FINALLY I have found other UK birth mums!!

[Fabalooloo]

Ive been searching the Internet night after night trying to find other women who are also in my situation regarding placing their child for adoption. All I've found is support groups and forums for America. I've had a little nosey on here and seen a few posts about UK birth mums

Obviously UK laws are very different on adoption than American laws. Over there they have so much say in it all and in the UK everything's alot more closed. So it would be nice to speak with some people going through the same thing. I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant and my social workers havn't even arranged a meeting with an adoption agency yet. The whole process is taking ages to get going. My SW hasn't even got experience with a woman wanting to give her baby away apparently it's really rare in the UK! Probably cos it's such a cold process. I have been told I might be able to meet the potential adoptees, however they have told me this whole process takes that long they may not even have parents in place for when the child is born! I let them know from 6 weeks pregnant! It's ridiculous.
If anyone has experience with this please get in touch
Thanks for listening.

Hi op. I'm not sure if I can help but my youngest was relinquished at birth (slightly different situation in that I already have custody of her elder sister there are also other legal factors ) voluntarily by her birth mother for many reasons. My dd was placed in my care the day she was born but this was a complex process under new concurrent planning and not the way things are usually done in the uk. Im happy to try to answer any specific questions you may have, if you feel I could help.
I hope you are ok and that you come back to this thread. This board is hugely supportive and I'm sure everyone wants to help if we can.

Thanks friendofsadgirl and also to be fair as I say most posters on this bit of mumsnet are adopters or adoption enquirers. There are a very small handful of birth mums but the circumstances of their children's adoptions (which they have been very open about) are very different to the OP.

I have messaged the OP to see if she is coming back.

I really do have to say in anyone's defence that those of us who are used to talking a lot about adoption know it is quite unusual for birth mums to relinquish babies these days and because it is so unusual maybe many of us (myself included) were a bit surprised.

Come back OP, we will be nice!!!

Just because something is unusual it isn't wrong Italian and maybe she felt bright and breezy because it's the right thing to do - or maybe she doesn't but was trying to sound friendly?

We were talking about my experience on Ainsley's thread.

This board is mostly lovely, but the idea that adoption is the ultimate last resort - only to be forced through when everyone is almost irreparably damaged - confuses me so very much. I relinquished a baby when I had her a month before I turned 16. I was immature and more like a daft 12 year old. As things turned out it's a good thing I did, although I'd never have been forced to and SS tried to put pressure on me to keep her. Luckily my Dad agreed adoption was best otherwise I think I'd have caved.

As I said on the other thread, I hate this idea I should have a huge empty hole in my heart as sorry but I don't, given the circumstances I did the best I could. I know my baby went to a loving and stable couple. I know they will have done a better job than I could have. I do not for a minute believe giving birth changed me unequivocally. Obviously I loved her in a way but the love that allowed me to be sort of unselfish. I say sort of as in a way it was selfish - for me.

Adoption gave us BOTH a fresh start and as things turned out it was for the best. Then I come on here (I always wonder if her parents are on here but I imagine not as she will be 17 next month) and everyone seems almost apologetic for their role as parents - that they can't possibly undo the tremendous hurt and that is probably true with an older child but my case is different and I think far kinder to everybody.

Yet - I'm wrong for having done it? Time and time again I see people considering relinquishing their babies and being talked out of it, when just sometimes it can be for the best.

For my part, I think the only person left alive who knows (outside of SS) is a friend of my mums. I was in year 11 when it happened and told my dad finally just after Christmas 1997 so I never went back. I had tutors for my GCSEs. Since my mum had died spring 1997 I think most people thought I had had a sort of grief stricken reaction. I went back to school to do my exams but that was it. It was a girls grammar school and we didn't get pregnant. I did my A levels at a private school some miles away, where no one knew my 'history.'

So I got the chance to start again, a couple got their dream and my daughter got stability and love - but it was wrong? How can people say this? I don't understand.

mytartanscarf I don't think anybody is saying that relinquishing a baby is wrong, only that it should not be done lightly. You know that you did what was best for your baby and yourself and I don't see why anybody would expect you to feel guilty about it.

Hi guys. I'm really sorry for not being on sooner. I did feel a little shot down at first but that was my own fault. I didn't look on this forum long enough to see that alot of women have had their child removed through no choice of their own and my post was quiet insensitive. I should have looked on the forum longer before posting such an unusual post. I guess I went about it the wrong way. But please don't anyone feel as though they have offended or upset me. Believe me this is a really nice forum compared to some I've been on. Thankyou all for your support and advice. It has been very helpful

mytartanscarf I am juts reading your post and reply at length as you posted a long reply to me and I do not want to ignore you points!

Lastinglight totally agree with you.

Fabalooloo so glad we have helped, please do keep posting if it helps you.

One thing we might be able to advise on is what is useful to pass on to your baby. EG medical information about the extended family, keepsakes from you, photos of you and extended family, if you do meet the adoptive parents a photo of you with the adoptive parents etc etc.

JUST not juts!

mytartanscarf apologies for not recognising you from the other thread. It is so unusual to have a thread like this and actually to have two at once is so rare, and I am crap with names, so apologies.

You are totally right to say the OK may have felt bright and breezy or may wish to appear so but not be so. I do tend to take everything at face value as I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. Most inconvenient! Especially when washing up!

I am very sure you did do the right thing for your baby. I had not realised you had been in the OP's shoes. I do think it is so useful to know what experience people really have. Whenever adoption pops up in the media lots of people get onto social media saying how they would 'love to take them all' and would 'take the first one I was offered and not complain' etc etc, and they have no experience at all probably. So it does help to know when someone is speaking from their own experience, as you are.

I totally do not think adoption is a last resort and am always at pains to tell people my son is NOT second best for me, even though I did try to have another baby biologically. As soon as I chose adoption to have a second child it became the very best option for me and I am regularly told how much son is one of the family, it seems he has been here for ever and I would never allow anyone to treat him differently from my dd due to adoption. But I do always encourage prospective adopters to be sure they do not want to go down the fertility treatment route before they start adoption proceedings. And likewise I think any one choosing to relinquish really needs to know they have thought about it seriously before they go down that route. NOT because adoption is bad, but because it is a very big step. For me it is a bigger step than marriage. I can say this because if I had to choose between my son and my husband, I would pick my son! I hope that all makes sense!

The OP not the OK!

mytartanscarf you said ...everyone seems almost apologetic for their role as parents - that they can't possibly undo the tremendous hurt and that is probably true with an older child but my case is different and I think far kinder to everybody.

I am not sure I recognise that from here at all. And I will say almost all of us on here (who post regularly) are parenting children who have either been taken away from negligent or abusive situations (or both) and/or were subject to substance abuse in vitro, so a very different start in life to your child or any other child who is freely relinquished.

If we do bang on about 'love is not enough' it is probably to counteract the world view that 'love is all you need' That is all. It is not about adoption as such, it is about a difficult, maybe negligent or abusive, start in life and how that may affect the development of the brain of the young child.

You also said, Yet - I'm wrong for having done it? Time and time again I see people considering relinquishing their babies and being talked out of it, when just sometimes it can be for the best.

NO, I really do not think you are wrong. Please hear that.

I for one do not want to talk anyone out of anything. I only want people to consider these things and the fact they are posting on social media means they are looking for others to talk to. Of course adoption can be for the best when a baby is relinquished.

I also think, with respect, you are confusing our (collective mumsnet voices!) concerns for this or any other woman to make an informed decision with our condemnation of you or of adoption. And I do not hear any condemnation at all here.

I cannot speak for others but please hear me I have no wish to condemn you for your choice. Or any other woman who makes this choice. But when people ask I feel I must explain my thoughts BEFORE such a decision is truly made. (EG before the child is relinquished).

I will finish by giving you one example from my own life. Maybe it will explain where I am coming from .

I started trying to conceive number 2 when dd was 9 months old! We were told we could not be considered for adoption until dd was 5.

After years of treatment our daughter turned 5 about the time we had a go with donor egg IVF and it failed. I immediately said OK off to adoption and we went on an open evening. Social workers said wait 6 months to be sure you are ready! I huffed and puffed at DH that I was ready etc and we set about waiting. Then I read something on here from a poster about something like fully exploring avenues before adoption. And then I saw a TV programme on IVF. I had seem many documentaries like this so little was new.

Then DH asked me, what do you want to do. Guess what, I said I want one more go of IVF. Long story short that turned into a fresh and frozen cycle from one donor and took about 2 years. Both cycles failed. They cost a lot of money. What a bloody waste of time.... well actually, I am glad. I was not ready for adoption. Hearing from a poster and watching a documentary did not make me not ready, it made me realise what I needed. Another go at IVF.

When we finally came to adoption our dd was almost 8, the last two years of her behaviour had been quite bad and we may well have given up our dream of another child because she was a handful. Once we finally did wait the 6 months and start the adoption route I knew I was ready and dd was much better behaved to cope with a new sibling.

A short while later (after approval) just over a year, we were hearing about the child who was to be our son. Had we gone forward two years earlier we would never have met him let alone become mum and dad to him. So, if this makes sense from the other side, informed choices lead to better decisions, not putting people off adoption (from either side of adoption).

I really hope that makes sense.

I am a huge fan of informed choice and a huge fan of adoption if it is right.

Bless you for reading all this!

This is a subject close to my heart. I was a relinquished baby many moons ago who was adopted and have subsequently gone on to become an adoptive parent. I can state categorically that there is no empty hole in my life caused by being an adoptee. I have always believed that it was better to be adopted into a family that really wanted me, rather than remain in a family that was ambivalent or worse.

My parents have sadly passed on now but I still feel no urge/need to seek out birth family, though never say never!
My brother who was adopted from a different family, did go on to locate his birth family. This was triggered by becoming a father himself and wanting more family medical information. I am aware that adoptee feelings on adoption can change at different life stages. For example it is fairly common for parenthood or death of adoptive parents to be a trigger in seeking out birth relatives.

The reason I share this is that I firmly believe each individual adoptee has their own unique experience of adoption. I know this may seem self evident. but I and my brother both feel very differently about being adopted despite being brought up in the same house with the same parents. I have a more positive experience. I have often wondered why this is? Why are are any siblings different? I guess it is down to personality and possibly resilience.

I am very open about being adopted and have literally hundreds of memories of shocked or just plain curious reactions, when I tell people I have to date no interest in locating birth relatives. This will be in response to the ubiquitous question " have you ever traced your birth family?" I used to try and ease any discomfort on the questioners part by laughingly saying "one mum is enough for anyone" But truthfully that is how I felt. I could not have loved my mum or been loved anymore by her. It is the greatest sadness of my life that she did not live to meet her granddaughter.

So, there is no prescriptive outcome for adoptees. Many adoptees will integrate being adopted into their sense of identity fairly seamlessly, others will not and may struggle with unanswered questions and the effects of drug/alcohol exposure in the womb.

For me, being adopted led to a fabulous childhood, which helped nurture the adult I am today. So it is all not doom and gloom. However my own positive story does not in anyway negate the fact that some adoptees may struggle with this aspect of their identity.

I was motivated to make this post by mytartanscarf post. No choice or outcome is ever set in stone. It is not pre determined that adoptees will have a hole in their lives, however neither cannot it be guaranteed they won't .

I think your posts are very wise - and Italian, sorry if I sounded a tad sniffy! Not intended that way at all.

I completely endorse all you say and don't for a second think any of you see your children as 'second best.' What I mean is that rather I do sometimes get a sense on here of adoptive parents seeing themselves as second best and that makes me sad. It's never explicitly said, it lingers behind the posts which talk about birth families. Sometimes the underlying sense seems to be 'we are part of the problem because in a perfect world no child would need to be relinquished or removed by SS.' True - but that's never going to happen.

I recognise how unique my situation is but just the same I think my baby was 8 months when the adoption went through? I'm sure others on here have adopted babies.

irishe I think it's not that I didn't want my daughter. I wanted her so much but as a 30 year old with a job and house and mortgage not a scared 15 year old living goodness knows where with no prospects ... (My dad wouldn't have let me stay home with a baby.) All this has been explained to her in letters. If she'd stayed with me, there'd still be 50% of her history missing - her dad's. I think that's something that just bothers some children more than others. Same with grandparents - none of mine lived beyond my pre teens and it doesn't bother me, possibly because I am so very different to everyone else in my family, so much so you could be fooled into thinking I am the adopted one!

Really, the choices for my baby were dysfunctional or not dysfunctional, I went for the latter option as I believed it to be best and still believe it to be so.

irishe thank you for sharing that is beautiful. I am so pleased for you.

If you can think of anything your parents did that was especially helpful to you, in relation to adoption, please do share it with us/me!

For example I would imagine knowing, and always knowing (if that was your experience) would be helpful, as opposed to a total shock revelation by mum and dad or even worse by another person or finding out by accident.

Nowadays I think adoptive parents are given a lot more good advice about how to 'deal' with the topic of adoption and what to share, and how.

mytartanscarf thank you. Very kind.

mytartanscarf, it is very interesting what you say. Am I the best mum for my son. In this world... I think so... In a world where no one ever was taken into care he would be with his birth family but as you rightly say that is not where we live. And whether I am best or not, I have 365 days a year to try and be the best!

When he newly came to us he complained I was not a very good mum. I was heartbroken and wanted to moan, I'm doing my best! But I just said I am sorry because you deserve the best!

Now he regularly tells me I am the best mum ever. Usually because I let him choose his favourite yoghurt (a massive family size pot of Greek yoghurt with honey)! It's still nice to hear and I know when he gives me an equally massive hug in the supermarket no one looks on and thinks I am anything other than his mum. Because that is who I am.

You know, I do see adoption as a second best. Compare the situation my children have been in, to my own life, the lives of most children I know...second best in the sense that having lost out on the same life other children get to take for granted, adoption was the best option for my children, better than any of the other possible outcomes eg. long term fostering. It doesn't mean that I am personally inferior and it certainly doesn't mean that our little family should be regarded as 'less than'...just that the situation is not what we would want for any child on this Earth. I am absolutely not part of a problem (unless you ask a group of people who shall not be named, in which case we absolutely are a massive problem ), but part of what can be the best thing for a group of children who have already been through the worst things. But at the same time, I couldn't paint a wholly wonderful, rosy picture of adoption (what gets called the 'rainbows and unicorns' narrative) because I wouldn't be being honest. I believe that all adoption starts with loss, and you can't ignore that loss or say 'oh it doesn't matter at all' because it does matter to a significant proportion of the children (and adult adoptees). We can acknowledge their loss and collectively (as a society) work towards a society where less children are in this loss situation. And we have made progress, compare the situation now to 50 years ago, it's not a hopeless task. But adoption will continue to be around, and continue to create safe and loving families and continue to be the best thing for a small group of children, and we should also celebrate these families.

Musing further...dysfunction isn't one objective thing. There are situations that everyone regards as dysfunctional AND unacceptable, but there are some set ups that some people regard as dysfunctional and other people don't. The odd thing is, I went into adoption obviously primarily to become a parent, but I also "knew" that I would be creating a functional and safe, loving family unit for a child who needed that....and um, that didn't happen!! The thing is, my two older children had and have complex needs, a very different way of relating to the world and to other people, a range of mental health and emotional and behvioural challenges...the end result is, actually together we became a safe, yes for the most part, loving without a doubt, dysfunctional family unit! You couldn't possibly describe (in my opinion anyway) family life with DD1 or DD2 as functional. That doesn't mean that we aren't a valid family, or a loving family, or a family that shouldn't exist. There are just different kinds of dysfunction, some of which are unacceptable (eg. severe abuse) and others which aren't, but are different kinds of family. Just another reality of some modern day adoptions!

OP, I realise that I've ignored you on your own thread, I'm sorry

If adoption is the right decision for you, then it's the right decision. I do appreciate it must be frustrating for nothing to be happening, and not being able to sit down and talk with one of the adoption social workers. Unfortunately pregnant women considering adoption are low down the priority list, what with the massive case loads social workers juggle. And that's not acceptable, but it does tend to be how things work. I think for any women in your area, no matter where she is in her pregnancy, would experience the same thing. I don't think the process will speed up until after the birth, when a child actually in their care means they finally have targets to reach...

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant and my social workers havn't even arranged a meeting with an adoption agency yet. The whole process is taking ages to get going. My SW hasn't even got experience with a woman wanting to give her baby away apparently it's really rare in the UK! Probably cos it's such a cold process. I have been told I might be able to meet the potential adoptees, however they have told me this whole process takes that long they may not even have parents in place for when the child is born!

It depends if your county/city council do concurrent planning or not. Concurrent planning (sorry if this has been explained already) is when a couple are approved to both adopt and foster at the same time (normally people are approved only to do one or the other). That means a child can legally be placed in an adoptive family from birth. If your council allow for concurrent planning, they may yet find parents before the birth, but if they don't have enough concurrent carers or don't do CP, then you will be going down the normal route of your baby being fostered until he or she can legally be placed in an adoptive family, which will take at least a couple of months. Your county or city/borough council are your adoption agency, since private adoption doesn't exist in this country. If you haven't met any of your council's adoption team SW's (or whichever team handles relinquished babies) to talk through the process yet, I find in my experience that being pushy is the best way to get things moving. If you don't keep contacting and pushing them, they can ignore you. Best wishes x

Lilka I do know what you're saying but I think the dysfunctional caused by children with complex needs and dysfunctional because you're immature and stupid (OBVIOUSLY I mean a teenage me, not you! ) is different.

I honestly thought children should be smacked regularly and they'd behave! Why I don't know ... I got the very occasional smack on the bum as a kid but I honestly believed smacking was the only form of discipline! I shudder when I think how easily I could have physically and mentally tortured a toddler without even recognising fully that that was what I was doing.

I can only say hands up ... I was VERY immature. The scary thing was I was good at presenting a mature 'front' to the world. I sounded sensible and level-headed but wasn't. I imagine a seventeen year old me potty training a toddler, a twenty year old me taking a child to school - it wouldn't have happened.

The issue is, for me, the alternative would have been to deny my daughter a life - to either say she shouldn't have happened or should have been terminated and quite honestly I think if I'd been more mature I would have told someone sooner and we probably would have had an abortion at 6-8 weeks and I doubt anyone would have judged me. But I didn't, so I guess once she was born it had to be what was best and that just wasn't me. If that distresses her now I feel awful for that but I hope she has the insight to recognise that things aren't black and white.

But that aside you all know what high regard I hold you in, any critical tone in my post is aimed not at YOU but at any hint you might not be the best. You are, I just pray she went to people like you.

I completely understand that Tartan and I do believe that if you make the decision that feels like the right one for you and the baby, then it IS the right decision, and certainly not a bad thing to do. We all try and do the best we can do in difficult situations and I think most adults are able to see that that's not a black and white thing

What I have to say (as a birth mum) is being a parent means loving your child and putting their needs before your own and sometimes the only way you can truly provide them all they need is by allowing them a new life. It doesnt mean I don't love my son and It didn't stop the tears falling. But what it does do is help me to find inner peace. I didn't choose to have my son adopted. However I did support the adoption order.

OP you need to be aware, and may not be aware, that the courts will seek to explore possible carers within yours, and the father's family (starting with the father). Adoption is an absolute last resort in this country and it is very very difficult, these days, to relinquish a baby for adoption. You need to urgently seek some legal advice if you are sure this is what you want. The LA won't do a lot with you until twenty weeks as that is the usual start date for intervention.
Sorry if that's disheartening. No judgement at all on your choice but you may find its not that easy to put into practice.

I'm adopting a relinquished child and to support the mothers decision the family haven't given info or permission to talk to siblings, aunties, uncles etc so ss haven't. It's gone through the legal processes fine. This is your very hard decision. Get the support and advice you need but it is still and will always be, your decision. I think you're incredibly brave. There's no easy answers or decisions but I'd hate you to feel pressured one way or another. Take care xxx

I am so pleased to have read your post tonight. My husband and I adopted a relinquished baby 9 months ago and we had a wonderful experience due to the fantastic adoption agency who handled it all. You must call them and they will chat to you about it. St Margaret's Children and Family Care Society in Glasgow. They are a voluntary organisation, run as a charity, and are so good at what they do they won an award last year and were nominated for the best adoption agency in the UK.
Our story is that we were able to take the baby home from hospital having met right after birth and therefore bond immediately with no foster parents in between. We met the birth mother and she was involved in selecting us as the family for her child. We had gone through the assessment process for over 3 years so we were well prepared. We got to meet her and members of her family and we have photos and mementos that they gave us to keep for the future.
I think you are doing such an amazing thing. Without people like you people like us would be mourning for the family we are not able to have ourselves.
I will be forever grateful to her for this wonderful thing she did for us and her baby is loved and will be given everything we can possibly provide to ensure a happy and loving and secure upbringing.
We would do it again in a second but it's such a rare occurrence nowadays because women choose to abort babies instead and so we know how lucky we are and how it is almost impossible to think it could happen again for us.
Please call Paula at St Margaret's for a chat.
Some of the posts below have given incorrect information. For instance, social services do not get involved with a relinquished baby unless you choose to go to them. Also the baby can go straight to the adoptive parents, no 6 week delay with foster care as the adoptive parents effectively act as foster carers until the adoption order is granted. But St Margaret's will talk you through all this.
Good Luck. You are doing a wonderful thing.