What did your child come home with?

[ck72]

Hi, not sure if this has been discussed before so sorry in advance if this is going over old ground.

We are in the process (hopefully) of being formally linked and matched with a 16 month old child and as we have been told that we are the first choice, we are beginning to think of what we might need to buy and what they may come to us with.

We have seen the CPR and more recent photos were sent to us as well and we are meeting the SW next week.

I know that closer to the time we will be given info on what they have but I really need to distract myself with something, and even just looking online and window shopping in order to budget at this stage would probably help keep me sane while we wait!

Our 3 year old came home with so many clothes ( about 50 t shirts, 20 trousers, 12 pairs of shoes etc). Also toys, resides, duvet cover, coats, buggy etc. I really wouldn't buy anything til nearer the time or until they are home and you will see what they need. We have only bought a few bits and pieces plus bed and things for room. It's exciting and you want to buy things but try to hold back ( or stock up on baby wipes,
a decent changing bag etc!)

Our DD came home with a heap of soft toys & all the clothes she'd worn up to that point. Think that was it. Oh, a toothbrush.

You'll need the big things - highchair, carseat, cotbed etc. Books may also be something to start building up.

We did buy quite a few clothes, washed them using FC brand, then mixed and matched them with the things she came with.

You could also get all your safety stuff sorted so you can practice opening the stairgate before you're doing it with a screaming baby in your arms.

So exciting!

Don't buy anything just yet. If the match falls through it will be upsetting having things sitting around that you bought for a particular child

Once you are matched you can buy a car seat, buggy , cot/cot bed and high hair ( or the booster seat for your kitchen chairs ) . So you can research these now but don't buy .

Don't buy one of these expensive travel systems . Your child will be heading towards two by the time they come home. You need a buggy that's light and sturdy and you can fold with one hand ( while holding a screaming child in the other )

Don't buy any clothes or toys , you will be given loads by your friends and family and many children are given lots of things at the foster carers. Once you know what size your child is, you can buy a few special items of clothing.

Remember you will be mostly at home/in the garden /at the park with your toddler for the first 6 months or so, they don't need lots of fancy " going out " outfits .

I know you want to be " doing something " while you wait, but you woudl be better off reading about attachment etc , clearing out your house , seeing friends and family and spending time with your partner . And saving your money - you don't know when you will be able to go back to work .

It's not just about money, it's about loss and dealing with it .

Adoption starts from a point of loss for everyone concerned . Once your child is home , you will be hit with this, right in the face, very hard

The child has lost his family and he will be bereft
You have lost the child you never gave birth to
The Foster family have lost a child
The child's birth family have lost him forever
You have lost the first 2 years of your child's existence. You will never feel him move inside you or be able to breast feed him .

If you buy lots of things for you fantasy child and plan your fantasy
maternity leave, it's just another loss for you to deal with .

You buy cute bedding and the child prefers the scruffy old stuff from the FC. He doesn't love the cute fluffy toys you made him . You buy cute outfits and imagine yourself showing your son off to your friends at coffee and lunches. And mean people on the internet tell you to stay at home with him and bond.

You ignore them and take him anyway and he screams the place down , so you have to leave . You feel a failure and go home and cry .

It's hard, as well as wonderful. Please don't make it harder than it needs to be by getting caught up with " stuff" .

I do understand what Kristina is saying, but I don't entirely agree.

We did get a lot of stuff as presents, but I think it really helps you to feel like this is really your child if some of the things they wear are things you've chosen. We returned a lot of our presents and chose things we liked in the next size up.

There is a lot of loss in adoption, but there's a lot of joy too and I think picking out your child's clothes is a simple pleasure that many of us have waited a long time to do.

That doesn't mean chuck their old things, but I think a mix is fine.

I would look into things like you say and write down a list if requirements and what you like from where.

So say in your mind you think 10 pairs of trousers, then if child gets sent with 5, you can just buy 5. Tbh I would mainly look into things a 2 year old would like toy/ book/ game / clothes wise as they will be nearer that age, and are likely to arrive with things they currently like for say next 6 month age group

Get something sentimental ie new teddy you can introduce. This will last over the years

Also best to ask current carers what she has. Ie at bedtime some 16 month olds still sleep in a baby sleeping bag in cot, some already use a duvet and regular bed.

How exciting for you, I'll keep my fingers crossed!!

I can see what Kristina is saying and sadly, I think she's right.

But there's nothing to stop you filling lots of online baskets up or wandering around the shops having a look.

Good Luck
x

Ours came with 4 bin liners of clothes, 10 of toys and another 5 of stuffed toys!! We kept it all initially to give them a sense of continuity but after about 2 months I started to filter it out.
Buy the main safety stuff like stair gates, car seats etc, but I really would wait until the match is confirmed. Like a PP said above, if it doesn't work out, you don't want to be surrounded by items you specifically bought for a particular child.

DD came with a truckload of toys, and bags and bags of clothes. On closer inspection, almost all the clothes were at least 9months too small [hmmm] I have kept them and am making her a blanket with them.

I recommend the Quinny Zap as a parent facing buggy that will take a 2-3 year old and isn't ridiculously expensive, but I' m sure you will have lots of other advice in that.

Many of DDs soft toys were filthy. For the reasons KristinaM gave, I haven't washed them - they are her comfort objects and their smell and feel is important.

For the same reasons, apart from one outfit, the only things I bought new for ages were shoes for her ever-growing feet. I gradually had to add in more clothes because she grew (!) but she's still in her bedding from foster care because it helps her. Also if we didn't use it, she would feel it had been "taken away" and would be really distressed. DD was almost 3 and still sleeping in a sleeping bag in a cot, so don't assume "normal" birth ages for using things will necessarily apply!

Set up an online wishlist for yourselves but don't buy anything yet. When you're through panel you can bash the credit card and get suitable car seat, buggy, seat for eating, cot bed or whatever, and you'll already have done your research

I agree girls

I think it's hard to get the balance between respecting the things and preferences your child already has and claiming the child as your own . Perhaps it's easier for everyone if you do it slowly over time

Which is pretty much the opposite of what happens when you give birth to a child and you are inundated with gifts and you can choose whatever you like for your child to wear /sleep in / travel in . Having a baby has become part of our consumer culture in a big way , everything is commodified .

It's like the debate we often have about names -it's very symbolic .

It's never just about " stuff" . It's what it means

And I didn't mean " don't ever buy anything for your child "

I meant don't buy load of stuff for a specific child that you are not matched with yet. Because if it falls through that will always be the buggy you bought for that child, and not the one you ended up with .

And that will be yet another reminder of yet another loss. Which none of us need

I have read all comments with interest. How much time did you have to buy all the stuff after matching panel? They said they will fast track ratification due to christmas and intros will start after 5 days. I will be working full time until then. During intros we are staying in a hotel as chn are a good few hours away so am worried when I will be able to physically sort bedrooms before they visit our house for intros. Panel is in 3 weeks. I'm not going to buy toys or clothes as fc says they have lots just beds wardrobes and bedroom stuff. Shall I start or still wait?

Our LO didnt come with much, lots of the clothes were too small anyway and FC had different tastes to ours. The soft toys unfortunately smelt smokey so I had to wash them. Needed to buy lots new which I really enjoyed anyway. Once LO is with you christmas will approaching and you can buy them anything they are needing as pressies.
However we had bedroom furniture sorted way ahead. Good luck with everything.

Hio and congratulations. Our son was three and came with lots of toys and books, a lovely coat and clothes appropriate for the season we were in (spring). he quickly needed new shoes and shorts for summer and I found buying the shorts very hard where I live as shops are pretty rubbish and things appear for a short time and then are replaced by the next season. So I think the shorts were all being snapped up months ago!

By all means distract yourself with window shopping etc.

I would also say do not buy anything until you know what you need. You might also find the time is better spent, if you can, in doing a few practical things. For me these might have been clearer out the clutter at home, stocking up on freezer food and toiletries and reading up on adoption and attachment. I did all of these to some degree and felt I was really ready but now, knee deep in new clutter I wish I had done more. So my advice (although you did not ask for it) would be to window shop if you enjoy it, buy nothing until you know you need it (but your window shopping will have informed you where to get it - which is helpful) and prepare home and heart for all that is to follow as much as you can, in no particular order!

And enjoy - enjoy preparing, enjoy some peace, see a movie, go out for a not too expensive dinner, get your teeth checked, hair cut, etc etc, all those things harder to do with a new person in tow!

Definitely buy nothing until you know what you need.

Our DD1 (and separately DD2) came with a buggy, high chair, mountains (4 estate car loads) of toys, 30 tops, 20 pairs of trousers, 20 skirts etc. FC was a self confessed shopping addict!

Good luck xx

Could you get standard wardrobes/ dresser etc say in white that is suitable so all ages and genders? Then if it changes at all it wouldn't matter.

One recommendation for big things like wardrobes is get full size not those nursery mini ones as they only last a few years until too small so saves rebuying down the line

Then you can just get bed/ cot bed etc nearer the time depending in what suits.

Again you could buy a few generic non age or gender related toys to help you feel prepared. Nothing expensive but say a teddy, some crayons and paper, tub playdough, classic book ie peter rabbit, a classical music cd etc etc. All things that suit children ( and adults!) of all ages and no harm in having in box if you like.

Also like people have said you could spend time researching things that may be useful.

Hi all, sorry it took so long to come back on - I've been hit by some evil bug that has had me curled up on the sofa till now :(

Thanks for all the replies, they are really helpful. I'm amazed at how much some of you have had! Dozens of bin bags of clothes? Wow!

To be clear, I don't intend to buy anything at this stage - We have already had one match break down so I'm well aware that this isn't a done deal (for want of a better phrase) just now. We just want to start to think about the sort of things we might need as it's useful for us to have an idea of what we can get from family (like cots, high chairs etc) and what we might need to buy. As I said in my original post, I'll be browsing online and window shopping, nit purchasing anything yet.

KristinaM you raise some valid points and most of which we are acutely aware of (although I'm sure reality will be different from anything I ever imagine!) I'm the type of person who reads and researches EVERYTHING which is one of the reasons I happened across this forum and attachment is something we are taking very seriously - I really hope my original post didn't come across otherwise. But alongside the reading and researching, I think we need to balance it, as GirlsWhoWearGlasses implied, by thinking of some of the other stuff (fun stuff, if you will)

You could always buy stuff for when the child is a year older. That way it would be like a time capsule thing. You can stroke and sniff the stuff now, imagine and wonder, then firmly put away - get on with the business of being a parent and get it out in a year and the memories of how you felt now will flood back.

Ooh! That's a great thought PicaK maybe one I'll look into after panel. For now I'm just compiling lists.

We've been visiting friends and family a lot in the past few weeks and also been out for meals etc, but I think Italiangreyhound has made a point that particularly applies to me - I definitely need to declutter - The nursery wardrobes (built in, so that's one thing we don't have to buy) currently host my handbags and OH's "toys". We definitely need to do something about that!

We're kind of in this situation as we were fostering to adopt and were told lo would be with us within a few weeks so we bought car seat, cot, buggy, decorated nursery. Didn't buy clothes or toys though as didn't know what current FC would be sending. This has all fallen through for legal reasons now and we are devastated. However I don't care one iota about being surrounded by the "stuff" , if anything it's helping me try to pick myself up and keep going for the lo that is meant to be ours. I certainly didn't choose a buggy for this particular child, I bought the buggy that fitted my requirements.
Everyone is different and some like Kristina couldn't have that situation but others like me find it a comfort. I also found it a huge distraction during the wait to be able to enjoy my "nesting". Children now will come with a lot of clothes and toys usually but not the bigger things like buggy, car seat etc because fc's used to have an allowance per child to provide these but most authorities have now steered away from this. Rightly so in my book as adopters want to choose things for their lifestyle, situation and child so often things like that the fc's were sending were not used so a waste of money. In my mind it's the toys and clothes that are the important things for them to keep as that's what helps things feel familiar.

I didn't buy anything until the link was confirmed, but like you couldn't leave everything until after matching panel as I had 8 days and was working 5 of those! So I bought things and left them in the boxes, so if matching panel did say no I could return them. DD came with toys and clothes, very few books, no equipment.

Velvet1973 sorry to hear your link fell through. Having been there myself (although a bit different than fostering to adopt, in that we weren't a few weeks away), I can empathise with how devastating it is.

Like you we won't get anything too child specific, we are hoping to adopt a second child in time so would be gender neutral practical things, that we would be looking at. I also have close family with young children who want to know what they should put aside for us in terms of equipment. If this link fell through, I think we would still be linked with a similarish child so should still be useful...

We waited until matching panel (other than the cot as a bargain came up on pre-loved!) but then we had three weeks between mp and intros.