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Livid with school! ... Adopted child with needs being singled out and moved around in class

43 replies

DoveStar42 · 08/03/2017 16:21

My adopted ds is in year 3, has ADHD with ASD traits, and a number of other issues. Although he is medicated, he still has attachment and processing issues and finds peer to peer relationships very difficult.
I have just had a parents evening at school and found out that the teacher has moved him around the class 5 times in the last month, because she said he annoys the other children. She asked me to speak to him about social boundaries as she doesn't want to set up a desk and sit him on his own.

I am pretty sure schools should have a basic understanding of children with ADHD, ASD and adoption, and the difficulties these children face both in classroom environments and their peer to peer relationships. No wonder he is having trouble at school, transitions and change are really tough for him and she is singling him out, embarrassing him and moving him around with no stability.
Does anyone else know what I can do about this, or have any idea how I can challenge this teacher and come up with a better way for her to help my DS?

Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 11/03/2017 13:49

Maybe I am reading anger as aggression. Anger, when it is righteous anger, can be a good motivator.

But it just needs to directed in the right direction.

It feels like it is directed at teacher, at the moment, which may be unfair, IMHO.

DoveStar42 · 11/03/2017 17:56

Thank you everyone, please understand it has been a difficult journey for our family, my little ones medical and social emotional needs have been challenging and his path through education is very hard for him, (he has no friends and finds peer relationships difficult at the best of times). This is not a one off incident as you can imagine there have been daily struggles for years. I have had to be strong and advocate hard for him.

His behaviour at home detreated in the last month and I couldn’t work out why, it was only after parents evening that I finally understood.

He has a real problem with change and we need to be very routine driven at home and flag changes before hand, so he can cope, (school senco is aware of his needs and therefore so should the class teacher as this has been discussed many times. I was naturally upset that even though they were armed with this knowledge he was still being moved around the class, as this would be the worst thing for him with his inability to cope with change). It all sometimes get's on top of me as, but luckily not for long. I was taken aback by the first post (being so blunt, saying I sounded arrogant!) I was not ready for blunt, I was upset that I was not being listened to at school and my son’s needs were not being met.

What I wanted to achieve from posting here I guess was to access some ideas on what to say and what I could bring to the table when I arrange a meeting with teacher and senco. The behaviour he is presenting to the other children is just annoying, things like invading their space, leaning on their chair etc and I completely understand them not wanting to sit by him, but I truly believe he should not have been moved in the first place there are other options (like giving him a wider desk, putting tape on it to mark out boundries etc). Bless him he just wants to be liked, just like the rest of us, he is just not able to do it appropriately at the moment and is too much for most kids. He is not aggressive, just full on. We are working on social boundaries with him, but for him any attention is good right now, negative as well as positive.

I don’t know why people are saying I think the school is the enemy, or that I would be “going in with all guns blazing” “confronting and kicking off at school”. If it is because as conserveisposhforjam suggests I used the word livid, I’m sorry but livid to me means angry and exasperated, which I was, it’s just another thing he is having to cope with on top of an already very full plate. (I have calmed down a bit now though, thanks to some great ideas from this forum and a bit of time). Trust me I would never go into a situation with all guns blazing, it never gets anyone anywhere, I generally vent at home and then get my facts in order then come back calm with a few ideas.

I did however, get upset by the replies I received saying that I sound ridiculously arrogant and closed minded that I should probably home school, that I am focussing on blame and that I am asking the teacher to focus on him in a disproportionate way, oh and that I was “mansplaining” (fyi only a man can accuse a woman of mansplaining lol!). None of which I hope is true and all of which are personal attacks.

All I am asking from the school is for them to be mindful of his unique circumstances and I would like to thank would like to thank everyone who posted here who have been constructive with hehehehehehe, Italiangreyhound, conserveisposhforjam for PoppyStellar, Prettybaffled who’s ideas are great and I will definitely use. This is the very first time I have posted anything to mumsnet by the way so I wasn’t sure how to phrase things or what to expect. I can only apologise once again if I sounded aggressive, it is not my intention but I can only be me.

OP posts:
yesthatistrue · 11/03/2017 19:51

OP I have been through this with a traumatised child rather than an adopted one. We had a meeting similar to the one you have coming up and I wrote out as objectively as I could the problems, what had caused them, proposed strategies. We discussed other things in the meeting but writing it out meant I was calm and focussed and meant i could leave it with them to digest. I also did a lot of work with ds at home, and in terms of helping him with social skills, there are several books out there about helping children make friends, some aimed at children and some at adults. I think if you reassured your teacher that it would be a dual approach with both you and she doing things proactively that would encourage her to work with you. I recommend the book "The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends" by Natalie Elman. It has roleplays you can do at home too. I know it is heartbreaking to see your child lonely and alone but you cannot make other children like him and nor can the teachers - the best thing you can do is to teach him how to behave in a way which will help him make and keep friends, and with repetition and reassurance try to help him to control his behaviour - and you are doing this. The only caveat to all this is that - if you genuinely think that the teacher does not cut the mustard, is too inexperienced or doesn't like your ds for whatever reason, then consider moving. If it is simply that you think they are making mistakes, then it is a matter of working with them. Just ideas - you can take orleave them.

FWIW I thought that don'quix's first response to you was spot on, not at all blunt, but I think that is because I have now been round the houses a few times with these issues at school. At first i would have felt the same as you did in your first post.

Kewcumber · 11/03/2017 19:51

Oh man I feel like waving a bit white flag before I speak! What happened to the days when we gave posters going through a hard time a bit more leeway with their posts than we might otherwise?!

Sheesh!

Anyway, I have a DC similar though with slightly fewer issues than yours and he is currently in year 6.

A teacher who doesn;t handle you child well is frankly a bit of a nightmare and I never found a solution to it however much you bandy about terms like PP+ and attachent theory.

The best advice I can give is to talk to your school SEN manager about whether your child needs TA support (it made a huge HUGE difference to my child), does he have an EHCP? If not why not? HAs he been assessed by the EP? What do they think (and if not why not?) ask the EP to suggest "circle of friends" which can be very effective and also LEgo club which I think someone has mentioned above. They both have pretty good evidence behind them if I'm correct.

Just thinking your teacher is going to leave him in one place if he is disruptive isn't going to happen:

a) because it's not fair on the child next to him if he is disruptive
b) the teacher doesn't have the experience/imagination/patience to find a solution to it and any training you might be able to persuade the school to give them isn;t going to be in time for your DS to benefit from.

So you have to grasp the mettle and start suggesting solutions yourself.

First step - get a meeting in the diary with the SEN manager.

Good luck and chin up, it does go through patches of being easier!

comehomemax · 11/03/2017 20:06

OP, I would be upset (and probably livid with an exclamation mark too) in your situation. I agree, moving him about won't help and your priority is your child's needs.
I'm with Kew - start with the senco - at the very least, you will get a feel for the schools ethos and culture where support is needed. Hopefully they will step up, but if not, it tells you what you might be up against longer-term.

I think education is a minefield for adopters and I'm glad A UK amongst others has tried to put pressure to improve awareness in this area.

tldr · 11/03/2017 20:39

Op, fwiw, if I was you I'd have fled this thread and never come back so I take my hat off to you.

Flowers because it's seems like you need them and Wine because it's Saturday.

conserveisposhforjam · 11/03/2017 20:50

I was LIVID!! with dd's school two weeks ago. I told dh how FUCKING LIVID!! I was and then called them up and patiently asked them how we could best plan for situations like the one they had just TOTALLY FUCKED UP DESPITE HAVING VERY TOLD SO MANY FUCKING TIMES HOW IMPORTANT IT IS THAT THEY GET THIS ONE THING RIGHT.

And then the head called me to apologise and I did my best smiley voice and said it wasn't that dd needed anyone to apologise to me as I was a big girl and it's about her, not me but perhaps we needed a better plan in place?

So no problem here with the lividity Smile

And welcome Smile please don't be put off - we're really nice although we don't normally listen to anyone whose experience of adoption extends to 'there's an annoying adopted child in my child's class'

Italiangreyhound · 11/03/2017 21:17

Dove* I am really sorry if the word aggressive upset you. It was not my intention. For what it is worth I can totally understand why you would feel angry! And you do not sound arrogant at all.

I was just worried how it would all pan out with school! There is so little to go on in an opening post. You sound 100% a kind and caring mum with a lot on her plate.

Are there any local support charities that can help? Either by giving you space to talk and ideas, or by actually going in and running a workshop with school.

The bigger desk sounds a good idea, and the tape for boundaries sounds good.

This may be way off base but can you find a way to explain boundaries that works for your son. My son loved Thomas the tank engine, it might be appropriate to go for an older version of trains or real trains (but only if he is into trains!).

Then you could use illustration s of staying on the tracks, and the boundaries that go with trains e.g. stopping in the stations etc.

I have no idea if this might be a bad idea/stressful/boring/ too much pressure etc, so do talk to someone more knowledgeable than me!

Just an idea.

Glad you came back, you have been on my mind!

Flowers
Italiangreyhound · 11/03/2017 21:26

conserveisposhforjam I want to see your smiley voice ! If it were a jam, what would it be! Mine would be cloud berry jam from Sweden.

My dd is not adopted (ds is) and she struggled greatly at school. I never got really angry enough! I did not know the full story. Dr hid it from me as she was afraid I would move her.

If the school really cannot cope I would consider moving him but make sure they cannot cope first. Smile I really hope they can!

PoppyStellar · 11/03/2017 21:28

No need to apologise dove and I get the feeling 'livid' bit totally.

I had a v similar experience to conserve with my DD's school recently. I reckon we've all been there.

conserveisposhforjam · 11/03/2017 22:42

I quite like a classic strawberry Italian but I have been known to branch out into a plum... not really bothered as long as it's on a scone on top of a shed load of clotted cream Grin

conserveisposhforjam · 11/03/2017 22:46

Hope everything is ok poppystellar?

The thing is I know teachers are overworked. It's VERY easy to revert to business as usual and that is why we have to keep advocating for our kids, nudging the professionals, reminding them about what they need to do etc. The squeaky wheel gets the oil...

And we make allowances for children who are different. My bc sits next to the child who is different in her class. I know she's being used as a buffer. But his behaviour is far harder for him to deal with 24/7 than it is for her for a few hours for a term.

Chillywhippet · 11/03/2017 23:00

Dove if you want some concrete suggestions as to what schools might do to help children with ADHD/ASD with social and peer stuff you could also ask on SN kids board in the special needs topic.

Good luck.

PoppyStellar · 12/03/2017 00:43

Thanks conserve, all is generally ok. School are usually pretty good but needed a not-so-gentle reminder about emotional resilience (or rather DD's lack of it), despite this being a conversation we've had many many times before.

bostonkremekrazy · 12/03/2017 22:14

my dc's school tried this - dc was moved i think 2-3 times in 1 week - but to be fair a couple of other children were moved also for their behavior (mostly chatty girls)
i went in and spoke with them....agreed that dc is annoying for the other kids...(OP like yours dc invades space, talks too much, prods, calls out etc....) then reminded school that it was inappropriate for dc to be moved and that behavior had to be managed. DC has 1-1 for this very reason and i won't tolerate dc being moved all around the classroom because the teacher and a ta cannot manage.
I was polite, smiley etc....but I will not compromise on this. DC needs consistency, boundaries and gentle reminding that doing x, y, z in the classroom is not ok. How else are they ever going to learn if they just keep getting moved?

DoveStar42 · 13/03/2017 13:59

Wow, I am so please I kept reading. Thank you all so much, now it's a case of speaking to the school with your excellent ideas.

I am glad I'm not alone guys, PoppyStellar, I think emotional resilience .. or lack there of is a great route in. Bostonkremekrazy .. yep I totally understand. I think I'll keep to page two on this thread as you all have helped, made me smile and clearly understand the trials supporting your children through education, SEN or not Smile. I agree that home work on this is essential too. Loving the Lego club idea btw.

OP posts:
bostonkremekrazy · 13/03/2017 14:41

dove for the most part we are a very friendly bunch on this board.....you had a random rough start.
hang out for a bit...its not normally this tricky :)

Italiangreyhound · 13/03/2017 17:36

bostonkremekrazy excellent posts and yes, these treads are usually very kind and supportive.

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