Anybody who looked into adoption and decided it wasn't for them?

[noonesharesmycoke]

Hello, I'm just wondering if there's anyone here in the above category?

We were looking into adoption last year but unfortunately had to make the difficult decision not to pursue it. Ultimately, if I can sum it up, it felt we were being asked to give a lot with very, very little being given in return.

Not sure where this leads us with our journey to being a family.

It's hard. Anyone else?

Sorry, the morning after the late night post....

Just for others reading this.... I also have friends who've adopted quickly and it's gone smoothly, I'm also included in that! The 3-4 year wait was a possible wait time and who knows if that is being said to potential adopters, like the other worst case scenarios, to weed out those who won't wait 2 years, which could be realistic with current situation of more adopters?? I was only making the point that as much as it can be straightforward, it can also not be, so I understand why some people may just not want to put their heart and soul into it, to go through the POSSIBLE heartache of disappointment, after possibly going through a lot of that already. If you're starting out, or waiting, people are becoming parents each day through adoption, as mumsnet shows! It will very likely be you next, if not now, in the next few weeks or months. It has been worth it for us. I recommend adoption wholeheartedly but appreciate how hard it is, in comparison to becoming parents via other routes.

I just wanted to add that, because it's important to be realistic but you do need positivity to get through this process too and I didnt want to derail anyone's positive attitude today!

OP, I just wanted to tell you that we felt exactly the same after the first info evening we went to.

We were told, in incredibly condescending tones 'one of you needs to be prepared to be at home long term; if you have a pond, fill it in; if you are looking for under fives, forget it; parenting this child will be a constant trial; you'll essentially be looking after this child for their poor, poor birth family who aren't able to' etc, etc, etc ...

We left feeling completely deflated, and as though our feelings and needs, as adopters, were irrelevant besides the birth families. Honestly, after the time we'd been through with infertility we felt we needed, deserved even, a bit more.

We did go to a couple more information evenings though, and at the third one it was all presented completely differently. Yes, we would need to be prepared for all the things we had heard before, but they would work with us, help us, prepare us every step of the way. If we felt it was important to us to have a younger child, fine. We might wait a bit longer, but don't feel bad or embarrassed about it because contrary to common belief, many adopters do want older children (this was definitely the case on our prep group!).

I'm rambling now, but I guess I just wanted to say that I know how you feel, we almost gave up after that horrible first information evening.
We did go ahead in the end, with the agency we liked. The training was hard, and the process intense, but we have felt so well supported and valued all the way through. A year after starting the process, we had our wonderful little girl placed. She was almost two at the time, and 6 months later we are settling down into family life, and loving every second. She had been with a lovely foster family since birth and doesn't have any significant issues, life is incredibly normal for now. Yes, we'll have issues to deal with as she grows up but we feel confident we'll handle it as it comes! So I guess I just wanted to add another vote to the 'it's not necessarily doom and gloom' camp too.

I am tremendously grateful to those who have shared their experiences and who have understood why we feel we can't continue with our adoption journey just at the moment - never say never and things could change in the future.

The uncomfortable impression we were left with was that, as someone has said, we would be caring for the children for the poor birth parents and not to expect any joy, happiness or anything for ourselves.

Others I know also decided to drop out.

I wish everybody well!

Best of luck to you, Noonesharesmycoke.

It's very true birth parents are a part of our lives now really but we definitely don't feel like we're just caring for their children, we're very much Mum and Dad and we're definitely experiencing A LOT of joy and happiness, alongside some difficulties obviously, but all worth it. They do go all out to give you the worst case scenario at the start, probably rightly as it COULD end up that way, but it often doesn't.

Good luck with the future noonesharesmycoke :)

Social workers do paint a rather bleak picture of the process sometimes.

We dropped out after attending an adoption info evening as we came away full of the negatives.

A few more rounds of IVF and another two years of heartache and we finally decided to look into adoption again.

The second time we had a social worker visit us at home and she was lovely. She recommend that we make an application and booked us on prep courses.

The prep course was great and we met a great group of potential adopters who have all gone on to have children placed with them.

We've had two babies placed with us who are now 9 and 6 and it's been the most wonderful thing to be their parents.

Post adoption support has been patchy and getting schools to understand the needs of adopted children ( especially two like mine who are apparently not meant to have any problems because they were placed at 10 months old!) is tricky.

But other than that we face the same challenges and worries as any other parents.

Post adoption support has been patchy and getting schools to understand the needs of adopted children ( especially two like mine who are apparently not meant to have any problems because they were placed at 10 months old!) is tricky.

Amen to that... "But he can't possibly remember being adopted" from astonished teacher...

Noonesharesmycoke

There were times in the approval process that I really had doubts about going ahead and, to be honest, there have been times post adoption that I have questioned my sanity.

DS came to us 18 months ago at the age of 5, having spent all his life in care. Despite this, it soon became apparent that none of the professionals really understood him, or the true level of his needs. However, we have managed to find solutions to most of his destructive behaviours and the biting, kicking, headbutting, hitting and spitting are becoming less common. What I'm trying to say is that, if the will is really there you will probably be surprised at what you can do.