Just shouted at DD

[Nelly7890]

Regular on adoption boards but also regular NC'r

DD(5 yo) has been home a few months

She is emotionally 18months- 2 years below her age

She is also very wilful. I have no idea if this an 'adoption thing' or an 'age thing'. If I ask her not to do something, she has to do it once more... Often while watching me.

We have a 19 year old cat who is scared of DD and DS, but the DC have, on the whole, been brilliant with her and left her alone.

Tonight DD has been in a tearful mood (another disrupted night last night)

She started stroking the cat who was visibly upset by it so I said, gently, leave the cat alone darling, look she's scared. At this point DD stroked her again.

I wasn't annoyed on behalf of the cat - I'm annoyed that she Never Bloody Listens.

I picked her up and moved her away from the cat at which point she started crying saying 'I didn't want you to do that'

I yelled 'well I didn't want you to touch the cat either but you did'

Then she started crying more and saying she wanted her birth father and birth mother (she's never done this before)

I calmed down, apologised for shouting and explained sometimes Mummy's get cross too. I said I still loved her but didn't like her when she didn't listen (I know, I know... I should have said I didn't like the behaviour)

I said I knew her missing her birth mother and father was difficult but me and DH loved her.

I feel awful. This wasn't just a raised voice, this was yelling.

Could just do with a bit of handholding.

I would put a thread on here about other issues but a recent post from a regular saying (and I'm paraphrasing) why do adoptive parents make all these promises to be really good, and then don't live up to that promise has put me off. In fact, I thought twice about this one too. But flame away if needs be!

their = they're

"as a child, I only ever had to be told once"

With the greatest respect, I think you may be mis-remembering. Also, don't compare her to you, she isn't you.

Everybody has their moments of less-than-perfect-parenting; be kind to her and yourself.

Thank you all.

DH came home at the weekend and we had a good one.

I feel much better now, so feel more relaxed so am more relaxed around the kids and therefore my tolerance levels have greatly increased.

I am now thinking about why what happened, happened in an attempt to manage the issue and avoid it again in the future.

Thank you so much to everyone who said 'be kind to yourself'. I have realised I am very hard on myself at every minor transgression which adds to my stress levels and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I will work on this too.

Thank you again.

And, Italian... I will think about posting other threads too. Thank you.

Fabulous Nelly. I thought of you the other day as I bellowed at my kids! We all make mistakes. I think one reason that it happens is (FOR ME) that I forget how unimportant some things are! Unless my kids are about to run in the road or eat poison berries and I need to stop them, (rare!) then actually most of the time the things I want them to do are not that important. Yet in my mind it becomes so important that ds wears his coat or dd brushes her hair. I get so wound up at their failure to do what I want, that I lose it.

Luckily through parenting for a decade now I know this rarely works and normally only escalates both my feelings and my kids unwillingness to do what I say.

You may find that your situation is the same, or different. I am not a perfectionst but I am a bit (ha ha) of a control freak and I like people to do things my way. It has taken YEARS for me to realise this so if you are new to parenting of course it takes time.

Yes, please do post on other stuff. You can always name change if it feels easier.

All the best.

Speaking as an adoptee, please don't beat yourself up too much when your child says she wants her birth Mum and Dad. I used to do that too, as a child - I didn't really mean it, what I meant was 'I want you to stop being cross with me'. When I was upset, I used to say the thing that I thought would upset my parents the most - and that was it (makes me sound horrible, but I think I was just lashing out the way a 5 or 6 year old does).

Also, if it helps at all - being adopted was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I really had the most wonderful parents - still have my Dad - and I would never really have wanted to swap them - I think it was a sign of feeling secure that I felt able to shout back when they upset me - I was never afraid that they'd 'send me back' - so acting up can be a good sign - at least in my experience.

A little technique I use with my extremely independent-minded, very One Last Time-inclined 3:10yo DS: Give him a transition. If I say 'stop playing and put your shoes on': meltdown. If I say,' time to stop playing and put your shoes on soon; right time to stop playing and put shoes on in 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - now' (counting down on fingers): acceptance. Sometimes he even counts with me and on 'now' we scramble off together in a race to do whatever it is, which makes him even, dare I say it, eager to comply (I did say sometimes). Might work on your DD?

Good luck!

(not an adopter - yet - panel in October hopefully)

Again, all... Thank you.

Furry

Thank you especially. I understand why she says she wants her birth mother, I think. It's a combination of a desperate, in built need for attention (due to early neglect) and what you said in your post.

I'm just not sure what to say back to her

What did your parents say to you, can you recall? Was it the right thing??

Hi TheFamily

Thanks so much for your reply. Good to know what you do. I said something like that that the first time, the second time she said it (tonight) I said (genuinely) I'm sorry she's not here but i man and I love you.

So... I might be along 'the right' lines; whatever they are!

I'm trying to remember what my parents said to me when I screamed for my 'real' Mum and Dad - I think they said 'we ARE your real Mum and Dad, even though you were someone else's baby' - but tbh, I don't think they really entered into a discussion over it, any more than they did when I claimed to really be a princess, which I did fairly often :) I do remember my Mum telling me how much she loved me though, even when I was being deliberately horrible.