Telling people versus privacy for LO

[Rainatnight]

I'd be really grateful for advice from you wise people. We're going through matching at the moment and I'm likely to be going on adoption leave at end Jan. I've been giving some thought to the issue of telling people.

In general, as far as LO herself goes, we'll follow the principle of 'need to know' basis only. I've learned a lot from reading threads on here, and found Italian in particularly very thoughtful and insightful on this issue.

But there are two particular scenarios I'm a bit stuck on.

The first is whether to tell my wider working world that I'm specifically going on adoption leave. I'm reasonably senior in what I do, and have a lot of contacts in other organisations, who will all need to be told I'm going, and what the plans are for my replacement etc. What's worrying me is that if I say to all of them that I'm going on adoption leave, then that's a lot of people who will know that LO is adopted. And while it's obviously not a secret, she may not want so many people knowing when she grows up.

What do you think? I'm really happy to be told I'm over thinking this!

The second is more straightforward. We live on a road in London that's unusually sociable - everyone knows everyone else's business and the community revolves around a particularly corner shop. If we just show up on our street with a baby one day, it will be noticeable! So I think we're obviously going to have to tell everyone, but then again, I worry about LO's privacy.

Thank you for reading if you've got this far in my rambles . I'd appreciate any thoughts.

Thanks so much everyone for all of your good advice, it's so useful to see so many other experiences.

Crazy I'm so sorry that happened to you. Very badly handled.

I think the consensus is that it's sensible to be open about the fact of the adoption but to say nothing about the details (which I would have done anyway).

On my work worry, I think Italian has hit the nail on the head when she says 'perfectly pleasant adults they'll never see'. I think I might have been over thinking that one.

gabsdot When I said need to know, I meant for the people around her, not for herself. So if, say, the GP needed to know something about her adoption relevant to any medical issues then we'd tell, but not anyone else, if that makes sense. With regards to LO herself, we'd plan to follow what everyone else describes, age-appropriate openness.

Though really interesting (and sad) to hear of the complexities that can bring, from iwantedaSindy. I'm so sorry, and thank you for explaining that. Can the school not do anything else?

Hi Rain, school are good when made aware but there's a lot of snidey and provocative comments from other kids that, to be honest, are hard to police. So things such as calling AC by their previous name as a wind up is happening again at the moment. When it's loads of different kids doing it at different times it's impossible to get school staff to address every child on every occasion.

But as I said before, you give your child the info early on and they don't have the maturity or insight to understand how revealing their personal info might impact upon them, in a negative way. As we've always told our AD, adoption is a common thing and nothing to feel ashamed of, they had no idea that this info might be used against them.

But what, really, is the alternative?

Anyone else with older kids had a similar experience to ours?

Rain hope this thread has helped. But I must just clarify I didn't think things through at work greatly. Had I been given the choice to say officially I was going on leave or sabbatical and not adoption leave, I may have taken it and now I would be even more inclined to do this.

IwantedaSindywardrobe I am so sorry your son is experiencing name calling etc.

It is a shame your son told people. It's led to some difficulties but as you explained that is how he was, how he chose to be.

Perhaps helping him to be empowered and not bothered too much by the use of his former name. I would probably tell him to completely ignore it. I mean if he doesn't answer, if he blanks it, what can they do?

However, the teacher should be listening out and pulling up any kids who use it. Personally I would ask the school how they will tackle the name calling. If the children are calling your son any name other than his legal name or his usually-used class name, it is not acceptable.

If the kids were using a racist slur name would the school say there was nothing they could do? If the children were calling the teacher a rude name, would the school say there was nothing they could do?

So I'd say for your son, encourage him to ignore but the teacher to tackle this. Just my thoughts!

Re "... you give your child the info early on and they don't have the maturity or insight to understand how revealing their personal info might impact upon them, in a negative way. As we've always told our AD, adoption is a common thing and nothing to feel ashamed of, they had no idea that this info might be used against them."

Although I have always been totally honest, age appropriate, with ds I did explain when he started school that if he talked about us not being his birth parents other kids may ask questions or not understand etc.

I said it was private, but not a secret. I am lucky in that, as far as I know, he has not told others himself.

This does not mean (I hope) he is ashamed or embarrassed about adoption. In fact we did start talking in the car with a friend and openly talked about the birth of my dd (birth dd) and our son. He was happy to talk about it with a mutual friend who knows he is adopted in the car that day and showed no signs of shame or embarrassment.

Italian That's interesting. Can you say any more about why you feel that now?

IwantedaSindywardrobe That sounds incredibly tough. Do you think there might be an argument for moving schools, for a fresh start?

I've told my kids that some people ( children and adults ) don't know much about adoption so sometimes they might ask stupid questions or make rude comments. And that these comments can be hard for adults to handle, let alone kids.

So if they dicusss their pasts with a lot of people, they may get some of these comments and that can be very tough. So we advise the to think carefully about who they tell and what they say. Because once it's out there you can't take it back.

We try to empathise that this is about other people's attitudes and issues and not about them. We talk about how this is the same for anyone if their family is seen as a bit different e.g. Two mums, asylum seekers, kids who live with their grandparents, families affected by disability.

So they are not responsible for other people's ignorance /bigotry but sadly they have to deal with it. And in settings when we are not there to protect them.

Totally agree with Kristina.

Rainatnight "Italian That's interesting. Can you say any more about why you feel that now?"

I think the reason I feel like that way is because, we are a few months short of three years being our son's parents and it really sholdn't matter to anyone else how he came to be in our family.

Any issues or behaviour he has could easily be part of any child. Our own birth dd has exhibited some of the same behaviour in a similar way!

The issue for me is being adopted always has a story to it, in a way being black or Jewish or Christian does not. No one in their right mind now would probe a black British person about where exactly in Africa or the West Indies their grandparents came from! But an otherwise professional person has asked me about our son's past. She didn't say 'what's the gossip' but that is how I felt. I brushed it off and she never asked again.

So I think the importance for me is 'need to know', if people do not need to know I don't need to tell them.

My in office work colleagues would have known I was not pregnant but anyone outside the organisation would not. So with hindsight the organisation's official line (I work with the public so 'outside' people might have tried to contact me) could have been 'maternity leave' or 'sabbatical' or just 'leave'.

That (with hindsight) could have been better, I now think.

But each to their own, hindsight is 20/20!

Ah yes, now I understand. The tricky thing is that I see my wider contacts in person very frequently so they know I'm not pg. I'm in a same sex relationship so I could let people think she was pg! I'll keep thinking.

Rain people who know you are not pregnant know it anyway. Having it as officially "adoption" confirms for them what is going on. And also tells people who do not know you personally, but are connected to your company, what you are doing.

If your dp was pregnant would you want to discuss it with work colleagues? Would you expect "How did you manage to get one of you pregnant?" At the water cooler! (I mean discussing it at the water cooler!)

Probably not.

So why should they all know the details of your personal family development plan?

In your shoesI would talk to your boss before any announcements are made and see what you could say then decide what you will say.

I did not do this because I liked to be up front, but upfront about 'me' changed once a child was in the equation. I had treatment with donor eggs before we adopted treatment unsuccessfully). Told about 50 people, I think! Why! I had a kind of overneed to share. Had a baby been born that way loads of people would have known. I think I was wrong , now, to be so open! Our dd is our birth child born by IUI, I don't feel the need to tell people how she was consieved.