Just poking my head in to say hello :)

[earthyambitions]

I just wanted to make contact with people in here. My husband and I are about to embark on what we hope will be our adoption journey. We are just finishing some house renovations before we make our initial enquiry to the LA. We have an existing bc and I am unable to have any more birth children but have a strong desire to add to our family.

I have done lots of reading online and in books and spoken to a couple of adoptive parents I know so feel reasonably well prepared for what could be ahead and I am open to discussing what we are able to take on in an additional child as I don't think we are totally clear about that yet. I am also a teacher so lots of experience working with a wide range of children but not naive enough to realise that parenting them would be a different experience.

I am interested to find out more about fostering to adopt but there doesn't seem to be a lot of info out there in particular about the number of children placed this way that go on to be adopted by the family they are with and the number returned to birth families.

We have 2 dogs and I am concerned that might count against us, although they have had our existing child grow up with them with no problems so I'm hoping that will count in their favour. I obviously am aware that the sw would want to know that we would put the child first, I just would be sad if we had to rehome them on the off chance that there could be a problem.

I imagine I will be calling on people here for lots of support and advice in the near future so thought I'd just say hi really and put myself out there. I look forward to getting to know some of you as we embark on our journey...fingers crossed!

The new adoption system (6 month approval time) has come into force since that report has been written but it would still say a lot if it was really good, or really bad, if staff/management haven't changed too much (mind you, as a teacher, you'll know how Ofsted truly reflects what is going on from their one little snapshot )

If it's not too much of a distance then I would definitely consider it, as good post adoption support is vital and number of children waiting is a big issue for potential adopters right now, so brilliant if you're close to 3 LAs!

Just one last thing. I said post adoption support is with the placing LA for 3 years, then your LA after that. But that was for if we got approved with our LA and then we're matched with a child from another LA. I assume that even if you were approved with another LA and they placed a child with you, the same would still apply, but you know what they say about assumptions, so may be worth asking on that one, unless anyone on here knows?

?? Sat down to discuss all of this with DH last night and when it came to the "how would you feel about moving forward with it now" he decided he's not sure he wants to at all. After a long chat he said he would only be doing it for me and he is worried that down the line if he changed his mind and wanted to pull out of the process I would resent him for it. He said lots of other things too. I am grateful that he has been honest with me now but also devastated. I really thought this was the path for us. He said he might change his mind down the line but we have talked about this on and off for 5 years now. I think it might be time for me to find a way to grieve for the child we are never going to have and move on as a family of 3. I just have no idea where to start with that at the moment.

Earthy I am so sorry I don't know what else to say. That must be so hard to hear and even harder to process, though, as you've said, it's good he has been honest now, if he'd waited until later it could have been even more heartbreaking, although I'm sure it doesn't feel as if it could be any more so right now

Yes he has done the right thing. It somehow makes it harder that there is no one to be cross with. It is a bit like when I miscarried, I wanted to blame someone, something. But there is nothing and no one to blame. It just is the way it is.

Thank you for all the support and advice I received on here. For a moment there I thought I was really going to be a part of all this.

So sorry to hear this.

Like you say, there's no right or wrong, just feelings, but that's what makes it so hard, for you both.

So sorry to hear this.

He may change his mind, who knows. Is there something specific that has unsettled him?

Would he consider short term fostering now, or perhaps long term fostering when your daughter is older? I say when your daughter is older because most long term fostered children are 8 plus so she would need to be 10 maybe. I have such a massive respect for foster carers who do an amazing job. I know it would be very very hard to do if you are not totally OK with it, and you would need to go into it knowing DH might never change his mind and might only ever want to foster and not adopt, but it would take the 'finality' away from it for your dh. Just an idea.

I meant ... so your dd would need to be 10 maybe.

Thanks, fostering wouldn't work for us now. Although it would always have been a possibility I didn't intend to give up working as a teacher after we adopted. However it might be something we could consider in the future. Maybe when did moves to secondary school. I just feel like I can't even think about other possibilities any more. I need some sort of closure to be able to grieve and move on. Perhaps I'm a bit too all or nothing but I just don't feel like I can live with 'perhaps' any more.

I did reach a peace about having only one child before we actually went into the adoption option. I felt it was good for me because if it had not been right to adopt or proceed I would have been OK. I can tell you about it if you are interested but it may not be true for everyone! It happened while we were still going through fertility treatment.

Italiangreyhound, I'd love to hear how you managed it if you don't mind sharing. Thank you.

Well I guess the key thing was that I had a lot of bitterness about not being able to have a second birth child.

I think I was not really aware of how bitter I felt but at some point I must have become aware. I went away on a Christian weekend, one of those times when you all do an activity together. And it snowed on the way home and somehow all my bitterness melted away.

I am not sure if I acknowledged things before it went away on that weekend. I certainly did not plan for things to change but they did. I think I must have acknowledged them in some way, but I just can't remember.

After my time away I felt that I was ready to move on and even if we did not manage to adopt that our family of three was complete.

That is all I can say. I think if you can confront any feelings and come to terms with being a family of three you may find one day you are able to foster or your dh may change his mind but you won't be feeling like you are waiting for it.

I am sorry I can't give you any more pointers than that.

Thank you for sharing that. It makes a lot of sense that dealing with having only 1 child is a good idea anyway. Being busy back at work is helping this week, not much time to think. I will need to do that thinking at some point though.