Difficult night

[Kewcumber]

I'm not sure I should be posting this on here. Even though I seem to be quite open about things despite being identifiable in RL I actually don't share much in the way of details.

But I think I need to share and get some input and this is probably the best place for it. Brace yourself, it's a bit long.

DS (as many of our children do) operates from a higher anxiety base than most children, his "norm" is what others would probably consider to be anxious in their children though he has learnt to cover it up better over time. So we live life on a spectrum from slightly anxious to full on phobia, OCD handwashing and hyper-vigilance. It peaked a couple of summers ago and hasn't been as bad since but it does fluctuate up and down.

DS's sleeping has deteriorated recently (last month or so, I can;t pinpoint exactly) - he's not usually a great sleeper though that's possibly because he just doesn't need as much as other children. But have regressed back to not being able to get to sleep easily (calling out repetitively "night mum") and waking two or three times a night and getting in with me at around midnight/1am. He's also more "tactile" during the day - needs to hold on to me when we sit down, and has been holding hands with me a bit more (had previously considered himself too grown-up!).

So last night he got out of bed at about 10pm and came downstairs to see me (he never does this, he just shouts to me so he can hear that I'm there) looking visibly distressed and was unable to talk. Just stood looking at me. So we played 20 questions and I eventually managed to get out of him what the problem was.

He is having "dreams" (I think it may have started as a dream but may be now him just thinking about it in bed) that everyone he loves/knows has died in a disaster leaving just him on his own. The only people left on earth are people who hate him.

I felt/still feel totally inadequate and terrified of cocking it up.

I said it was good to talk about these fears and that I could imagine that would be a very scary thought and it would scare me even as an adult. We talked about how its OK to be scared by your thoughts but that you needed to understand how likely they were to happen and to think about the difference between things that were real and were fears inside your head. I compared the "real" things to be scared of as being crossing the road and riding your bike and how you can help yourself by learning to do it safely etc.

I explained that thoughts inside your head still belonged to you and though it might not seem like it, you could influence them. I said it was like being the director of a film and that you could decide you didn;t like the plot or the characters and you could choose to do other things to make the film better - like planning a bunker under the house or giving all your "gang" diamond armour like minecraft (OK probably not the best analogy but I was thinking on the hoof) about how films might be dramatic but they always ended well and that he could choose to change his thoughts to something better but that he was probably going to have to practice that.

I said the alternative was to just acknowledge his thoughts then move on to something real that made him feel happy like our recent holiday.

I also decided to tell him why I thought he had thoughts like this which I'm still not sure was a good idea. I said when he was very small until he was 1, he changed where he lived and who looked after him about every three months. And that though as adults we would understand that those people and places hadn't really disappeared and that they were just looking after different children that it probably felt to a small child like they had all disappeared and that whilst babies brains weren't organised enough to remember it properly which would make it easier to discuss and get through that they did remember the feelings they had at that time and that probably why he was "remembering" that feeling.

I have no idea whether this approach is OK or whether it will help and I'm really unsure whether talking to him about why he might have these fears is a bit too deep.

I feel like I'm floundering a bit. I have a consultation with the EP and DS's teacher on 3rd Feb so will mention this to her as part of his anxiety issues but I doubt she'll have time at that point to get into it much.

So what's the verdict? Should I continue on this road or try a differnt tack, should I bring him back into my bed at night and give up any pretence of him going into his own bed or agree with him that he should go to bed in his bed - perhaps with a nightlight and get into mine when he wakes up.

Sorry thats so long, I've tried to paraphrase - it was a long conversation (and a long night!)

Kew a cousin of mine who is a single mother (although since remarried) always had her son in her bed until he was at least 10 or 11. He has turned out extremely well very independent and everything really you could wish for in a young man (he is 18 and about to go to university) One son definitely didn't want to sleep in our bed after the age of 8 but the other one would come in occasionally at 10 or 11 too! Dd aged 12/13 still absolutely loves sleeping on a mattress in our room. I think we throw children out of our bedrooms much to early. In the old days no-one had the space to sleep by themselves - a bed or a room of your own was a complete luxury.

I used to have that very dream. That everyone was dead and I was the only survivor and I had to learn to manage for myself in a difficult situation - find my way home etc etc. Over and over again with variants,aged about 7 - 9. I was not adopted but my mum had been very ill when I was little for a short time and had often gone on holiday without me. I think it is important to think of dreams as a way to throw out the toxins rather than prophetic. So you dream of bad things and then your brain is free of them. I think you should reassure ds that his brain is making sense of worries and healing the anxiety that way whilst he is asleep. I think they found that when people don't dream their sleep is very unrefreshing.

All my children sleep happily now in their own rooms btw - I am just saying it is a natural instinct to seek reassurance when you sleep (think cavemen round a fire) and it has been "cultured" out of us in a way. How many people do you know who let dogs sleep on their bed? Lots, it is as much for their own reassurance as the dogs...but it is more culturally acceptable to have a dog on your bed than an older child in your room

I have/had anxiety and so wish you were my mum! Fab.

Thats very sweet of you BigPaws - I may be old enough to be your mum!

We have in the past had conversations about who would look after him if anything happened to me. It may be grim but it was important for him to know. and he is really settled with that idea. The problem with this dream/thought is that it takes it a stage further with everyone except people who hate him dying.

The more I think about it the more I think that maybe reassuring him that his brain is probably processing the feeling he has kept inside for years is a good way to go. I feel that anchoring his concerns in the past/present rather than him feeling that it's some kind of prophesy for the future (which is what I suspect he thinks) is somehow healthier.

Anyway I've put him to bed in my bed tonight with him saying to me "So its like a film, Mum, and I can change the plot?".

Bless him, he's such a trooper.

I haven't heard a peep out of him since and I will be going to bed early myself to try to avoid him waking at midnight. I doesn't really worry me sleeping with him. I spent years doing it until he was about 7 and frankly it's a small price to pay for his peace of mind.

Thank you for all your comments they have all been helpful. This parenting business is a bit hit and miss really isn't it?

I think you handled it really well (and I have a very anxious adopted DD).

I suspect he has been quite affected by the recent death and funeral. Hopefully it's just a passing anxiety (on top of his general anxiety) I think it would be fine for him to share a bed with you if he needs to.

Another example you could use when talking about thoughts is that they are like clouds, imagine them floating past with words written on them, you can choose which ones to keep (the helpful ones) and which ones to laugh at/ignore/ or pop with your imagination.

Have you heard of "the work" by Byron Katie? It's a process where you question your thoughts. There's some stuff on YouTube.

EMDR is very interesting too and I have heard good stuff about it and know adults who have benefitted from it.

Thank you Rain, I'll look up Byron Katie - you and Lilka have had so much more to deal with this year I feel a bit fraudulent getting worked up about it. But when it's your child it doesn't matter how much harder someone else's child has it you just want to fix everything for your's.

I suspect the funeral didn't help (though I'm not totally convinced and will probably never know) but tbh he was showing disturbed sleep and other signs of increasing anxiety levels before Xmas so who knows. His anxiety levels fluctuate so much, sometimes for obvious reasons sometimes inexplicably.

Your gorgeous brave boy. Hope he has a better night

No worries Kew, we just all have different "normal"s! DD got really upset just seeing a hearse with a coffin inside and an older cousin explaining it all to her, that's what made me think. Death is so taboo and so hidden from children in our society, when you have a child with experiences of loss, suddenly being confronted by the reality of it can be very shocking. As you say, this was building for some time though. Triggers for our children can be anything and we are very unlikely to pick up on them ourselves which makes it harder for us to help our children interpret their worlds (clumsy sentence apology)

Triggers for our children can be anything and we are very unlikely to pick up on them ourselves yes if only the little buggers came with a manual.

Sounds like you handled it great to me, Kew. dd1 is very anxious and does lots of late-night catastrophising - I like your analogy of movie-making and will try it with her.

I don't think Kewboy is too young for you to explicitly acknowledge what has happened in his past - I'm sure it's a relief for him to have help making sense of it.

Huge sympathies for your disrupted evening. I came down and had my tea at 10.30, after many hours dealing with a hysterical dd2 who doesn't want me to go out of town for a funeral tomorrow. I'll actually only be away from home for the same hours as if I was going to the office, but she's freaked about me leaving the city. In the end I asked her, "Are you scared I won't come back?" and she said yes. Sometimes it helps to get down to brass tacks.

Well you handled it much better than I would have I think - well done.

I don't think you can promise you'll never leave but can you tell him that you have made arrangements should (god forbid) anything happen to you and he would live with people he loved and who loved him? Could you say they in turn would make similar arrangements as infinitum.

I was a very anxious kid especially due to a sudden death of a close relative before we were 10. The whole 'people young don't die' obviously didn't wash with me and nor did 'it's very unlikely' because it was soooooo unlikely my relative would die and so sudden but it did happen. What I needed to know was what if it did? I'm still like this - I have to work through worst case scenarios to their end point iyswim? It helps me get a handle on my fears.

Can you explain to him that there is a whole society who would look after his welfare? Could you explain that most people don't hate people and if they do it is usually only with good reason? I'm 33 for example and I personally don't hate anyone I've ever met.

Ignore me if I'm being too simplistic sorry.

Can you explain to him that there is a whole society who would look after his welfare? Could you explain that most people don't hate people and if they do it is usually only with good reason? I'm 33 for example and I personally don't hate anyone I've ever met.

Ignore me if I'm being too simplistic sorry.

I have just had another thought.

Ds1 14 years(who is dyspraxic)used to suffer a lot aged about 9/10 from saying that he was worthless and no-one liked him (all linked to problems at school) I used to have sit on his bed at bedtime and make him laugh in order to get him out of this mindset - the reassuring never went anywhere to the root of the problem - I had to just remind him how it felt to laugh and be happy (funny stories about my childhood,funny memories about his siblings) He very seldom does this now although he can still get upset about some of the problems caused by his social communication issues, being bad at PE etc. He knows by repeated reinforcement that he IS good at lots of things and he is valued for those particular things (lovely smile, enthusiasm, liking films, getting up and going to school every day, joining in when he is initially shy, telling a good joke) I think that is the only way I could get through to him that he was worth something when he went through the stage of doubting his place in the world and lashing out at those who made him feel bad. I think your description of ds's low self esteem is absolutely at the heart of how he is feeling (everyone hates him in his dream) I don't think it is enough to know your immediate family loves you - sometimes you have to feel that you can survive in the wider world and give something to the wider world - that your self esteem has its "proof" in the way the world perceives you.

Obviously the love and attachment you give your child comes first but children aren't stupid and it matters to them what everyone else thinks of them - teachers, classmates. They very quickly form negative opinions of themselves based on how others react to them outside the home and when they are placed in situations where they are at risk of criticism. It is so hard as there isn't much you can do to shield a child from some criticism.

I am home educating my second son now and he is finding enormous confidence in not having to negotiate the minefield of other people's negative reactions. But that is a different story.

Another thought from me too. I have started doing positive affirmations with DD, looking in a mirror and repeating positive phrases about herself. I do it with her and have shown her that you can't just say the words, you have to feel what's it's like to feel what you are saying so "I am loved" say it, pause, feel it, say it again, repeat etc.

Our advice from CAMHS was what you are doing. We also used EMDR and that has been helpful.

The dreams do come from a fear of loss- and talking about the loss, like the dreams helps to process the loss. I hope I'm not sounding like I am teaching you to suck eggs when I say that there can be triggers to these feelings, weather, smells, events, faces, body shapes, and they can let through a trickle or a flood gate of stuff into the mind that needs processing, which is hard when they can't remember what they are processing.
Sometimes it is age, changes mentally and emotionally as they mature can trigger then to process, 7 is one age, 9/10 is apparently another.
Christmas may have played a part. It is a confusing and busy time, and placement/coming home is a confusing busy time.

Our advice was to be open honest and accept where this is coming from. Just keep talking about it. Our LO struggled in terror with the dark- I am sure many non adopters will come on and tell me so does there child, but our child was left alone in the dark with a bottle of milk or two sometimes to get through a day or two. Knowing the reason why the fear is there helps to rationalize it and that helps take the edge out. It takes away some of the fear of the unknown. He is still scared and uncomfortable in the dark but it is better when he reminds himself of why.

Transitioning states of the security of the attachment can cause a few steps back before they take several steps forwards. Like his editing to change the plot he can retread the path of his attachment more confidently knowing what is coming up reinforcing and strengthening the progress before he takes the next steps forwards in his security that this is how it is, safe loving and secure.

We have also had dreams. An angry bear person features. We can talk about why those dreams might come about and how babies and toddlers see people..

When it all gets dredged up so does the fear that you will leave them, go disappear, abandon them, and that can trigger the anxiety behaviours.

Have you done life story work with your son- I know here many of us are given some photos if we are lucky and a bit of a glib, "it was all so lovely bit unfortunate but,,," type of life story books- but a lot of work can be done to fill in the gaps and fears with life story work IF it is done properly not prettified.

Art therapy might help with the fears as well?

My question about life story is because I realize you may not have had the story book presentation from SWs but it may still be worth putting something together for him to work through with you.

Sometimes fear and anxiety comes from lack of confidence/low self-esteem; things are so frightening because we lack confidence in our own ability to cope with them.

I work with children (not specifically adopted children though) and sometimes building their confidence by highlighting how capable they are and/or teaching them a new skill can really help lower anxiety levels.

It might help to work on acquiring a new skill together, something self-care based could be good as it's a 'being by himself' based fear. Cooking, doing laundry, making a cup of tea, crossing the road independently, paying in a supermarket etc. Anything that will increase his confidence in his own abilities.

Kew. You never fail to amaze me. Truly you don't. You have handled this really, really well. You've given him reassurance, you've given him reasons and you've given him coping techniques.

I agree that you can't say 'You'll always be there' - we just don't know what's around the corner, but you can, as I'm sure you do, tell him that no matter what, you would never, ever choose to leave him.

He's old enough and mature enough to understand that the thoughts he is having are unrealistic, no matter what awful thing happened to our planet, there's no way he would only be left with people that hate him. So, I think you can make him see that the 'fear' of that is unreasonable iyswim.

As for where he sleeps, do whatever works for you. There is should. My friend's 9yo DD sleeps with her (she's a single parent), no particular reason except my friend works long hours and her DD misses her. She's perfectly fine on school trips, sleep overs etc.

You're a star! you're lucky to have each other x

Outraged that would be a good idea except that I'd be struggling to work out what new task would build his confidence...

He plays rugby, football, tennis and badminton all pretty well and was footballer of the term in his first term (last term). He has been making me tea since he was 7 () started cooking just before Xmas and has been making dinner once a week since.

He has gone to the local shop on his own and would stay on his own for 30 mins but currently isn't doing that am I'm reluctant to push it.

I really think his lack of self-esteem is down to something deeper as he really is a very capable and quite confident (outwardly) child.

Putting him to bed in my bed with the lamp still on and instructions that he can stay provided he is asleep by the time I get to bed has been working well so we'll stick with that for now.

Thank you Chipping - I'm sure if you thought about it I'm not doing anything much different to what other parents do with their children when they go through tough patches. I'd just be happier if there was some kind of loud buzzer that went off if you wander off course as a parent so you know when you're doing it wrong!

If camhs can't offer anything can your adoption support team help at all?
My county is currently piloting the adoption support fund which can pay for therapies. It's fantastic.
Maybe ask about what they can provide.
It sounds as if a theraplay approach would help soothe him but you also sound Marvelous.