Going from 0-2

[KumquatMay]

Hi everyone! I am a bit of a newbie but often lurk, coming out to say hello!

Inspired by another thread about which was the hardest stage, going from 0-1 child, 1-2, 2-3 etc, I wondered if anyone could tell me about their experiences of going from 0-2 (ie. adopting siblings). DH and I have been considering adopting siblings, particularly two boys under 5, for a while and would love to hear about people's experiences - particularly if you didn't have any children before this (though all thoughts/experiences are appreciated!)

Thanks!

Hi. A bit late to the party as always but we adopted two in early 2014.

In all honesty it has been a million times harder than I expected and our two have no major issues (as yet). The biggest thing I struggled with was the total loss of my previous life. Everything I did on a day to day basis before had to be changed. However this would be true with one child I think, I guess it's just part of becoming a parent. We were fortunate enough to have sympathetic employers so I had my husband at home for most of the day for almost 5 months. My two are very close in age and so are very close. The pair of them are a little team which has advantages as well as disadvantages. The downs are the copying and bickering. Some days I feel more like a referee than a mum. We have to really make an effort to spend time individually with them. My friend compared it to having twins but harder in some ways as they are both mobile and vocal. (Disclaimer, I'm sure newborn twins are difficult in other ways). Getting used to the logistics of even popping to the shops at first was awful. Trying to get my head around how to keep an eye on two preschoolers and actually buy my shopping was daunting at first and even a year later I still haven't braved soft play on my own with them. It didn't help that one of them was a bolter (I didn't discover this until they'd been home around 3 months and she legged it in a supermarket car park)

On the positives, they do play together a lot which means I can slip away for a wee or to wash up. They really help each other. My eldest had some speech and language issues but as littlest has got older her language was more advanced so pushed him forward with his. Also, they love doing the same things so when he is learning to read or write she joins in and so is learning lots of things she wouldn't otherwise have started. They have their own little language which they used a lot at first. They would hold hands in the car.

Overall while it was hard at first to adjust to having two preschoolers, now we've established routines and boundaries (they appeared to have none at the fc) it's amazing. We truly couldn't have gotten more perfect children who amaze us every day and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Oh yeah. Going out was awful. Particularly as people assume that by the time your children are 3 you'd have some sort of idea how to handle them. Littlest was very aggressive at first. Not fun to be trying to pick her up and get her in the car while she's biting, kicking and scratching. I developed a very thick skin in those early days

Thanks so much everyone, given us so much to think about - particularly with it being harder than expected, I know it in my head (and heart!) but whenever I'm daydreaming it's always about the happy times! Good to have a reminder of the reality of it too!

The good definitely outweighs the bad. By far.

I'm not an adopter (maybe in the future) but I am a foster carer and had 2 boys aged 5 and 6 placed with me last summer who are still with me.

I was a teacher before fostering, so was used to dealing with classes of children. However, nothing prepared me for how physically exhausting I would find having 2 children constantly around! For the first couple of months I would start the bedtime routine about 7pm, leave the bedroom about 8 then go straight into mine and fall asleep! Initially they were waking about 5.30 but that has settled to 7 most days (sometimes I have to wake them up at 8 for school but that never happens on weekends!) and they will also now play for a little while in the bedroom in the mornings so I don't have to be up quite so early which helps. I need sleep!

I had never realised how much I like time on my own, and my own space, until the boys came. Previously I had loved having cuddles etc with relatives' children but suddenly having 2 children needing to constantly touch me and sit on my lap was a bit trying! Don't get me wrong, I love that they are so affectionate but sometimes I want to scream 'get off me!' when they are grabbing me round the neck for a kiss and pulling my hair, or digging their elbows and feet in me as they try and get comfy on my knee!

I can remember cracking once, about 6 weeks in, halfway through the summer holidays. I'd put them to bed but had had to get a bit cross about low level naughty behaviour. When I told my husband he jokingly said 'they're always good for me when I put them to bed.' Which by then he'd probably done twice! Anyway, that was it, I ranted about how he was better than me, I wasn't good enough, I couldn't do it, I was soooo tired etc. He told me I was doing great and sent me to bed. I think the problem had been that I'd been out with friends the night before and got in about 11 and just couldn't cope with such a late night at that stage! I went out again a couple of weeks ago and really noticed the difference - I wasn't totally exhausted the next day!

I do still have days when I wish I didn't have to go out on the school run, or I wish I could have a lazy weekend doing nothing instead of going to parks and soft play areas, but I don't regret going in for it and I love the boys dearly. That said, I sometimes feel I am not properly 'enjoying' them as I constantly feel a little stressed. I worry about things like I'm not playing with them enough, I should have got their reading up to a higher standard by now, I let them watch too much TV, I didn't deal with certain behaviour in the right way etc etc! I'm hoping that as time goes on I will relax more with the boys and any future children that come along. Good luck

Thanks so much, that's a wonderful story Kitsandkids - sounds like you're doing a great job!

We went from no children to 2....aged one and a half and two and a half about 2 years ago. I agree, so, so, hard!

In the beginning I didn't know these children and it was hard to bond with them. The youngest took a while to attach to me and would scream if I went near her, and the oldest had some behavioural issues. It was a fun winter!

I found friends and family just couldn't understand this....would invite me to go to soft play with them and then turn up 20 minutes late and just didn't understand how the routine to the children was massively important. And how hard it was to just get them in the car and normal things. As you don't have a pregnancy or a newborn there is no warm up period....you can't meet friends in Starbucks for a coffee and a cuddle! Because of this a lot of people thought we were being rude and unsociable .

I now find that although it got easier it is now hard again as the oldest is in reception but is seeing me do things with the younger one and getting massively jealous as she's never had any one to one time. We're trying to do something about it but as everyone knows it's had to juggle everything!

I find I always feel guilty, I never feel I'm doing things right as one always wants something.

However, me and my husband agree that every now and then they will do something....a dance together, or a cuddle out of nowhere and that's it....it's all worth it.

Something else to add....with 2 there are much less offers of babysitters! We have never spent a night apart from them in 3 years and probably had a handful of very quick evenings out....we've always put them to bed. I'm not moaning but going through the adoption process some family members were saying they couldn't wait to babysit and 2 would be no problem.

However they don't understand these are 2 adopted children that they don't know and they're not prepared to make the effort to get to know them. Again they haven't had the newborn stages of cuddles and looking after them when it's more about feeding times and nap times.

I wouldn't have it any other way but only we can see just how far they have com.e. People like to compare them too which winds me up....my eldest was in a lot of foster homes and generally struggles with people so is less affectionate whereas my youngest would cuddle anyone. Some see this is rude and don't understand that although they are siblings they have had different backgrounds.

Really useful post! I am also a newbie KumquatMay who is just starting stage one and will be going from 0-2 too. Very nervous!

Nice to see all the differing opinions -i'd have been worried if everyone had said it would be easy, so relieved most have found it a challenge as i expect i will too :D

Yeh, it's definitely helpful to know that people aren't sugar-coating it! Good luck Noodles31 - I keep swinging back and forth between impatient excitement and sheer terror! Imagine that those feelings don't stop either!

We went from 0-2 with a six month old and a 18 month old. This was 2 years ago. We were approved for 0-5 year old so were surprised when we were matched with 2 so young. Its a lot of fun but its very hard work!

One of the surprises was how physical it is, not just tiring but aching, sore bodies from carrying around a baby and a grieving toddler who you are trying to promote attachment with. It is very hard to get a break- I had images of partner taking kids to the park and me having a lie in at weekend and this happens occasionally but most of the time both of us need to be on duty as it's hard hard work just to keep them safe! The 12 month age gap is a contributing factor to how hard it is but I suspect quite a few adopted siblings are close and in some ways it is a good thing too.

Having 2 at same time makes attachment trickier, there is less time or energy for 1-1 games or eye gazing activities. There is a lot of competition for my affection and they have both attached stronger to me than my partner. With 2 toddlers you are constantly 'herding cats' which can leave me a bit grumpy so it's harder to be fun, gentle bonding Mama!

I love watching the relationship they have with each other and they play really nicely together most of the time. They really love each other and I hope they will continue this through life.

I come from a fairly big, chaotic family and would not have felt complete with 1 child, I really enjoy them both and wouldn't change it for the world but sibling adoption is not for the faint hearted!

Bump for naming

My DH and I had our hearts set on siblings and were matched with 2 boys (2 & 5) who moved in 4 months ago. As everyone has said above it is the hardest thing we have ever done, but is slowly getting there.
Our parenting style is very different than we imagined it would be, and only in the last few weeks have we really started to bond as a family.

My DH is the currently the SAHP, which isn't what we had originally planned but financially it made sense. That is tough for both of us, I am envious of the time he gets to spend with the kids and sometimes find it difficult when as soon as I get home to a grumpy DH I'm assaulted with a list of misdemeanors/squabbles that have occurred. and find it hard not to get annoyed that the washing hasn't been done even though the kids have been at nursery/school for a large portion of the day

I guess we didn't really think about was how isolating female dominated toddler groups can be for a male parent. He has tried lots of different ones but hasn't felt able to 'fit in', so at times it can be awkward for him.

My top tip (to echo the above) is to look after yourselves. It is the most challenging of times. You will make 'mistakes' but learn from them and move on (it's hard not to dwell on things you wish you hadn't done or said but focus on the good things - however small).
Make sure you both schedule some regular slots with friends that will listen to you vent (or in the case of my DH some adult conversation that isn't centered around the children)

If you had asked 2 months ago I would have told you to run for the hills, but now .... I wouldn't change our family :-)

oops - just realised I have added to a bump - rather than an active thread

Themoleandcrew "they would hold hands in the car".. Beautiful, I got a lump in my throat reading that :)