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Adoption

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Original poster

How much of a change was adopting a child, and how did you cope??

58 replies

stoppinattwo · 06/04/2007 22:35

The reason Im asking.........

My very good friend has an adopted son, he has been withe her now for nearly a year.

She isnt coping very well though. Im telling her she seems quite stressed, i think it is the general day to day stress of having two children (she already had a child of her own), the family dynamics has changed completely, as she now has to share her time between 2 children. I dont care how much you think your prepared for 2 i dont think you are really ever completely prepared for how you will feel / cope.

I think she is afraid to ask anyone for help as they may think she isnt coping and may take him away (dont think the adoption is complete yet).

I have two of my own and have told her, that, to me it seems her two are behaving (or not as the case may be!!) perfeclty normally...........but she is blamnig it all on the adoption and how she should never have done it and its messing everything up. I know she doesnt really feel this way, but I would love to tell her to just chill out and relax, she now has two lovely kids and although in her eyes they are naughty, all kids can be like that and she shouldnt blame the change in circumstances for what is essentially normal behaviour

What can i do/ say to help........because if she doesnt stop getting fed up with them and moaning about it i shall end up saying something i shouldnt

OP posts:
KristinaM · 07/04/2007 21:35

"You dont need to be blunt with me thanks, I havent actually told her to do anything!!! "

oh I'm sorry, I though you said in your Op that

"Im telling her she seems quite stressed"

" I have two of my own and have told her, that, to me it seems her two are behaving...perfeclty normally"

"I am asking for advice........not a slating for how i feel. "

I never criticised hwo you feel

"I care about my friend very much, and this little boy more so. You really are a very assuming person."

I never said that you didnt care about them. indeed I said that i share your concern about your friend and her family

You asked for advice about what you coudl say/do to help and I have tried to give you that. I have also tried to be honest with you about what a stressful and longterm job it will be to support soemone who is in this situation. I'm sorry you dont agree - thats your choice. You did ask for advice

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 08/04/2007 00:11

So what part of these two quotes is me telling her what to do??

"Im telling her she seems quite stressed"

" I have two of my own and have told her, that, to me it seems her two are behaving...perfeclty normally"

That was not advice, both instances were my observations of someone who i have know for most of my life. Now please back off unless you can be constructive this isnt a debate on what i did and didnt say..........so stop being clever.

Others have been helpful, you seem to want to have a go at me, when all i want is advise and someone who knows what thye are talking about.

OP posts:
Roseanna · 08/04/2007 09:17

KristinaM - I have seen elsewhere that you are a respected MNer on adoption issues. I do not feel,however, that Stoppinattwo should have to spend her time here defending herself from your criticisms when she is asking for help and has made it clear that she will use some of the advice she has been offered. It must make it harder for some people to post honestly if they fear they are going to be pounced on rather than helped.

Roseanna · 08/04/2007 09:26

And further, whilst I'm on the subject, you can disagree with somebody's approach to a problem without denigrating them in quite a personal way - I think that's what has really upset me here. If I posted about a friend I cared about and was told immediately, by someone experienced in the issues concerned, that I didn't sound like a good friend I would find it hurtful and unhelpful. KristinaM, I'm SURE that's not your intention, so perhaps rather than continuing to say you are just being honest you could reconsider how your phrase your advice.

Samantha28 · 08/04/2007 10:18

Stopinattwo - I think you should get off KristinaM's case! You are attacking her, saying she is trying to be clever and having a go at you and not being consstructive when she has given you a lot of advice. If you don't like her advice you can just ignore it. That's what mumsnet is about.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 08/04/2007 12:54

Samantha.........you really dont have to tell me what mumsnet is about............I can read for myself thankyou.

It does take quite a bit to wind me up, and i think that obviously I (not being anything much to do with adoption) am not welcome here. If you read KristinaMs posts she has been very condescending. I really couldnt give 2 hoots what you think tbh.

If youve just come here to have a go too then move along quickly please

Some people have fully understood what i am asking, i am 36 years of age and dont expect to be judges just because i maybe dont use the correct words........here are the correct words, "bog off and go and rattle someone elses thread"

OP posts:
Samantha28 · 08/04/2007 13:14

Don't tell me where I can and cannot post! I am entitled to my opinion. I think you are very rude to people who don't agree with you. I usually lurk rather than post and it's people like you who really put me off posting more. Just because you are older than me doesn't mean you are right or that you can tell me what to do!

lionheart · 08/04/2007 13:39

Hang on, stoppinatwo was just asking for advice and got a very judgemental response. She's trying to be a good friend.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 08/04/2007 13:42

samantha..............i have no idea how old you are.................I dont even know you. dont make jusgement on what kind of a person i am.

now run along and lurk somewhere else.

Hi Lionheart, hows you

OP posts:
lionheart · 08/04/2007 13:43

Jolly good, thanks. Happy Easter!

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 08/04/2007 13:46

Oh were all chocolated out here(breakfast, lunch, dinner...tis easter law) at the SA2 houshold, working it off on the trampoline . Hope you have a good day too. The weather is perfect.

OP posts:
lionheart · 08/04/2007 13:50

Been to beach already.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 08/04/2007 13:51

...............Im not jealous honest

OP posts:
JBW · 08/04/2007 14:01

Hi SA2. Been reading this post. Does your friend have a good relationship with her SW. She is right to be wary of raising issues with the SW as I have had an awful experience of trying to adopt two children and it going horribly wrong through the SW not telling me truths etc. (Long story will not go into it here - not helpful).

If she does have a good relationship with SW and SW appears to be thinking about the family's interests as a whole then she should try and raise issues with her. If not perhaps Adoption UK can help.

Your friend is very lucky to have such a good friend as yourself. Do let me know how she gets on. It is a very stressful time trying to adopt children and I can certainly sympathise with your friend.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 08/04/2007 15:03

I think from what i can gather, the Adoption UK would be the best bet JBW. Her SW doesnt always get the right end of the stick and my friend (like me) doesnt always put her self across very well.

She really needs independent non judgemental advice.........she wants this to work more than anything. I will pass this information on to her, thankyou

Im sorry your experinces have not been so good, but i hope your having some better luck now. XX

OP posts:
Crocky · 08/04/2007 15:05

Have you told her about us lot SA2? Could a rant on here to get some of the stresses off her chest help her to see things a little clearer?

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 08/04/2007 15:14

I would crocky, but then she would want to know what my user name is..........and may search that i have already brought her issues up and discusssed them, I would hate her to think that i thought she wasnt coping

OP posts:
Original poster
stoppinattwo · 08/04/2007 15:17

She can be a bit of a nosey bugger too and if she searched she would find out i had an MC last year that i didnt tell her about, because her own issues were that she couldnt sustain a pregancy either, so i didnt want her feeling sorry for me when i coped quite well with it and she wasnt coping quite so well. iyswim

OP posts:
Crocky · 08/04/2007 15:19

Ask to have this thread deleted?
I haven't had any dealings with adoption but have thought about what it entails a little.
My db seperated from his partner and she kept the three dc. He then began another relationship and has another child.
SS removed the three from their mothers care and my db and his new partner took them on. She is only 23 and now an instant mum to 4.
This is all beside the point but I can see that she copes much more easily with her own child that she has had from a baby and has seen the personality develop than with the three that arrived fully formed as it were.

Crocky · 08/04/2007 15:20

Oh sorry, crossed post there.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 08/04/2007 15:42

Exactly my point crocky, going from one child to more children is tough enough..............tis a bit of a baptism of fire though when they already have age on their side and have developed their little ways. Ways that you havent nurtured and that you are not always prepared for.

good luck to your Db and his partner, and good for him getting custody, i too have three step children as well as our own two, they are older now and most of the time are away doing their own thing, but it was tough for me, keeping boundaries and order. They were 7,7 and 12 when we had them, and their atitudes were very well developed

OP posts:
2shoesonanegghunt · 08/04/2007 22:19

stoppinattwo re post this in sn you will be welcomed and supported there,
I know if I was having trouble I would like you in my corner.

Whoooosh · 08/04/2007 22:39

SA2-I think you sound like agreat friend to have-sorry forthe hard time you have been given by some on this thread.
I have no advice to offer-just support.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 08/04/2007 22:47

thankyou whooosh, and you 2shoesXX

OP posts:
suejonez · 09/04/2007 19:49

I'm not sure that bumping what appears to be quite a tetchy thread will help but I just wanted to add my perspective of adopting one child. Post adoption depression is far more common that PND and rarelyt treated because as you may have recognised in your friend, you are just terrified that the council will decide to take the child back. So its not quite so simple to tell her to ask for support - she will probably need some convincing that it won't be a reflection on her. My council (using adoption UK) provide you with a phone buddy who I haven't used at all but maybe she would find that helpful.

You don't say (I don't think) what ages her children are but this could be a huge issue in what problems she is dealing with. There is an old chestnut in adoption circles that ALL children who are adopted have special needs. They not always be immediately apparent to the outside world but they are there. Even simple things like my DS panics if you take his cup away when he seems to have had enough and I have learnt to let him have a sippy cup with water all the time. I think he didn't get enough to drink before and he does like his water, my boy.

Yes, you are paranoid as an adoptive parent that all of their "bad" behaviours are due to adoption but its an important paranoia because adoption related behavioural problems if caught early can often be successfully treated. Your friend may aslo be dealing with a degree ofd guilt that she didn't bond with her adopted child as quickly as her birth child. I felt (and to a degree still feel) that and its not productive but none-the-less an added stress.

However much you want to help, getting advice from well meaning friends who haven't been through it is really irritating (trust me I know) and your best bet is to talk to her about the adoption UK stuff others have already given you and then take a step back and be as supportive as you can.

A year post adoption is nothing, especially if her child was over two when placed and she may still be dealing with many issues and very little experienced support.

Good luck, I hope she gets the support she needs as it can be notoriously difficult to access.