Deflated...and also concerned by SW 'flags'

[howmanyusernames]

I'm at the beginning of the process and am starting to get a bit deflated. I know I need to be patient but am worried we are being left behind because of a merger of 3 adoption services in the region.
We went to the adoption evening, then had to wait a month before a SW came to our house, and it's now been 2 weeks since then.

I called to get an update today and was told because of the merger 'things' are taking longer than normal, plus they've had an influx of applications.
They said they would be sending an ROI in the post on Friday but to NOT sign and send it back until we have called them and checked they can allocate a SW to us - as they have to do this within 5 days apparently (?) and they would struggle to do this?

She also said a couple of things were flagged up from the first visit, 1) our lack of OVERNIGHT childcare experience, and 2) my husbands student debt.

1. I told her on the phone I was meeting a local school tomorrow to sign up to volunteer, which I can start doing once my DBS check is back. 'Great' she says, 'but what about overnight childcare experience?'. It's hard to find friends who need us to look after their children overnight, so will this be a negative for us later on?
   We've looked after friends kids when they've been at weddings until 2am etc, but have then gone home when they get back.

2. My husband has about £15k worth of debt from his Uni days. He earns about £42k, pays some off every month, but not significant amounts. I work for myself, have no debts, own my house which has about £80k equity in it (I had it before we met), and earn £30-60k a year (depending on what I need/want to take out). She said his debt has to be reduced before we (eventually) go to panel, but if it isn't would that effect our chances? I could pay his debt off before panel, but don't want to as it's his debt, but also don't want him having it effect our chances. We go on about 4 holidays a year at the moment, probably costing about £6k (total) which I normally pay for the majority of as I have more of a disposable income, and I've told them this and said that we can save that money once we have a child, but they just seem focused on the amount of his debt.

The other thing (sorry it's so long) is I wonder if we should look at our local authority - current one is out of area (45 min drive). They've said us being out of area is good as means we'd have less chance of 'bumping into' BP family later down the line, but would going to our local one speed things up.....

Thank you for your post mtpaekyu

My husband works in a similar industry so is more used to these frustrations than me, he deals with them every day, and I just have to learn to be patient.

I have just got back from a local school and they are happy for me to volunteer once my DBS is back! I'm really looking forward to it, and will be a tick in that box! My husband takes kids abroad so they're happy with his experience on that front.
I have a friend who adopted her two girls in January but I know she's having a tough time and understandably wouldn't want to leave them overnight. Otherwise I have a friend in the US, but that might be a bit far to go! ☺

Good luck for August!

Have had conversation with husband and said I will pay off his debt (which is actually less than I initially wrote). He has agreed, as we both want this more than anything, but has insisted he'll pay me back. Either way hopefully this won't be an issue down the line for us. ☺

Great. Good luck.

I don't have much advice as I'm just about to begin the assessment but I'm wondering if you're in the same part of England as me as my LA is soon to be merging. I'll send you a PM x

I think it's important to remember that social workers are trying to make sure that people who want to adopt are in the best place possible - physically, emotionally and psychologically - to cope with a rigorous process of assessment, matching, and placement, to cope with the challenges of becoming parents from pretty much a standing start and to put your new child/rens needs first in all of that. That means they will dig about a bit and will express concern about finances, weight loss, work patterns, family history, support systems, child care experience etc etc. It's not about hassling poor people who just want to adopt a child, it's about testing your committment to what is often a long, challenging process - life post placement with traumatised children.

I know I'm in a completely different place now than when I started - physically, work wise, financially, emotionally and am better placed now to put my children first than I was at the start of the process. It threw up things I genuinely thought I had dealt with and shone a light on things I didn't realise I needed to think about.

Try to not get caught up with annoyance at what feels like petty beaurocracy and, yes, tick the boxes but also be open to maybe needing to rethink things, do some work on yourself and your relationship, challenge the bits that feel impossible or just plain silly (e.g. borrowing kids for overnight care). The process can leave you feeling defensive and resentful, it can also give you the opportunity to think about yourself and your relationship from a new and different perspective. it's not an easy process, nor should it be.

Thanks for your words, Jelly, you are right. 😊
I think just the advice in this post gave me a lot to think about, and we hadn't sat down and talked about finances in depth or what our plans were once we have a child. We did that last night though, and talked things over and now have a definite plan in place, which actually feels a lot better than before!
We've been through some tough times together - miscarriage, failed IVF, him living abroad, high court injunction (work related) and me starting a new business - all of which I say my husband was a rock and total support. I know this will be different but also know from what we've been through that we can deal with things together as a team.
Finances will be sorted, we've even talked about childcare once we have a child and can work that between us/together but also have my retired parents (divorced so two separate Grandparents!) 10 mins away if needed.
A month or so ago I had a healthcheck and even though it wasn't horrendous it did say I was slightly overweight (which I kinda knew), so started on SW and am now back in the 'normal' category.
I think this process has already highlighted things I/we need to look into, but in a good way. 😊