A couple of questions

[BewilderedBeaver]

Did anyone send out a message or email of some sort to friends and family to explain that you would be funnelling etc? I know lots of people will want to pop round for cuddles and while close friends and family understand other people may not. Just wondering how others handled that?

Also, suggestions for things to take to intros to initiate play with a 1year old? I'm thinking simple board book, bubbles, favourite snack. What did you take?

Thanks

I agree with jellycat , do not allow SW to use your home as a meeting room. Why don't they hold meetings in their own homes ? oh yes, it's because they need to have a boundary between home and work. And it's just the same for you and especially for your child. The child needs to know this is different, not just another foster placement.

Normal kids in normal families don't have groups of SW meetings in their home. And goodness knows our kids could do with a bit of normal family life .

And I'm not sure that it IS possible to take funnelling too far with a 12 month old, a sibling and two parents. Different for a single parent and an 8yo.

Remember that in many traditional cultures, a mother and new born baby did " funnelling " for 30 days , as the mother stayed at home feeding the baby and recovering from the birth while other women in the family/ community cared for them.

Our children need far more help with attachment than most newborns. And yet somehow we have come to believe that we are extremists if we keep granny away for a week and wait for 6 months before sending them off to nursery.

A newborn baby has heard its mothers voice and heart for months. Our newly adopted kids don't know us from Adam and they have already lost at least two mother figures. Why the hell should they trust us and the retinue of friends, family, neighbours and social workers who all just want a " little cuddle " .

I'm sorry I have very little time for adults who can't put their own wishes above those of a tiny traumatised child and her new parents.

I would agree with much of what you say Kr1st1na, adults in the extended family should always be able to put the child's needs first - I think sometimes folk just don't get how different adoption is in terms of building relationship. I know I had to spell out that my two had lost every single person in their lives twice over and so would need a lot of time, care and attention if they were going to settle with us and come to know us as mum and dad.

A lot of folk think once a child is out of an abusive environment and placed in a loving home all their troubles are over - so when the kids struggle to settle or need a lot of care or act out they just don't get it. I think there's a balance to be struck between what might be ideal for little people and what adopters can provide without going crazy - it's a huge adjustment for all concerned and I've gone with "what's the best I can do" accepting my best might not be text book but it is my best.

whats the best I can do - absolutely right. Those mothers in traditional cultures are not isolated, they have other women caring for them

I just think that people should not confuse funnelling with isolation to the extent that they are almost afraid to take a child for a walk in case they bump into someone they know, in case they get it wrong.

I spent literally days on my own with my son, playing board games. But we also went swimming, joined the library, had cake in the local tea shop. We met nanny and grandad after two weeks, other relatives over a period of 4 months. No one else was caring for him, feeding him, cuddling him, just me. But neither were we isolated.

I don't want to hijack the thread, it how does funnelling work when your child is of school age? Or would they always be placed in the summer holidays?

No, you wouldnt make them wait unti the summer holidays.
My son was nearly 8, well estsblished in school, loved school, has autism so needed to be back into a routine fairly quickly.
intros finished just before Easter holidays, so we had just over a week of intros, nearly three weeks over the easter break, in week 5 I took him into school to meet teachers and get uniform, week 6 he went in half time. May bank holiday and half term then not so long off and then only 5 weeks to the summer holidays.

The point of funnelling is that the child develops their understanding of who the primary carers are.
At 8 he understood I was mum, I was doing the care, cooking, feeding, help with dressing, bedtimes etc etc. He was home at 3.15 so we had plenty of time every day to spend together. I had a year off work so made sure that everything that needed doing was done when he was at school, we were glued together from 3.15 until bedtime and the whole weekend. I went to every school event, special assembly, coffee morning so I was quite visible at school. No doubt who mum was. He met friends and family over an extended period, one at a time for an hour or so each time. There were many weeks in the first year when it was just us, but we were out and about establishing a normal life.
If he had been very young, say 4 or just 5, a child not yet at school or only in school for a short time, and/or a different point in the school year I may have done things a bit differently. If he had arrived in say late October I would have kept him home until January, simply because from November primary schools are working a lot on Christmas stuff, routine starts going out the window, and Christmas itself can be difficult.
But you don't have to isolate yourself to funnel

Thanks, Ted, that was really useful!

Teds post is an excellent example of why it's different for single parents. It's very VERY tough, especially in the early stages ( first year or two ).

Which I why have very little patience with the grown men who come on here whinging that their wife / partner is spending all her time with the new adoptee, they get no " couple time " and surely they should be going out more in the evenings now the child has been placed for 6 weeks . If I hear one more complaining " but what about my needs ? " I will punch the sodding screen.

Meanwhile his wife is going crazy at home 24/7. And single adopters can barely find time for a shower without a small child sobbing at the door. Every day for years.

It's truly exhausting - physically, emotionally and spiritually - to have to be the only source of parenting for a desperately needy traumatised and grieving child.

Single adopters need all the support they can get as well as a medal. Cooking meals to go in the freezer, being on the end of a phone or coming round at 9pm for a quick coffee. Or like the lovely MIL upthread who came round to do housework.

Jelly is totally right, people don't get how different it is from giving birth. And couples don't get how different it is for single people. And the WOTH parent doesn't get how hard it is for the SAHP.

I think it's also hard for those mums have no bio children and have struggled with infertility . Who have watched colleagues taking maternity leave and having lovely lunches with' the girls ' with a tiny baby peacefully sleeping in the car seat.

Then when it's finally their turn, they get to live with one or more tiny emotional vampires who suck them dry and have meltdowns when they leave the house . And , unlike bio parents , they can't even complain because they have to be grateful. All the sodding time.

Which is tough when you love your kids. And even tougher when you don't yet.

It may be years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday.

on the plus side, us singlies don't have to think about partners ! I do think it was important that I had a whole year off, despite him being in school, I would have been neither use nor ornament at work between months 5 - 12 !
I could cope with the intensity of it all because he was at school. The other 18 hours a day we were attached at the hip, we co-slept quite a lot as well

Ah kr1st1na your post made me both smile and almost brought a tear to my eye in recognition. It might have been years ago for me too but you absolutely nailed it.

< fist bumps poppy and ted >

Oh god kr1st1na, I'm right in the thick of all of that just now. Feeling so grateful for my kids, having struggled forever (well 20+ years) to have them, having to feel like you've won a prize in the motherhood raffle and not feeling able to express anything but joy and adoration for these two little people who have exploded every part of your life.

In reality I don't love them yet, we're all getting to know each other and I'm only just seeing glimpses of the little people they will be in time. The rest of the time I'm trying to soothe, settle and cope with two little traumatised people who need me every single second of the day. I've gone from running my own business while also managing a £2.5m service to fighting a losing battle getting my 4 year old to eat yoghurt, I can't leave the house without a military scale operation and time out for me needs the cooperation of at least one other person. I've gone from being utterly independent to relying on others to plan the simplest of things while also being bombarded with messages about attachment, therapeutic parenting, funnelling, PACE, PLACE and every other acronym that just seems designed to say you can never, ever give your children enough.

Throw in the drudgery that is washing, cooking and cleaning and it's amazing more adoptive parents don't have a complete breakdown in the early months. The magnitude of the change just cannot be underestimated or really prepared for and no one really tells you how awful the early months were for them.

As it stands I'm working on learning to like my children, giving them space to grow out of their early experiences and offering them care, acceptance and love as best I can trusting it'll all fall into place down the line. It's hard work and a world away from #makingmemories or #mummasheart - and it's still the best, most right thing I've ever done.

jelly

Although 🍸🍹🍷🥃 would probably be more useful.

Flowers are just one more bloody thing that you have to do

PACE is the dogs bollocks BTW . I ❤️ Dan Hughes.

And no, you will never be able to give them enough. You can only do what you can. Because you want to be able to look back and say that you did everything you could with the resources you had - time , money, energy, knowledge.

Remember all that matters is attachment . Anything that gets in they way of that has to go. Don’t get sucked into behaviour management or “ meeting their developmental targets” or “ keeping their routines “. So very hard for someone from your background.

Keep the faith .

Forgot to say - choose your battles carefully, only chose those you can win.

You can’t control what goes into or out of their bodies. Or what they do at at school.

Kr1st1na, thank you for your posts and Jelly - that is exactly how I feel. I'm four months in and it's hard, so much harder than I thought it would be. I'm single with a BC and I've made choices that are right for LO and right for our family but it is hard work. Your posts have given me a dash of much needed perspective and comfort today.

Oh bless you Clarinda, it can be so tough at this stage.

I’m glad it brings you some comfort that you are not alone.