Feeling unsure during intros

[tybalt22]

Firstly let me say I know adoption is right for us and the LO we are matched with is amazing. However, over the last few days of week one we have been frustrated as the FC has certain rules and a routine. We observed these and feel we are keeping them. Then we will be told that she would do it differently or that we shouldn't have done a certain activity. It's all very contradictory and we feel we are on tenterhooks. We also feel awkward being in their home constantly. We were to be left alone for a full day which just never happened. The LO can be very spoiled and Bratty at times but never seems to have these behaviours explained just told to be nice or distracted to move on.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else felt conflicted on intros? We are starting to look forward to the end of the day, which isn't fair on the LO as we already feel connected. We feel like one week is enough as there is no room for LO to connect further whiles FC are around. Because we are miles from home we don't get the week intro at our place. Our SW says it will have to be bared with. We can't address it as we still have a week here. Please tell me we aren't alone and should be okay!

Intros are awful, I really feel for you. And it's so hard to know whether the behaviour that you're seeing is what you will face once the LO is placed. I'm a straight talking person, so I didn't read bratty as bring negative, but I def wouldn't use the word with a social worker.

How does your partner feel, have you managed to negotiate some time on your own with the LO? That's a must in your situation. Please keep talking, it's such a difficult time with conflicting emotions that trying to decipher how you feel about the child can be overwhelming, but I'd try and have a word with your SW regarding your concern about the child's potential needs.

Another one whose FC was a good as she could be. Some minor things I wish had been different, but overall, she was obviously trying really hard to keep it together, and I could tell our family was not what she'd thought DS would get.

BUT- intros was one of the hardest weeks of my life. So much so, I can't imagine leaving our house to stay away ever! (I'm hoping this settles!)

Toomanypetals

I sense from this and your other posts that you want to talk about your own experinces as someone who was adopted many years ago. You might find it helpful to start your own the thread .

This one is more of a support thread , trying to help a family who are going through a very stressful time and wondering what to do .

It is of course a stressful time for you and you will not be thinking quite straight under the huge pressure of intros. It does sound from your post though that you have not had enough training, preparation or done enough research and work on yourself for this yet. Please as others have said do talk to your social worker urgently for the sake of this child and also for yourselves. I'm afraid you are not ready if you are talking in terms of "bratty", "spoilt" (a child who has lost everything, suffered multiple and complex trauma etc??!!) and assume your child will go into childcare after 9 months or expecting her to behave in certain ways.

It feels that you may become defensive by the posts which you feel criticised for but please don't. This is really serious. This is a child's life. And yours.

Hi OP - how are things going now?

I'm assuming that the FC's house must be some way from your house, as it's normal to spend time towards the end of intros at your house to help ease the transition (by the end of our intros, we were picking DD up straight after breakfast from FC and bringing her back to ours, returning her in her PJs having had a bath, for example). But regardless, you do need to spend decent time with LO 1:1, without FC present. Can you go out for a day trip? Or even to the park for a couple of hours?

I share others' concerns about your expectations, and would gently remind you that there are no guarantees: a LO who presented as perfectly compliant may have issues that make nursery completely unsuitable 9 months down the road. That's part of the risk you take - though many of us here have been able to return to work and use childcare after adopting.

Kristina I think you may have misunderstood toomanypetal's post though she can correct me if I am wrong - the way i read it was not that she wanted to talk about her experiences for her own benefit but rather specifically in response to what the OP had said, to illustrate and explain how much damage can be done.

I'm not unsympathetic regarding too many petals' experience, but im think Kristina's point is that this thread, to support the OP, probably isn't the best place for it.

Hi OP , just checking in to see how things are going .

We also struggled to connect with ds whose behaviours were clearly more complex and his special needs far greater than we had been told. His foster carer also didn't manage intros well. We were so relieved when it moved to ours as we'd have gone crazy with another week there. Do speak to your social worker. Ours managed to change the plan slightly and shorten intros so that was all good.
As for our concerns - we were both so shell shocked we didn't really talk to each other. However, we can't regret it as he is now ours and we love him. But he has a string of diagnoses and life is not simple.