Sleep....

[justwhatwasithinking]

I've lurked for ages, not really posted before, but we could do with some advice please. We recently (think Italian time frame!) adopted a DS (14 months). We have two BC (7 and 4). Please be gentle!

So, DS2 had no routine with the FC, and we (him and us!) have gently found something that works. It was led by him, it's not militant, but it does provide a pattern to the day, and DS2 is very settled with it. He happily sleeps at lunchtime, in his cot, for a couple of hours with no problems.

Night time, he settles easily in his cot (after bath/story/bottle) and sleeps anywhere between 2 - 4 hours. When he wakes, he becomes hysterical. There is no warm up whinging/moaning, he just loses it. We're sleeping in the same room, so either we are still up and are there in under a minute, or we're actually in the room with him. Once he's awake, it is really hard to calm him down - we've tried keeping lights off/putting them on/night lights/all dark/patting him in the cot/picking him up/singing/keeping quiet/rocking him/putting him in bed with us...... He has a dummy, and he spits it out. This can then go on for hours. He does sometimes settle quickly (but no idea what we do differently on these occasions), sometimes this happens once a night, but can happen more often.

Any suggestions? Anything that might help? We know he's had a really stressful month, with meeting us and moving from FC, and we're not bothered about the sleep so much as the fact that he just sounds really sad. He had a terrible sleep pattern at the FC as far as we can gather, although even the SW commented on how vague the info was. Will this settle over time? Should we just continue to cuddle? Or is there anything we can do to help him? Thanks.

We had this exact same experience with AC (we're a little ahead of you in the process and AC a month younger than yours). AC started sleeping through about two weeks ago, after several weeks of waking 2-4 hours after going down at night and screaming for 2-3 hours.

We also have two BC who both suffered from night terrors. AC's screaming did not at first appear like our BC's night terror episodes , eg. AC blinked during these episodes, while the BCs both had glazed eyes. We ruled out night terrors, but now in hindsight I think these were indeed night terrors brought on by transition/ anxiety and also from changing AC's sleeping routine. Although our AC had a good routine in FC, AC had very little sleep during the day, and HV and SWs agreed a longer nap during the day seemed crucial -AC was struggling to keep up in our busier than FC household, kept falling asleep in the buggy etc. We gradually introduced a longer daytime nap of two hours- in the cot (same as you).

As regards the night time waking, my suspicion is that my AC was coming out of one sleep cycle, roused by wind possibly, and then the night terror kicked in. AC's digestive system seems slightly immature for their age, so we've gone back to introducing winding before sleep and also giving gripe water.
As regards calming DC3 from the screaming episode, we [hushed voices as I'm not sure whether SWs like this or not] brought AC into bed with us. AC calmed very quickly once snuggled up to us, but as another poster suggests, often AC preferred facing away from us, but being held close and tight.

I think at this stage welovelego we can say "who cares whether sw likes this or not!!!" if your bc had been severely traumatised for whatever reason would anyone leave them alone to cry about it on their own? I am very pro co-sleeping though

I really can't imagine anyone suggesting leaving them to cry, or worse call to them not reassuringly from outside the room!

I have no idea if DS's social worker liked the idea of co-sleeping or not - I don;t think it ever came up in conversation!

Mind you (re slightly bonkers SW suggestions) on discussing DS going through a biting phase at CM's and discussing it with her...

"Have you thought of moving him to a nursery"
Kewcumber thinking there must be some research showing group setting less likely to involved biting or something "Oh do you think it would help, I really wanted him to stay in a family setting after being in an institutional setting for his first year?"
SW: "Well they have policies against biting"
Me:

DS was 2 and not able at that age to read said policies.

I co-slept with ours. They're both firmly in their own beds now and have been on and off since they were around 3-4, so it doesn't last forever.

The idea of using controlled crying on a child who has been separated from caregivers is bonkers.

I know this May be frowned upon but would a bottle of milk add comfort to him.

Thanks for all the advice - last night was a bit better, so wondering if maybe it's a time thing, and just settling down. We have previously tried co-sleeping - stopped as he seemed worse with that. Our SW was very happy with co-sleeping (did with the BC also). He wakes early so is being brought into bed with us then just because it is almost light outside does not mean it is time for breakfast, and is fine with that (maybe because everyone is awake and interacting with one eye open ).

Have been cuddling more with him facing away, he certainly likes sitting on our laps, facing outwards.

I think you'll find its up and down for a while. DS was certainly more comfortable facing away whilst being held for a while. But you do need to play eye contact games in between if thats the case.

Keep plodding on - you sound like you're doing OK.

DD was also more comfortable sitting on my lap watching TV facing away from me for a while

She also liked me sitting in her room with my hand on her tummy if she was unsettled - physical comfort, but not too much, I think

It's still early days and maybe it's all a bit much for him to properly compute, but as he doesn't have the verbal skills to articulate this his anxiety is being expressed in this way?

The very idea that controlled crying could ever be helpful for a traumatised child leaves me furious and speechless

I think offering milk is a very good suggestion. I always have a bottle of milk in our room in case AD visits us in the night. Milk is so nurturing (especially given in a bottle) and comforting to children. It is such a good bonding experience for them/us that any opportunity that this can be be introduced is good.