What kind of contact did you agree to?

[Rainatnight]

We were happy to sign up to straightforward letterbox contact with our LO's BPs. Today, her SW visited with new forms to do with contact, asking if we'd accept photographs from BPs, drawings from siblings, etc. These were all things we hadn't heard of before and therefore hadn't really thought through what our position was on them.

SW was really quite rude (she is, anyway) and made us feel as though we were being difficult for wanting to think about it.

I wanted to ask other people what you do? What do you think is beneficial to LO? What's 'usual'?

I'd be very very wary of sending photos , they can end up all over social media with pleas to " find my child " .

Remember that your first concern is the best interest of your child.

Social workers first concern is keeping the birth family off her back.

@Italian. You are (as usual) quite right to suggest that a calm and sensible approach is best. A formal complaint would definitely be unproductive and unnecessary.

I am suggesting speaking to the SW and discussing the problems. Making the IRO aware is good practice, their job is to provide external checks on the decisions made. OP has said that SW is regularly rude and its clear they don't feel listened to. Getting contact right is important and I don't think just leaving it until after AO is a good idea. I've found polite, positive persistence works eventually and doesn't need to be confrontational.

@The people suggesting that sending photos is OK: remember that this is a removal at birth (so at the mo BF don't know what child looks like) and panel have suggested that even photos to siblings carries unacceptable risk. Obviously we don't know details but sending identifying photo's is a fairly irreversible decision.

That is not to say that sending photos is never OK, or that contact can't evolve. I'm just suggesting caution is much wiser at this stage.

donquixotedelamancha "I've found polite, positive persistence works eventually and doesn't need to be confrontational." Great advice.

Definitely caution re photos received. Photos have proved so far fine for us, but I did have reasons to suppose it would be OK.

Also our little one's birth family were having contact with him until he came to us so they did know what he looked like (handsome, of course!).

Definitely caution re photos received sent to birth family I meant!

Hi

I've agreed to letter box twice a year to birth parents and another family member.

I agreed to send some of DS artwork and foot and handprints. My SW said absolutely no to pictures, as Kr1stina said they can be used to search for DC online. BF never offered to send any. BF live about a ten minute drive away so even if SW had suggested photos I would have fought against it.

DS was about to turn 2 when we became a family (now 3) so I expect the art and prints will continue for another few years then will have a rethink based on DS and what he wants to do.

No siblings to consider at the moment but should that change I would be more than willing to do letter box and face to face if safe (and they were also adopted).

I may get flamed here for saying this but I did search out BM and BD on social media (under a fake account I had set up) in order to get some pics of them. SS had one fuzzy pic of BM and nothing of BD, I got the pictures and shut down my fake account and haven't looked at them since. I did this mainly for DS so he would know what they looked like and who he looked like but also for myself, due to the very short distance between us I was starting to get paranoid whenever I was in our shared city centre when I caught anyone looking at us, DS had regular contact with BF right up to and during our intros so he would still be instantly recognisable to them whereas I didn't have a clue what they looked like.

If I don't get any responses to my next letter I will be dropping it to once a year, it's hard to know what to say twice a year when he's a) so young and b) they aren't asking any questions.

We have LB once a year to BPs and BF members who have sibs. We were advised no photos because of the risk of tracing. We have been sent photos but were called by the LB people to say they'd received them and ask if we wished to have them.

Bear in mind that LB isn't a legal agreement though. Key here is that it can be changed at any time... So if you feel the SW is being too pushy then nod, smile and - once the AO goes through - speak to LB and say that you're not comfortable with photos now you've thought about it (risk of tracing as above) and would like to change what you're doing.

OP full disclosure - adopted person here. And closed. I have always wondered how I would have felt in the case of some limited contact with BF; what would be disruptive and what valued.

I think one of the big issues I would also have with what has been suggested by your SW is it's actually a lot to maintain. The risk of disappointment and frustration appears very high. A little one looking back on a letter every year, done consistently, might well be better than interest early on and then...nothing. From what the others have said, they still might not manage that. Your DC may ask you questions about what they COULD have done if they wanted to. I would want my parents to be able to answer truthfully. And a list of well intentioned things nobody ever followed up on wouldn't feel very nice.

I would be telling the social worker I was worried about the social media etc risks that photos bring - Kr1stina is spot on- but also that I think it's better to commit to something more simple (biannual letters) and 'take it from there'. You may never do that.

Just to say the photos we as d are viewed at a contact centre.

Also we do not tell our son a letter has come from birth family, just to avoid disappointment if it does not come. We drop bits of info into family conversation and it is not a secret we write. He just Doran't seem that interested but I do mention birth parents occasionally.

Send not as d!

Thank you all very much, for taking the time to post your really thoughtful replies.
For clarity, the AO has not yet gone through, so we're not yet legal parents, something that's been slightly used against us by SS in these discussions.

We've ended up going with FuckSakeSusan's way. We've nodded (without smiling) and agreed and once we're the legal parents, we will take a view on what is right. There's more to it and the whole thing has been quite upsetting (I cried buckets the night we signed the agreement, probably all the emotion of the past few months coming out) but this felt like the best way to being all the unpleasantness with the LA to an end.

Of course, we'll be respectful about anything we receive and will only share what's appropriate to LO's age etc.

"For clarity, the AO has not yet gone through, so we're not yet legal parents, something that's been slightly used against us by SS in these discussions. "

You are her parents in every meaningful sense, let no one tell you different. I think you've been more patient than I'd have been- I'd have strong words for any SW who didn't respect that the long term decisions about my DDs wellbeing are ours to make.

So sorry this has been such a hard time. In reality you are under no obligation to agree to excessive contact before the AO, but I know that gnawing uncertainty, and if going along with it for now is best for you, then do so. If you do want to change the contact arrangement post AO for your daughter (in every sense by then) its your absolute right.

If you've been pressured to accept something you aren't comfortable with then I think you should write to SS and explain the circumstances after the AO. There will be mechanisms in place that should (yeah I know they might not) allow the department to learn from the errors.

One thing we were advised by our SW, which may or may not be helpful, is that if we receive anything that we don't feel is appropriate to share at that time to write our own letter to LO & put it away with the said item. eg Dear LO, we've received this letter on 19th March 2017 but some of the things that are included we thought may upset and confuse you right now, so we're keeping it safe until ...

A contact agreement isn't legally binding and either party can change their minds at any time. You will have seen on other threads that birth family members more often than not withdraw from their part in an agreement. Also social services frequently don't carry out their part as they have agreed.

It's only legally binding if it's written into the adoption order ( which is incredibly rare ).

Rain sorry this has been stressful. Honestly it will pale into insignificance as times goes on. I felt very cross the social worked talked us into keeping ds's middle name. Now I am glad I did. But actually, it is of so little meaning to ds and if he later chose to change it by deedpole I would say, your choice son (assuming he was an adult or almost an adult!).

These things will slip away. You've done the Penguins of Madagascar smile and wave, now do an Elsa.... let it go, for now, and when the time comes for a letter or whatever, see what feels right for your situation.

Thank you all so much.

donquixote, I've been more patient than I usually would be too. In other areas of my life, I'm actually quite a tough negotiator!

I may indeed consider raising a concern once the AO is through.

itsbeenaverylongweek Thanks, that's a great idea.

Italian The Elsa approach is exactly right.