No information on new sibling

[MissFenella]

Birth mother has gone on to have 2 children after we adopted. The first child we had lots of info on, told of pregnancy, birth, fostering and adoption. We have met and its all lovely.

We found out about the latest via letterbox from BM, have had nothing from SS and had to repeatedly ask for information including photos which were initially refused because 'there are too many people involved in baby's life'.

Is this the 'new' way of handling full siblings, pretending they do not exist?

At a loss what to do other than keep asking for info.

Views?

Jelly OP said this 'No Idea Boston - in FC still I presume as I was told there was an order in place'

With 2 children adopted in a short space of time it is highly likely that order is an interim care order, or a full care order.

In any case, and not to pry OP any further it is an interesting discussion generally on what we do with our precious children who have to live through this.

I know several families with 10+ siblings involves - all LAC or adopted, none returned to the birth family. All with different levels of contact, some with none.

I think is also depends on the age of the children, and how much they know. Parenting pre-teens who ask for contact is so so different from parenting toddlers who have no idea who is who. Of course a parent of a teenager asking for contact will have a different view than a parent of a newly placed babe or toddler....

Mine aren't babes or toddlers but I do have a view about possible contact based on their particular circumstances.

Yes many birth parents go on to have other children placed permanently - some don't. There's nothing to say a care order will mean permanency planning and unless/until that decision is made I imagine SW will keep things quite light touch and vague. There are lots of very good reasons for that - I think our DC need us to fight their corner so much at times it's easy to loose sight of other children with different circumstances who may not want what we want, and for whom it may simply not be in their best interests.

Sorry - I think if there are specific circumstances sws should say 'there are specific, and confidential, circumstances which mean contact is not best for this child' not vague it up. That's how professionals communicate. And there's no reason to assume that what they have said is code for that - nothing at all.

Research shows that contact is generally best for children. Professionals need a pretty damn good reason not to support that contact IMO. It's not about people not wanting what we want, it's about the best interests of the child.

I agree that there might be children and families for whom contact does not work but OP is not asking for the moon here or overstepping the mark and I don't think that she is in any way wrong to question the very vague information she has had.

well I have had some information which has been a boon to the girls who now feel at ease .

I am writing back as advised on page 1 with what the girls would like to try and at least get letter box into the care plan. Contact is best for my girls, they ask for it and I hope will be a positive experience for their sister - cannot see why it wouldnt be if the adults handle things sensibly.

Mine and my sons Letterbox late probably waiting to add news of starting school. She will be 5 in October. My son has a new partner and is expecting in the next few days, so for the first time I would have some good news, previously replies have been in response to activities reported, comparing to my sons 2,3,4 and 5 year old antics.
My son and his current partner have forbidden me to mention my new Grandchild. The promises made by the adopter in the beginning evaporated, so he feels he owes her nothing. As for the daughter taken from him, if she wants to know about any family she can come looking. Any children he has will learn about their adopted Sister. We have several photos taken with us before she was taken on display.
We as a family don't expect her to come looking. If the adopter decides later to revisit and keep the promises made- my son may also rethink information re his new child. As someone said above- my first Grandchild is not legally part of our family. She has no legal right to know about her birth family past the point of her removal

It's not about what your son owes the adopter, it's about what he owes his genetic child.

The child has to come looking? Because the adults won't engage in contact? So, instead of adults adulting, you're putting it onto the child?

Your genetic grandchild is legally part of another family now, yes, but it's sad if you're washing your hands of her, sad for her. So, no, while there is no 'legal right' over contact, unless it's in the adoption order, it is often in the child's best interests.

That debt was wiped clean the day the adoption order was signed as far as he is concerned.
I continue with LB but only for news of my GD. We have very little happy news to return and of course the bad news of how we feel is not allowed. As for the truth...
As for the genetic part. We were told in no uncertain terms it made no difference. The history of our family and the lies told about us are there for them to share with whom they wish.
I most likely will be dead before she is 18 so I have no hope but will continue. A final letter to be sent by my daughter if I die. Her father was slated and doubts he will be looked for unless the mother is dead. So why does she need to know about a sister she probably will never look for. I don't agree, but legally I cannot share.

"That debt" will never be "wiped clean" for the child.

She needs to know about the sister because unless she knows, she'll never have the option of looking. You're taking away the choice from the child in the future, and turning something the adopters can drop into conversation, into a 'big reveal', which is more damaging for this child.

Letterbox is two way, I'm sure 'legally' you can share the good news of the birth of her sibling. Letterbox is for good news either way.

The reason you can't write to the child saying how awful you feel is because that would be detrimental to the child. And you're the adult, who can manage their feelings. The child needs protection, and needs to feel that you're doing ok without her, so she has permission to do ok, too. That can be really helpful for the child.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic as to how awful you feel, of course you do, anyone would, it's an awful situation.

But it's not the adopter's fault, or the child's, and witholding information as some 'get back' for the fact the child has been sadly removed, doesn't make sense.

I hope the birth of your new grandchild offers some healing.

Its not my child's information to share- so no I cannot tell when asked not to. I totally understand the concept of confidentiality in this context. I have been asked to keep a confidence and it will not cause any immediate danger. So I don't have to tell, even thought I might want to. I rarely have any good news to share.
If my son and his partner change their minds, then that will be when I can share.
As for looking for her sister- if she looks for her father, her sister/siblings will follow. Her sister will know about her and can be added to the Birth Family register when she is 18 if she wants to. The big reveal can't be anywhere near as bad as the abduction if she sees the truth when shown

She may not want to seek out her birth father, but may wish to seek a sibling. By denying her the knowledge, you're denying her the choice.

Confidentiality, regarding children, is in the child's best interests. Not what the adults want, but the best interests of the child.

You're right, her life story may well be upsetting. That's why current practice is away from 'big reveals', and towards life story work throughout her childhood, so she will have her story shared with her. Letterbox is one way that story is shared. Having a sibling is part of her life story, it belongs to her. Just because you haven't sought contact with your sibling doesn't mean she should have that option kept from her.

Letterbox is between you and the adopter. But more of that will be shared as the child grows. It can be really positive, although I can see it's painful for you at the moment.

It will always be painful and its something no adopter can understand. What if the new GD doesn't want it in her best interest? It seems its all about the adopted child

It is all about the adopted child!

If the new grandchild doesn't want contact, they they won't have contact. But if they don't know about each other, then that removes their choice.

Any future children will be more than aware they have a Sister, and they will be made aware of the circumstances of her removal. If they want contact, they will add themselves to any register for that purpose. But when our adopted GD comes looking she will find out her removal was wrong and she has been lied to.Is that in her best interest? We certainly won't lie to protect her parent and the lies she has told.
How many adopters have children harmed more by their removal than their parents. But then we birth families are not ever going to win that argument. Us being the bad guys helps adopters sleep at night

I don't think for a second that birth parents are seen as "the bad guys" and I don't need help to sleep at night. No matter how much our DCs birth mum loved my children - and I know she loved them very much - she couldn't meet their needs and my children are impacted by that every single day. Regardless of how much she lives them she couldn't meet their needs - I don't think she's an awful person and of anything the situation is very sad but the kids needs come first.

Of course children are better with their birth family more often than not, adoption isn't the perfect option for children but it is a very good option for children who can't live with their birth family. It sounds like your situation is complex and I hope you find peace in it somewhere but please don't think folk here have any interest in demonising birth families.

Most adopters prepare their children for the fact that their birth families will have a different view about their removal than the social workers and the judge and other professionals involved. This is one of the things we would cover in life story work and if they wanted a reunion, their social worker would similarly prepare them. IME, birth families don't tend to agree with the reasons for removal and, without trying to minimise your experience, I don't think what you are describing is an unusual situation or that it would be a shocking revelation for your GD to discover you had a different story about her removal. I can tell you are in a lot of pain but I think part of the problem here is you are struggling with the idea that adoption is about the child: not about the adults who think it has been unfair on them or they have somehow hard done by by the adopters. Sometimes we, as adults, have to really squash down our feelings to do what is best for the children.

No information about new sibling. Why should a child removed want contact with them and just be happy with what they have been provided with. The adoption is about giving the child a better chance and protection from their past. Why continue to interfere with their birth parents and family.
While I want the best for my non GD I am not prepared to break a confidence asked of me by my Son and his partner. We have no rights and that right is being demanded of us as well. If my GD wants to know about us find us, find her family she never was allowed to know.
As for differing stories. We can with the use of the medical records back up our 'version' twisted by the social worker to present to the courts via medical experts who missed so much right in front of their nose . A judge who made the most ridiculous medical statements outside her scope. Comments she should have had proof read before publication. But that is something that can never be changed.
The attitude of my son is one borne out of distrust and broken promises. For our non GD adopter give her a good life and don't ask for anything about our future. You won't let us share in yours. We are no threat. If our Non GD wants to know she can come looking