Shit parent

[mindmush]

I am a shit parent. I thought I loved being a mum, and it turns out I do, when I spend half my life at work. DS is 7 weeks into placement, and he's wonderful and funny, and gorgeous, but I am so bored. I do love him. But I really miss work. I'm used to being very busy, but due to work, I am used to outsourcing the domestic tasks.Now I'm on leave, I can't afford to do that, and I hate it. I think I'm actually a man- I like to go to work, come in, play with the kids and be all fun, while someone else does the dusting. I do only work part time, but in a busy, high responsibility job, that forms a large part of my identity.

DS is nearly 2, but cannot cope with going to groups yet, and there is little suitable around here. I am going slowly mad in the house.

I'm trying to break the day into chunks- floor play time, activity, nappy change, song time, lunch, nap, then stories, etc, to try and break the monotony. And that helped for a couple of days. But I can't do just this for months. I feel overwhelmed by the monotony of my days.

I have an older BS, and I really miss him. He and DS are besotted with each other, which is great, but I miss time with my big boy. I wouldn't change having DS, this is what I always wanted, and at last we feel like a real family, but I'm a single adopter, and I feel guilty that DS isn't getting as much 1-1 time as I'd planned, although some of this is because he has his own life, and is busy with his hobbies.

Can anyone give me ideas of what to do with DS in the day? Particularly on rainy days? I know we need to build attachment, and I feel guilty I'm not doing enough attachment focused play. The HV etc just suggest 'getting out to some toddler groups', as if DS being overstimulated and losing his delicate attachment to me in a crowded atmosphere is a good thing. The HV said 'oh, but you need to look after yourself', but I can't relax and chat when I know DS is like a swan- doing fine on the surface, but distressed and struggling underneath.

How do stay at home parents do it? DS attending nursery just now is unthinkable. He needs to learn to rely on his new mamma, and I want this time with him, I really do. I just feel as bleak as the weather about actually surviving this time without losing my sanity. Help! Please?

Also look up post adoption depression - it's quite common, counselling and/or anti depressants can help. But it can also be plain stress! Hang on in...

Thank you for being nice.

I don't have depression, I'm just naturally a narky sort. I have a physical medical problem that has led to depressive symptoms in the past, and so I feel like I would know if it was depression, rather than a severe case of the grumps.

I am feeling better after sharing.

I will practice my response- "I can't talk about that" is probably the simplest and easiest, and will shut down most conversations. I find it very hard carrying all the story, and while I know I mustn't share, it does feel like a big weight, that I can't tell anyone else in the world. I think it must be easier when there is two of you.

I will ask for more support, and try and get out every day. I've remembered why we don't swim as much as I thought we would- it requires at 40mile round trip, as our local pool has no sessions in the day suitable, which is rubbish. (Yes, I had a moan, unless I sign up for lessons in a group, there are no sessions.)

Almost half term!

I'm narky too - you're not alone! And yes, roll on half term.

I know what you mean about carrying the weight. It is hard and I have found myself sharing more than I ever thought I would. Whilst I would agree that it's not our story to tell and you don't want or need to blurt it out to all and sundry I've found that as a single adopter it has been almost impossible not to share the fact that DD is adopted. As a single person suddenly rocking up with a toddler in tow it was a heck of a sight easier to say yes I've adopted DD than to try and ward off speculation as to why you are a single parent. I don't share DDs 'story' because it's not mine to tell but considerably more people know she's adopted than I ever thought would be the case.

In my case though I know I've been very fortunate as sharing the fact DD is adopted with one parent subsequently led to me being introduced to a whole load of lovely local adopters that I would otherwise not have known about.

Oh god the boredom! I felt crippled by it some days. You've had great advice already, but a few other suggestions...

Is there a zoo or other annual family pass you could buy for just the two of you to have trips out? National trust, whatever, but the coffee and cake are good and they tend to be quiet during term time, and are child friendly.
Similarly with garden centres.

Def find other adopters, they generally get it, and will become a lifeline. Contact your local LA and ask to speak to the SW team.

Adoption uk offer a buddy system, I never used it but I've heard it's good.

Church groups round here we're great, and our local church even started a new group for adopters and foster carers. We're not very religious but even now on rainy Sunday mornings it gets is out of the house for a few hours.

Def lean on your support network. No one can or should sustain feeling couped up like you are for long. I felt like it was a form of imprisonment, but like a pp my eagerness to get the attachment right left me feeling depressed and anxious. I'm not prone to depression at all, but you (general you) need to find a balance betweek forming attachment without losing your sanity.

Big respect (I don't do emoticons) it's bloody hard, but from what you've written you're not shit, just human.

Sorry for typos btw

My sure start centre has small play groups that you had to be referred into. There were only about 5 other kids at each session and tended to be for those needing a little more support, it was mainly birth parents who were struggling but I met another adoptor there and we remain friends a year later. Groups were small enough that DS (almost 2 when we became a family) wasn't overwhelmed and I was referred in by health visitor. Soft play was also a life saver, I would get stuck in with him, maybe one out of town so you didn't see anyone you know? Swimming was a little hit and miss for me, DS loved it and we had some wonderful bonding moments and lots of good eye contact in those early days but his behaviour afterwards would be difficult as I assume the bonding moments were a little overwhelming for him. We had lots of walks and did lots of shopping and feeding ducks! I'm also a single adoptor and was afraid that asking for help early on would damage the attachment we were building but I just couldn't do it all all of the time. My mum would call round and play with DS whilst I was there but it meant I could drink my tea and sit back for half an hour knowing she would jump up and stop him from maiming himself! Even now I will take him for a drive if it's all feeling a little too much as it calms us both down and is a good opportunity to chat and sing without the intensity of looking at each other! Google some theraplay games, they are very useful and for me gave much more purpose to playtime as the pushing a car around in circles was driving me round the bloody bend!!

From what I remember about being 7 weeks in was that I was so so tired, it has got easier as I got to know DS better and how to read him. I would fall into a hot bath most nights when he was asleep with a very large gin.

I didn't adopt via my LA but they do invite me along to info and training events and to a monthly coffee morning where the kids can run riot, no one judges and there is at least one person who has been through whatever you are facing that week....never under estimate the benefits of having a moan to people in real life who understand exactly where you're coming from

Ooh and toddler screenings at the pics

Surestart doesn't exist anymore. I quizzed the HV on secret small groups for support, and there is nothing. We live rurally, and everything is shutting down for the winter. DS likes the car at nap time, when he sleeps beautifully. Otherwise, he'll tolerate it for 10 minutes, before meltdown. Sadly if we want to go anywhere, we're looking at 30 mins plus! (And before everyone suggests, we have a nursery rhyme CD he loves, books to look at, I've tried the ipad, plying with food etc.)

I really struggle with relying on my support network. I'm not one for admitting things could be difficult at all, and dislike asking for help. I don't even know what help I want. I don't want babysitting, as DS does wake, and if he found another mummy there, he would be very confused and distressed.

I could do with meeting other adopters, yes. I will ask the VA/LA.

OP
I'm not a parent or adopted. I just wanted to suggest that you add "because it's confidential" to your stock phrase. It makes it clear that you don't mean "i can't talk about it now". It also indicates that this is an official thing, not a choice you are making on a whim or that you are singling that person out and will talk to others.
Something like that would certainly stop me asking questions and I have ASD so can need things spelt out. (Not saying the people you are dealing with have ASD, just that they seem to need things really clear.)

I read your post last night and it could have been me a few years ago. So, first thing to hang onto: it gets easier. There will come a day when you're not counting off the day in 30 minute segments, wondering how on earth you will fill the next one and how you'll live until bedtime without screaming

What helped me:

• finding things I could do one-handed (kindle, you saved me) so I could be cuddling/carrying LO as needed, but also doing something to keep me going
• finding things I could pick up and put down (knitting - never got anywhere but it was something to fiddle with, etc)
• massively dropping my standards about how full-on the playing needed to be. I was with LO 1:1 all day every day. We couldn't possibly do enriching bonding things every minute - we would both burn out and get even grumpier. So, I made my peace with: a lot of cbeebies, occasional supervised toddler games on the ipad, setting LO up to "help" me i.e. giving them a packet of wipes and letting them follow me round wiping stuff while I cleaned the house.
• I tried to get both of us out of the house without the car most days (often failed!) on spurious excuses like posting a letter, buying a paper, looking for conkers, whatever. Short excursions, 20-30 minutes of ambling about really.
• As far as possible, I accepted that it was often dull, so kind of stopped fighting it!
• I was also adopting on my own, and losing my mind a bit during funnelling (although I persevered with that because it was so evident LO couldn't cope otherwise), so I got a friend/relative to come round every day for half an hour for a cup of tea. I had something to build my day round, I knew there would be someone to talk to, and they didn't interact much with LO - they were there for me.
• I also scheduled in evening phone calls to offload to friends who were wonderful but not nearby, roughly every few weeks. I felt better knowing those opportunities were fixed up.

It IS hard to actually ask things of your support network - partly because you kind of want them to know you well enough to see you're struggling and offer, and partly because it's common for the support network to totally fucking disappear when the reality of the adoption hits. So you have to build a new one, from scratch, just when you're at your lowest ebb. It deeply sucks, but to bring me back to where I started this rambling post - it gets easier, really and truly.