Will the hurt from family rejection over us adopting ever get easier?

[Stevemcqueenlikesbeans]

An update on a post I made earlier in the year - I can't find the original link

my sister's (my only sibling) boyfriend had rejected my AD as he "finds ALL THIS (sister waves in direction of 9 month old AD) too difficult". They are childless, he wouldn't consider adoption as "couldn't love a child that wasn't his" and his niece was removed from his sister at birth due to her mental health (sister and boyfriend declined his sister begging them to adopt her child and have not had any contact with his niece since she was adopted around 10 years ago. The way my sister tells it, they felt it was unfair of his sister to even ask them).

Since adopting her almost 2 years ago he hasn't visited our house (my sister visited briefly once alone).

He didn't turn up to a xmas meet up last year (date and location chosen by my sister, just a brief coffee at half way point but apparently he needed to go shopping for a shirt for a night out). Previously we've always spent xmas or at least a day over xmas together with our parents and my children, big lunch, walk, party games and tea etc)

They did make it to AD's christening in the summer, but I'm not sure they interacted with AD and I think only attended because it would have been obviously odd (to the wider family and our parents) not to.

Since then, nothing, apart from xmas card this week saying "sorry we're unable to come to you on Boxing Day, thanks for the invitation, we hope you have a nice xmas".

They live half an hour away. I have no idea what my poor parents think (they're joining us for Boxing Day and will see my sister and her boyfriend a few days later. We haven't been invited).

I can't help it. I'm so hurt. Will I ever get over this? Does it get easier? BD (6) can't even remember her Aunt's name.. Just so sad that our relationship is over.

And the answer to the question about will the hurt over the rejection ever go away -the answer is yes and no.

Just like your child's hurt over being rejected by her whole birth family will never go away. Yes, explanations and understanding help. But the hurt and pain is still there.

Except your DD was a baby who was rejected by everyone in her family . You are an adult rejected by your arse of a BIL and your weak sister. You still have all the rest of your family . And you still have some contact with your sister .

I'm NOT saying that you don't get to be hurt or angry . You do. It's shit.

But you also get a tiny insight into the loss that your DD has suffered . And why just " knowing the facts " and having a life story book isn't enough to make the pain go away.

They've been involved in my two BC's lives so it would be hard to use the finding it difficult that we have children excuse. I'll find it easier later if it comes up and yes Italian I think you're right. I'm probably imagining more of an issue than it will be for my kids who probably will accept it as how things are.

I no longer have any contact with my sister other than the xmas card.

Kr1stina yes he did let down his whole family. I tried not to judge before but now I see it is the case (and my sister too) and DH and I are so different to them and would have moved mountains to keep our niece in their situation. So we are worlds apart and I take comfort from that (strangely!). Thank you for putting it that way.

99% of my hurt is on my AD's behalf. She will/has have/had enough to deal with, without her adoptive family's rejection. Grr. But in parallel I feel the rejection of our little family as a whole as we (myself, DH and 3 children) are "one".

I feel a bit better today, thanks to your support and insight. No one in RL can get their heads around it.

I don't see it as an excuse. It's the truth. They are finding it difficult to see how much you love her.

I think this is a massive rejection of your children (all of them) and of you and your dh, not just a rejection of your dd. You might be doing her a disservice thinking of the as a rejection of her - she's the catalyst but she's definitely not the problem. I hope this makes sense. You need to frame it for yourself in that way so that if/when it does come up you can give her 'the truth' iyswim?

Maybe someone could translate that for me? I'm not sure I've expressed it very well!

You expressed it perfectly. You're right because we're a family and they've rejected all of us. Their loss. But also my parents (late 70's) who are unlikely to have their daughters together again.

And AD is not the 'reason'. They're the reason. Their poor choices and the mess/consequences/fallout from a tragic past experience which they have failed to learn from or turn into a positive (and had the potential to have a special connection with our AD because of it). Wouldn't you think that this child coming into your family could be your chance to emotionally 'right ' some wrongs?

I agree, they are not rejecting your adopted child particularly . It's really you and your DH that they feel bad about because you have done something that they perhaps feel they should done. You remind them of their own ( perhaps poor) choice which I guess they regret but don't have the insight or emotional maturity to deal with.

It's totally bollocks that they are anti adoption, that's just a a stupid excuse. That's like saying you are against disability to parents with a disabled child.

No one is PRO adoption. Everyone thinks that the best thing for every child is to be born into a family who love them and can care well for them . Adoption is a humane response for the times when this doesn't happen, because we live in an imperfect world . The alternative is children's homes, which I assume your BIL is not arguing for. Or the situation in Ireland, where children are stuck in foster care for their whole childhood.

He's not making a political or ideological statement , he's just trying to cover up his own inadequacies.

And don't be upset for your DD because she will never know or care. You will just say that you don't see them much /you are not close . Please don't tell her that it's anything to do with her because it's not. It's to do with them and their issues .

Everyone I know has parts of their family that they rarely see. Your kids will just accept things the way they are, family come in all shapes and sizes. It's no big deal to your kids .

You are allowed to be angry and hurt, they have behaved very shabbily. Im sure your elderly parents are mystified and disappointed

Steve I've been thinking about your situatin and musing on it. If my thoughts are unhelful, please, please ignore me!

Re "They've been involved in my two BC's lives so it would be hard to use the finding it difficult that we have children excuse." OK good point.

It may seem very clear to us bods on the internet dicussing the situation and maybe one day the fact your distant sister's husband's sister's child was taken into care may come to light but even then I am not sure I would want to explain all this to a child, even an adult child. I am very much pro telling children the truth, in an age approriate way, but in this case we are not just dealing in cold hard facts but in what we are extrapolatihng from this.

Also, I totally agree with you, "...AD is not the 'reason'. They're the reason."

They are truely behaving in a very bad way but that really is their choice and I do feel very sorry for you all because it is a shit situation but no way your dd's doing, or that of the other children, of course.

You say "Wouldn't you think that this child coming into your family could be your chance to emotionally 'right ' some wrongs?"

I am not sure it is possible to right the wrong, if that was a wrong, and to love your child out of guilt for their own 'failings' would not necessarily be right either. They 'should' love her as one of your children, but they cannot.

However, Steve I am not sure I agree when you say "...yes he did let down his whole family. I tried not to judge before but now I see it is the case (and my sister too) and DH and I are so different to them and would have moved mountains to keep our niece in their situation."

Like you, I would have adopted a nephew or neice in a heartbeat. I love kids and I see the benefits (both ways) of adoption. But I know we are not necessarily in the majority. I have heard a few people tell me their partners or husbands 'could not adopt', for whatever reason. I say this because I do not think judging them for this will be of help in the long run to you.

Hopefully their neice was adopted by a lovely family and is happy. I really do not feel anyone should be made to feel guilty for not adopting a child, even though I do think it would be the 'right' thing to do.

As Kristina says he can't admit "...that he made the best decision at the time but now regrets it. Or that it was a diffcult choice." These are the things he and your sister will need to work out, or run from, as they are. You can either choose to accept the situation or mentally fight it. In the long run, a degree of acceptance on your part may make this easier for you (just my opinion). We can (I believe) choose how we will respond to some things.

For me the area where they can be 'judged' is in how they are now both behaving towards you and by extension your children and husband, and parents! We cannot force people to like us or be around us, and your sister does seem to have thrown her lot in with her husband in a really damaging way, but that is her choice.

I think painful as it is you will need to distance yourself emotionally from her, but I would always leave the door open. This sounds awfully morbid but there may come a time one day when she reaches out to you. Their marriage may break up or he may die. How awful to say that, but one day you may resume some semblance of a sister-sister relationship. But she will not be able to pick up being your children's aunt in the same way, and that is her choice.