Starting to wonder if this is adoption-related?

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

DD (2) is a sociable wee soul, once she gets over initial, appropriate, shyness. She does struggle a bit with seeing people and then them going away, which seems logical, given the upheavals she's had. We have just reassured and she's settled down quite quickly.

However, there are two teenage girls at church who she seems to have constantly in her mind. She asks for them repeatedly, every day, all through the week.

They are nice girls, who make an effort to play with her, but we don't know them particularly well. DD gets a bit overcome when she actually sees them, so doesn't speak v much.

It just seems to be building into a bit of an obsession and is starting to feel a bit odd.

Is this a typical toddler thing? And how do I help her take it down a notch?

Sterling - I understand that you want to reassure OP that this could be a normal phase but it could equally likely be the early signs of an attachment issue. IME some degree of attachment problem is the norm rather than the exception with adopted children of the course of their childhood.

I allowed myself to be convinced by well meaning non-adopters that DS's issues which began to show at this age were "normal" and that he would grow out of them. They weren't and he didn't and now we are having to look into more significant intervention that just tweaking your parenting style back to a more attachment friendly one.

It's you who she calls for at night and it's you who she looks for when needing comfort. This does not preclude there being an attachment problem. DS is very attached to me, he has no issue calling out for me or coming to me for comfort. Attachment issues don;t just present as attached/not attached.

DS for example is very attached for me but has an insecure attachment style - for example he is very worried that if he does something wrong his key attachment figures (mostly me but it does encompass other family members and to a degree teachers too) will reject him which leads to significant issues with self esteem and other problems.

Please don't dismiss OP's concerns albeit I'm sure that you want to reassure her, because you really have no way of being sure that this is just a phase/normal/her personality and there is nothing to be lost and a lot to be gained by practicing good attachment parenting techniques.

Sterling - I understand that you want to reassure OP that this could be a normal phase but it could equally likely be the early signs of an attachment issue. IME some degree of attachment problem is the norm rather than the exception with adopted children of the course of their childhood.

I allowed myself to be convinced by well meaning non-adopters that DS's issues which began to show at this age were "normal" and that he would grow out of them. They weren't and he didn't and now we are having to look into more significant intervention that just tweaking your parenting style back to a more attachment friendly one.

It's you who she calls for at night and it's you who she looks for when needing comfort. This does not preclude there being an attachment problem. DS is very attached to me, he has no issue calling out for me or coming to me for comfort. Attachment issues don;t just present as attached/not attached.

DS for example is very attached for me but has an insecure attachment style - for example he is very worried that if he does something wrong his key attachment figures (mostly me but it does encompass other family members and to a degree teachers too) will reject him which leads to significant issues with self esteem and other problems.

Please don't dismiss OP's concerns albeit I'm sure that you want to reassure her, because you really have no way of being sure that this is just a phase/normal/her personality and there is nothing to be lost and a lot to be gained by practicing good attachment parenting techniques.

The only thing I will say about the bottle, is that it may have provided comfort as she went to sleep in the cot, because that is what she had taught herself. So she may be missing that.
Could you find something else for comfort, a step forward might be placing a piece of used clothing of yours in the cot at night for her to have the reassuring smell of you.
Keep babying her for comfort, for the things that she missed. If she needs to go back a stage let her, it isn't holding her back it's helping her forwards.

As Kewcumber says you assess and reassess constantly, and responding to your child is not failing them, it is meeting their needs.
You have done really well to see that their might be a problem and to try and ask for advice.

The only thing I will say about the bottle, is that it may have provided comfort as she went to sleep in the cot, because that is what she had taught herself. So she may be missing that.
Could you find something else for comfort, a step forward might be placing a piece of used clothing of yours in the cot at night for her to have the reassuring smell of you.
Keep babying her for comfort, for the things that she missed. If she needs to go back a stage let her, it isn't holding her back it's helping her forwards.

As Kewcumber says you assess and reassess constantly, and responding to your child is not failing them, it is meeting their needs.
You have done really well to see that their might be a problem and to try and ask for advice.

Girls - I agree re the bottle. Only useful for attachmnt if she lies in your arms and makes eye contact with you while you feed her.

Copper - I think you should trust your instincts re your DD. Whether her behaviour is " normal " for bio kids is almost irrelevant -it's not healthy for adopted kids . It's not behaviour that builds attachment with her main carer/s.

Her rejection of your intimate care of her ( bathing, changing ) is a worry TBH

Coudl you get her into the buggy again ? Especially if you have one that's rear facing . I would stop all the holding hands /sitting on laps with other adults , except you and your partner

I'm sorry , I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear. But I see some red flags here and would be taking action now .

And yes, other people will roll their eyes I'm afraid . So be prepared . They won't understand.

I missed P2 of this when I posted

I think with non adopters a couple of thoughts spring to mind

They may say all children do that- but actually it may just be their child does that or a few other children also do that, and actually if you watch very closely the way Copper's child and Girls child behaves when doing it will be subtly or noticeably different from the way Starlight or other people's children do something. If a parent isn't worried about a behaviour then OK, but when as a parent you are concerned, then there is probably a reason to be concerned, and the thing with attachment issues is they are like mushrooms in spring time, one or two little thing but come autumn they are just everywhere lots and lots, so it is best to be prepared and react accordingly.

I think sometimes people or quick to criticize your parenting when they are very insecure about how they have parented, are parenting or are worried about their children and want to make it OK. Their issues are NOT your issues.

One thing struck me as well, we used a sling a lot for church when too many people were falling for the indiscriminate affections of our child, it really helped, me DC1 and the situation as a whole, could you try that?

Just an update to say that we took a lot on board from this thread.

We pulled things back and refunnelled (?!) a bit, but also have been scrupulous about her routine. DD seems much more content.

She's also been talking daily about birth parents, whether she grew in our tummies etc, so we think time of year was a factor too.

Thanks to everyone for their help and letting me use this thread to think it all through.

That's good news, well done to you both

And thanks for updating us