I don't know how I can go on.

[exhaustedmumofone]

Regular poster but have NC for this, will try to be as brief as possible.

Adopted a little girl 11 years ago. She is now 12. From an early age she was extremely hard work, persistent defiance, lying, stealing, oppositional. I tried many different approaches to parenting and muddled through. I became a much firmer parent than I'd ever anticipated and had to put boundaries of steel around her. It worked to a greater degree. This was in the days when the issues around early attachment and trauma weren't widely known. The situation nearly cost me my relationship with my DP and I fell out with a number of family members and friends who saw my parenting as the cause of her problems rather than vice versa.

At around age 7 school finally became concerned and we went to CAMHS. She was diagnosed with attachment difficulties. All the pennies dropped with me and I read everything about therapeutic parenting I could get my hands on. Not one person was able to give a single piece of practical advice. They just told me to keep on doing what I was doing as it seemed to be working.

It has been an extremely difficult battle but by the age of about 10 things calmed down considerably. She and I have a very close relationship most of the time. We spend a lot of time together, she has become an emotionally intelligent girl and we have worked together on helping her to regulate her emotions. We have a lot of fun most of the time and lots of shared interests. I love her very much.

About 6 months ago her behaviour started to plummet (serious illness in a family member, an increasingly dependent parent I care for and adolescence all in the picture so no surprises really). The stealing, lying and defiance have been ramped up. Her attitude is awful, she can manage for a couple of days but then the crap behaviour and attitude return. I'm on my knees with it. I'm physically exhausted, on the brink of sinking back into depression and my blood pressure is high again.

I don't know what to do. I have a partner but we don't live together, not that he can manage her. I have no babysitters as either I'm not confident in them being able to manage her or they won't babysit for fear of false allegations of physical abuse which she used to make regularly.

She's having therapy at the moment and the therapist is aware and trying to work with her. I am paying privately for therapy for myself. But I'm so low and exhausted. The early years were so very hard and I can't believe we're back there. I don't know how to find the energy to continue.

When she was around 7 years old school finally picked up on it. We went

Been thinking about your questions OP. I haven't done 10+ years yet, but I get the spirit of your question: when you have completely poured yourself out, again and again and again, how do you keep doing it? The glib answer is to find some small or large ways of re-filling yourself I suppose, and to face that the "re-filling" may not come from the more usual dynamic of getting things "back" from the relationship you're pouring into. During particularly tough patches I've had some comfort from scheduling regular offload phone calls with a wise and detached friend - so I knew that at X time every week I would have a slot of to dump out all the feelings. This wasn't the same as "phone a friend" because there was no expectation of reciprocity during those calls, they were purely a gift from that friend to listen and hold what I was saying.

The second question, does it help or hide? I hope, on good days, that therapeutic parenting provides "scaffolding" to help LO cope, and that the paper-thin layers and layers of scaffolding will protect LO while I try and teach her to build her own coping strategies, if that makes any sense at all. So in a sense, yes, the protective layers I give her do hide her needs from the world for a while - but I hope it's not forever, because that really wouldn't have helped her. Other adopters just get it, that the afternoon when my LO presents as a sunny uncomplicated child are evidence that I am probably completely wrung out and in need of help. People outside adoption rarely comprehend, and I'm basically too tired to try and get through to them.

B1rd thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this issue and for taking the time to think it through.

The point you make about not getting what we need back from the person we're pouring all our patience and energy is a really pertinent one. It's obvious of course, kids aren't there to attend to adults needs. However I think that having worked so hard over the years and ending up at what feels (at the moment) like square 1 makes me feel incredibly sad, on top of all the exhaustion and anger. Perhaps I felt that after all this work over the years that once I established a strong attachment with it's accompanying love and shared fun etc, that it would stay more consistent. Of course the rational part of me always anticipated adolescence as being a tough time but I wasn't prepared for the grief I feel right now at what feels like the loss of a relationship that was fought tooth and nail for.

I don't really have anyone in my life who truly 'gets it' and who is available to debrief with on a regular basis. But I do have a therapist who specialises in adoption. I'm glad you had a wise person to talk it through with.

I do hope you are right about the scaffolding and I like the way you refer to it as 'paper thin'. I guess that's what we're all hoping for. My daughter had made so much positive progress over the years so the layers and layers of paper thin scaffolding did seem to be doing their job. We only started to have anything that resembles 'normal' family life 2-3 years ago. We still had lying/stealing/defiance but on a miniscule scale compared to previously. This recent deterioration has shocked me, such a massive step backwards. There's little sign of the scaffolding at the moment but I have to believe that it's still in there, somewhere.

OP, I am truly sorry you are feeling like this, but I do suspect that the deterioration in behaviour is not a deterioration of the relationship, but an attempt to try to communicate with you how she is feeling. Does your therapist comment on this?

Has your dc spoken about how she feels about you caring for a parent? That must be very hard for you, and may also feel very threatening for your dc?

Is it possible that something else is happening in your dc's life, away from you, which is affecting her? Has she opened up at all about the change in behaviour, to you or your partner?

It is a shame there isn't a way for you to connect to other people locally to you who are going through the same thing. Do you think one of the open letters referred to above might help people around you to "get" it, such as the school?

I do hope so Stinky, it's in there hiding for some reason. My therapist thinks this may possibly be the normal developmental process of separation from parents and testing boundaries that teens go through. Or, possibly, hopefully, a temporary blip due to other family issues going on at the moment.

Yes we've talked about my other caring duties, I do understand that my DD has struggled with wider family issues of late. I'm a fairly strong and competent parent who she sees as a coping adult most of the time. Issues around my parent's increasing dependency, coupled with us nearly losing a young family member recently has led to my DD seeing me struggle emotionally. I know that has scared her, seeing me like that. Also, I know that my DD hasn't had the usual high amount of time and energy from me in recent months due to being stretched and she relies on that time to keep her 'calm' - her word.

I don't think there's anything else going on for her that she hasn't told me about, but I could be wrong. I do think though that the demands of family life placed on me by wider family, in tandem with hormones, are sufficient reasons to stress her out and catapult her backwards emotionally. I know her well enough to know that stress equals the return of the toddler in our house.

Yes with regard to the open letters. I joined and shall be printing several copies of those letters off.

However, like I said upthread, understanding what's going on and why doesn't furnish me with the resilience and energy that I could really do with right now.

I know what you mean. One slightly off day from me can have far reaching consequences.

In relation to your depleted energy are you one for lying in the sun? I was googling cyprus hotels today and one of the reviews stuck in my mind, something like "the children's activities were amazing, I didn't see my daughter for the whole 2 weeks". Might be just the thing to give you the break? With dp overseeing her health and safety?

No Stinky, I'm very fair and burn in the shade even on hot days! Skint also so no holidays on the horizon. Nice suggestion though.

You are right Olennas are great at school and about, often wanting too impress, be accepted, do well. Then by home time are in melt down their bringing frustrations home (common in fasd children).
I used too facilitate National Adoption support groups forums (now retired) . There sadly is little understanding about secondary conditions
which can effect some children and that is half the strategy just understanding. No solutions just Strategy's

If I were in charge of adoption policy and budgets I'd make respite with a trusted person (previous foster carer maybe) a statutory part of the post adoption support package. To have a built in regular respite available, might be monthly, 3 monthly or only just one week a year, depends on each particular situation, would be so helpful.

Just to know that you could have a break knowing that your child is with someone who knows, understands and cares about them would be wonderful. It would also help with the dark days and weeks. Knowing that a bit of respite is available without the risk of your child thinking they were being sent away as punishment would be more precious than gold.

You have done so well.

DC is so fortunate to have you after that first very bad luck. (You are the winning card hidden in a very bad hand.)

After a series of unusually bad tantrums (age 12) one of mine did tell me that she couldn't act out at school - because it wasn't safe.

Just being steady - you are holding it all together. You are succeeding. It is possible to win here.

Be kind to yourself though -find some form of respite - have a shoulder to lean on (Don't be brave - ask for help) for sake of DC as well.

Thank you goldilox.

I've been watching another thread on here about therapeutic parenting and realistic experiences of parenting traumatised children. I think I mainly manage the 15% quota of getting it right so that's reassuring.

You lot have helped me enormously over the last week or so. Thank you.

This must be so very hard OP. I am so sorry.

Please do not be upset by this suggestion but in your shoes I would see if I could stop caring for the suck relative and for them to be cared for in a home/hospice /home care or whatever.

My mother had dementia and died last year. my sister wanted to care for her at home but it was not realistic and she went into a home, which was the best place for her. They did amazing job.

In your shoes I would also go back to gp, get blood Presque under control (mine is with ramipril and amlpdipine I think! ) and also meds or counselling for depression. Explain to GP too many people are depending on you. if GP Doran't help see another at the practice.

I know it is not much advice but that is what I would do in your shoes. Xxxxx

exhaustedmumofone I meant to say as well that my dd is 12 and has started her periods. She is quite moody and difficult. I am told even a year before the periods start that girls can experience hormones.

We have started giving dd some well teen vitamins which contain vitamin B.

I know it is only a tiny thing but we hope it may help. Our dd (birth child) has autistic tendencies and currently says she has depression. We are talking to the school Senco, the school nurse, the GP and waiting for a CAMHS appointment.

I hope you will get the help you need.

Stay strong.

exhaustedmumofone My dd is being very difficult at the moment. Saying she does not want to be alive etc.

Have you had any issues like this it self harm.

There is a charity calmly Papyrus, which may help.

Also dd has some friendship issues and I wondered for you if this may be relevant, or bullying issues.

Have you read the explosive child? I am just reading it and it is very good.

Thinking of you.

Thank you all, you kept me afloat.

We had about a week and half of calm before grand defiance and stealing started again.

Death by a thousand cuts. I'm digging deep to find the energy.

Oleannas, Bird, where do you find the energy?

I had a great adoption support worker who has now moved on due to agency reorganisation, a child therapist who is about to exceed her financial allowance with us via the ASF. They were the professionals who actually 'got us'.

Where do you go to get your resilience restored?

Well, as per my other thread am struggling with this at the moment! Too tired to remember how to look after myself When I'm really shattered, I eat badly, and everything gets worse, so the first thing for me is to recognise I'm doing that and get some veggies and protein into me (as well as all the sweets!). I have some go-to quick comfort meals that are also nutritious and calming - usually some variant of pasta with tinned tomatoes, chickpeas, onion, garlic and a lot of grated cheese...

Also, when I'm on my knees, I don't want to do anything - it genuinely feels like I can't do anything - but if I go outside, it helps. So even ten minutes in the garden with a cup of tea makes a difference for me.

Making things also helps me, although that can backfire if I get really into it but have to stop because LO needs me, so I have to choose carefully. It's years since I've sewn myself any clothes, but I do some hand patchwork sometimes, a bit of (very bad) knitting, and I've started making rag dolls for LO because she will let me do that as she sees a fairly quick benefit! Of course now she wants to learn to knit...and if she can't master it immediately there are going to be fireworks. Joy.

Sometimes I just need someone to listen, and to agree "yes, it's really hard", and due to geography/timing/life that tends to have to be by phone. Mainly I lean on an old friend whose children have flown the nest, and although she's very busy, she says she has the emotional space to listen to me because she's no longer living it herself, IYSWIM? Our locality does have an adopter buddy scheme, where you're paired up with someone for 10 sessions, who will basically just listen to you and support you. But then after the sessions they move on to support someone else, so it's nice to have but it doesn't boost the support network long-term. I will PM you in case we are anywhere near each other - you never know

Know many know we have children with multiple problems some related too FASD which can effect children in many many ways which is why people read up on FASD and say that fits my child ( often incorrect )
FASD is an umbrella term for lots of conditions. The interventions for FASD and understanding will not harm any child is designed too fit around most conditions.
Are using it at the moment along side resources from Children's brain injury Trust must say with great results so far. Of course along side professionals.
Best understanding is written by Mary Cunningham is mainly about understanding of how the children perceive the world from their perspective and understanding. Is called Reach too teach . can get a free download at www.fasdnetwork.org click under resources see in teaching Click " educational success . Have met and worked with Mary here in the UK is very good.
Will understand why some children explosive at home burn out after school

Have you read the primal wound? American author if I remember correctly but incredibly interesting. I'm myself adopted and struggled hugely with attachment issues through my teenage yeasts. This resulted in various issues and in all honesty I pushed boundaries to the extreme. It took me a long while to resolve these issues, but the mix of teenage hormones and coming to terms with my adoption was a difficult combination. Here if you have any questions x

You lot have helped me more than you'll ever know these last few weeks. Thank you. I'm on a much more even keel now. Won't last I know but that's ok. You've got me through a horrible crisis.

B1rd you've made me think a lot. Thanks for your insight and practical suggestions. I might be further along the journey than you but your wisdom has been much appreciated. And your kindness really touched me.

Sarahlou I might come back to you if that's ok? But even if I don't I'd like to say thank you for your generosity in offering.

Oh lord I'm beginning to sound like an Oscar winner!! Sorry, I'm just resurfacing from a very tough few months. Haven't shouted for 6 days so feeling a little less useless in my therapeutic parenting.

Glad it's (momentarily) better...

I've hooked up informally with a handful of local adopters. We have dinner or wine or coffee once in a while. That's nice just to be able to talk freely about the LO without having to spin it or explain it. I don't know if that's an option for you?

I've just read your posts in more detail and realise that meeting other adopters for coffee isn't going to cut it. Sorry for offering such lame advice.

Wishing you much strength and patience.

Yes, feel free to ask me anything! I know my adoption story will be different somewhat to anyone else's but having been a difficult teenager due to it, know what helped, what didn't and things I did to make matters better or worse. Glad to hear there has been a slight improvement. I can assure you, your a doing everything fine xxx

Have you talked to grown-up adoptees? I saw a program on the telly just the other week. Many are very upset they were adopted, and especially when they grew up, feel thrown into a situation they didn't wish for to happen. I have no personal experience though, grew up with my own parents. Some go back and visit their country of origin. Perhaps this could help, depending on what country it is though as there are countries one cannot go to safely. Is it possible to find the biological mother? In the TV program there was one daughter who now had two mothers, her adopted mother but also a strong bond with the original mother, from south America. The sheer happiness of having this bond was beyond words. Pity the program was not in English, otherwise I would have recommended it.

Fifty, I know that you mean well, but a note of caution about your language and preconceptions when you're on the adoption board. When you say that you grew up with your 'own' parents, we are these children's own parents. Day in, day out, forever. We refer to 'birth parents' when talking about their family of origin.

And, in most cases in UK adoptions these days, it's entirely inappropriate for the child to have direct contact with the birth mother. The child has usually been removed for their own welfare. So 'finding' her won't make things better.

I'm sorry to sound pointy but these boards are an important source of support for adopters, so hope you'll understand.

exhaustedmum hang in there. Six days without shouting is not something I've managed lately