Wanted: A Family of My Own 15/05/14

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi all

Wanted: A Family of My Own - tonight did anyone see it? What do you think?

The foster family of Tom were lovely.

That single adopter was super woman, so great.

Hope the Scottish couple find their match for two children. two under two is quite a tall order but I know that these matches exist so hope it works out for them.

GirlsWhoWearGlasses can't you self refer in Scotland? That's so unfair!

MissBlake anyone can post here, you are most welcome.

Itsfab they are also looking for respite carers who would take a child into their family about once a month or so. There may be other things you could do but best to ask the local social services.

Karbea I could be totally wrong but I felt the sibling group was because having one child might be too close to the little boy they lost. I think a younger one and a slightly older one might work quite well for new families because there needs are a bit different.

Karbea if you want to ask anything about the process (in England) before approval, please feel free to. We went through it autumn 2012 to autumn 2013 so fairly recent.

It made my blood boil. I hate the charade around assessment and panel. With Tom, only one adopter had ever expressed an interest. She was successfully raising children with disabilities and could sign fluently.

Yet still the charade - "we need to consider whether she is the right match". FFS - the system is so self-important. They had no other options for him so stop the pretence. I realise someone has to make the decision about whether it's the right family for the child but the tone of it all is so condescending. Stop the theatrics.

I don't know why this bothers me so much but throughout the series, every time they've shown panels, which are set up in a massively intimidating way, they just ask some ridiculous, inane questions, to which they already have the answers, then pretend to debate the match. It feels like a power trip even when they do it with a smile.

"Why this child?" and then...
For single parents: " Tell us about your support network"
For lesbian couples: "How will you ensure he has male role models?"
For those with birth kids: "How have you prepared your other children?"
For gay men: " what if he is bullied at school?"

It's all there in the PAR but they've got to ask something and then send the adopter out of the room to await the verdict like someone on trial.

And even then it's not a decision. Oh no. It's a recommendation. Because yet another person needs to sign it off on an unspecified date. And again everyone pretends that it's not a (virtually) foregone conclusion that the decision-maker will agree.

Stop treating adopters like you're doing them a massive favour because you're not. Show some respect and stop wielding power like this.

MooseyMouse that did strike me too.

I thought of it last week when there was a lovely black couple and the black toddler and I thought they looked like a really caring couple, she was so caring creating a special book for the child, he seemed a very together guy and they obvious had a great really supportive network. That came across in minutes so I would imagine the social workers report was pretty full of positives. And then this week the lady who was an experienced adopter etc and could sign and was used to disabilities and seemed a great match for Tom. They were all feeling ‘would it happen or not’! The guy on the panel this week summed it up ‘It’s a no-brainer’!!

That’s the bit where I agree with you!

However, I think they always need to be aware that in the future a child, or then an adult adopted as a child, could say 'Why was a match approved?'

The answer cannot really be, we could not find anyone else! When would that be acceptable! The answer needs to be that the option picked was the best option, even if that was the only option at the time, if it was not the right match it should not go ahead and the child would have to wait. Which I know can be disastrous for children but so could a wrong match, IMHO.

With our son I felt it was a very good match but I am so glad that so many people were involved in the choice, approximately 15 people (my hubby and I plus three social workers, the decision maker and a panel of about 9 people) all agreed that we should adopt him. In the future that may mean something to him.

I actually thought the locations shown, rather unimpressive rooms and people with coffee cups etc, were not at all intimidating! When we went to matching panel it was in a county office location we knew well and was very simple so not intimidating but the actual approval panel for adoption was in a very fancy office in a location we did not know and it did seems more intimidating. In a funny way for me that felt ‘right’ the gravity for us of adopting felt it needed a slightly fancy location. Maybe I am just weird! I think the programme kind of hyped that importance of panel up a bit with frequent shots of parents-to-be saying things like ‘They can make decisions about your life’ etc. It’s good to remember that everyone gets a bit of say (except the child! Parents-to-be are putting themselves through the process and they agree a match, so the only person who does not get a say is the child, which is why I feel the other adults in the equation must do their very best to ensure the match is right. They need to ensure that adopters have support and that they have considered how the adoption will impact everyone, especially the child and other children in the family.

Just my feelings but MooseyMouse, I did feel what you are feeling!

I understand what you're saying Italian. But...

I wasn't intimidated at ours but I'm used to speaking to large groups of people for work. But a job-interview type encounter with up to a dozen people on the panel is overkill. The man from the other couple featured last night seemed scared.

Myfeetarecold - you're right that you don't have to attend. In that case they have to submit the questions in writing for you to answer in writing. But they use words like "we like people to attend" so it feels like you have no choice.

At ours (and on some of the ones featured in the series) the panel asked to see the intros book the adopters had prepared. This felt really exposing to me. It was personal, it was for our son, and ours was gift wrapped but they tore it open and passed it around. What possible reason did they have? It's purely nosiness so they could all say "Awwww" and feel warm inside. I think the process is demeaning and (for want of a less dramatic word!) a little dehumanising.

In my mind I contrast it with the celebration hearing which was in a court room with a judge in robes so it had the air on solemnity but what a joy! A wonderful judge said delightful things about the joy of being part of bringing us together as a family. I know the two elements of the process have a different purpose but the tone needed be so quasi-judicial at panel when the part that takes place in a court is so positive.

I realise I seem very cross about this but... Well... I suppose I am!

Oops - that last paragraph should say "the tone needn't be so quasi-judicial..."

MooseyMouse I can see you are cross, I am not sure why but we are all different.

I was quite thrilled that anyone was interested to look at the stuff that we had prepared for our son!

They have their procedures and I guess for me it is not private, it is not just between me and the child. Maybe it is just a personal thing.

I know a lot of women who have had very beautiful and special home birth scenarios, when my birth dd came into the world it was in a brightly lit theatre (surgical not dramatic) and I was having a C-section. I could not move from the bed and was physical sick because of the drugs and she had trouble breathing and it was all rather difficult and not at all the romanticised view of birth that I had hoped for. Yet it did not matter because she was OK. So in a way for me the panel being a bit invasive or whatever is nothing compared to the invasive nature of the home study and in the long run it did not matter because it led to us being matched to our beautiful ds.

I don't know how long ago your panel was MooseyMouse, maybe years ago (?) and I really hope it did not spoil the process that you went through. I guess we are all different and I really had not seen it from your depth of point of view before so thanks for sharing.

Panel was about 18 months ago for us.

I know what you mean about the birth. I also had a "medical" birth which resembled a vet delivering a calf and it didn't matter because it was worth it. But it was also necessary (I'd have died otherwise) whereas the panel thing seems all so fake.

Anyway, you're right - we're all different and this is one of those things that bugs me but I'm glad yours was a positive experience (and huge congratulations on your newbie).

Moosey - I agree that with Tom, there were no other options for adoption...but SS did have another option - not to approve if they were worried that Clare was taking on too much and therefore worried that it might break down.

I do agree and think that a lot of these programmes have over emphasised how going to panel is so nerve racking. I think what was missing from these programmes was that if your SW decides to take you to panel, then you are highly likely to be approved - it would seem to be a waste of resources to take a couple/single person all the way to panel and then for that couple/single person to not be approved. They perhaps should have released statistics like 98% of people who go before a panel are approved (or whatever the statistic is).

And as for matching - I think the rate must be higher - surely...

I thought Clare was amazing - so wonderful that Tom and her other children have her.

I thought the Scottish couple were quite unrealistic - 2 children under 2? Maybe 2 children under 3 would be better. We wanted siblings but gave up on the idea after we struggled to find the right match and now have a gorgeous almost 3 year old DS. It also always surprises me that you are told that sibling groups are much harder to place - that may be the case but I think there are lots of people out there who want to adopt siblings. On my course, EVERY one of the 10 couples wanted siblings...So I think we all thought, "It should be easy to get a sibling group as we are always being told how hard it is to place sibling groups". I think we should have been told on the course that, whilst it is harder to place sibling groups, it doesn't mean that there are only a handful of people who want siblings...

MooseyMouse many thanks.

I know people who wanted to adopt siblings and were only approved for one. At the time i felt it was a shame but I only know what they told me, I don't know the full picture! I do know two couples who recently adopted young sibling groups but by the time they met their little ones only one child was under 2. I think it is just very unusual to have two under 2 for adoption, even if they start the process as two under two, they may not be under 2 by the time they are placed.

I've still not watched it, but I have to agree that 2 under 2 is not going to be easy to find. I've seen quite a few sibling groups where the oldest is 2, but really very few where both children are under 2 by the time they've cleared the system. It is of course also very dependent on what background issues and needs/uncertainty in the child you're willing to consider, I have no idea what they are open to because I haven't watched, but that's going to make a big difference.

We went to an exchange day and we're shown a profile of one child and told that the birth mother was pregnant again. Maybe this is one way they could adopt two kids under two.

Moosey - possibly, but these types of sibling groups may well be in high demand (I go back to the fact that there were 10 of us in our group, all wanting siblings, all wanting as young as possible). And even if BM is pregnant again, you are unlikely to get placed with the baby until a placement order is placed which is unlikely to happen for quite a few months...

It can happen, but I think it is rare. And I think the SWs were trying to persuade them to think more broadly - even down to maybe just taking one child.

Also a birth mum being pregnant again does not mean a child free of issues. There could be drugs or alcohol as an issue, mental health or learning difficulties. Yes, the child could be very young but not problem free and I think babies can be real uncertainties, so it would be very hard to adopt a child expecting to be able to adopt their unborn sibling too. A real uncertainty.

I am not saying all adopters want a child free of difficulties or expect it, but I think this couple were looking for two young children relatively free of issues. Correct me if I am wrong.

italiangreyhound yes thy said something like they've already had their share of problems.

I am watching it now because I missed it last week.
Tom is typical of the children I work with. He is lovely.

It seems so dreadfully unfair that the Scottish couple have had to deal with that amount of heartbreak. They do seem to be limiting their options by wanting two under two.

In a lot of cases the first sibling's assessment (to be removed) wouldn't even be finished before the second sibling is born and it all has to start again.

So it would have to be a family with a pretty strong history with SS for the children to be taken into care and freed for adoption that quickly?

Moosy I had to go through that whole matching charade. It was bizarre. We were DS's only carers, he had lived with us for 18mths since he was 8 weeks old, we had been asked to adopt him by SS and we had not applied to adopt anyone but him specifically.

Yet we still had to go through Matching. Including filling in the 'what sort of child would you be able to adopt?'

Errrm the one we have right here, on my lap, this one is the sort of child we would be willing to adopt.