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Adoption

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Original poster

Would you wait?

48 replies

whoshallibe · 24/06/2017 13:40

Will try to keep this short. Looking for honest answers as feels like ppl can't say this in real life if they have AC or BC.

We are in our early & mid 30s been together 10years & have great life, own our own home, lots of holidays, social events, love our work etc (not a stealth boast I promise). A few years ago we felt time was right to start a family, turns out we both have fertility issues so were told ivf etc unlikely to work.

So we're now on stage 2 of the adoption process. All going well so far. Except I can't shake this niggly feeling that we are too young!

The more I learn about being adoptive parents, struggles, behavioural issues, attachment, aggression, GDD, FASD, the more I think... ok we know what we're letting ourselves in for & we're still up for it BUT maybe we should enjoy our simple / fun life for a while longer?

I guess my question is, to both birth & adoptive parents, would you wait?

Or despite all the stress & struggles do the good times genuinely outweigh the bad?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 25/06/2017 18:42

Our birth daughter had sleep issues until age 8. Our adopted son came to us with great sleep habits. Things do vary. We are probably unusual in this!

As well as building up sleep bank, declutter! Whether you wait or not, declutter! Just my advice!

Good luck.

mrsm291 · 26/06/2017 08:44

We were 30 and 36 when we decided to adopt. Almost 31 and 37 when our 3 children were placed with us. We are a year in and I am so pleased that we did it when we did. It is EXHAUSTING!
Yes, I agree, that you certainly romanticise a family ideal - we did. And no, it's not like we imagined when we first set out on the process. But they are our family now and we make it work for us.
I also worried that I would 'lose' my husband to the kids, and there is no denying that unless you make time for each other then it could happen, but generally we are closer for the totally shared experiences that we are going through.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster
whoshallibe · 26/06/2017 10:05

Thanks again for your responses. I feel reassured to hear that you all think it's worth it & some of you have even found it's made you closer as a couple. I'm excited & nervous now! Thanks for sharing your stories with me, sounds like you're all doing a great job x

OP posts:
JustHappy3 · 27/06/2017 10:15

Your life is going to change and things you once did will become long distant memories. DH and I deeply mourn our exotic scuba diving holidays, Sunday morning brunch with the papers and impromptu meals out. Theywere great times and we honestly miss them!
Would we swop? Not in a million years.

Birth ds didn't sleep through til nearly 7 years old. Adopted dd needing us at night too. You can't bank sleep in advance sadly you just have to be ruthless (and boring) about maintaining your energy levels cos you never get time to make it up.
Only you know if it's right for you. But in the run up to dd joining us i was terrified. On a brighter note, it's good practice to be able to recognise when you're feeling 2 different ways about something - it'll help you understand the conflicts your dc might go through. And articulating it now to your dh is a good idea - so you both get used to deali g with tricky subjects iyswim. Hope that doesn't sound patronising.

Rainatnight · 27/06/2017 10:57

I'm 42, DP is 47. DD, who's 1, came home earlier this year. I agree with all the stuff about it being knackering but I think that's true at any age (though my back is buggered Grin).

For me personally, this just happens to be the right time in my life relationship-wise, financially, emotionally, etc. It couldn't really have happened any earlier than this.

However, I look at my wonderful DD and wish I'd had this sort of joy in my life earlier. Does that make sense? I sometimes think I'd have had longer joy if I'd done it sooner. But then we wouldn't have had her, so...

The big big disadvantage of being older, it's increasingly dawning on me, is that it's going to make having a second one really hard, and we might have to rule it out.

So I'd say crack on with it...

tldr · 27/06/2017 13:32

It made DH and I closer - we sit whimpering together once the DC are in bed. 😂

(I'm mostly kidding, but I was really worried about that too. It's odd that he's not the most important or the only important person in my life, but both he and me have gotten over it.)

sarahlux · 28/06/2017 22:01

We were young adopters. Me and my other half were 24 when our LO was placed. It has been hard but I really ouldn't imagine doing it when I'm older. It has been completly worth it. Even when we are both exhausted.

Hats off to you all.

user1497036202 · 04/07/2017 16:39

Hi whoshallibe - wanted to quickly reply as me and OH are going through similar and has been something we have been chatting about around are we ready for such a life changing thing but we think we are ready for the challenge! Keen to stay in contact so have someone to talk about the journey with if you are up for it? Have you been to an open evening etc yet? X

Original poster
whoshallibe · 04/07/2017 19:49

Hi User...

Happy to stay in touch though I've no idea how to send PMs (and often wonder how other MNs do so). Do you know how to?

We've started stage 2 now & go to panel in a few months. Where are you in the process?

OP posts:
HaveAWeeNap · 04/07/2017 23:25

I'm 42, DH is 37 and we are two years into placement.
Our DS is 4.
It's incredibly tiring, lots of issues, but the joy outweighs it all.
And, as a previous poster mentioned, our parents are hugely enjoying being grandparents. If we had waited then I'm not so sure how much time they would have left.
I'm sorry to be grim, and depressing, and joyless... but, nobody knows what's around the corner and what life has in store for us and our loved ones.
Go. For. It.
Enjoy.

KateLennard · 05/07/2017 07:50

Just to put another side to it. We have two biological children. DS1 has ASD, ADHD, dyslexia, face blindness, severe anxiety and a few more diagnosis.

With DS2 we have always worried but really thought he didn't have autism, it now turns out he has dyslexia. He is still very young and other things may show up over time, as they did with his brother.

The strain on us as a couple, as parents, on the children as siblings is huge.

We had no reason before we had children to believe that we would be dealing with any of these issues. It turns out there is some family history that no one realised. High functioning autism wasn't diagnosed in that generation.

I think I just wanted to say something about how you never know what might come, if I had known before we had kids I would have said I would never be able to cope. And I often don't cope. But you carry on, you make it work. You develop a depth of knowledge that far outstrips the 'professionals' and the children are amazing (though hard work) and there are definitely good times.

You also simply can't know how it will effect your relationship till you live it. And live it for years and years. It's a huge leap of faith.

My analogy is that when you have children (however and whenever you have them) you write a blank cheque to the universe and it cashes it!

I hope no-one minds me posting here and I haven't offended anyone.

user1497036202 · 05/07/2017 08:37

Yeah I don't know how you PM either?! Do do you know when your panel is and have you had to do workshops? How did you find it?

We have the workshops in October so that will be our next stage x

user1497036202 · 05/07/2017 08:37

Yeah I don't know how you PM either?! Do do you know when your panel is and have you had to do workshops? How did you find it?

We have the workshops in October so that will be our next stage x

user1497036202 · 05/07/2017 08:37

Yeah I don't know how you PM either?! Do do you know when your panel is and have you had to do workshops? How did you find it?

We have the workshops in October so that will be our next stage x

Original poster
whoshallibe · 05/07/2017 12:11

Thanks Haveaweenap I don't think you were being grim, my parents are in their 60's & I think the grandchild / grandparent relationship is one of the most magical, powerful & important. I don't just want my parents to play with little grandchildren, I want them to get to know them as young ppl so I def just need to crack on.

Kate thank you for your honesty too. It sounds like you are doing a tremendous job! Hearing how much you clearly love your dcs is really empowering.

I think until someone paints their reality it's hard to know what life will be like & as other posters have pointed out all children are different.

I feel more ready than ever. I really think the process helps to make sure you think through things & work out what you can / can't handle but hearing everyone's real take on things is even more helpful. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to this 💐💐💐

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/07/2017 12:41

To PM there is a blue banner, with each person's username in it, at the top of their post. The final words are 'message poster' click these and a box will appear addressed to the poster whose name is in the blue banner and from you.

Add a subject and then text like and email and hit send.

Thanks
user1497036202 · 05/07/2017 22:00

That's odd I don't seem to see that blue banner for the PM option - maybe it's my app

Italiangreyhound · 05/07/2017 22:27

If you are on your mobile you should have three blue dots at the bottom of the poster you would like to message. touch those and you get
Report Profile and Top on the left (on top of each other) and PM (little picture of an envelope) reply and bottom.

Click on PM (little picture of an envelope) and you should get the same thing.

Italiangreyhound · 05/07/2017 22:27

and PM (little picture of an envelope) reply and bottom on the left.

Original poster
whoshallibe · 05/07/2017 22:48

I'm sure I'm being stupid but I don't see any dots or an envelope. I can't click on any users names or posts...

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/07/2017 22:57

The dots are at the bottom of the post on my phone. You do not see the envelope until you click on tgem but your phone may be different.

Why not message Mumsnet and ask them how to do it? I will report ny post and see if they reply!

familyloveforever · 05/07/2017 23:28

I have been a parent since the age of 22 and I'm 36 now. I don't feel I've missed out on life so you being in your 30's makes me think do it now so you can continue your life journey and enrich it with a wonderful children. It doesn't mean it's the end of your freedom all together. It's just different. Life changes and you work around things. Being in your 30's means you still have plenty of life left in you Winkgood luck

MNHQ
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