Steaming towards placement

[Mrscollydog]

As some of you are aware we are mid intros with our LO, 17 months. We had to commit to extended intros because of a previous disruption and to be honest its gone better than we could have hoped for. We are just all getting exhausted now. DH and LO both ill, BS getting massively fed up as his normality (socializing etc) has been disrupted. I have had a few thoughts of what the hell are we doing, life was so easy and now I am worrying about everything. Scared whitless about sleep and nightimes. I generally a worried by default but I seem to have gone into overdrive. I suppose what I am asking is in a convoluted way did anyone else feel terrified at this point (3days before placement), how long did it take to find any kind of normality whatever that may be?
Sorry for slightly convoluted mental.post!

Be kind to yourselves and hang in there. Introductions and the early days for us were awful. Just AWFUL. Try to remember that everything is strange and weird for your LO after such a big upheaval - you may find that you need to stay in more and have a set routine to help settle her (we had to do this for several weeks - on the advice of our support worker - and it nearly killed me but was worth it in the end). I too was rejected in favour of DH which I found incredibly hard. We are 2.5 years on now and a fully bonded family but I'll never forget how hard it is at first - nobody but other adopters will fully understand so if you have a local support group, use it!

We were going through something similar this time last year - intros were fine, but world war three broke out after placement. With hindsight, DS needed to go through a grieving process for FC, who he adored, and the lovely cheeky chappy we saw in intros turned into a very angry little boy. There was a lot of crying, we felt heartbroken for him and us, and thought we'd made a massive mistake. At one point he was waking us up at night to tell me he hated me.

It does get better - just take it one day at a time, and ask for help when you need it. I trawled these threads, and like you, took great comfort from a more experienced adopter. I found it too hard to speak to people on the phone, so texting was a life-saver.

A year on, it does feel 'normal', but a very different kind of normal. Be gentle with yourself, and try to get as much sleep as you can (within reason!) - everything is so much worse when you're sleep deprived.

Don't feel ridiculous - it's overwhelming. For me I think the worst stage was the very early one where DS couldn't take any real comfort from me there was so little I could do to make things right for him. He was so despairing and inconsolable at times.

He was also phobic about baths - it took many many weeks to get him in the bath without screaming.

I started by sitting him on the draining board of the sink with his feet in a couple of inches of water for a wash and graduated him through an inflatable baby bath inside the bath to make him feel more secure until after a couple of months he started enjoying normal baths again.

It does happen eventually.

You just have to remember how you would feel if you had woken up one day with a totally new family and a totally new house and it didn't matter how much you tried to explain that you were in the wrong place that no-one seemed to understand you. It is a very scary and very stressful situation for a child. And therefore is stressful for you to deal with too.

Expect nothing, just get through each day as best you can. Every day that you get to the end of with everyone more or less intact (physically if not mentally) is a little victory. And comfort yourself with the knowledge that the next time to hear someone say (or write on MN) that next child they're going for the easy option and adopting that you will punch them in the face (just a little bit).

You'll get there.

I echo what everyone else says. You are doing a great job, doing exactly the right thing asking for help and not being at all ridiculous so please please don't beat yourself up about it.

I can empathise with the bath thing. For about the first 6 months my LO screamed the house down every time I tried to bath her (and washing her hair was like trying to tame a banshee). It does get better. Improvement feels sooo slow and unnoticeable and then one day you realise that bath time hasn't been quite as hideous as it used to be and you realise it is getting better. Plus I took to only bathing her once a week. She had a rub down with a wet flannel every day to keep her clean but the whole bath thing was so horrendous that it was not a battle I wanted to have every night. She survived having only a weekly bath, didn't smell and now 3 years later quite happily gets in the bath of her own accord.

Other things that helped me at this time:

1. Buying a baby comforter toy for her (even though she was a toddler). She chose it, we named it together and I made sure it came absolutely everywhere with us for the first few years months.

Although LO came with loads of soft toys, having a special comforter (that I really bigged up with her) helped her to bond with it, and therefore me, I think. After the first year she still took the toy everywhere (including to nursery every day - the teachers were adept and very patient at locating it at the end of each day when she'd stuffed it in the sand pit or reading corner) LO still sleeps with it every night without fail.

1. Watching Peppa Pig (insert whatever kiddie cartoon your LO is mad about here) DVDs on endless repeat. This was the only thing that would calm / soothe LO at home for first few weeks. I got to the stage where I hated the pigs but they kept LO happy and seemed to provide great comfort and reassurance.
2. Don't sweat about keeping too rigidly to previous FC routines / activities / habits / food. In my experience trying to stick too closely to what she'd experienced just prolonged the feeling of loss. Depends entirely on your child's situation and experience of course but I found that trying to replicate some previous experiences / habits from FC made things worse for my LO and she was calmer and happier when we were doing things our way, if that makes sense? I think basically what I am trying to say is keep your days and nights a mix of reassuring old routines but don't feel you can't add your new preferences / routines as well (and don't feel bad about easing off on the old stuff whenever it feels right to do so).

Hang in there. You're doing an ace job.

So today was challenging again! Much better morning, she even snuggled in our bed for a bit when she woke up and breakfast was nice. We managed to get out to the school run. After this we started to notice her anxiety building, she starts to breathe very quickly and is obviously looking for the FC. We got out and had a lovely hour out having cake and coffee in the sun. It all went downhill after we got home, she wanted to sleep and the searching started again, she was hugging me and nearly dropped off, it seemed then that all.if a sudden she realised it was the wrong mummy (my new name for myself) and went into a full scale meltdown. DH intercepted and managed to settle had. Tonight we had 2 hours of screaming and searching after dinner. She has passed out now. Feel calmer than before, its still awful, heartbreaking even but can see glimpses of normalness.

I'm so sorry, the poor child sounds distraught. It must be terrible to watch

Better day today! Mummy instincts kicked in and we got the picture of the foster carer put and had a look. Actually got her to engage in some play, mummy's terrible singing seems to be the cure all. Also we have realised that the FC was referring to herself as mummy so every time we mention mummy it sets her off, so.I am now mumma. Helped a lot. Totally grateful for all your support.

Well done op!

And an extra well done for your perseverance.

So glad you have had a better day! Well done. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job. Xx

Really delighted to hear today was better for you. Intros are so hard and extended ones must have been a nightmare. Am thrilled things are looking up for you all

Great to hear things are progressing. Thinking of you x

Glad to hear you had a better day .

Not on for Fc to call herself " mummy " . Though if the Fc has young children of her own, it might just be that LO is copying them .

Glad you had a better day. Don't beat yourself up when progress isn't linear. Well done on identifying some trigger points.

Every hour that passes with a happy face and no anxious searching or screaming is precious. Its like she still wants to go home but is accepting if I can't then you lot will do. Much more accepting of affection and of mumma. Sure there will be massive ups and downs but having had 2 days of a generally happy toddler has made a huge difference.
I was looking at her squished up to me in bed this morning and felt so fuzzy in the middle, my baby.

The early weeks were hell for me. Everything you're describing. I desperately wanted to turn back the clock.

It got better. Very slowly. Like a trickle filling a swimming pool. Little by little and often unnoticeable. But gradually I stopped hating each day. Then very occasionally I felt proud. Then a bit of like crept in. Then love. Then more.

It was slow and hard. I wish I'd been sure the love would come because it would have helped in the early months. It did come though. Over time a trickle can fill a swimming pool.

Drop me a line if you need to chat.

PS Your latest update is really positive. Don't worry if it's up and down for a while. X

How are things OP?

Hi, things are getting better! She is more settled everyday. Can actually hand on heart say I have really enjoyed the last week. We are finding our new normal.
Unfortunately she is poorly at the Mo and that's been challenging and meant lots of broken sleep. Hoping with some drugs on board we are in for a better night.
Keep your fingers crossed.
No regrets and definite love there now

Ah that's so good to hear. 😀. Xxxx