awaiting a decision to pass stage 1 - please advise

[lotsoflovetogive]

ive had a awful rollercoaster through this!
i live with my cousin - we bought a house together in may this year shes like my sister, best friend.
I have a rare illness (fully undercontrol with medication) and from this i had a heart failure (3 years ago). since then my cousin and i have been glued together and supported each other, we bought a house as a family investment for the family... its huge with potential to extend- so why not. we pay 50/50 on ALL bills. i get dla and wtc as well as my wage. so both have plenty of money.

my SW is painful - doesnt approve of my living situation and keeps saying "WHAT IF SHE MOVED OUT" "WHAT IF SHE DIDNT PAY BILLS"... ALL WHAT IFS. at the end of the day its in both our interest to look after this beautiful home we have put thousands into doing it the way we both wanted.

and then based on my asoption pay (not including wtc or dla) i have like 15 left.... but she wont take into consideration my dla, wtc or the fact i would be entitled to child benefit/family tax/ etc etc... is this right??? where your SW so harsh on you and negative and looking at the most IMPOSSIBLE situations that WONT happen. this child would be my families everything!!! so why would my cousin/best friend ... sht on me and leave me in the sht.... shes agreed to sign contracts to prove shes not like that.

sorry for the long post but my SW has told me i dont have a cat in hells chance and that other agencies probably wouldnt touch me.

I am 24. and my cousin is 27. the SW is around 27/28 and VERY unempathetic... i thought she was meant to help me, support me and tell me what i can do to improve my chances?

all advise / experience is really appriciated... I AM AWAITING A DECISION ANY DAY NOW AND I DONT THINK IT LOOKS GOOD FOR ME AT ALL....

thank you for taking the time to read this! xx

We applied to adopt when both DH and I were in our mid/late 20's; there was another couple on our prep group who were a similar age, the majority were early thirties, with only one couple were over forty. Whilst, being in your twenties is young, I don't think it's unusually young. I think the key difference here is that (from what you have said) you know that you are unable to have children. You've not discovered this after years of trying and then subsequent fertility treatment, so of course you're going to be younger than the average.

If your age is a real sticking point, I'd speak to other agencies. Our SW has never said anything negative about our ages and in fact sees it as a huge positive. Obviously there's still the issues regarding your living situation, but the other posters have covered that.

Good luck - I hope you get there!

Your points are valid Italian however they overlook the practical point which is that I would be amazed if you could foster and work. I just don;t see how it would work practically.

Hello there

You have already had a lot of very good advice from some very experienced adopters on this thread, but I just have a few things to add.

When a child joins your family, they have a great deal to make sense of- every child who has been through the care system will have some kind of additional need. Processing and making sense of their early life experiences and building trusting relationships and attachments with new people are just a few of the many challenges that they will face.

A newly placed child will also be getting their head around who their new parent is/are. That can be the biggest thing for a child. Having read your posts I am a little confused as to what you are intending in terms of parenting. Are you and your cousin intending to parent this child together? Or, are you just housemates?

If the former, well, I can see why your assessing social worker is unhappy. It will be very confusing for a child to work out who Mummy is and who they should go to to have their needs met. You and your cousin are not life partners, hence she could at any time meet someone and then move out. Clearly you've already thought about and planned for that so I am assuming from that that it is a likelihood? As someone else has already said, this child will already have experienced loss, grief and change, so it is essential that potential for this in the future is minimised.

If the latter, well then I think you need to have a clearly defined plan for how you will live.
Can your property be divided up in any way so that you each have your own sitting rooms, bedrooms and bathrooms and maybe share the kitchen?

I had a friend to stay about four months after my daughter came home. I didn't realise until she arrived that it had been far too soon for me to have done that as it completely threw her. Experts in this field recommend a 'lock down' period of several weeks or months where the child is only with their primary carers aside from one or two key visitors, grandparents for example. Ther is no way that you could manage that with a house share. If this is a shock to you, then I would suggest that you still have a lot more exploration to do as to your knowledge of adoption to be really honest.

If you are serious about this, really serious, then I suggest you change your living arrangements so that your assessment is far more straightforward.

If that's not something that you are prepared to do, then I would question how committed to adoption you are. That is probably where your social workers head is right now.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that it the reality as I see it.

Hi lotsoflovetogive I have name-changed for this purely because the info below makes me very identifiable

It's easy to see from your posts just how much this means to you. I think everyone here can understand that. I thought I would write a little of my own experience of being assessed as single adopter with a much milder long-term health condition related to heart failure.

SWs are not doctors - it is not their job to understand the risks of medical conditions. For this, they rely on the medical reports, and they tend to interpret these with an eye on the worst case scenario. This is not them being harsh - this is them thinking all the time "if I place a child with this person, will the parent be able to cope physically, and will they have a very high chance of living long enough to see the child safely into adulthood?" Very bluntly, they also discussed with me their concern to ensure any child placed would not have a strong likelihood of becoming a carer for the parent.

It's great to see that you are currently well, and your condition(s) have been well-managed for some years. However, none of us has a crystal ball, and the doctors' best guess about how long stability will last needs to be pretty convincing for a SW to accept it. I write this knowing it hurts to read, and I'm really sorry - but I was married to a man with heart problems from a rare genetic condition, who was expected to be strong and healthy well into his forties (and to then need surgery, but be well). He died in his mid-twenties, despite the best medical care in the world. I suspect a SW and a medical advisor would be significantly concerned about a prospective single adopter whose medical stability was in question, and if your condition is very rare, they will just not understand whether the risks are big or small. If there is a patients' organisation or charity for your illness, I strongly recomend contacting them for support to explain your condition to your SW. It could really help your SW put things into perspective.

In the end, I was approved and matched (with my very mild condition i.e. not dependent on any medication for many years). I thought I was prepared for adoptive parenting, but I do have to tell you it is physically a LOT more demanding than I had expected. It is way more than caring for an energetic child - it is not getting any sleep for months and months because the child (not a baby) needs comforting almost every hour overnight; it is carrying a child who is nearly 1 metre tall, because they are frightened when out and they are really too big for a pushchair; it is lifting a quite heavy child in and out of the bath/car seat etc. (And doing all of that while carrying a massive bag with all the child's "essential" stuff in it!)

I have gone on for much too long. Just to answer your last point about the SW's role - she is meant to give you an honest view of your suitability to adopt, based on her understanding of the facts. If there are concerns, she is meant to be honest about those and give you the opportunity to respond. It's not exactly her job to support you at this stage - it's her job to recommend the strongest possible future adopters to move forward, to give waiting children the best chance. It's quite likely that you would have a different SW for the next stage, so if you don't get on with one, it's not the end of the world! And after approval panel, you'll be assigned a SW "of your own" and at that stage it absolutely will be their job to support and champion you . Mine was fab and I hope you get a good one too.

You're young to adopt because you just are. You might be able to apply from 21 but it would be an extremely exceptional 21 year old who was ready and able to adopt. Adoption is gruelling, challenging and lifelong so of course you need a certain amount of maturity and life experience before you undertake it. I'm not saying you aren't necessarily ready at 24 but I'd be wary myself if I was assessing you.
Fostering is so different from adopting. Bear in mind that most fostered children aren't available for adoption. That's not to say that you couldn't enquire about adopting a child you have been fostering for a while, or special guardianship, but if they still have strong links to their birth family then that might not be appropriate. It's also pretty much impossible as a lone foster carer to work.

Kew I know a foster carer who works but she is married and both her and her husband work part-time. I think you may be right but worth asking maybe.

There is respite foster care but if you did that that then you might feel it made you unable to adopt since the respite fostering is to form a potentially long relationship with a child who comes to stay for a short time per month.

Respite fostering would give you a chance to share love with a child and see how it all worked but you would need to be honest about your long term desire to adopt. We considered respite fostering but knew we wanted to adopt and in the end the social worker said we should go straight to adoption. I am in my 40s so a different life stage.

I wondered about the idea of converting the house to two apartments. You and your cousin could socialise etc and be very close but have your own front door each. If/when your cousin moved out you might be able to rent out the separate apartment if it was a fully self contained unit - and the rent could contribute to household funds.

Of course if you did decide to do this you would need to speak to the social worker to make sure the living arrangements met with their approval before starting work. I would imagine this would add to the value of the house so good for you both.

In terms of the energy levels needed, I feel kids are all pretty draining but I am noticing it now! My little boy is, so far, very much a normal little lad. He does get more anxious and upset than others his age but he is 'normal' and requires no special treatment. This is aside from the normal additional care a child needs in the early days when they join the family by adoption - like lots of time with one or two special carers (mum/dad), like my not being late to pick him up from preschool (as he gets anxious) because I was 6 minutes late once (and he was upset!); things like calming his fears and being prepared to talk about issues related to adoption, loss of foster and birth family etc. Medically and mentally he seems very normal but he is more emotional than most 4 year olds and the early days did have lots of appointments and visits with social workers etc so it is more tiring than just parenting even if the child does not have a lot of additional needs.

Good luck. Whatever happens, please do not give up your fire to make a difference in the lives of children, I feel sure it will all come together.

I was going to mention respite fostering, as a lot of times it is in school holidays which would work very well with your job. This would be great for proving your ability and maturity working with children with possibly similar needs to those who get adopted, if your age is an issue. But your original comment does not mention age being brought up by sw so we may have gone off track? It appears it's more your living situation but I'd wait for the outcome before you make any decisions on that, you've got time to rectify and follow their advice :)

Although on subject of age I was 34 and youngest in our group. Jammy's situation is incredible..quite 'jammy' infact :) but glad he/she could offer a positive spin on the age factor, I was hoping someone might do that :)

silverlinings - I suspect that its not one thing but a whole combination of things together.

Probably right there Kew :)

Silver - thanks, I was (pleasantly) surprised when we realised we weren't going to be the youngest at our prep group. Our SW has said she's noticed a general trend of younger people adopting over the past couple of years, no idea why though.

I wish our 'jamminess' would spread to other areas of our adoption life but that's a whole other thread!

(NC regular here btw, back from a self imposed MN ban )

I was pleasantly surprised when I was one of the youngest on my prep course. I was 37...

I don't anyone who has been accepted to apply to adopt below the age of 24/25 (kinship adoption aside). 21 is a legal age but policy wise, I haven't ever heard of a 21 year old being accepted. A little bit like, the legal age for getting married is 16, and yes a few 16 year olds absolutely make it work, but the majority of people aren't yet ready to marry at 16. So you have to really push to prove yourself at that age. I think it's very difficult to convince SW you have what it takes before the age of about 23/24 minimum. But everyone gets there in their own time, some well before others, so the government have to be reasonable with their minimum limits. SS though are allowed to say otherwise as long as it's within reason and justifiable.

I was the youngest on the prep course (applied at 28, I turned 29 before prep started), everyone else was at least in their early thirties. I was 31 when DD1 moved in, and IMHO I personally am very glad I was that old, and not 2 years younger. It was a long time to wait, from Jan/Feb 1994 to August 1996, but I changed a bit in 2 years and it helped me. Some people are ready to be adoptive parents at 25/26, but I personally didn't feel ready then, and when I did feel ready, had no idea that even 2 years were going to make a difference

However i think when you know that you can't have children the 'normal' way, they can be more understanding of applying younger than is normal.

OP, I don't think you should give up on adoption....there ARE other agencies, and if you get a no, then approach others. And even if they all say no right now, a couple of extra years can make a lot of difference to agency views. Waiting and trying again and changing things as necessary shows a high level of committment to adoption which should be favourably looked upon.

Thank you for the comments.
I have noted a lot of bullet points down and options of things I am willing to do to change / alter.
I guess I am going to get a no. However I know someone who has been passed to stage 2 and has her mum living with her - this has the same sort of impact to me - what if the mum meets someone or she does and then needs their own space. How it would affect the child with loss and separation etc. but she has been approved. I understand that there is a big wait for adoption etc. in regards to my age I found my stage 1 progressed a lot quicker than it did for older couples in stage 1 in thatis 40's 50s. They went out f their way to get me on a course a month sooner than I should of gone on it. I was told by a social worker who was about a year or 2 younger than me that younger parents are sought after because of the energy and got more years in front of them to dedicate to a child. You are all mentioning negatives - but there are positives to my age also.
You know yourself if you are 'ready' to fight the challenges. And a lot of you wouldn't expect a 24 yr old like me to of gone through the things I have. I saved my mums life from being murdered!! I was strangled over a cooker and nearly set on fire.
I have been paralysed from waist downwards and told I won't walk again - I can now run! I was dying for 6 weeks with internal organs shutting down and had about 20mins left so had all my family round my bed praying - I beat all of these things. I proved everyone I know wrong.
I hope I can prove all of you wrong. All of you judging on my age and living circumstances. I user stand it is unusual to adopt as a single parent but living with someone. But as I said before no matter what happens we will have involvement in each other's lives because we're family. The house is big enough to extend - actually build a house attached if I had the money too and it's something I won't rule out. But at the end of the day ur all saying about 'normal couples'. 'More mature' etc. and that they have waited 2 years or so to be matched. I've been told that this isn't always what the social workers are wanting for these inncent children. Some want parents who can understand what they have been through. Relate to experiences because you have been there and know how to handle it.

I've had a lot of negative response. Which when trying to hard and jumping as high as I can isn't something I am wanting to hear for much longer.
I'd like advice that can help me prove myself with my living circumstances as current. Because I own this house in a joint mortgage. So I'm not converting it into split appartments as we have spent 20k on doing it up side may to a high standard. They asked me to have the house as complete as possible by end July. So I took that challenge and I completed it.
My cousin would be an auntie. In the book you produce and send over the potential match would be me. 'Forever mummy.' My cousin 'auntie'. And my 2 small Lhasa apsos. And during the transition my cousin agreed with social worker she will have as much or as little involvement as required. Will still be working full time so they wouldn't see her 24/7. So ghe child would see her after work for an hour or so. And possibly at weekends. But at the same time wouldn't be a stranger.
I know I am 'a risk' and I don't need constantly reminding. But I don't need constantly discriminating against either.

It's hard for me. And I would like to say if you now don't have anything nice to say to me that could genuinely help me then please don't say anything at all. I'm not sleeping at night for waiting for my decision. And I know it's not looking good. But a glimmer of hope isn't too much to ask is it?
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and I hope you accept my requests x

Lotsoflovetogive, I think everyone on here has wished you well but tried to explain how a sw is seeing things. As nonnimouse says the points that have been raised should enable you to think about changes and counter arguments to aid your case.
To assume that when I say "normal" couples means couples who have breezed through life with no issues or challenges is naive and frankly insulting. It means we've tackled theses challenges and come through them and are now in what most would consider "normal" places.
Like nonnimouse I too had the fight the BMI issiue and health issues to get ivf treatment - that took 4 years of knock backs and constant challenging and having to prove myself as you are doing now.
I think most posters are agreed in saying we think it unlikely you will be approved now (based on our experiences but you are right we only know you and your situation from a few paragraphs so that is the info we're basing that on) but we all seem to agree that these setbacks are normal in the route to becoming a parent. The test is showing you'll keep standing and keep fighting until you get it no matter what they throw at you.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck and do hope you prove us wrong but for us all to come on here and say sw's fears are unfounded appeal and you'll win may be what you want to hear but doesn't help you get it ultimately.

All of you judging on my age and living circumstances no actually I don;t think most (any?) of us are. I don;t know you and wouldn't presume to judge whether you would be a good adoptive parent based on a few paragraphs. We are pointing out why a social worker might have an issue and trying to come up something which might help. Some of the suggestions might be totally inappropriate for you but to be honest you are in an unusual situation and we might be clutching at straws a bit.

Your opening post was very much denying that your SW's concerns about your cousin moving out were reasonable and I suspect many of us who are experienced adoptive parents thought "Actually she has a point". When you later went on to explain how you would be able to afford to maintain the house alone should that happen that was a much more reasoned answer to the the question "what if she moves out?" than "She won't".

We are trying to give you good advice. we aren't trying to be offputting. Read back through the posts when you aren't feeling defensive and upset and you'll see how many people have said - don't give up if you get a no, come up with solutions and keep trying.

If you're under the impression that we're all "normal couples" then you are very much mistaken - I'm certainly not (either normal or a couple) and it took 3 years from application to bringing DS home. Though this was back in the days when things did take a bit longer anyway, there were several bumps and challenges and I didn't get approved first time through panel so I know more than a thing or two about gritting your teeth and addressing issues that you don't think are issues and digging deep and getting there in the end. I know many of the posters here don't fit into the "normal couple" theory - even those who are actually normal couples and I've met quite a few of them personally - believe me, we are a bunch of misfit oddballs who wouldn't be out of place in the Addams Family.

I do wish you luck, none of us have any vested interest in trying to be unsupportive of any potential adoptive parent. We also however tend to be a bit of a bunch of hardened old witches as the process and subsequent fighting with schools and social services for support and whats best for our child does tend to make us forget our manners and for that I'm sorry if we have been a little blunt at a time when maybe you were needing something a little more nurturing.

The problem right now with your current agency is that you're so close to the decision being made, having had the interviews etc, that I can't advise you of any thing which I think will change the teams decision now. But if they do say no, then as I have said, don't give up. A lot of us have had to fight to adopt. For instance, I think I must be one of the first single lesbians to adopt in the country (the first singles full stop had been adopting in the previous 5+ years), and I had to convince them that I was suitable as a mum at a point where discrimination was basically okay. It took several years even with a supportive SW. I lost potential matches. Had one panel member vote no because lesbians aren't suitable, even when they swear blind they'll stay single for their child's sake. And to think that nowadays they'd be sacked from panel for doing that and the sad-face subject of a DM rage article!!

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. The point I'm saying is, as I said before, don't give up. And I'm realistic, i wouldn't ever tell someone to 'not give up' if I genuinely thought they wouldn't manage to adopt at all. I think it could be possible for you based on what you've said, with the right agency

But because its late in the day with your current agency, I can only suggest ways to approach a second agency, should this one not work out. Acknowledge concerns, but have as many answers thought up in advance as possible and also emphasise all the positive points you have to offer. And should you need to take any time out, remember that this does happen to quite a few adopters and you can still go on to make another approach in the medium term at least.

Best of luck to you also x

lotsof people on here aren't judging you they are giving advice honestly. Everyone on this bored is somewhere through the process so they truly know how you feel.
You sound a very determined person who, as you have said has fought many battles but for this I think you have to realise it's not your battle. S services are trying to find parents for children not children for parents. I'm certain out there their is a child who would fit you perfectly (and vice versa) but you have to accept you're not "the norm" . Im sure (I hope) lilka doesn't mind me saying she isn't the norm as she has already explained, dh and I aren't the norm because we're a white couple who adopted a mixed race child.....Their are lots of us who don't "fit" the stereotype.
The way I see it, when you adopt a child they have to know you are there's 100%, that they can trust you, that you are their constant as is anyone in their little ubit. I think the concern is that the child/ren would struggle having someone in and out of their lives particularly in the early days. As you have said your cousin would still be working and would be an auntie figure so would be one step removed, in and out throughout the day. ...but in the child's home. I think,combined wowith potentially a background of abandonment and mistrust, this could be a difficult situation for a child.
I'm not saying it won't happen, I'm sure with your determination it will, but you have to see it from the outside looking in.
Wishing you lots of luck.

Apologies for typos. I'm also not the norm as I have big fat fingers!

lotsoflovetogive all the best and I hope you make it. I agree you have a lot to offer a child.

I do not think anyone here has judged you for your age or living circumstances, we have tried to explain what we know/think/have experienced from our experiences/reading/thinking. Where you are things may be different and things are always changing.

I am sorry to hear of the experiences you have had and agree these may well help you with children who have had a tough start in life. You have a lot to offer. You may well make it this time and if not in some time soon. No one wants to see you fail. We all know there are lots of kids out there that need loving homes.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't think people are judging you, they are only predicting judgements sw's will make which I must admit is what I thought your original request for advice was for, sorry if I read that wrong.

Most older people in my group too took a little longer to get through stage 1 but mainly because they have had a lot of Ivf and social workers like to be extra sure people are well and truly done with that. I too haven't been through Ivf so went a bit quicker :) In stage 2 we all had to share our reasons for coming to adoption and trust me it is actually unique to have not been through some life turbulence! Atleast one in every couple in that room, myself included, had some serious life stories to tell. But when I said know your positives, your age for your youthfulness/energy and your prior experiences whether unique or not will be selling points, you're 100% right and you will need to big that up in your assessments

I think, as you've said, you have got some good points to note but now step away from the forum lol - it's emotional for us to read others going through things, so more so when it's your life. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I hope u get the result you want now, or if not, atleast in the near future and I truly wish you all the luck in the world. And like I also said before, stage 1 is easy bit but all this prep will give you a much easier ride for stage 2 and matching..... You will do this, I have no doubt. GOOD LUCK!