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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Overseas adoption, opinions please.

39 replies

Stratter5 · 25/11/2014 20:39

Always wanted a big family, but it never happened. I'm at home all day, have plenty of room, plenty of time, and most of all a lot of love to give appreciate how boaksome that sounds. I think I'm a fairly decent parent, and I have the full support of both DDs, who think it's a great idea. DDs are 22 and 18 next year, I am 47.

I'd like to adopt from overseas, particularly I'd like to adopt a small family of children orphaned by the ebola outbreak. Honest opinions please.

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Stratter5 · 26/11/2014 17:38

Thank you so much, I'm going to make a start in the morning, and contact my local council to get the ball rolling; having read their website, they also have links for international adoptions, so between here and them I should be able to get plenty of help.

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Devora · 26/11/2014 20:37

Stratter, I completely understand your desire to directly help these children - I'm sure we've all had similar feelings. And because you're clearly coming from a good place the posters here have been quite gentle with you. But I'm going to be very blunt because I think it needs to be said: if you go into adoption assessment saying you want to adopt a little family of Ebola orphans the agency will run a mile from you. That's just the way it is. They will see you, at best, as a sentimental do-gooder and, at worst, as an imperialist ambulance-chasing baby-snatcher. Here are some reasons why:

  • 'adoption is not about finding children for parents, but parents for children' is a mantra prospective adopters hear again and again. It's not about you and your heartstrings; it's about what they need for the children in their care. Any hint that you are picking what particular tragedy you want the children to have emerged from will make them very twitchy.
  • international adoption is not an easy road, and adoption agencies here are often lukewarm - I guess because it doesn't help them with the children in their care.
  • they're going to think you're more interested in the newsworthy disease than the children. That you're motivated by wanting people to congratulate you for being a hero.
  • the very last thing that care agencies on the ground in areas affected by Ebola need is to start processing adoption applications. They are trying to save and rebuild lives. They can't just parcel out children without proper processes (think of the unsavoury types who might swoop in if they think children are just being given away) and they can't spare the resources to run a robust adoption service. There are many, many more effective ways to help than this.

I'm not meaning to sound rude and I don't doubt your good intentions, but I urge you to separate out your desire to adopt from your desire to help children orphaned by Ebola. Send money to agencies working with those children. Then start thinking about the options open to you with adoption.

If you are very drawn to international adoption, then be warned it isn't easy. Kewcumber has loads of good advice, and there are specialist agencies. When considering which country to adopt from, you'll need to know about their laws and policies and, critically, the ethical and professional standards they uphold.

If you are drawn to siblings, then please do consider domestic adoption. It's more straightforward, your age won't be so much of a problem, and there is a real need for sibling adopters here in the UK.

Very best of luck.

Kewcumber · 26/11/2014 22:12

Frankly its not likely to happen:

Liberia closed their intercountry adoption programme in 2009

Guinea has to be done through an approved adoption agency - there are none in the USA (If the USA don't have one then there isn;t one). I can only find evidence of 1 intercountry adoption USA-Guinea which I suspect was probably a family adoption.

Sierra Leone has (as I think Lilka says) a 6 month residency requirement although it can sometimes be waived. If you are prepared to do that - and to be honest if you plan to remove older traumatised children from their culture and community then I think you should be prepared to stay there some time with them - then you need to find yourself an attorney in Freetown as there are no adoption agencies in Sierra Leone. Sierra Leone is a non-Hague country so you will need to be approved here first then get approval over there then come back with them and re-adopt them here. All the while you will have social services involvement until they are re-adopted formally here - generally a visit about every 3- 6 weeks which is manageable though irritating. On the grapevine I hear that you will be expected to pay maintenance for the children from the time to are matched at a rate of several hundred pounds a month and that some orphanages aren't past stringing out the process in order to get some much needed funds. One american family who were trying to adopt two children from SL in 2012 estimated that the total cost was $21,000 (though that includes travel and accomodation costs).

The adoption "industry" doesn't have a good rep in SL - it was closed for investigation in 2009 as adoptive parents thought they were adopting "orphans" but they were in fact children with live parents who thought their child was being educated and fed elsewhere. The programme reopened in 2012 but it would make me nervous.

The UN is not keen on intercountry adoption post natural disasters as the children are often traumatised and removing them from their culture and country often exacerbates the trauma. Added to which government agencies have better things to do with their time than process the reams of paperwork that comes with inter-country adoption. It may sound tough for the individuals but in times of crisis governments need to focus

There is a good facebook group on children with traumatised pasts - Beta Beyond Trauma and Attachment which includes parents of other african children adopted after in-country trauma. You should read it and make sure you know what you're likely to be dealing with

I have one boy (adopted very small - pre-verbal) who suffered mild trauma and he's my only child and it can be hard going coping with a child post-trauma on your own.

How you cope on your own with a "family" of older children who don't speak a common language with you and don't understand your culture, when they are totally bonded to each other and not at all to you I have no idea.

It took me 3 years from application to bringing DS home from a country with about 5 previous adoptions to the UK over the previous 10 years (ie very few) but with plenty of information available from american agencies. I know of at least one adoption SL to USA which took that long so I think thats the kind of time scale you're talking about.

It took every ounce of perseverance I had to stick it out that long.

I spent my 3 years learning Russian which was invaluable. With an older age group I would say its almost essential that you learn some Krio. You could contact the embassy in London to find out the adoption procedures and where you might be able to learn some Krio.

If you are determined enough.

Kewcumber · 26/11/2014 22:14

Sorry...

It may sound tough for the individuals but in times of crisis governments need to focus on the bigger issues.

Kewcumber · 26/11/2014 22:20

Sorry I totally forgot to mention.

Home studies aren't free if you aren;t adopting domestically - average cost is about £6,000 for a homestudy plus a sliding scale of £0-£1,775 for DCFS fees. I think translations are included in the $21k I quoted above but having your file notarised and apostilled costs a lot more here than in the US because our home studies are so much bigger and generally fees are more - mine was probably around £2,500.

So cost probably more like £20-25k in the UK (though I haven't checked whether the US estimate of $21k is right or not)

Stratter5 · 26/11/2014 23:06

Thank you, all of you. I think you're right, and maybe it would be better to carry on sponsoring, whilst adopting within the UK. I hadn't realised just how many pitfalls there would be, nor had I taken into consideration the pain and trauma the children will have been through. I'm very glad I posted in here, you've all been so honest with me.

I will carry on, I do very much want to adopt, but I think you're right and it should be a domestic adoption.

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Jameme · 26/11/2014 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 27/11/2014 00:12

Stratter all the best, it really is worth it.

NinePeedles · 27/11/2014 13:37

The very best of luck whatever you decide, Stratter5!

Lilka · 27/11/2014 14:54

Best of luck to you. Do ask anything you want at any time, or pop in to rant/celebrate etc Smile

I agree it might be good to a take a little time to think in more depth about (domestic) adoption and do a bit of research, as Jam said because it's quite a significant chance in direction

When you think you're ready to start contacting agencies, the government website First4Adoption has an agency search feature and might be a good starting point

I think a lot of us would recommend phoning more than one agency if possible, because they are all slightly different and you may find one more enthusiastic than the others, or one with a different demographic of waiting children etc.

Stratter5 · 06/12/2014 00:45

Hi, just thought I'd update you, as you've all been so helpful. XH has asked that I wait a year, until DD2 has finished her A levels; as he is being incredibly supportive and helpful, I feel I really do need to listen to his request.

I'll use the time to do lots of research, lurk on here, and make sure my house is child friendly. I'm disappointed, but it is only a year and a bit.

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Kewcumber · 06/12/2014 09:06

That seems very sensible Stratter5

Devora · 06/12/2014 22:20

It will go in a flash Smile

Stratter5 · 07/12/2014 22:14

It will, won't it :)

We were putting up the decorations today and yesterday, and I was thinking how wonderful it will be to see it all through a child's eyes again. We celebrate big in our family, and I've missed making Christmas such a magical time for small children.

He's right, really. I'm having an extension built for a bigger kitchen, it will be the perfect kitchen/playroom once it's done; and no small children about during the upheaval. I've been through all that before, and it's a million times easier without small people under your feet. Plus, we will be down to a couple of dozy, friendly cats, and LittleDog, who is tiny and exceptionally child friendly. Likes nothing better than being dressed up and cuddled, he will be in heaven.

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