Son not biogicaly mine when to tell him

[user1473470643]

Iv raised my son since he was born however he's not mine biologically, his Biological dad has never wanted anything to do with him, I have always wanted to tell him but get different advice on when o should tell him I'm not biologically his dad so could do with some advice on when I should tell him

Please don't be too worried . As long as you tell him in a kind and simple way , it will be fine. What matters to any three year old is who loves him and cares for him - that's you, you are his real dad. That other man is just his biological dad.

Just as a PP said up thread - something like this :

Mum A and Dad B were Boy friend and girl friend . They hadn't known each other for very long when they discovered that they were going to have a baby. This was a big suprise, mum A was very happy but dad B wasn't. He didn't want to be a a dad, he wanted to do X Y and Z.

So he left and went to do X. MUm A was a bit sad and cross that he had left but she was very happy that she was going to have a baby . GRan C and grandpa D were happy too, they bought a buggy for the baby .

Gran E and AUntie F knitted the baby some clothes . Uncle F painted a room for the baby . Everyone in the family was so excited and happy they couldn't wait to see the baby . Then you were born .

[ lots of nice stuff here about how happy everyone was , what baby looked like, what names mum thought about and why she chose the ones she did . Lost of cute details here ]

Then add how mum A met Dad B and how he is dad now.

[ how happy you are to be his dad , want you do together etc, stories about fun times you have had, birthdays, holidays etc ]

Remember Your son is much more interested in what toys GRan bought him or what colour his hair was when he was born than he is in some aspect of biology that is currently meaningless to him.

But you have told him the facts and when he is older he can ask more when he wants to . Which probably won't be for years .

Please don't ever lie to him about it or let anyone else lie to him. Just try to answer in a kind way . I'm guessing that his bio dad left befroe he was born, so it's fine to say that he didn't want to be a dad then, maybe he was too young or he didn't love mum and didn't want to stay with her.

He left for reasons to do with HIm and what was going on in his head and his life and NOTHING to do with the baby .

Be prepared for him to ask questions about where he is now.

Please don't ever tell him that his dad wanted him aborted . It's not necessary and it's unkind. There's a difference between being honest and telling the awful details .

Another adopter here, and I agree with the others - start telling him now. Not in a kind of 'we're going to have a big conversation' way - just start acknowledging it, keep it age appropriate, always answer his questions honestly. Above all, allow him to have his feelings, he may be fairly uninterested or he may become intensely interested in his bio dad (and this can be painful for you - trust me I know - but it's something he must process).

I do have a family member who was never told that her dad wasn't actually her biological dad. Everyone else knew. In the end someone from outside the family took it upon themselves to reveal to her when she was in her early 20s. That is always the risk if you keep it secret.

I know your dp isn't saying it should be kept secret, just kept till the 'right time'. But that sounds like she is waiting till your son can fully comprehend the full story. That is the wrong approach. It shouldn't be a big reveal, but something that is always acknowledged, and that you talk about in deeper and more meaningful ways as he grows up.

Another thing our LA recommended was just dropping little snippets into the conversation. So we may say to our son 'when you came to live with us you were a tiny baby and now you're a big boy!' or 'do you remember X who looked after you when you were a tiny baby, she lives near this park.'

We haven't really had 'the A chat' with our boy who's four but he's started saying things like 'when I was a little baby I lived at Y's house (BM name) but now I live with mummy and daddy' so it must be sinking in.

I do admit I struggle to refer to Y as 'mummy' as it suggests a relationship of warmth and selflessness that she didn't provide. I'm never negative about her but it's difficult to big her up too tbh.

Kieran - lots of adopted kids don't refer to their BM as mum , they use her first name.

I know a few say " first mum " or " mummy jane "

It depends a lot on the circumstances, there's no right way

Our son doesn't really refer to her, we say birth mum then her name.

And my dd talks about her mummy (birth mum) all the time, tells people on the bus about her, writes her love letters. When her therapist asked her to draw her family, on our first visit, she drew her birth parents. She came to us at 10 months old.

So they're all different, and you need to be prepared for that and to let them work it through in their own way. Yes, it can be painful. Adoption is painful, for everyone.

Our son came to us at three. It is interesting he remembers birth family but has currently little interest in them - this may all change.

That must be very hard for you and DP, Rachel

Rachel

FWIW we refer to DD's BM by her first name. We also just drop snippets in from time to time, rather than sit down for serious talks. Eg "Susie [not her real name!] loves the colour red too", "You used to love going on the swings with Susie".

Olennaswimple we try and do that too (drop in snippets) but it is harder now that birth patent doesn't write to us at all.

Rachel that must have been very tough. I don't know for sure but I think you are a hardy, coping sort of person who maybe made light of it when it happened, so sorry I didn't respond to that comment. I kind of feel, to me, you are a very good strong person, that is how you come across on Mumsnet and in person) very strong, but that must have been hard.

Op your son may ask questions, can your ex compile some 'facts' abut the boy's bio dad, th born in x town, aged x, likes this that etc. These don't need to be gushing, just truthful, she could say he used to be a fan of this footbsll team, liked curry/spagetti etc.

I was never told about my dad not being my birthday, when I found out at 16 I took it well my mum told me she wanted me to know but my dad wanted me to see him as father. They explained to me that it wasn't a lie but a way of making me feel secure and not different to my younger brothers. However the adoption side of me knows that telling is better. So I have a conflicting view. I must say I was a mature 16 and understood that things can't always be perfect and that everyone had had to struggle with decisions. I felt grateful to my dad for seeing me as his

The problem with not telling is that if you don't, someone else will.

In the playground . On the football pitch . after a fall out at school .

" my dad always comes to all my matches"

" my mum says he's not your real dad,your real dad walked out when your mum was pregnant "

Elderly family members are renowned for " speaking their mind " on things like this

Don't waste time feeling bad about what you could have done earlier. You are asking now and the child is only 3. I would look around at how many other family groups there are around him - does he know children with one mummy and no daddy? does he know families with 2 daddies? does he know families where a child already has a step father? draw stick men family groupings of all the types you can find. then add your own. There may be fallout later, but I doubt it will be while he is 3. hope it goes well.

I would tell him now. Buy a book with a story of adoption. Tell him he is very special. His first father wasn't able to look after him and so you were very lucky that you could become his father. It will be easy to tell him Kuwait. Keep lines of communication open as he grows older.