Are you an adult who joined your family by adoption?

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi all

Are you an adult who joined your family by adoption?

Would you be willing to share any tips and thoughts for me as a totally new, green, naive and newbie adoptive mum, please? Here or PM me?

Things you appreciated that your parents did or things they did not do? Or things they could have done or should not have done, just general stuff etc, like how they helped you to reconcile together all the parts of your early life?

I am not trying to pry into any really personal or disturbing aspects of your life, just asking for tips so I can do the best possible job for my little one.

Thanks so much.

Not sure how relevant my comments will be as I was adopted as a 3-week old baby in the 1960s and I'm aware that a lot has changed WRT adoption process.

The one piece of advice I would give is don't conceal the fact of adoption from the child. Make it, not part of daily conversation but a fact of your family life. The most devastating thing adoptive parents can do is conceal that the child is adopted. It always comes out at some point, and the child, however old s/he is, goes nuts because it is the worst, most horrible betrayal imaginable. Discovering that the people closest to you have lied to you for your entire life is something adopted children often can't forgive.

Other than that: everyone's different. Some people who were adopted think it's a great big deal, others are more 'meh' about it (I'm one of the latter types: have never bothered with tracing bio-family).

Sadly I can add what not to do.

DDad found out he was adopted by overhearing neighbours chatting in the queue at the grocers when he was 10 years old. Different times, perhaps, as he was adopted in 1940 at 3 days old. He ran home to ask his mum about it and that was the first and last conversation they ever had about it. Grandma died in 1994 and Dad still even now 20 years later refuses to look for his birth mum (even though she must be quite dead by now) or any members of his birth family.... He doesn't refuse outright, he just makes the right noises and then does nothing.

Apart from not knowing "where I really come from" I also have no medical history because my mum has a somewhat similar story. So adoption affects subsequent generations, sometimes just as much.

DBro and I joke around that our family tree is just a sapling.

Xpost with SGB.

Too true Maryz - he definitely feels that it would be disrespecting his mother's memory. I think he's also a little bit afraid of what he would find TBH and a bit like your DS. He really does feel like he is part of the wider adopted family - he is interested in the family tree going back generations and keeps in touch with all sorts of distant cousins all over the globe.

He is running out of time anyways (cancer) so morbidly maybe when he's gone DBro and I will start the search... I don't know. I don't actually know what my brother thinks of it - I have just realised that we have never really discussed it!!

Sorry OP didn't mean to hijack

trockodile thank you for the link, only just saw it.

Thanks one and all. No one has hijacked, it is all very interesting and I am so sorry for the bad experiences people have had.

Our son is nearly four so nothing is or will be secret and I really appreciate all advice.

Thanks especially to those who asked others, Lilka etc and all& and I am hopeful all this wise advise will* make me a better mum.

Hi I just asked my dd my situation is slightly different she came into my care by sgo at 8 following a very traumatic early life during which she knew me (I am originally her godmother but I had worked away for years)
As others have mentioned she doesn't like me discussing the fact I'm not her mum by birth, she hates people knowing because it exposes her to questions and assumptions that are sadly right but also a part of her life that she does not need to dwell on these days. Very few people know she isn't mine by birth. It's not that she ashamed of anything but it's her personal business. This was actually one of the key facts the counsellor and therapists picked up on as being very important to her. (Her early life was abusive and she had years of therapy) we giggle about it now when people comment how alike we look, we just nod and smile.
She is very in favour of adoption and says congratulations
The most important thing she said for her is that I was always always there, and never flinched from the difficult stuff the awkward questions about her history and early life. She said it was important to her that even in the circumstances I didn't demonise her bm but tried to excuse her and tell her good things too. (We were friends once)
Now she's older she says she understands what it cost me more but as a young child all she knew was that she could depend on me utterly and however damaged she thought she was she knew i adored her and she is precious to me.(I'm actually welling up writing that but it's only the past few years she can speak so eloquently about all this before that she was like a frightened creature clinging to me and afraid to make mistakes)
She also said that knowing how hard I fought for her makes her feel special and wanted, and that aspect of adoption is a good thing she never gets tired of hearing how much work I had to do just to have her!
I have had custody of her sister since the day she was born she's now 6 months old and plan I think just to mention adoption as and when it comes up to her. Outside the family few people know she isn't mine by birth I'm simply being cautious in case has she feels the same way as her sister does.

Mama1980 thank you so much for sharing. You have made some excellent and very moving points. can i ask how your dd1 is now? Thanks so much.

She is doing great thanks. I won't lie things were tough for many years but now she is doing amazingly well. She hasn't had therapy now for several years and is remarkable eloquent and self confident. Her 'adoption' is something that we giggle about together it no longer something the she feels the need to protect and defend at all costs. She knows she is no less my daughter than my birth sons or indeed her sister. She also found it very easy to cope with the adoption of her young sister which was obviously done with her input and support.
The day she said she hated me in her best teen voice was genuinely one of the happiest days of my life I am not her 'saviour' these days I'm just her mum with all my flaws and faults.
She is pretty much a normal teenager whatever one of those is she even has a boyfriend which is something I thought at one point I'd never see.

Fabulous Mama, a credit to you and most of all to herself.

I was adopted at 6 weeks old and would like to give some perspective.

My parents were advised in the 70s to introduce us as "their adopted chidren". This was standard advice back then and in fact among my adoption papers was a leaflet telling parents to do just that.

I think the authors had not spoken to any adopted children.

I clearly remember being aged 3 and the sick feeling in my stomach as I was once again introduced as "our adopted daughter"... It made me feel second best. Not quite as good as a bio child.

The problem is that when your introduce your child as being adopted people start asking questions while the child stands there listening absorbing the info and attitudes.

This was 40 years ago but those conversations stayed in my mind.

"does she know who her real parents are"
"Is she a bastard?"
"Is her brother x her real brother"

Another reaction is people telling the adoptive parents "how wonderful they are" for adopting. As an adopted child it made me feel that I must be pretty terrible if my parents had to be congratulated for taking me on!!!! Once again terrible for the self esteem :((

Another thing to bear in mind is that birthdays can be an incredibly painful day for adopted kids. I would feel as if a dark cloud had descended on me in the days before my birthday. Inevitably on that day I would be sad knowing even as a young child that my bio mother would be thinking of me. I would normally self sabotage my birthday parties.....I did not want to celebrate a painful day but could not express those feelings at a young age. It was hard to laugh, eat jelly and ice cream and pretend to have fun when I was sad. I would suggest keeping actual birthdays lower key and maybe having the party a week or so later.

My parents never discussed our adoptions or the day they received us. The subject was and still is taboo. My adoptive mom died when I was a teen ... On her death bed she asked me to promise to not search for my bio family!!!!
I did search for them years later but feel terrible guilt about that and know my dad was against the search. I have cut off contact with my bio parents due to the guilt. Please don't ever put your kids in that position.

Also please think carefully how you handle the subject of trying to conceive pre adoption. My mom used to say "we were so sad we could not have children of our own and then we decided to adopt"!!!! I once again felt very second best.
Just typing those words has reduced me now to a flood of tears.

Having said all that I could not love my dad more if he was my biological dad. He has been the most incredible father and grandfather and I have been blessed to be his daughter.

The fact you are here asking for advice tells me your children are going to be very loved too.

Love and an acknowledgement of the pain your children will carry with them are the best 2 things you can give them.

That is a lovely post Expat made me cry reading how you felt when people said and did things without thinking. Hopefully we can all learn from the past.

thanks for posting Expatmomma...

so moving.... hopefully things have changed since the 70's...

we are so proud to be parents to our beautiful daughter... it is certainly us that are the lucky ones.... lucky enough to be chosen to be her parents.

Thank you for your painful & honest post... I hope life treats you well

Expatmomma I am so very sorry for your experiences and would like to assure you as much as I can that now things are done very differently. In our preparation we had a session on birth parents and we are encouraged to be honest with children but private with the rest of the world.

I only tell people who need to know my new son is adopted but I will always be open with him. He is not in any way second best.

Please do share any other insights, although I am so sorry it is so painful for you.

It is very sad your mum made you promise such a thing. It may be because she felt it was best for you, I know that does not excuse it but it was a very different era.

Thank you for sharing and I am so glad your relationship with your dad is so strong.

Since we are hopefully coming closer to a link, I have reread this thread and found it very moving and useful. It throws up a big question for me however. Many people here talk about how they wish their adoptee status had not been shared so broadly. We are considering adopting a child who is of different ethnicity to us and the situation would (if DH and I were both present) be fairly obvious.
I see this as very important for the emotional wellbeing of the child, however if we were not to pursue the link it is highly likely they would (if anyone else came forward) be placed with a family like us. They are already thought of as 'hard to place'.
I am going round in circles trying to do the best for the child, wondering if we can support them through the future difficulties and knowing that if it isn't us it will be someone else...or no-one.