Deep breath. I haven't bonded with my adopted children.

[Chaz098]

So, the facts.

2 DC. Placed middle of last year at 6 yo and 4 yo.

They are good kids. Some issues but we - so far - have been lucky. I know this even though times have been hard.

But I just haven't bonded with them. I shy away from physical contact, especially when I'm tired. They (I can't believe I'm saying this) irritate me a lot. I don't particularly enjoy spending time in their company (although I tolerate it well now which is more than can be said for the beginning of this year).

I honestly feel like I'm playing the role of being their mother, rather than I am their mother. I dwell on how different it would have been with birth children, although I know there's no guarantee I'd have bonded with them.

I have asked for support. Their LA was useless. accessed it another way. This has helped make me feel more skilled as a parent, but I still don't feel bonded.

I feel more bonded than I did 12 months ago, but at this rate, I feel like they'll be 18 and I'll be just getting to like them!

Everyone has said they're attaching well (professionals) so I kid myself that this is all ok, but I know it probably isn't so I want to address it.

Anyone go through the same? What did you do? What baby steps can I start to take to make this better?

Caveat: I don't have adoption experience. When DS was small and I was finding it hard a kind mum said to me that part of the whole parenting journey is letting go of the perfect child of your fantasies, and the perfect mum of your fantasies. It sounds like you have set the bar very high for yourself. It sounds like your children are doing well, maybe ease up on yourself a bit.

Also, my DS has had sleep problems - a saint would struggle to stay upbeat. It's not just the sleep you miss out on, but the anticipation of a disturbed night and the behaviour you will have to deal with. We considered boarding school at one point. That seems crazy now, but it was ruining our lives (all three of us). If you were to target one thing I'd suggest that(not saying it's easy). We paid a child sleep consultant in the end. Issues not entirely resolved but much better.

Also (and speaking as a birth mum who has struggled to get through it all at times) - could you start by finding some "islands of competence"? E.g. one thing that you enjoy doing/least dislike doing with them, just try to do more of that? I read that if you commit to spending 15 minutes playing with your child each day you will see a difference. It's 15 minutes because that feels manageable, even if you're pissed off and exhausted. We do Lego not every day. When we started I deliberately chose Lego sets I liked so that I would be arsed to do it and not resent it.

By the way, you have done a wonderful thing by being the mum to keep these two children together, it will make a huge difference to their lives.

Chaz098 how are you doing?

ThreeBecomeFour I am sorry to here about the anaemia, I had it about 3 or 4 years ago and it was awful, I had no idea I had it until I got checked out by a nurse.

Really agree with ThreeBecomeFour about The suggestions of doing individual activities with the children one at a time is a great one. Maybe try some love bombing, that's always good for building up some fuzzy feelings. I try and get one to one time with my daughter when I can, even for a Costa. It helps her feel special and bonds us a little again. My husband or I have taken dd out to a few places like cafe's or a bike ride with dad so that she feels special because I know her nose was really put out of joint by ds's arrival.