful to my "suppport network".