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Original poster

'So you couldn't have your own then'

26 replies

RaspberrySnowCone · 21/01/2015 09:28

As we are recently approved we won't be telling everyone openly just yet but I did tell a work colleague last week and after congratulations etc this was the response. She wasn't being nosey or nasty, it was just her gut reaction I think - any ideas for friendly quick responses that won't lead to further interrogation of my sex life and fertility?? as she then went on to tell me about a friends friend who tried for years, quit her job and fell pregnant straight away. Wonderful for them but..... I don't want be defensive or rude, I jut want to keep people on the positives that we will be welcoming a beautiful little person into our family very soon :) any ideas?

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Slothlorian · 21/01/2015 09:54

No ideas - some people speak before thinking and let u know far more about them in the process. But I just want to wish u all the very best and tell u that u are amazing.

Kewcumber · 21/01/2015 10:55

I find humour is the only way to go if you don't want to be rude to a nice person who is being thoughtless.

"No we thought we'd rent one instead"

And you will never get away form the "Oh my Auntie Nellie tried until she was 92 but once she'd relaxed and given up she got pregnant with triplets"

The only response to this after years of attempting every kind of reply is:

"How nice for her" if you like followed by a firm "however we are adopting and we are so excited about it"

PlumpingUpPartridge · 21/01/2015 11:02

"No, we could easily have our own but I didn't fancy the stretch marks and potential bucket fanny. Also, I quite enjoy having to jump through multiple bureaucratic hoops and exposing my private life to semi-public gaze - it gives me an almost voyeuristic thrill, you know?"

Is what I'd like to say!

In practice, I'd probably start the conversation with something like "As you know, we want kids but have had a hard time. So we've applied to adopt and have been approved and are SO EXCITED!" If you mention the topic of your sex life etc briefly then most people shy away from raising it again and will follow your emphasis, as it were - so focusing on the adoption and imminent small person, which is of course fabulous news Grin

Buster510 · 21/01/2015 11:38

I get that all of the time 'When are you going to have your own?'; DH and I haven't tried yet for 'our own!' as these people like to put it, circumstance meant we adopted first. I always reply with we already have one child and we may try for another in the future at some point..

One of my grandmothers who we only see about twice a year started chatting IN FRONT of DS about his 'mum' (as in referring to BM), asking her height etc, I was mortified. Thankfully DS thought she was on about me.

But yes back to the OP I think if you just respond with how excited you are etc, you don't need to 'explain your reasons' so to speak. People usually get the hint I find. Often they respond with 'oh yes of course I didn't mean 'your own' or something.

Congrats on your recent approval :)

CateBlanket · 21/01/2015 11:49

A smile and a "she is our own" has worked for me for the past 9 years :-). If I think that's going to be met with a "oh no, what I meant was ..." then I let the smile turn steely just to let them know that particular conversation is over.

WerewolfBarMitzvah · 21/01/2015 11:55

How rude. I would say DP had terrible aim and keeps getting it in the wrong hole.

Actually Cate has the best reply.

Congrats on your approval!

Original poster
RaspberrySnowCone · 21/01/2015 12:44

Thank you, some great and lovely replies! I think I'll go with Cate for the well meaning questions and stick to the 'they will be my own' and Kew for the nosey ones! That particular person was actually very excited and pleased and asked all about the process but eventually I know quite a few pushy nosey/rude people and I just need to prepare myself because I don't want it to take the shine off our excitement sharing our news.

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Kewcumber · 21/01/2015 13:45

Oh I can provide any number of subtley rude responses (and some not so subtle). But if you ever plan to use any of them you really do have to rehearse because its quite hard to be tough with people if you've been trained to be polite.

Funnily enough you get much tougher when your child starts getting exposed to these kind of comments - however well intentioned.

LastingLight · 21/01/2015 14:32

I say the same thing as Cate, it works well: "Oh but she is my own, who else's would she be?"

Kewcumber · 21/01/2015 15:12

I think you also need to consider if someone really is just being nosy or just doesn't understand the language that adoptive families prefer to use because of the connotations of the language.

In the past I have said...

My own? This child will very much be my own, I think you probably mean "birth or biological" child, do you?

CateBlanket · 21/01/2015 16:21

Forgot to congratulate you, OP Flowers

You need to learn to say to both well-meaning and nosey people "that's personal" or "we don't discuss that". It's not easy - I had to go on a course FFS! - but it's essential to protect your child's privacy. Say it with a smile but without further explanation.

Velvet1973 · 21/01/2015 17:09

Congratulations. I'd love to use plumpingups reply! Brilliant!
Sadly I think it's something we all get used to and then some. We've had our lo with us for just over 4 weeks on a foster to adopt placement and when the health visitor rang returning my call to register him she questioned whether we had other children. When I said no her response was - all be it said with the best intentions -" oh goodness that must be very hard as your first, especially with someone else's child!"
Sadly I couldn't think of a quick enough response!

Squigglypig · 21/01/2015 18:17

The response that annoys me A LOT is, oh well now you are approved you'll probably get pregnant straight away as you won't be worrying about it. I've had this from a couple of close friends and I'm genuinely baffled as (1) they know our reasons for adopting - I found out after my DD was born that I carry a gene that means that means there's a high chance any child we have will have significant learning disabilities; and (2) why the heck would we what to risk getting pregnant when we are approved and have our hearts set on adopting a LO.

I find it baffling and perturbing that people I really rate clearly think that.. well actually I'm not sure what they think but there seems to a presumption that accidentally getting pregnant and giving birth to a child even with all the risks involved is somehow a better result that completing our family by adoption.

drspouse · 21/01/2015 18:21

We have two DCs who are biologically related and when people say "oh, they are siblings?" we say "yes, I'm their mum and DH is their dad".

morethanpotatoprints · 21/01/2015 18:26

I am adopted and there were 2 questions people used to ask that made my blood boil

  1. Are you going to find your real mum.
I wanted to scream, but bit my lip and said I have a real mum and a real Dad I love them very much.
  1. Couldn't they have their own kids?

Yes, they had me and my 2 dsis (also adopted), we are their kids.

Sometimes people speak without thinking and as you suggest, don't mean to be mean.

I can once remember my mum telling somebody we were adopted and them saying, "Oh they're not yours then". So upsetting, but mum didn't waiver.

Kewcumber · 21/01/2015 19:08

Slightly on topic...

I have been reiterating to DS that he isn't obliged to tell anyone about his adoption - even adults and that he can say "my mum says I don't have to talk about that if I don;t want to"

And today he said that one of the TA's asked him where he was from (which is frankly a bit of a bizarre question to ask in a multicultural london primary school. And he said "I don't want to talk about that"

Now TA was probably a bit confused because she was probably meaning to ask what his ethnic background was and it was nothing to do with adoption at all but DS conflates asking where he comes from with adoption so I was quite proud that he managed to say that he didn't want to talk about it.

Original poster
RaspberrySnowCone · 21/01/2015 22:42

Thank you for the congratulations :)

Kew, bless your little man, it's great that he's feeling confident to say when he doesn't want to talk about it.

I think, like touched on by a few up thread, that for the majority of people saying silly things like the comment that has bugged me is just a language thing and people are curious because they only know what they see on the TV so are fascinated, they don't actually mean to get to personal or be rude. I do need to work through it though as it felt very different saying it out loud and saying it in my head. I will definitely need to feel confident for when LO comes along and everyone will ask about their background.

I've had a think this evening and decided that I will start to rehearse a very polite 'I'm sorry but that's a very personal question which I'd rather not focus on but the whole family is very excited that xx will soon be here'. I'm quite good at being blunt but it does feel a bit strange being at this point and about something so personal to us. It's like your life on a plate and everyone seems to think it's their bloody business!

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Kewcumber · 21/01/2015 22:57

everyone seems to think it's their bloody business!

Ha ha ha... welcome to the world of adoption!

Barbadosgirl · 21/01/2015 23:06

I just say that I hadn't heard great things about childbirth. Then wander off.

eurochick · 21/01/2015 23:10

Raspberry, this just popped up in active convos. I am so thrilled to see you are nearly there! :)

bberry · 22/01/2015 10:25

When dd1's little sister joined us and I into her as dd1's sister people ask, oh, her actual sister? Yes, her biological sister, really? Same dad?

Honestly, would you ask a birth mum if her children had the same dad?

Welcome to inappropriate questions, just wait till the "advice" how to parent your adopted child begins

Smile, ignore, "it's their story to know, it's not something I discuss" etc...

Congratulations Smile

Original poster
RaspberrySnowCone · 22/01/2015 12:37

My counsellor talked me through the 'smile and nod' technique when I was seeing her because I was getting so frustrated. Smile, nod and just stop listening :)

Thanks euro! I do pop into besh from time to time to say hello. Hope you're doing well :)

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Kewcumber · 22/01/2015 12:44

Oh smile and nod is excellent - I have used that so much that my neck feels hinged at the back.

eurochick · 22/01/2015 13:27

Yes, doing well, thanks. I've just gone back to work and can't say I'm enjoying it but C seems to be surviving daddy daycare. :). Can't wait to hear more about your new addition very soon.

Original poster
RaspberrySnowCone · 22/01/2015 17:52

Thanks Euro. Can't believe how quickly it's gone since she arrived! Time flys :/

Smile and nod it is then Kew :D

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