Name changing

[poetboywonder]

We are not fussed on what name our child has, but I am curious if anyone has changed names afterward etc. I've read of middle names being given then swapping round and I know SW are big on identity etc. Also do you think it's important?

well I didn't mean they'd just be happy I meant they could take that on as many have already said. it's often necessary for security etc

It's true that sometimes a name needs to be changed in a child older than a baby, in order to genuinely protect them from a real risk. And yes, that child and the family do learn ways to cope and process it, although it could be upsetting for a very long time. Kew is, I think, suggesting that even children who appear to adjust, will have the impact bubbling along underneath and it will come out at some stage.

It also means the adoptive parents have a really horribly difficult line to tread later on, when the child naturally has questions about WHY it was changed, and an age-appropriate satisfactory explanation needs to be given, but without spooking them completely. It's not a one-off action - it has consequences for a long time. But there are times when it is the only right thing to do for that child, and as their new parent, you take all the advice and do what you can to balance their need for safety with their need to feel connected to their early life.

I don't know anyone who's changed a 4 year olds name - even for security reasons though I'm sure its happened. More likely people will start with their given name and eventually use a nickname, or add a new first name for official forms but keep using their given (now second) name verbally.

I'm not anti name changing per se - I've said enough times that I think there should be no hard and fast rule and each case should be looked at on its merits. But having seen how children deal will change, for a child over 12-18 months (depending on how advanced they were) I would massively hesitate to change their name. I know people who have "normalised" the spelling with an older child but not changed the name.

Of course they could take it on - we (as adults) subject them to just about everything else in their life changing. I'd hesitate personally - you run the risk of a very angry, confused pre-schooler wondering why the hell these strange people are calling them a strange name and think they'd mistaken the child for someone else! I think it's hard enough to bond with new children without creating the impression in them that you don't know who they are.

hi. Do any of you who have changed your child's first name, for whatever reason, have letterbox contact with the birth family ? If so how did you handle that ?

Yes we do. Lo is referred to by his birth name, it is difficult remembering as you're writing though!

Thanks Velvet. Do you think this could become tricky once your LO is old enough to get involved in letterbox him/herself ?

Our lo is only 1 so we're a way off that yet. I would anticipate that when he's old enough to become involved he will already be old enough to understand that he has a new name and why he has it. That is of course assuming we actually receive any letterbox from BF!

My name was changed and it didn't affect me at all as a child but as an adult it has caused me great difficulty. I think everyone is agreed on here there are situations it has to be carefully considered and then done. If it can be avoided it should be. Your name is a massive part of our identity people's identity is a complex business. My name didn't need to be changed. Just don't think my parents liked it and everyone did back then before we understood the impact. When I am with my birth family they call my by my birth name then correct themselves.

Slippersmum were you aware as a child about your adoption and name change? I'm interested to find out more from those that have struggled as we have changed our lo's name but wasn't an easy decision (even though I have to say his birth name was awful!), it was done because it is a very high security risk for him as very identifiable and BF is less than 10 miles away.

TeamAcorn Re We added a middle name and kept first name and existing middle names that were named after birth family members (though put our chosen middle name as the first middle name). I was told this is common place. Dont know if it is but certainly we know a few other adopters who've done the same. Yes, we did something like this. We chose a family name for a middle name as we would have done had ds been a birth child.

StaceyAndTracey very interesting, and I agree. Although for us the social workers very much saw our son as their 'client', which is as it should be.

For us it was difficult to consider changing as our son knew and could spell his name out at 3 (very bright boy!) Plus social workers were all very keen on keeping his name!

But of course they will not be there if you encounter any problems because of this choice, and it is worth remembering this!

our son's name is quite unusual and we did think hard.

We decided that the birth family did not pose a risk, this was based on evidence to this effect. This is the very key thing for me. Is there a real risk? If there is I would change the name. If the child is old enough I would involve them in the change. I was ready for him to be Finley after the Fire engine or Sam after Fireman Sam! But we felt there was no risk.

I am aware as a teenager he will want to go onto social network sites and this will need to be handled with care and with his involvement.

Another consideration is how will this name make the child stand out, will he be able to fit in OK into your family and at school. If the name could be embarrassing for the child, then I think that is also a consideration for the child.

Here is a thread I started on the subject before our little one came.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/1981964-A-rose-by-any-other-name-would-smell-so-sweet

The only thing I would say now, all this time later, is that I would now place even less interest in what social workers said on the matter. Not because I feel anything negative about social workers but once the adoption order is all granted the social workers melt away and it is you, your child and your support network. So it really is your choice, bearing in mind you should do what is best for your child, and be ready when they are older to explain that. I am glad we kept his middle name, whether we made the right decision to keep his first name, only time will tell, but I do feel confident that for him and us we made the right choice (I hope!).

Hi velvet I know what you mean about awful names. I have been a sw for many years and come across some dreadful names eg a lot of Disney characters and even I couldn't shout those out across the playground at the park! I was called by my birth name until a year and a half and was never sat down and told just always knew. I know I keep banging on about this book but was re-reading part of it last night The Primal wound which is written by an adopter and she really has a fantastic insight into adoption. It really is the best book I have ever read on adoption. Lots of books deals with the nuts and bolts but this book is different. She was talking about the difference for example between knowing and feeling. We all know and understand why choices are made but feeling their impact is totally separate. It also explains behaviours of adopted children and adults. Might be worth a look. But I feel I have gone off track. Anyway my name change was almost a signpost to another direction my life could have taken and it's taken on a very symbolic tangible point. I have a file of documents about me with that name on. As with everything people are all different and I have noticed this can be a contentious issue sometimes as an adopted adult posts after me it never effected me and I respect everyone's perspectives on this. There are no rights and wrongs. It's interesting how I have spoken to lots and lots of people who were adopted and for those who struggle seem to struggle more as they get older. I always thought at this age I would have sorted everything out in my mind but it's not worked out that way. The choices we make for our children don't seem to impact to the same depth which they do for the adults they become. Sorry if I have rambled!!

No it is really interesting to hear the perspective of an adoptee. I have a couple of friends who are adopted but both were adopted as babies. 1 is completely unbothered by the fact he is adopted, had no wish to know anything about his birth family and is a very well rounded content adult. The other less so but I'm not sure how much of it was "adoption" related, there's no real way of knowing. She's always been very accepting and open of the fact she was adopted and said she didn't want to know anything about BF. She struggled with a sibling relationship with her sister (also adopted but not bio sibling), she was very jealous of even the tiniest thing and that got worse as they grew older and her sister (younger) got married, had children etc and she never did. They have a younger brother who wasn't adopted and she is very close to him. When she got to around 40isg she started to wonder about bm and then did seek contact. They do have a good relationship now and I think it's helped but more because I think she felt she was losing her mum to her sister because of grandchildren etc. Her sister moved away so consequently her mum spent more and more time staying away to be able to enjoy grandchildren. Anyway I've rambled now. She also had a name change when she was adopted but interestingly this is the one thing that she really doesn't mind at all so it is very complicated and just shows there is no right answer.

I think an important factor is people adopted a long time ago didn't have to think about Faceboo etc, now it has to be factored in for children who have unusual names.

I think it is very helpful to think about all this before committing to a name change so when a child is older one can explain why or indeed why not.