Eep! All the choices are scary!

[PeppermintPixie]

Husband (31) and I (28) are starting to look into bringing some children into our family. We have looked into literally every option there is for creating a family and every last one of them completely terrifies me. I would really appreciate advice from anyone who has any experience with the following:

Adopting from the UK! (where I live) - 1yo-5yo sibling pair. Terrifying because I cannot seem to find any evidence that I might end up with happy healthy children and I am not equipped to deal with RAD or learning/mental disabilities. Sounds cruel, but I have to be realistic.

Adopting an infant from the US via private adoption - Terrifying because it costs around £20,000 and can fall through at any moment if the birth mother changes her mind!

Adopting from China Healthy Children programme - Terrifying because of similar worries regarding RAD and learning disabilities later in life. Also because of expense £20-30,000.

Natural Birth - This is my LEAST favourite option. Episiotomy/tearing makes me physically recoil. I did a google image search...that was not a smart idea. The only way I could even CONSIDER this is with voluntary C-section which carries its own large risks and downsides.

Surrogacy - Not legally enforceable in the UK even if it were my egg and hubby's sperm. Would be akin to private adoption worries but with the added downside of losing a child which is genetically OURS.

If there are options I'm ignoring, or if you have anything to counter-act the overwhelming tide of downsides I'm seeing, that would be helpful. Please no rude or shaming responses.

Do you want children, OP? Real, loud, smelly, unpredictable, sicky, bolshy, lovable children, I mean?

Sometimes the disability bit is not the hard bit, it's all the rest of it!

Good point Kew!

You said you weren't equipped to deal with a child with disabilities! You cannot if you give birth naturally be assured that won't happen! How in gods green earth was it judgmental of me to point that out.

Frankly I was trying to be sympathetic even though I felt that trying to select a 'perfect' child was actually a tad judgmental in itself.

"bringing some children into our family". Sorry, others have been really, really kind to you, in spite of your touchiness. But that quotation seem to me to suggest that you think it is like shopping for shoes.

I agree with Lancelottie by the way - parenting generally is terrifying, whether your kids arrive as 'happy healthy children' or not..

Assume OP has gone off to find info elsewhere as we are all so rude and judgemental anyway..

Mabel makes an excellent point- You can't ask another woman to be a surrogate mother for your child if you really think its a process to be feared. That would be a deeply unethical thing to do.

And kewcumber's point is spot on too- you will deal with significantly more robust comments on your choices and parenting from a social worker during the adoption process than the two replies you've had here and so you need also to factor that in to your decision.

Parenthood is horribly tough at times, much tougher than these comments!

In the nicest and gentlest possible way I think you may being hearing more judging than previous posters have intended because it is (understandably) such an emotive subject for you.

I would have thought that even from just a logistical point of view, exploring the fears around birth might be a good starting point. Adoption etc are not quick processes, so even taking just 6 months (or more) to focus on the tokophobia wouldn't massively affect the timescale of any of the other options and would give you a chance to see if your feelings start to change (that said, I don't have first hand experience; I suppose others may think the sooner you get the ball rolling the better).

Also, I imagine that whilst conceiving yourself hasn't been totally put to bed, it could linger on your mind. It might be best to make sure you definitely don't want to go down that route before beginning any of the others.

It sounds like you're carefully thinking through all your options which is sensible.

And congratulations on the beginnings of your journey to parenthood!

And if you are still reading OP - I would suggest that you do some further research into the most common problems adoptive parents have with their children. I have never yet met an adopted child with RAD and "mental/learning disabiliteis" covers such a huge area that I'm not sure it's a helpful catagory - would you really be unable to parent a child with dyslexia?

Many of us felt unable to parent a child with issues we almost all wanted "children" and no doubt we wanted our children to be perfect at the time and certainly very few of us would have knowingly taken on a child with a significant disability (though I know some have) but you just can't rule it out and when our child turns out to be not quite perfect by the standards that you and others apply, we turn out to be just fine at coping with it (most of the time!) and fingers crossed by the time that any of us have to deal with additional needs we are already bonded to our child and we do the same that any other parent does in that position - you step up to the plate and deal with it.

You won't be expected to take on more than you can deal with in an adoption - you will be able to say "I don't think I can deal with that". But you will have to have a long hard cold look at your own parenting potential because one way or another adoptive parenting is "parenting plus" even with a child with no visible issues. It's just the nature of the beast.

Which is why everyone has said the best option for you will be to deal with your fear of giving birth because there are going to be additional issues with any adopted child. Even if its the mere fact that you have to guide a child through the maze of learning that their start was different to the majority of other people.

If you think 20,000 is a lot of money you need to think seriously about how much it would cost for either you (or DH) to give up your job, or for you to employ low ratio childcare for 50 hours a week. That's actually not being sarcastic because enormous numbers of people don't do those sums until they're already pregnant or later.
And as everyone else has said, kindly but robustly in the spirit of MN, the risks of disability in your biological children are statistically way greater than the hazards of a planned CS.

OP, I tried to respond helpfully, as did others, and I hope we were of some use to you. You do sound very panicked by it all, and it is indeed scary stuff - we do get that.

Just to repeat the kernel of my advice (as someone who has had a CS and adopted): having a biological child, with an elective CS, is the very easiest way forward. Having an elective CS is really not a big deal (my emergency CS wasn't a big deal, medically speaking).

In the nicest possible way, Kew is right to point out that when you become a parent - and particularly when you start the adoption process - you get people judging you ALL THE TIME. We have to grow a very thick hide!

If you do decide to take the next steps in adoption, do keep posting here for advice. We're lovely, really

OP, I really hope you take the time to read through some of the really helpful replies here. Like others have said, it's a sensitive subject and people are very willing to give you the benefit of their experience, even though it may be hard for you to read.

May I suggest that before you examine which avenue of child-rearing/family growth you go down, that you might do well to explore some of your fears around what you feel you could/couldn't cope with? Like others have said, parenting by whatever method it's achieved is a huge risk (though, obviously, some pose greater/different risks than others), nothing is certain and nothing is as controllable as any of us would like it to be. You sound very fearful (and rightly so, as all prospective parents are!) and perhaps thinking around this first it might help you to feel confident in accepting that there's a certain degree of unknowns that apply to every situation, and from there you can explore which risks you feel you can cope best with (in as far as they can be known!)

If I'm honest (whilst trying to be helpful) you will deal with significantly more robust comments on your choices and parenting from a social worker during the adoption process than the two replies you've had here and so you need also to factor that in to your decision.

Gosh, some people are so bloody diplomatic. Must learn that skill!!

OP, from what I can see, with your current attitude and outlook you really don't stand a cat in hells chance of being approved so you might as well discount adoption now.

I cannot seem to find any evidence that I might end up with happy, healthy children erm.... I think if you scan for various threads on here about successful adoption stories, a lot of us would think we had happy, healthy children with no significant mental health issues or RAD. I count myself as one person who has a happy, healthy child. I think lots of us do.

Doubt we'll see the OP back here

No April Fool joke.

I think the OP wants children but is panicking about giving birth, she's researched adoption in a fairly superficial way and so is now panicking about that too and doesn't have the self awareness to think that posting about the huge problems that adopted children have on a board of predominantly adoptive parents who love their children might not be the best route to info. She also can't be expected to understand that adopting does tend to have the effect of making you both more empathetic and much like a hardened old hag more robust.

I can remember panicking about all the problems I could face in a children adopted from overseas where the added concern of institutional behaviours and unusual medical conditions add to the mix.

There were four differences however...

1 - I was a bit older and had already been through TTC naturally and some pretty grim fertility treatment, by that time adoption seemed like a blessed relief (until I hit the problems there!)
2 - I was desperate. I wanted a child so much and adoption was the best way at that point to achieve that so I stuck my fingers in my ears and went "la la la la la" all the way to the end line. I tried to be sensible about what I could cope with but frankly by the time I was matched I think I would have accepted a puppy if they'd offered me one.
3 - I had done a lot more research - I had arranged to meet people who had adopted children and they appeared to have a pretty normal life to me.
4 - I had virtually no underlying anxieties (unless you count a fear of heights). I suspect the OP is a mass of anxiety which is informing her reactions and her use of language which is quite didactic and reads like she read about RAD and is repeating that without a real understanding of the more common issues.

From my experience of parenting an anxious child, it really isn't uncommon for people with anxiety issues to focus on the negative and catastrophise things and OP sounds just like this to me.

She would be wiser as many have pointed out to deal with her anxieties first.

That sounds very familiar, Kew. We all have a tendency in this house to think 'Oh god, there's no perfect option therefore it'll be a disaster.'

Well, except for DS2. He tends to be more of a 'Nah, it'll be fine, why worry?' type (leaving the rest of us hyperventilating on his behalf).

Sorry, I meant that your final couple of points sounded familiar!

I was terrified of giving birth despite the longing I had for a child. When I eventually got pregnant I would have panic attacks at the midwife appointments, at the hospital for scans and sometimes just lying in bed at night.
I took pregnancy one day at a time and eventually went into labour. My body (and the medical staff) just took over at that point. I did not enjoy labour one little bit. It wasn't magical or any of those things that people talk about. But, once it was over, I had my longed for baby boy and I felt like superwoman for overcoming my fears.
I am now pregnant again and, although I'm not looking forward to it, I'm a lot less fearful.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

OP, the one thing you aren't factoring in, from the sounds of it, is the fact that you will love the children and you can find joy in their achievements and be immensely proud of your child even when objectively they are ordinary or even a bit behind or even - or maybe especially - when they have a disability. I remember taking my eldest son to baby groups and thinking how ordinary everyone else's babies looked compared to my incredibly beautiful son. And EVERY other parent I have mentioned this to did the same. Objectively, do we all have children with film star looks? No. But hormones and bonding do funny things to you. If you had asked me what I wanted for my kids before I was a parent I would have said I would like them to be very clever, to have fulfilling careers, to be popular and successful. Nowadays, I realise that none of the is what really matters. If my child is happy and healthy that is enough. And happy means doing what they choose. If my son were happy as a roadsweeper - genuinely happy - that would be absolutely fine. But actually, my beautiful son - who really IS beautiful, BTW - and who is incredibly clever just as I wished, has autism and such crippling social anxiety that he is unable to speak to most people and at present I wonder if he will ever be able to have a job. And I not only cope, I delight in his triumphs even though those things are so ordinary that for many parents they would be barely worth noting. He won a science prize last year and I was brought to tears of pride, not because he won the prize (he is good at science, winning that was relatively easy for him) but because he managed - aged 12 - to walk across the stage and shake a stranger's hand. THAT was his triumph that evening, and as his parent I couldn't have been more proud.

What I am trying to say is that nobody - or very few people - wish for a disabled child, but IF you were to get one you can't say beforehand whether or how you will cope, because as yet you don't know how you will love them and how your delight in their achievements will adapt.

I wish you the best of luck and agree that your lowest risk option is to try to tackle your fear of birth.

Absolutely, Claire. I cried when DS was in the school panto (as something like 4th tree from the left, but in it).

This year he will, I hope, be leaving home to do a science degree. Getting the grades was only part of it; for him the real challenge was taking part in the open days.

clairewitch I remember after having DS for about a year saying to a friend:

"Do you know I used to listen to people say how wonderful their children were and think 'yes of course you have to say that, thats what parents are obliged to say' and I realise that they actually mean it "