I thought i was prepared..

[prumarth]

But it's much harder than I ever thought.
I've hesitated before posting here but really do need to offload so here goes - my new son is lovely, funny, smiley and adorable. But he is also hard, demanding, emotional and tiring. And I am wobbling all over the place while trying to cope.
It's only been a few days and I'm exhausted! Am I just rubbish and completely not cut out to be a mum - maybe I'm bloody infertile for a reason!
My boy is trying so hard and doing so well - first couple of days, we slipped into his routine with no issues. But for the last few days, he has had some meltdowns and I can't comfort him. I know that he wants his old life back with his foster family and I feel like it's my fault he isn't happy. We keep reminding ourselves about the depth of change he is experiencing but I feel like a fraud. Bet his foster mum would know how to make him feel safe and secure. He looks at me with real anxiety sometimes and I don't know how to make it better. I feel guilty.
Sorry to just offload - I just needed to get it out.

Hi Prumarth, it does get better. Some days I can remember sitting on the floor crying thinking I can't do it and I have BC so I should have been prepared! It will get better, the crying will get less, it will be so gradual you won't notice until a few months in when you look back and suddenly realise things have changed. And definitely don't think you're rubbish and don't worry what other people think, as others have said each child is different x

Thinking of you, pru. Four months in with DS and have thought and felt similar to you! Lots of wise and kind words above, but thought I'd chime in anyway. It gets better-including your stamina. Massive adjustment, not just for him but for you too, so try to remember it is a steep learning curve and you are definitely not the only one!

Prumath for a moment there I though this was a thread I had stared! I feel totally out of my depth some of the time. If been a few weeks and for sometimes I have really been in floods of tears and pretty stressed.

Please be kind on yourself.

If the crying continues and think you might have post adoption depression, please do see you GP. That is what my social worker told me but now, after a few weeks, things are looking and feeling better.

DS and DD argue a lot and it is quite stressful, for brief moments I have though what have we done! But when the days ends and the kids are asleep, and the house is quieter then I feel calm and like I can face the next day.

Once things calm down and he has been home longer you can go out to groups and mix with others and that will make you feel better. There is something about getting out and about which helps so do go to park, go toddler swims etc and when the time is right go to toddler groups, church or NCT events (if age appropriate) and anything else that is appropriate.

Is there post adoption support in your area?

Try not to worry, this is all normal (IMHO).

Message me if you like, I am newbie too and have gone through the tearing my hair out over last through days and weeks and finally feeling more sane!

Bless you.

Hi prumarth, enormous sympathy from me too. I found the beginning so, so hard and I had it pretty easy with a 10 month old who basically just clung to me like a marmoset monkey and slept through the night.

The birth parents on here aren't wrong to say this is parenting - I'm a birth mother too and felt stunned, resentful, useless and exhausted with a newborn as well. But adoptive parenting IS different and one of the big differences is that a birth child is programmed to turn to you for comfort - a newly adopted child, not.

I promise, promise, promise it will get better x

Huge hugs. I went through IVF for my first baby...then spent the first few weeks of his childhood wondering what the hell I'd done!
Being a mum is tough!!!! If you'd have been in our house this morning you'd feel much better about yourself as my two were playing merry hell (4yrs & almost 3) and I was at my wits end.

I have had a couple of friends who have adopted their children and it's definitely harder for adoptive mums. At least with birth children you can make your mistakes along with them. With adoption you get a fully formed toddler/older child and NO USER MANUAL!!!!!

You are doing a great job. Your gorgeous son will be finding life a bit strange right now and you're there for him. He gets to weep, wail, act out his frustrations and all the rest while you have to act the grown up and keep a lid on all yours whilst wanting to join in!

One day (in the not too distant future) you'll look back and realise how much easier life has become. In the meantime please remember that ALL mums (birth mums or otherwise) are just making it up the best they can as they go along. It's easy to think we all know what we're doing but we really don't!

Prumarth I can't remember how old your new DS is but I seem to recall he's pretty young.

I took custody of DS when he was 13 months (though emotionally and physically more like a 6 month old). The first few weeks where he just couldn't take any comfort from me was shit.

Just shit.

I felt like the biggest failure this side of humanity.

I can remember being in floods of tears one day because the pram wouldn't push properly (it was a rear facing rubbish one) and just feeling like I should throw in the towel and give up there and then.

Being able to take comfort from you doesn't have an easy solution - other than trudging through it, he will learn about you and you will learn about him and without noticing it will gradually become easier, less emotional, less exhausting.

In the meantime - lots of getting out to feed the ducks, coffee in child friendly cafes, walks at your favorite local spots, lying on the grass (if you have some sunshine) and nowhere that takes too much effort to get to.

in real life I'm supposed to be living on a cloud, excited by my getting everything we've been dreaming about - yes that. With bells on. I can't believe most of us haven't felt like this at some point.

It does get better.

Our DD came to us at 6 months old. Very shortly after she had to spend a night in hospital having her oxygen levels monitored due to a virus. She was attached to monitors, uncomfortable, most likely scared & very sad. She would cry then look at me with a look on her face that seemed to say.....what on earth are you doing here ?? I'm sure the carer that had her for the first 6 months of her life could have made her feel calmer & safer just by being there, I felt terrible. As others have said it does get better, before long it will be a natural thing to look for you when comfort is needed but in the beginning all we can do is be there & support them as they grieve a loss.

You have had some excellent reponses so far. I found the first weeks/months with AD so hard....shock to the system is an understatement! Some of what I felt and what you have written about was a little bit of transference from our children. They are just so scared, confused, sad, angry and this just seeps out of them which can then effect us.

Please make sure that both you and DH get some time together (take away when your LO is a sleep) and you also get some time on your own (a trip to the shops/coffee shop etc, while the other one looks after the LO). This helped us as it seemed to recharge our batteries somewhat.