How much influence do extended family & exes have on the process?

[CycleQueen]

I wondered if anyone has any experience of getting through the adoption process when they have poor and broken relationships with wider family members? We are/were hoping to begin the adoption process but then realised that the LA would want to talk to DH's ex wife, who hates him passionately (although she has since remarried and this was about 18 years ago). We know that she would relish an opportunity to have some power over his life now - and of course understand why she would need to be approached, but to what extent?
In addition DH's parents hate me and although we have a DD together they have chosen not to be part of ours - or her - life.
We are a loving and tight family unit of 3 and would love to enlarge this but I am worried that we will look like a bit of a disaster zone with a lot of bad feeling coming from all over the place (I don't like DH's parents either so its a mutual feeling and we just leave each other alone).
I don't want to put us under any terrible pain if we are going to have to rake through everything that has happened in the past - and I am especially worried that DH's ex will likely lie about their previous relationship - they have two DS and she worked very hard to damage the relationship he has with them too.
Sorry, rambling but I know having looked at threads on here that lots of you have experience in the process! Thanks.

Cyclequeen you asked Do they interview many people?

We had 6 referees, we were told only 2 could be family. We chose my sis and dh's dad plus 4 friends who mostly knew us as a couple to some extent.

Our social worker interviewed 3 of the 6, I think she only took up references from 4 in total.

She travelled a fair distance to interview my sister (our other two friends were local).

Our SW met my father in law by chance when she dropped something off at our house.

Hope that helps.

SW tend to be quite realistic when it comes to ex-partners....or at least ours did. She said that so long as all other references were good then they would question a poor reference from an ex.
with regards to family, if you can show you have dealt with your own feelings regarding estrangement and that you have moved on then it just shows how strong you are.
best of luck

Reading this with interest, my ex is going through the adoption process at the moment. DS2 has told me they are getting interviewed next time they go to their dad's, I'm surprised I haven't been contacted for an interview, given that the council in question, told me any exes who had 'co-parented' with the applicants, would be interviewed. I'm concerned about the whole idea, this being a man who owes CSA arrears for the 2nd time and is trying to avoid paying them, and he hasn't exactly took a huge part in our children's lives.

I don't want the panel dismissing me as a 'bitter ex' because that really is not the case and I'm all for adoption, I think it's wonderful - but I'd hate to think of a vulnerable child being placed with unsatisfactory parents.

Do Social Workers always contact family members for references? We had to give a reference years ago when a family member applied to adopt. More recently another family member wanted to adopt, we had very serious reservations about the 'suitablility' but no one approached any family for a reference ........... the adoption broke down in a very traumatic way .

I have never heard of not having a family referee Ragwort. I was told at least one of my referrees needed to be family and perhaps they chose someone from another branch of the family - you will probably never know as references are confidential

lilypiesmum in most councils you should be contacted in some way. They will not necessarily deem lack of financial responsibilty (CSA arrears) as a bar form adopting but lack of attempt to stay a part of their life may be. However if your boys are being interviewed when they see him implies that he does actually see them?

Anyway if you are interviewed then just stick to the facts, and if you have any specific concerns in how he parents/parented your boys. Don;t talk in generalities about "unsuitable" - thats your assessment, give them the facts and they can make their own judgement.

That's interesting Kew - I obviously don't want to say too much here but I guess they might not have wanted to give names from 'our' side of the family as we were cautious in our support of their desire to adopt ..... and as it happened the adoption did fail and it was all very sad.

Yes they do see him, that doesn't mean he's a suitable parent or adoptive parent. I've heard of step fathers adopting kids (their own dad never saw them) and they interviewed 2 family members and 2 friends.

Lily I do understand what you mean - but a social worker might say - if he's so bad a parent why do you trust him with your Ds's - why doesn't he have supervised visits.

I'm just suggesting that you think through what you are saying before you jump in (assuming you are interviewed) - if you have such big concerns that he shouldn't be allowed to parent another child then why is he still seeing yours apparently with your approval.

Just stick to the facts of what you think the problems are and let the social worker reassure themselves about the aspects that you think he is deficient in.

If you think he's such an unsafe parent that he shouldn't ever be allowed to have a child then thats a different issue and you need to consider your own children first and contact social services regardless of the adoption issue.

3-4 referees are the norm Lily I'm not sure what relevance that is to whether you'd be interviewed?