When did LO feel like they were yours?

[motherearth1990]

8 weeks into placement and I've managed to shake off the initial horrible feeling that we were "stealing" our LO from foster family, to feeling like an unpaid babysitter and a fraud (when we take her out the feeling that everyone must know she's not really "ours" and we've stolen her!), to something else, not sure how to describe it really, but terrible guilt that I don't feel like her mummy yet.

My husband loved her from day 1, apparently I think too much!?

So I just wondered how long did it take for you to feel real "mummy" or "daddy" feelings, did it come gradually?

I'm scared it will never come and like I said the guilt and shame is enormous even though it's early days. I love my birth children immediately and honestly though it would be the same for this little person. She deserves so much love as do all children. Im trying to "fake it until I make it" as per the advice but it's very very hard. I'm scared this is as good as it gets..

Thank you, it means so much to know I'm not alone.

Today, since reading your messages, I've realised that I need to believe that the love will come some way in the future and to enjoy this time with LO, so that I don't look back and think of her early days of placement as a sad and confusing time. It should be joyous, so I'm going to focus on appreciating her and less on my fears and inadequecies and hope that gets me through this rough patch.

I don't know if this is the norm, but not one person, LO's SW, our Sw or HV has asked how we are, only how LO is.

Hello, thanks for asking Precious,

Something amazing has happened in the last week - she wants cuddles at bedtime, in fact she demands them by holding her hands out to me and cries if I don't. Before I found it so hard to bond because she pushed me away.. Seems she is feeling more secure and trusts me more now. And this has unblocked the mental block I had, as I am beginning to feel stirrings of love. It's definitely starting and I feel such relief.

I hope this gives anyone else experiencing similar feelings hope, that it will come in time.

Before I found it so hard to bond because she pushed me away

I had this. It is so very hard to bond with a child who acts like they don't want you. Very hard indeed. But it does come - it's like the tide coming in, you don't really notice it happening it creeps in so slowly then suddenly you realise you've been engulfed!

A couple of months ago, I posted a very similar message - we were also about 8 weeks in at the time. I was really, really struggling and was feeling very guilty that the love was just not happening for me. I got some wonderful advice, some practical support and stopped beating myself up. Red wine of an evening also helped. I thought the 'fake it till you make it' stuff sounded cheesy, but I went with it and things started to improve immediately and at 5 months in the love has definitely arrived!
My two are older, and once we had worked out that their behaviours were driven by an overwhelming desire for them to control the situation we could start to address what was going on. They still don't really feel like 'ours' and at times seem like complete aliens, but things are getting better.
Keep on keeping on: the love will come.

Regarding whether we have been asked how we are (rather than the kids), I must say that we have had a lot of support from our LA, have a fab SW and I now have a group of local experienced adopters for support as well. The focus has very much been on making sure we are OK so that the kids can be. Without this I really don't know how we would have survived, so if you are not getting the support you need from your SW, you should let them know and try to build up a support network - I really feel for you.

I have not adopted but have 2 birth children.

I did not love them from the day they were born. If I am honest, I had very little feeling at all for them for some time.

Babies are intensely hard work, they demand a great deal, and for me at least, gave very little back. There was no "person" there to love, just something I had to care for.

Mothers are made to feel "un-natural" if they do not love their children, but for many, as with any relationship, it takes time. I felt terrible guilt for a long time that my relationship with my children was not the idealised relationship everyone portrayed and assumed it was.

My relationships with the dcs have grown and I love them very, very much but the love grew over years as I got to know them.

I know you are not in the same position exactly but please don't feel that all mothers are gazing with a wrapt adoration at their babies that you just don't feel. This is not the case at all and there are more of us out there than you think that have to learn to love our children.